Your child(ren) should Never be your best friend

[IhadaStripeyDeckchair]

I'm amazed at how many times I've seen a poster refer to their child as their "best friend".

The parent child relationship is unique and to be cherished. We nurture & care for our children but our responsibility is to prepare them to be functioning adults, without our input.

In order to move from being a baby to an adult, our children need to learn things that it is our responsibility to teach them, and they need to step away from us and build their adult life. This is how life is, how we function.

There are times when we need to out in place boundaries, when we say no or have to watch them figure things out - it's part of the growing & learning process.

So to say a child is your "best friend" is to change the parameters of the relationship, to the detriment of the child.

Friendship is a relationship of equals, with some give & take as people's circumstances change. Some friendships are lifelong, some are for a period of time (Uni, small children in common, career friendships etc)

AIBU to say that if you see your child as your "best friend" then you are doing both them and you a disservice?

Agree. Puts unfair pressure on the child.

Preach sister 🙌

Nah, you're right of course.

Goes without saying really.

Although I don't think most people actually mean best friend when they say it.

Yes, absolutely agree. It's a big warning marker for my line of work if a parent says that. Usually coupled with 'I know I'm too soft' and the child knowing far, far too much adult-level information.

Totally agree OP. A parent-child relationship is a totally different thing to a friendship. My mother used to confide in me and my sister when we were kids about adult things like how shit her relationship was with my dad. It was extremely inappropriate and has had a long lasting impact on us both. She should have shared those things with an adult friend

Yep, hear this a lot from separated parents especially.
Your child is your child and while it's important to have a good relationship, it's not friendship.
And if your child is your entire world, find some hobbies!

I don't think it's fair to expect a child to fulfil the role of being a friend to their parent. They need their parents to, well...parent. They should be encouraged to nurture their own independent friendships with their peers, and the parents should look to their own friendships to get their own social needs met.

That said, I think parent-child relationships can still be very close and have elements of "friendship" within them. And as the child grows up, I think the relationship between an adult "child" and their parent can absolutely develop into a genuine close friendship.

So it's all about ages and stages as far as I'm concerned.

I agree.

Even worse, my DH's XW came up to me once and said that when DH left, their son became the 'man of the house'. He was 9 at the time

I think it depends on the age of the child.
As I recall the tale of the Doctors receptionist who thought an 80yo was showing signs of dementia saying she couldn't wait she needed to get home for her Mother.
They checked the records after she left, yes she was going home to care for her 102yo mother!

You are right in some cases, but sometimes I think it’s just something lighthearted that people say to others when they are at that point with their child where they would rather spend time with their kid than their other friends because the kid is so much fun to be around. Sometimes it’s just not that deep OP.

I call my dd my best friend, as shes 6 and autistic and doesn't have any friends yet

I want her to know how loved she is, and tell her often, along with all of the other positive affirmations. I think she understands me and likes to hear them

That said, I dont treat her as my best friend. I try to keep to a routine and enforce clear boundaries. I am the parent, she is my baby

Totally agree - we're parents, not friends!

My other pet hate is children being told to take care of their mum/dad.

Happened to me and my sister. We were not more than about 11 at the time.

I agree. It's really important to have boundaries and keep your child safe and secure in the fact that you are a parent, not a friend. I have known parents to be overly permissive to try and gain love and approval from their children, to the point that the child lacks the structure and limits that they truly need. I want my children to be able to come to me with any problem, not to fear me or feel distance from me, but at the same time know and take comfort in the fact that I am not a peer.

Agree. Red flag.

YANBU during childhood but one of the greatest surprises I've had in becoming a parent to adult children is a shift towards a true friendship of equals.

I have an amazing (I think) relationship with my son, that being said, I always treated him as my son and my job as his parent, was to help him grow up to be a responsible, independent adult that was kind and thoughtful. Children only have ONE/TWO parents, but parents can have lots of friends/children. That's why I think it's important that they know they have parents/parent that unconditionally love them as a parent, not a friend and that relationship is different to others.
...phew that sounded complicated. I always thought very carefully about how much information to share/what to share and the boundries I set. I hope that I helped to make him into the great person he is today 😍

Yes and no.

