Not dropping DD to exInlaws?

Hiitsmeagain1 · 2025-08-10T17:57:54+00:00

Hi all not sure how to navigate this. Have finally successfully separated from husband after a turbulent marriage. In-laws have always been ok but since ex husband moved out they have been completely silent. Ex Husband has a history of disappearing and going off grid and consequently I haven't heard from him regarding our shared DD3 since it even asking to FT her. Ex fil just called and messaged saying he wants to speak to DD3. Told DD to tell mummy to drop her off to them tomrow. I don't want to see them but also don't want DD not to see her grandparents. The exInlaws are communicating through DD3 to me, no direct message asking if I can drop her. AIBU to say I'm not liaising with them and DD father can when he reappaears? Or is that a disservice to my DD?

rubyslippers · 10/08/2025 18:59

How old is your DD? Edit as it looks like she’s three
and no, I wouldn’t be facilitating any relationship with them if they have blanked you and your DH isn’t reliable
it’s also not appropriate they don’t communicate with you - feels manipulative

Swiftie1878 · 10/08/2025 18:59

Well, they need to stop involving DD in the arrangements if she’s only 3!!

CopperWhite · 10/08/2025 19:03

If they can’t respect the three year olds mother enough to talk to her, or have enough respect to ask if they can have contact, they can swing for it. Even if they had been nice about if they should be offering to pick her up.

There is no way someone would be looking after my small child if I couldn’t communicate with them, grandparents or not.

WaterOfADucksBack · 10/08/2025 19:03

If your other daughter isnt an adult they are communicating with, they should not be going through her.

Coud mediation help

BunniB · 10/08/2025 19:04

Did you overhear the conversation or did dd3 report this? If the latter I’d call exPiL back to check as toddlers often get messages very mixed up!

Personally if exPiL are okay then I’d stay in touch outside of contact with dh. Tell them you don’t want to leave dd3 with them unchaperoned as it has been so long since they had contact so please could you step inside and have a cup of tea in the garden or something so dd3 has the comfort of knowing you aren’t far away.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 10/08/2025 19:05

Leave any sort of relationship maintaining to exh.

End of.
Imo.

Original poster

Hiitsmeagain1 · 10/08/2025 19:05

Is it appropriate if I send the following message?

Hi, I am happy to facilitate a FT call for you and DD if you message me before to arrange but I don't think it's appropriate for me to be dropping DD to you. Her dad can make the arrangements. However you are more then welcome to come see DD in my home.

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TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2025 19:05

Well.....they can fuck off can't they!

How ridiculous, my 3yr old would be going nowhere.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2025 19:06

That's a very reasonable message.

BagGreen24 · 10/08/2025 19:06

I think it's nice they want to be in contact with DD but I would get in touch with them and request that all messages regarding contact should go through you and not DD. It's very manipulative to go through DD, how old is she?

Obviously up to you if you think they should have contact. Where they in the picture when DH was around? Do they know where DH is? How do they feel about no contact/financial contribution (assumed) from DH?

Campingisnexttogodliness · 10/08/2025 19:07

Never imo agree to them having her unsupervised..
Advise they can call round at x time.

Original poster

Hiitsmeagain1 · 10/08/2025 19:08

BunniB · 10/08/2025 19:04

Did you overhear the conversation or did dd3 report this? If the latter I’d call exPiL back to check as toddlers often get messages very mixed up!

Personally if exPiL are okay then I’d stay in touch outside of contact with dh. Tell them you don’t want to leave dd3 with them unchaperoned as it has been so long since they had contact so please could you step inside and have a cup of tea in the garden or something so dd3 has the comfort of knowing you aren’t far away.

I was in the room and heard it all. Kept asking DD if she missed daddy until she said yes.
I don't really have an issue with in-laws but they did over step boundaries with me and my parenting before and it hasn't been long since we actually seperated. Their contact with me stopped the day I ended the marriage. Mil has form for being rude and dismissive of what I say when I was in the marriage. Doubt anything would be listened to now !

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WaterOfADucksBack · 10/08/2025 19:09

Oh sorry I misread. I thought you meant they were going through another daughter.

tarheelbaby · 10/08/2025 19:09

If DD3 (and any other DCs) is a minor, you do not have to do anything. As much as I might want to see my GCs, a DD3 would not be a reliable liaison; I'd be asking a parent.

