Is this rude? Am I too sensitive?

[EWAB]

My partner was born in London but has a massive Irish family, with cousins living all over the world.

One of his cousins is now living in London and they see each other quite often, sometimes on their own after work sometimes with other family members.

I have met her a couple of times over the years in massive gatherings but would like to see her again.

Last week my partner, younger son and BiL went out with her and her son to see a kind of exhibition game that her son is interested in.

My son has just said that his dad, as they were saying goodbye, said she should come over to see me and the eldest boy who is partner’s stepson. She just replied that she had no ‘bandwidth’ to deal with other people’s partners and stepkids.

I feel really offended. I can’t speak to partner as my son has asked me not to.

Am I being sensitive?

I would be that frank with my cousins. It wouldn't be rude it would just be to be clear to avoid future awkward situations.

I wouldn't say it on front of the stepsons half sibling, was she maybe not aware that he was right there right at that moment?

At any rate it wasn't personal, it was a generalisation not you specifically. I never assume that my friends or partners friends are going to automatically become my friends anyway and will speak up if I feel like that's being unnaturally forced

She doesn't have to come to you though does she?

Text her and ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch.

@EWAB How old is your ds who relayed the conversation to you?

I think it was rude. Much like @BoredZelda ’s reply. I guess in her defence she wasn’t to know you’d end up hearing about it.

Why were you really upset? She's not your pal! She's his.

I would be annoyed that the child heard it, but that would be it

Your partner's pals aren't your ready made rent-a-crowd.

Unless you had reason to think the two of you had a friendship of your own going, why so upset? Someone who isn't your friend, isn't going to become your friend any time soon. Oh well!.

As long as she's polite to you at big family dos and weddings and funerals.. that's enough? From your partner's cousin he is pally with

Judging by the other comments the brutal truth is quite popular. Personally, I think it was incredibly rude and demeaning. Not the way to talk to, or about, anyone quite frankly. Anyway, at least you now know that your desire for friendship isn't mutual.

Op, match her energy. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Life is too short to waste time on people who have no interest in you. Spend time with those who do. 🙂

It would be rude to say it to her
It was wrong that the son heard it

But if she's close with her cousin, why wouldn't she speak freely about what she is and isn't up for.

IMO people who say yes definitely and then let you ask 4 more times while they make excuses or cancellations are much ruder, would you prefer that?

I'm surprised that people think this is rude (perhaps because I would say similar in her shoes). It would be rude if she said it to you directly (and I'm sure she wouldn't) and it's really not great if she knew son was listening, but actually that level of clarity about not having space in your life for a new friend / relationship is very refreshing. I meet people I like but honestly I barely have time to have a shower so "fitting in" something or someone new is just not going to happen without massive upheaval to my life. I don't see my cousins (who I like) outside family gatherings -- I certainly wouldn't be seeing their partners, however nice they are.

I guess I think it’s rude because she said it in earshot of the OPs child.

Agree that's rude, but it's hard to know from OP whether she knew child was in earshot.

Agree

So it depends really on whether the son had been out of ear shot chatting to others in the group and she hadn't realised he had returned, or if she said it knowing he was right there listening

Unless I've got this very wrong, I believe the stepson was present (he was saying goodbye at the door) when the comment was made. So she didn't just say it to her cousin. She said "she had no ‘bandwidth’ to deal with other people’s partners and stepkids." Which I would've thought by most people's standards was rude and unkind. Fair enough that she doesn't want to be friends with the OP (that's not my point) but for god sake, surely there's better ways to say it in front of the actual stepson?

You got it wrong. It wasn’t in front of the stepson.

You're not too sensitive, it would be normal to be upset by that. I wouldn't look at it as a personal attack though, she said she doesn't have bandwidth for anyone's partners or stepkids, nothing specific about you. Maybe she is an introvert or socially anxious and finds socialising too much for her.

Your husband's cousin was extremely rude and selfish to reply in that way to her own cousin's (your partner's) invitation to mix with the rest of his family. She sounds dreadful. And given the fact that she is Irish (as am I) I interpret it as being even more culturally unacceptable. I'm shocked.

It’s fine for her to feel like that but dreadful that she said it in front of your son. I’m sure that stung him a bit. She didn’t even need to make an excuse, she could have just said “maybe”, but instead she chose to devalue your association to the family in quite a public and very careless way. I would have expected your husband to quietly pick her up on this at some point but I have no suggestion about what to do, without making your son feel worse.

Maybe is rude and sets them both up for awkward confusion in the future .

How many times does he have to ask and be told maybe before he can take it as a no and stop asking? And why is that better than getting a no the first time so everyone's clear?

This really.

its a shame you liked her & would have liked to get to know her better, but for one reason or another she doesn't have the capacity to socialise with anyone that doesn't already know her well.

try not to take it personally x

I asked the OP why she had particularly earmarked this cousin as her future friend, especially as it's a big family, and why she is upset that someone who isn't currently her friend, is just, still not her friend?

She hadn't LOST a friend

If I was the cousin and I felt like I was being appointed as the partners pal: like being buddies up in school. I would run a mile, and saying "I don't have the bandwidth for any new person" would have been the polite version!

Please see the rest of my response.

I can see that you might be hurt hearing that. It seems like she doesn't have the time nor the energy for anything else on her life.

I can understand why your feelings were hurt but it wasn't a remark you were ever meant to hear about and I think it's a perfectly valid comment to make.

If someone said to me that I should go and visit my cousin's partner I would think they had lost the plot, quite frankly.

She didn’t say it to you and likely didn’t intend her comment to be repeated to you.

her stance is completely reasonable: she’s busy and doesn’t have time for more relationships. That’s fair.

But so would my cousins partners.

Some I've naturally clicked with more as the years went on, but if any of us where being "set up" as future friends like that, it would be 🤨 on BOTH sides

Still wondering if the OP can explain quite why she had earmarked this particular cousin for friendship? It's kinda a weird thing to do to assume you'll pair up like that with one of your DPs friends

I'm assuming it's to do with her being female

Which would make me less likely to ever get friendly with the OP