Not dropping DD to exInlaws?

[Hiitsmeagain1]

Hi all not sure how to navigate this.

Have finally successfully separated from husband after a turbulent marriage. In-laws have always been ok but since ex husband moved out they have been completely silent.

Ex Husband has a history of disappearing and going off grid and consequently I haven't heard from him regarding our shared DD3 since it even asking to FT her.

Ex fil just called and messaged saying he wants to speak to DD3. Told DD to tell mummy to drop her off to them tomrow.
I don't want to see them but also don't want DD not to see her grandparents.
The exInlaws are communicating through DD3 to me, no direct message asking if I can drop her.

AIBU to say I'm not liaising with them and DD father can when he reappaears? Or is that a disservice to my DD?

Kept asking DD if she missed daddy until she said yes

If these people had an ounce of decency they would be ripping their son a new arsehole for not being in contact with his three year old, not manipulating a little girl. I wouldn't drop her off, I would message that contact with their GC could be arranged for her father's contact time. I wouldn't allow them an inch, they will obviously manipulate to get their own way. They are not safe OP, how long until they are trying to turn your DC against you?

Agree with this, plus, under the law they have access rights so should have no expectations of seeing DD at all unless facilitated by their son. As lovely as it may be for DD to have a relationship with GPs, it is not OPs responsibility to manage it, and certainly not if they have no interest in fostering a relationship with OP. I’d be stopping the FT calls and telling them to speak to their son.

I agree. I can't put turning my DD against me past them.
No they believe in his absence he is suffering. And he's the victim. So they enable his behaviour by allowing his to do this every time something happens he does not want to face/agree with.

I think your idea of allowing FT or contact at your home is the best way forward if you want your DD to maintain a relationship with her grandparents. Then you will be present for all interactions and can intervene if necessary.

Given your latest post, I dont think I'd be putting myself out.for a MIL like that. A facetime call is enough. I wouldn't have them over at you house.

Asking DD if she's missing him is
manipulative behaviour.

I've just messaged the FIL saying he can FT DD whenever he want. And he is more then welcome to come to my home to see DD whenever we are home and free.

Tbh I'd completely ignore any requests for contact fed though a 3yo. I wouldn't even acknowledge them.

With my older DC at school, I'm told constantly "X has said I can come to his house this weekend and have a sleepover" or "Y says I can come over after school on Wednesday". I say "That's nice, but it's not happening unless their mummy or daddy contacts me to ask or agree to it, because children don't arrange playdates sorry".

I'd take the same approach here. Unless an adult asks another adult directly, it's not happening.

If you haven't already, make it very clear in your next communication that that is only by prior arrangement with you, and he needs to speak to you to arrange, not go via DD. Offering them to come and visit is generous.

I would say we can all meet together initially, if it's all good perhaps you could see DD without me.

If they are nasty and prone to violence as in your update absolutely no way.

You’re being very generous OP, given their behaviour, and I hope they appreciate it.

I would intervene and end the call if they start manipulating DD in future or asking her inappropriate questions. She’s 3. If they want to be in her life they need to cut that out and be supportive loving GPS
only

I would keep your daughter away from these people. God knows what they would be saying about you to your daughter if they were to have her alone. If her useless father turns up at some point, he can facilitate contact with in laws on his own time.

They are very rude and a bit bonkers. Communicating through a 3 year old!

I think his parents making an effort is good thing regardless of what their son does. Why should they be banned from a relationship with their grand daughter because their sons a twat?

denying your daughter a relationship with her extended family because of her father is shit. A village and family who love her are a bonus not a burden.

it might be best for them to see her in a park while you sit aside so you don’t have to be involved but can keep an eye

they do need to communicate with you directly though. You can’t communicate with a 3 year old

I would never deny any relationship of love for my DD despite what they think of me.
My focus is what is good for my DD - she loves her GP but they can be very disrespectful towards me and my boundaries while I was married to their son so how do I navigate this as I will never go to their home now. I doubt I would be welcome.

If you think they are unsafe or dangerous then fine. But you’ve had them watching her 2 x a week for how long so must have been fine with them watching her before.

you don’t need to be friends with them is your ex friends with your parents? They’re her family and she is too young to facilitate a relationship with them so as her resident parent you will / are the only one who can.

you don’t need to get on or speak outside of pick up drop off arrangements/ diet

Yes the 2x a week was her fathers request but even before we split I spoke to him to reduce the days as I didn't like how they were crossing boundaries not adhering to eating habits/routines etc - we agreed to 1 day a week from September but I was contemplating even stopping that. If they don't speak to me how would I know what she ate/did/any issues upon pickup etc? It's just too anxiety inducing to imagine the scenarios.

It's very important for kids to have support after a family break up, and having grandparents to be there for you can be really important. My friend said that seeing her grandparents was a life-saver for her-she later had counselling for how her dad leaving affected her. She felt she didn't want to put pressure on her mum as she felt so sorry for her and blindsided by what happened. Obviously it wasn't her mum's fault her dad left and wasn't reliable, but it sounds like it's similar to your situation in that if it had been left to her dad, she'd not have seen them much, so it's thanks to her mum that she did. She's family to them just as to her mum, and it's wasn't there fault their son let his wife and kids down-they were always faithful to each other and were disgusted at what he did to them. As a grown up, I can say the man seemed nice, but I can see now he was a bad son as well as a parent for leaving my friend's mum. Obviously it depends on the situation, I don't know if her dad is like your ex, but it sounds like you're saying it's the same as in you can't rely on your ex to be reliable about having them see her regularly?

That manipulative way they kept asking her if she missed daddy - shouldn’t have even been discussing that with her!!! - frankly I would consider that abusive and also what are they going to be saying about you to her when on their own with her? FT or visiting is not your responsibility it’s her father’s to organise when he has her on his visiting time! I would tell them that they can organise her visiting them with her father when he’s actually organised visiting his own child first but you do not want them ringing or FT her without you there! Completely inappropriate with a 3 year old!!!

I would contact them and say youre happy for them to see DD but if they ever do it again, where they use DD as an intermediate you wont engage further. Shes a baby and it isnt fair to make promises that cant be kept or accommodated. And lay some groundwork so you dont do all the graft.

DD deserves as many people who love her as possible so if it were me id encourage ExILs, also it might be helpful to have babysitters on hand. But id speak to them about clear boundaries and rules so it works for you too.

Sorry to hear exH is so useless and wish you both the best