Your child(ren) should Never be your best friend

[IhadaStripeyDeckchair]

I'm amazed at how many times I've seen a poster refer to their child as their "best friend".

The parent child relationship is unique and to be cherished. We nurture & care for our children but our responsibility is to prepare them to be functioning adults, without our input.

In order to move from being a baby to an adult, our children need to learn things that it is our responsibility to teach them, and they need to step away from us and build their adult life. This is how life is, how we function.

There are times when we need to out in place boundaries, when we say no or have to watch them figure things out - it's part of the growing & learning process.

So to say a child is your "best friend" is to change the parameters of the relationship, to the detriment of the child.

Friendship is a relationship of equals, with some give & take as people's circumstances change. Some friendships are lifelong, some are for a period of time (Uni, small children in common, career friendships etc)

AIBU to say that if you see your child as your "best friend" then you are doing both them and you a disservice?

Totally agree. Agree also with parents damaging their children by treating them as mini-adults - worse is when parents reduce themselves to their children’s level and play “friends” at teenage levels.

A lot of this is about the definition of friendship: I enjoy spending time with my children because they’re interesting and funny. But the same goes for my friends, and a whole lot more. Friendship amongst adults should be deeper than it could ever be with a child.

I think a lot of “my child is my best friend” nonsense is adults wanting to take refuge from their problems by only operating at child-like levels.

'I think a lot of “my child is my best friend” nonsense is adults wanting to take refuge from their problems by only operating at child-like levels'

That's an interesting take, and it makes sense

I also think that friendships with other adults involve a certain level of risk - there's a chance that the other person may let you down, disappoint you, even betray you at some point. Some adults, my mother for example, cant really handle that emotionally, so lean on their children way too heavily to provide them with support and companionship

Agreed, but also sometimes said for lack of a better way to articulate the parent child relationship e.g my DD is my 'BF', is more of a buzzword.

I wouldn't say "never". There's nothing wrong with them being your best friends in adulthood. My DC are adults, we all separately have our own friends. But DC will talk to me if they need advice and, while I wouldn't place anything too heavy on them, I get advice from them too. We have a good laugh together. Do stuff together. We know we can rely on each other whereas other people can be flaky or otherwise let you down. It's all perfectly healthy. As I say, we have our own friends/interests. But we share a lot too.

This

DD is six and I tell her every time she says we’re best friends “I’m not your friend I’m your mummy”. She normally defaults to “Kitty kat is my best friend” and to be fair, while it is a pretty one sided friendship she is a good friend to the cat.

My aunt was very “best friend” like with my cousin and it really fucked her up. She knew about all the marital issues and family drama from a young age and it really messed with our whole family dynamics. By the way, the family drama isn’t crazy stuff it mostly revolves around my aunts one sided beef with my grandad who apparently had a favourite child. Having seen first hand how it can mess up kids I am very against it. Some people think I’m harsh for telling DD we’re not friends but it’s true - also why would I be mates with a 6 year old, she’s useless on the pub quiz team and can’t even drive!

I do agree with most of the sentiment in the idea that you shouldn't be your child's "best friend". Particularly around having robust boundaries, clear authority etc.

But to play devil's advocate: if there's no friendship at all in a parent/child relationship, you get a whole other set of problems.

It's really important that you should be able to confide in your parents when you want to. There are scenarios where you really wouldn't want to seem like some dauntingly unapproachable authority figure.

For example: a teenage daughter getting pregnant. Bullying at school. The breakup of a first relationship. Suidical ideation. Problems with drugs and alcohol. In that situation if you're scared of your parent, find them dauntingly unapproachable, it's likely to push you into seeking support from outside sources.

To give you an example: my mum was very repressed and refused to talk about sex or relationships to me. She was also weirdly permissive and allowed me a lot of freedom but I never felt comfortable talking to her about affairs of the heart or asking for basic advice about biological changes such as periods etc.

When I was 19 I had my heart broken by a boy I was dating and whom I became pregnant by: he made it clear he didn't want to raise the child or have any involvement at all. I had to have an abortion in my first month at university and I had to go through it more or less alone because my mum made it clear she wouldn't discuss any aspect of this relationship as she didn't approve of it. I survived this experience but it made for a pretty miserable first year of university, I came quite close to a full mental breakdown and my studies went off the rails for a few months and I couldn't talk to my mum about it: I never fully trusted her again.

If she had been more of a "friend" to me as a teenager, it would have saved me a lot of pain and anguish at a very vulnerable time.

So I would say be careful with this "parents and children should never be friends" thing. There's an element of truth in it, particularly where it relates to authority and discipline. But if taken too far it just creates a big barrier between parent and child which can stifle communication.

My XH used to use this as a way of criticising my parenting. I never once claimed to be DD’s best friend but because I treated her kindly and listened to her pov, he claimed I was weak and letting her down as a parent because I wanted to be her friend. Not at all true.

My DD (20) does say that I am her best friend which makes me uncomfortable, but I never contradict her because she is open and honest with me and she knows I will listen without judgement.