I certainly agree that a parent relying on a child for emotional support and over-sharing is a disaster. Similarly that a parent over-coddling and helicoptering a child is not good. I think a parent should maintain authority in the relationship and the child should know they are in control.

But, and it's a big but, I do think there is a role for friendship in the parent/child relationship. I'm a single parent to an only child and it has fostered a very close relationship between me and my daughter. I have to be careful that she doesn't become emotionally over-reliant on me. But the upside to this is she is very emotionally open with me: I don't have to worry about her keeping things from me, and she absolutely trusts me to do the best for her. I know, barring some disastrous breakdown in my relationship, she'll always be in my life.

I think it's become fashionable to say that you should never be your child's "best friend" and while there's an element of truth in this I think it's also become a bit of a fig leaf for parents being overly Victorian and authoritarian and just saying no to everything. Like most elements of parenting, it depends on the relationship between the parent and the child, it relies a lot on instinct and self-knowledge and moderation is important.

Absolutely. This delusion can mean the parent sharing, imposing, expecting too much of a child before they're able to cope with it.

It may be all tied up with parent's fear of ageing - "oh, we get mistaken for sisters, I can wear my daughter's clothes, she tells me everything ..."

It can be an excuse for parent not building leadership, feedback, assertiveness, conflict management skills.

I think it's parent-centered thinking, not child-centred.

My daughter is my best mate! Your description of a parent sounds very transactional and probably why so many women on here are have damaged relationships with their parents.

I don’t spend time with my daughter because I have to teach her I actually enjoy her company and want to be around her.

I think it's a very easy line to blur

We all know women especially who when the children have moved out who really suffer with empty nest syndrome. They don't have any social circles because they've neglected their friendships for an emeshed relationship with their children. They have no hobbies and their entire lives revolve around spending time with their now fledged children who have now moved on.

Do you not have any adult best mates?

I don’t spend time with my daughter because I have to teach her I actually enjoy her company and want to be around her.

I don't think anyone spends time with their DC just because they have to teach them, do they?

It's perfectly normal to find both of those things very enjoyable.

My mum is one of my best friends, I tell her everything and love her company... I think its no ones business tbh just focus on yourself and let others do them

It all depends how you interpret the saying.
I have a great relationship with my dcs (teens) and actively enjoy their company. I am still firmly their parent too. I wouldn’t call them my best friends as there’s enough subjects I wouldn’t discuss with them that I do discuss with good adult friends (relationship with dh, other family issues they don’t need to be burdened with etc)

However, I didn’t have a very friendly relationship with my parents growing up and they have always treated me as a child who they had to advice and judge on. I have little contact with them now as I’m finding their constant questioning and criticism very tiring (I am 50 , and am happy with my life choices so far!)
I am very aware I want to move towards a more equal relationship with my dcs as they grow into adults.

I agree op.
Your a parent not the best friend.
My other two hates are.
They keep me young.
And look after your parents its like raising a career because you had them so late in life.

Friendship is a relationship of equals,

This is a weirdly Saturday morning cartoon sentiment. Friendship isn't always between equals. I've been a manager who was genuinely good friends with my staff. I work in a different industry now but am friends with people who have professional power over me and vice versa, or who I have mentor/mentee relationships with. I teach a sports class and I'm friends with people who pay for my time.

Equally, I'm friends with my mother and I'm friends with my son. In both cases, we are mother and daughter/mother and son first, especially in the case of my son, as he's still a child. But an element of both relationships is friendship, we like each other, choose each other's company regularly, have interests in common, have a banter and rapport that can only exist in friendship and is often absent in parent-child relationships. My role of mother far super-cedes any friendship, for one, I think of my son in everything I do, in a way that I never would for a friend. I have to pull rank at times, make decisions that are in his best interest rather than to please him, in a way that doesn't exist in friendship. And many aspects of our relationship are one way, as he can burden me with his worries but I can't do the same with him. But he is also, very much a friend.