Invitations for your DC should go to you or their DF to consider. (Classic MN: an invitation is not a summons)

You can decline/refuse as you see fit, even for no reason at all. (e.g. We have plans then - your plans might be to watch telly but that's not for them to know)

Hoardasurass · 10/08/2025 19:10

I'd stop all contact with them if they think its appropriate to communicate with you through a 3 year old.
It's up to your ex to facilitate contact between his parents and your dd on his time not you @Hiitsmeagain1

Megapint · 10/08/2025 19:17

It's not at all appropriate for them to be communicating through your daughter...but I do think it's important for her to have a relationship with her grandparents. I would have a conversation with them about that would work on your terms and I would be happy to facilitate that. Not for thier sake or her father's but for her. Extended family can play such an important part especially if her dad isn't around.

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2025 19:18

Hiitsmeagain1 · 10/08/2025 19:05

Is it appropriate if I send the following message?

Hi, I am happy to facilitate a FT call for you and DD if you message me before to arrange but I don't think it's appropriate for me to be dropping DD to you. Her dad can make the arrangements. However you are more then welcome to come see DD in my home.

I wouldnt block the seeing dd (even if their son is crap)

Id tell them your not comfortable dropping dc to their house but you would be happy to meet in park/soft play etc

Spunspun · 10/08/2025 19:18

Honestly, they are being really inappropriate and rude.

It's not good for your DD to be put on the spot and manipulated like that. If you want to see a toddler, you ask the parents, not the toddler. Everybody knows that. It's basic practicality and manners (and maybe even safety).

I think that your message saying that they are welcome to visit her at your house is more than generous. If it was me, I'd be doing nothing until they messaged me politely about it, like grown-ups.

If they want access to the grandkids, then they need to treat the mother with respect (or else get their useless son to pull his weight). They clearly don't have a stellar parenting record and I don't see why you have to facilitate their unfettered access to another kid.

DoubleShotEspresso · 10/08/2025 19:21

OP I think your message is a very reasonable and kind response. So sorry you are in this position!

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2025 19:22

What was your relationship like with them before separating?
Did they look after dd?
Is there a reason you don't want to see them?

Original poster

Hiitsmeagain1 · 10/08/2025 19:23

Spunspun · 10/08/2025 19:18

Honestly, they are being really inappropriate and rude.

It's not good for your DD to be put on the spot and manipulated like that. If you want to see a toddler, you ask the parents, not the toddler. Everybody knows that. It's basic practicality and manners (and maybe even safety).

I think that your message saying that they are welcome to visit her at your house is more than generous. If it was me, I'd be doing nothing until they messaged me politely about it, like grown-ups.

If they want access to the grandkids, then they need to treat the mother with respect (or else get their useless son to pull his weight). They clearly don't have a stellar parenting record and I don't see why you have to facilitate their unfettered access to another kid.

Thank-you I have the same view - but just feel conflicted as DD does miss her grandparents.
I don't think I will send any message as they kept repeating to her to tell mum to drop you off tomorrow and yes I do think they could message me direct to discuss this but from what I gather the ex mil is hating on me now and got the ex fil to call instead (it would always be her FT prior).

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Original poster

Hiitsmeagain1 · 10/08/2025 19:27

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2025 19:22

What was your relationship like with them before separating?
Did they look after dd?
Is there a reason you don't want to see them?

As far as I was aware we were ok they would FT regularly and have DD 2 x a week term time.
I don't want to see them as they have completely gone off grid since we separated and knowing the MIL and SILs who live in the house can be really mean/bitchy and I don't want to be on the receiving end of it. Infact the ex mil has called me a shit when I was pregnant and threw a phone at me when we had a misunderstanding years ago. So I want to avoid being in that scenario again.

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KickHimInTheCrotch · 10/08/2025 19:32

The grown ups need to communicate and not through a 3 year old. Relationship breakdown does not have to negativity affect your children but shit like this is guaranteed to.

If it was me I would facilitate contact with the ex ILs if I felt this would benefit my DC. Not for their benefit. The whereabouts of the flaky, useless exH would have no bearing on it. I wouldn't deprive DC of a relationship with grandparents (if this was appropriate) because of my personal feelings.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 10/08/2025 19:33

Just seen your update - I would not allow my DC to go to their house if this is true about her throwing missiles at a pregnant woman.

Original poster

Hiitsmeagain1 · 10/08/2025 19:35

KickHimInTheCrotch · 10/08/2025 19:33

Just seen your update - I would not allow my DC to go to their house if this is true about her throwing missiles at a pregnant woman.

Well I wouldn't lie about that. I went NC for 5 months with them for it and tbh it only improved since DD was born as she's the only GD. But I do think they should communicate through me - they know me hopefully and what I'm about. So really hurt by their decision to chose this route.

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