What would be the positives of being married

[Thechickenisburning]

Dp and I together since we were 17, now mid 40’s.
Mortgage/house is in both our names, cars in both our names, shared bank account and similar earnings, one Dc & one Ddog

Please can anyone tell me why it would be better to be married and list the reasons

Or is it better not to be?

Inheritance tax benefits.

(If he earns/has more than you) To be in a better financial position were you to ever get divorced.

You feel committed to each other. But then I've not cohabited so maybe it's possible to feel that way when you aren't married.

How would his wages go to me?

Can you explain the part about inheritance tax please? This is not my domain at all

Inheritance between spouses is free of inheritance tax.

That's the main reason for equal earners with equal share in assets.

If you really know nothing about IHT I’d google it! Basically everyone has a nil rate band of £325k and this is transferable to spouse on death so when they die, your kids then get £650k tax free. But if you leave the house to your kids after the second death, you/they get another bit of tax relief so you can leave up to £1m tax free. For now. Expect Labour will change it.

On divorce the starting point is 50/50 division of marital assets (which includes the home you live in if you own it, whether or not your name’s on the deeds). But if one person earns way more than the other and the other one can’t afford to get a new house on their income, they might get more if the equity from the house, or possibly spousal maintenance for a while (everyone on here says SM “isn’t a thing” - it is. I earn pretty well but still got SM in 2024 due to the massive discrepancy between my and ex’s incomes).

Do you have significant amount in pensions? These would be in sole names and subject to inheritance tax, I think, if they are even transferable to a non spouse. Check the t&cs.

Do you have mirror wills? I think probate would mean parents or nearest relative inheriting. I’m not sure, but worth checking.

Are you both each others next of kin? for medical decisions.

You might have relatively little concern while all is well, but think through the what ifs if one party was to cheat or decide to leave. Ie, look at bank account terms and conditions - could you clear out the account without him being informed? Lodge it in another account in your own name. As it’s not a marital asset, it would be yours. Not moral but potentially not criminal either.

with wills, if one changes the will unbeknownst to the other they might be able to leave half the house to someone else?

Wow. It's embarrassing being female sometimes. I cannot believe that your reason for being married is so you can screw him over in a divorce. Have some self respect. You're embarrassing yourself and women in general.

She isn’t the one embarrassing herself.

It's embarrassing that you see it as "screwing him over" rather than having the financial sacrifices of being the primary carer recognised.

It works the other way too. If he's the lower earner or makes financial sacrifices to care for children.

What an ignorant and rude post. I wasn’t suggesting it as a strategy, I was answering the OP’s question regarding practical reasons to be married.

I am not married, and have never married with the intention of getting divorced. However after my wife had an affair and left me (the primary carer of our child) it certainly was helpful having the financial protections of marriage.

“Have some self respect” yourself, instead of throwing such cretinous comments at strangers on the internet.

Have you made Wills?
Possibly even more importantly have you made Power of Attorney?

Who would be your child's official guardian in the event of a death? would there be any family conflict?

Essentially, marriage, or civil partnership means that the state recognises your union and in the event of death or incapacitation, the red tape formalities are less stressful.

The solid reason for marriage is not at all about 'screwing anyone over' it's about ratifying your partnership and protecting your legal rights. It might not be romantic, but it does give peace of mind.

Being next of kin if either of you need medical care and haven't the capacity to make decisions. Only relevant if closer next of kin (eg parents) might make different decisions.

Inheritance tax

Pensions

Generally all tax, and ownership issues get covered by the contract of marriage - you can cover it all with agreements, wills etc but it's bit more failsafe.

I was a bit worried about DP now DH's, rights to kids if I died

It is easier when one of you dies.

If you earn similar amounts and both have your names on the deeds of the house, probably limited value in being married but it might make things easier as others have said for IHT and next of kin issues.

