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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to the Drs with DS19?

50 replies

Sotiredteen · 11/08/2025 10:18

DS19 has been struggling with fatigue for months and it's recently got worse to the point he only gets up to eat, shower and work. He's beyond tired, falling asleep during conversations and at the dinner table. I'm so worried about him, and I've been encouraging him to book drs appointments etc but he says he doesn't want to. Well, tomorrow I'm booking him an appointment and taking him because me and DH feel something isn't right at all as he's started coughing continuously, feeling faint and having stomach issues.
Would IBU to go in with him to make sure Dr gets the whole picture? There's also things like family history, he's medical history etc that he might not think to bring up - like his food allergeries, asthma and anxiety.

For reference, I have a lot of health anxiety around my children and the doctors as they branded me a neurotic mum when I pushed for allergy testing for DS when he was a baby, it took YEARS to be taken seriously and turned out he had CMPA and soya allergy.

YABU = he's an adult, just take him and wait
YANBU = he needs advocating for

OP posts:
Dodie66 · 11/08/2025 10:20

Does he mind you going in with him? If he would,like you to I would do it. I have an adult daughter and she likes me to see the doc with her

TeenLifeMum · 11/08/2025 10:22

The question is, is he happy for you to go with him? His opinion is the one that matters.

Original poster
Sotiredteen · 11/08/2025 10:22

Forgot to add...he doesn't smoke/ drink/vape/ take drugs. His phone is downstairs overnight (his choice) and his TV is broken so nothing keeping him up overnight.
He's also had therapy for his anxiety which has helped massively.
He sleeps 7-10 hours depending on the work schedule.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotiredteen · 11/08/2025 10:24

@TeenLifeMum he doesn't see the point in going tbh. Last time he went was a year ago and he made a written list of things, so you're right, I should ask! I'm just so worried they'll miss something 😟

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 11/08/2025 10:25

I keep seeing posts saying women should MYOB and leave other adults to make their own choices; but there is a mental health crisis in this country, and we are supposed to look out for each other (especially our own family members.)

Londonmummy66 · 11/08/2025 10:28

I would definately get him seen. TBH I would ask DH to take him rather than you as Drs often take a man more seriously - especially if you have been flagged as neurotic. Sit down with DH beforehand and write a list of concerns with examples/frequency etc and tell him his job is to spell out the seriousness of this and ensure that there are adequate investigations - could well be a deficiency of something eg Iron/vit D so a thorough raft of blood tests is needed.

endofthelinefinally · 11/08/2025 10:28

You will have to get him to sign a letter giving his permission for you/ doctor to share his medical information. Otherwise they won't speak to you. Keep a copy for yourself and ask for one to be scanned into his record.

stichguru · 11/08/2025 10:29

He 19, unless your his carer because he lacks capacity, you CAN'T be there with him unless he wants you to be. However if he's happy for you to go, go for it! I think doctors appointments about something potentially complicated can be overwhelming for the most intelligent being on earth, taking a trusted friend/relative to ask question or remember info you don't, can sensible whether you are 1 or 101!

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 11/08/2025 10:31

I mean clearly it will depend on

  1. Whether he agrees to go to the appointment
  2. Whether he allows you to go in with him

You can't just barge your way in and sit down next to him and the GP.

Sidebeforeself · 11/08/2025 10:32

Be realistic though. You are not going to get through everything in a ten minute appointment. Don’t go in with a long written list - GPs simply don’t have the time. Try to get it down to a few sentences about the key concerns. And don’t reply on your son’s behalf unless he asks you to .

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 11/08/2025 10:33

Plus they'll just give him a form for a full blood test anyway.

They're not going to entertain much else until the results are back.

Fedupwiththecuts · 11/08/2025 10:34

I made an appointment and attended with my husband when he was suffering mental health issues. Once we were in the appointment, I gave an overview and the doctor was kind and took.it seriously so my dh opened up. Dh would not have made the appointment, attended or spoken if I hadn't been there but was glad I did. No-one questioned my attendance or anything and hes much older than 19 and has attended other appointments on his own.
I would support your ds in this way as he obviously needs it and although he's probably competent enough to do this, he may not be in the right head space to do it. Definitely discuss with him and even say that its better to be checked and reassured than leave something and become more unwell.

takealettermsjones · 11/08/2025 10:49

I think your instincts are right and he needs to be seen. However, and I mean this kindly, I would really consider whether you're the best person to be there with him. As unfair as it would be, you don't want your anxiety or their prejudices to get in the way of your son's health.

