Is this rude? Am I too sensitive?

[EWAB]

My partner was born in London but has a massive Irish family, with cousins living all over the world.

One of his cousins is now living in London and they see each other quite often, sometimes on their own after work sometimes with other family members.

I have met her a couple of times over the years in massive gatherings but would like to see her again.

Last week my partner, younger son and BiL went out with her and her son to see a kind of exhibition game that her son is interested in.

My son has just said that his dad, as they were saying goodbye, said she should come over to see me and the eldest boy who is partner’s stepson. She just replied that she had no ‘bandwidth’ to deal with other people’s partners and stepkids.

I feel really offended. I can’t speak to partner as my son has asked me not to.

Am I being sensitive?

No one is ever "too sensitive" (used too much on this site). That person could have been more polite though, given an excuse for example. It was a bit rude but if that's their opinion, not much you can do.

I don't think it was a kind remark. I would be upset to think you and your child weren't worthy because not blood related, but that your husband and other child are... I don't like people that do that, you can as a package deal!

Given that, you now know her position. Act accordingly. Don't waste your time and energy on someone.

She’s a dick

Well it was rude, but honest.
It is clear that she has few in the way of interpersonal skills but at least you don’t have to worry about having to deal with her in the future. She shouldn’t have said that knowing that it is obviously getting back to you, but better that than you thinking she’s a friend when she’s clearly not. Be relieved!

Poor choice of words to describe a valid feeling

She was quite upfront, but I get it, especially as they have a massive family already.

You're not unreasonable to feel upset, but she isn't unreasonable for feeling the way she does either.

She’s a rude bitch, ignore her OP.

I guess that as she has a big family with loads of cousins, she's previously experienced the situation when you get to know a family member's partner and step kids - and then they split up and you never see them again (this has happened to me before with my cousin and brother). She's decided that she can't be bothered investing time and effort in the relationship for it to happen again.

It's not personal to you OP. It sounds like she'd be the same with any of her cousin's partners.

It is a bit rude but at least she's been honest! She could have just have made a vague excuse.

Very honest and probably a bit brutal but no one has to socialise with anyone they don’t want to just because they are with a family member

That’s really rude, and very unnecessary, especially considering your son is presumably you and your partner’s son’s half sibling? Your husband should have told her so. Don’t spend any more time thinking about her or meeting up with her if she has this attitude to you and yours, that’s really insulting.

I see why you feel hurt, but limited bandwidth sounds genuine enough, so take it at face value.

She is a really nice woman, very popular within the family. BiL says her being in London had injected some fresh energy.

I was really upset by her response and want to talk to my partner but my son has sworn me to secrecy.

She was upfront and honest that she doesn’t have the time or inclination to spend time with people who aren’t her family or friends. Tbh I’m the same. I have enough going on with trying to arrange to see people and work , look after dc and dogs. My cousins partner and her son would be low down on my list of priorities.
would it have been better if she’d said ‘sure it would be lovely to see X’ and then just dodged arrangements.

This. Yes, it was a blunt way of phrasing it, but once you’ve gone to the trouble of getting to know someone who’s only in your life because of their relationship with a friend or family member of yours, and that relationship then ends meaning you never see that person or their children ever again, and that happens a few times, it can make you a bit wary.

There are certainly people in my wider family or friendship groups where I would actively avoid investing in a new partner or ‘stepchildren’, because I’ve been introduced to so many previous iterations.

It would have been rude if she'd said it to you like that rather than toning down the message.

But I think it's refreshing for people to say that they don't have time to invest in new relationships at the moment, rather than you ending up with the situation that's so often played out on MN, where people have supposed "friends" who never organise a meetup, constantly cancel, turn up late etc. At least you know where you are. It's not a reflection on you. No one person can be friends with everyone.

I dont think it was rude, blunt yes, but it is not personal or directed at you in particular, in such a big family she feels she has enough going on with actual relatives and doesn't have the time/headspace for in laws too. I think you are hurt because you like her and want to see her again so you are taking it to heart.

I don’t think it’s rude, as it’s not personal to you - it’s just how she feels.
There’s always a lot of talk in here about having and enforcing personal boundaries. She is clearly a popular, sociable person who has her limits of how far she’s prepared to spread herself. She’s enforcing her boundaries and doesn’t want her already large family to be expanded further in terms of her social commitments.

Is this universally true for all the other family members , or just for you and your kid?

If the first, yeah, it’s a bit hurtful but honest and fair enough. You can’t force people to spend time with you if they don’t want to. If it just applies to you (because you’re not married and “just” a partner?!?) then it is rude , but again you can’t force people to spend time with you if they don’t want to.

I guess that as she has a big family with loads of cousins, she's previously experienced the situation when you get to know a family member's partner and step kids - and then they split up and you never see them again

It’s this. I have absolutely no bandwidth for DH’s stepbrothers latest partner and stepchildren - never mind a massive family with tons of cousins.

Whilst I think 'bandwidth' is an annoyingly wanky phrase, I do understand what she means.

Since moving to London it sounds as though she's very busy keeping up with family and work etc so no, she probably doesn't have time to include visiting her cousin's partners etc.

Her only 'crime' was to be honest, rather than to nod and lie and say she'll try.

You were impressed by her and want to be her friend, she doesn’t feel the same way. As an introverted person, being dragged to meet extended family fills me with dread too. If she had said “no, I didn’t like her” that would be something to feel bad about. She made it clear it was because of her, not because of you, but you’ve decided to take it personally. Maybe your main character syndrome is why she didn’t vibe with you?

It was really rude and you’re not being overly sensitive! Not much you can do though

@BoredZelda

Because I want to socialise with my partner and a member of his family doesn’t mean that I have‘Main Character Syndrome’

Yes, it was bad manners. And saying she had no ‘bandwidth’ for it, was a stupidly irritating excuse. Based on that, I wouldn’t want to meet her anyway.

Think she was pretty rude. One of my cousins has 26 (?) direct cousins on her dad’s side. Family gatherings are huge, particularly now they’re adults and have their own dc (one had triplets!). I can kind of see why the cousin may have decided she just can’t deal with partners/dc, but her phrasing was poor.