Marriage is essential if you're a SAHM or lower earner. It's a disaster if you're the breadwinner. Neutral if you're roughly at parity. In your shoes I'm not sure I'd bother with the faff, but it might give you some security.

If you're married, then everything you leave your spouse after your death is tax free to them. If you are not married then they pay inheritance tax on whatever you leave them above the tax-free band assessed on the value at the date of their death, NOT what you paid for it.
So if you co-own a home which is assessed as worth 800k for example, each of you has a share worth £400k. If you die, and have no other cash/assets, and leave your share of your home to your partner, they have to pay 40% tax on 400k less the tax free amount of £325k. So their tax bill is 40% of £75k, or £30,000. A spouse would pay no tax at all.
There are extra benefits about combining thresholds for leaving stuff to children, but I think for someone with young children, the main benefit is knowing that if the worst happens, the surviving parent won't be presented with a tax bill for being bereaved.

Your lives are essentially tangled right now so having the ability to neatly separate has long since gone out of the window but currently you are not next of kin so you are not exempt from inheritance tax from each other, capital gains tax, pension inheritance. You are unable to be priority in terms of making medical decisions for each other. Weddings are romantic, marriages help smooth out legal necessities in life.
I would look into the benefits of marriage or civil partnerships because just assuming it'll be OK will bite you in the ass one day. Unless you're happy with all his assets passing to his next legal kin (his half of the house for instance).

Never having to date anyone else?

If you have a really secure relationship, there are endless positives to being married.
If you are on shaky ground, don’t do it!!

They've been together more than 20 years, with a mortgage, child and pet. What makes you think they're not committed?

I didn’t buy my house expecting for it to burn down but I still pay for home and contents insurance every year, just on the off chance.

I was a SAHM for a period of time. Something we jointly agreed worked best for our family and about which I have no regrets.

But it does mean that I haven’t progressed as far in my career as I otherwise would have and obviously will have a smaller pension.

My DH and I are happily married, but you never know what might happen so should he (for example) get a bump on the head, change personality and decide to leave me then my status as primary carer would be recognised in any division of our assets.

There are of course other rights which protect both parties to the marriage. Not sure of the rules in England but in Scotland:

if a married person dies intestate the spouse inherits where a partner would not necessarily

inheritance tax benefits as already mentioned

Automatic widow/er inheritance of pension even if not nominated.

parental rights for the father even if not present at registration.

presumption of next of kin status in medical situations

Occupancy rights to marital home even if not named on the title deeds.

As a PP SAID - the biggest reason is if your DP got hit buy a bus tomorrow and his share of the house plus all his other assets was worth more than £325k then the estate would be paying thousands in inheritance tax. If you were married you could inhert tax free. If his only asset is the house, and you personally don't have any other assets then there is a chance you may have to sell the house to pay the inheritance tax bill!

Only thing is inheritance tax, makes absolutely no difference to your life being married and if you do divorce, its a pain. In fact the thought of divorce makes people stay together longer than they should flogging that dead horse because its difficult and expensive to split.

I suppose part of the reason they may not feel committed is the OP could be considering the merits of marriage.

My brother and his partner have been together for decades and she's older than him. My brother had a health scare a few years ago so they made wills to ensure their wishes are met. I would recommend this for all unmarried couples. You don't get IHT benefits but at least you have peace of mind.

There’s the romantic element too. We were together for years before we finally married. It was unexpectedly romantic and wonderful. I felt different afterwards. Somehow I felt a bit more settled, committed and in love. Most unexpected as we were very happy beforehand.

we did think and worry a lot before taking the plunge though as sometimes after a long time together, people get married and it fall apart quickly afterwards. I’m pretty convinced that this is down to people who are trying desperately to paper over the cracks and make a last ditch attempt to save their relationship, then realising that a piece of paper doesn’t fix anything, working at your relationship is the only possible way (and that doesn’t guarantee a fix either )

but for me the wedding itself was a confirmation of our commitment, a cracking good party with the people we loved and just all round wonderful ❤️