I agree with PP about getting his dad to go with him, or another trusted adult. You can help make a plan. I would focus on three main points: 1) state the symptoms 2) state the ways it's significantly impacting his life (use that phrasing) and 3) state specifically (but politely ofc!) what you would like to happen (e.g. bloods, check his chest re the cough, etc).

Original poster
Sotiredteen · 11/08/2025 11:06

Thank you for all the replies, if it helps we're in a different area now so I'm not down as 'one of those parents', I'll bear in mind how I outwardly show any anxiety - I've had years of practice remaining calm and collected since the toddler years!
DH was hoping to take him, exactly for the reasons PP have said, but it's unlikely as he has work tomorrow that he can't move.

I'm not one to barge in and demand an answer, it's more about the fine line between enabling DS to help himself and not taking away his independence. Both DH and I feel like he needs the appointment and that he's too tired and overwhelmed to manage it at the moment without us physically booking it and taking him. We'll chat with him tonight about it and get his thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotiredteen · 11/08/2025 11:08

@Fedupwiththecuts this is what we feel will happen with DS. That he'll feel supported and be able to get to the bottom of this.
I hope your husband is doing well, you sound like a wonderful, supportive wife x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotiredteen · 11/08/2025 11:10

@takealettermsjones thank you for the checklist, it's just what we need. I'll take on board your other advice too.

OP posts:
Charlotte120221 · 11/08/2025 11:10

definitely do it. You know him better than anyone and your instinct is probably right.

FWIW I was seriously ill at that age - it came on so gradually and manifested as exhaustion. I felt it was normal and no one around me reacted - except my Mum. I did sort of object to her making the appointments and to coming in with me but I went along with it.

And if she hadn't made all that fuss and persisted when medical professionals were sceptical... I wouldn't be here today.

OpheliaNightingale · 11/08/2025 11:12

I could have written this post re my 18 year old son. I would try to go to all appointments if he will allow. He won’t have the life experience/skills to advocate for himself and may just get fobbed off. I have had to push really hard for my son and keep on top of everything (and he’s seriously unwell).

PeriJane · 11/08/2025 11:19

Many patients need someone in appointments with them to advocate and help build a better picture. Sometimes they don’t always realise how much they need someone else there that can help provide a picture and who will have noted things the patient might not have or might miss out. And sometimes you just need someone there who has the energy and wherewithal to be firm in needing investigation/answers rather than a fob off. Have a good chat with him and frame it as you wanting to support him and advocate for him to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

PeriJane · 11/08/2025 11:20

Also, try and see if you can book a double appointment so you have more time.

growinguptobreakingdown · 11/08/2025 11:23

My Dd16 goes alone but I still go with DD18 as she isn't as confident and really wasn't being listened to.Also I'm a nurse and know what to ask for hence them being diagnosed with coeliac and under active thyroid after being fobbed of being told they had anxiety.

user1492757084 · 11/08/2025 11:25

You back off. Keep noticing that DS eats very healthy food and seeing him 19 old walk out in nature and sunshine each day, mix with friends etc.

Ask DS's Dad to take him for a yearly check up.
Get 19 year old to write up a list like before.
It is good for the father son relationship and shows DS that males need to take care of their health.

Original poster
Sotiredteen · 11/08/2025 11:34

Sorry to hear all the experiences where you've been in similar circumstances 😢 so glad you're still here @Charlotte120221

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Original poster
Sotiredteen · 11/08/2025 11:36

@growinguptobreakingdown is there anything else you think would be useful to ask?

OP posts:
Daboomboom · 11/08/2025 11:37

Not quite the same but my 16yr old likes me to go with her. She gets nervous. I generally sit quietly and dont interfere unless there is something she cant answer or something she has missed.

I dont think it is unreasonable to book an appointment or drive him there. Whether it's unreasonable to go in with him depends on what he wants. Is he OK with you going in with him? Would he prefer his Dad?

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