Work friends went out drinking without me

[ThatLilacHedgehog]

So at work I thought i made some really good friends, we share a group chat with the 6 of us in and we organise drinks occasionally and talk a lot. However tonight i watched one of their instagram stories and 3 of my supposedly work friends were out drinking together, so they organised this without me and I don’t know how to feel, because we were supposed to be friends and I would have thought they would have organised this in our chat.

am I being unreasonable for feeling left out and sad?

Work friends are never usually your friends, if you left - the friendship will naturally fizzle out. It is what it is. Don't get attached to people at work. Keep your work and private life very separate. Keep boundaries.

We’ve all said on multiple occasions how we feel like friends

3 of the 6?

Maybe those 3 are closer with each other than the wider group of 7?

So they do things as a 3 and then things as a 7 depending?

What about the other two people from this group of 6 on the chat? Maybe this particular three happen to have a bit more in common.

I just feel bad for us who wasn’t invited and also worried they might have known and it’s just me who wasn’t asked out

I could see it being rude of them if you were the only one excluded, but you weren't. I have work friends and we will go out as a larger group, but, within that group, there are smaller groups of people who are closer to each other. And, of course, these smaller groups (some of which I'm in and some of which I'm not), will get together with just that smaller group from time-to-time. There is nothing wrong with this.

Hmm, imo you can never fully trust people at work and think they're your friend. Like, they went out today and didn't ask you.

I don’t know any large group - work or otherwise - who don’t socialise in smaller groups occasionally.

It’s like we tell kids: you can’t always be invited to everything

This, it all seems normal to me i dont go out with the same people all the time I am not back at school

Don’t overthink it. It might have been a spur of the moment thing. I have a wide group of friends, and sometimes we meet in smaller groups. Doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy the company of the others.
I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

It doesn’t sound like you were the only one not invited. Maybe it was a spur of the moment thing because they were working late and you others had gone home.

Think carefully about what you want to achieve here OP. If you make a fuss then you will likely be excluded moving forward if people feel uncomfortable about your reaction. I would ignore it unless it seems to be a pattern and you are the only one who is not invited.

I’m surprised at the people saying you can’t make friends at work. All the closest friends I’ve made over the past 10-15 years have been made through work; where else do you make friends once you’re over 30, really?!

If it’s a group of six and only three went out I wouldn’t overthink it. I don’t think that’s unusual. I’ve got a group of 6-8 friends and we meet up as pairs, threes and fours sometimes for all kinds of reasons.

I have had the best friendship groups made in the workplace - been on holidays together, been to the main part of their weddings , partied very hard too hard with them , and even been flat mates with a couple of them - a lot of my relationships started at work too.

I never stayed in contact after I left each job, I always intended to, but deep down they were friendships of convenience and I lived in big cities away from home and I so needed them.

I honestly wouldn't take it personally OP, it is what it is.

People are allowed to meet up without inviting everyone.

I would feel haunted if I felt I couldn’t have drinks with certain people without inviting everyone.

I dont see anything wrong with making friends with people at work and have done it many times but I dont own people and they dont own me everyone can go places with whoever they want without being needy

Well you're hardly going to say that you don't feel like friends are you?

'Work friends' are just that; people you get on with at work, and might sometimes socialize with outside it. But I'd say it's rare for someone's work friends to also be their main social circle.

I have a group chat with my best and oldest friends, most of us have known each other 20+ years. We often organize big group stuff in the chat, or use it to ask is anyone fancies an impromptu meet etc. But we're all adults with our own lives, schedules and commitments. Some of us are naturally closer to certain members of the group than others, or share hobbies, or interests. Or live closer. People make their own plans privately, it doesn't mean that they're excluding anyone.

There could be a million reasons the three of them went out. They might not have wanted to go out in a big group. They might have had something private to talk about. It might have been completely off the cuff. It might the case that they see the wider group as work friends, but the three of them are closer. That's ok too.

If you're as friendly as you say, just ask! "You guys looked like you had a fun night, I'd have loved to have come!"

I don't think people are saying you 'cant' make friends at work... obviously many great friendships, relationships, marriages etc are made through work.

But I think it's fair to say that a group chat of work friends is more often than not a friendship group based on convenience first and foremost.

Maybe it was different for older generations who stayed in the same job for a good portion of their working life.

It’s ok for a few ok the group to meet up without the others. It would be mean to leave one out but that’s not what happened here.

you also don’t know how it came about, one friend could have met another tio talk about or to do something specific and they could have bumped into the third friend or one of them spoke to third friend that day and invited her along.

or it could be those 3 have a separate friendship from the group.
Have made friendship groups before, one thing I’ve learnt is it’s a good idea to establish a close friendship with at least one of the group as often these groups break away or break down and you can end up with no friends.

I think the fact that this is a "work friends" group chat is a red herring. You all get along, have become friends, and socialise outside of work. Now, you've discovered that the group has splintered and a sort of "inner circle" has been established - one that you are not included in. Of course that's hurtful. It's insensitive of them. But, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. If you call them out for not including everyone, they will get annoyed with you and may push you out even further.

The best thing to do is just ignore. Go to events you get invited to. Arrange some events yourself - either with the whole group or maybe just a couple of the girls you are closest to. Not in a petty way, of course - but it shouldn't be an issue if they are doing this themselves, should it?

If you notice that you continue to be left out of plans, and you don't feel good socialising with the group because the dynamic has shifted, then take a big step back from all of it and just focus on your other friends instead.

Hierarchies in friendship groups can be exhausting, so, if you are noticing an unhealthy pattern emerging - don't ignore it.

One of them asked the other two to go out and not the rest, that just means one of them gets on with the other two more than the rest.

Tbf your feelings are legitimate and I would feel exactly the same.

Just dont be thinking its anything you did or that all 3 feel the same as the one that arranged it.

why will 'work friends' naturally fizzle out? Where do friendships stay the course, in your view?

You have at least as much in common with people you work with as people whom you happen to be born within the same year, so go to the same school or are randomly assigned to the same uni flat, or happen to have kids within a few months of each other, or share 1 hobby...

Only half if the group then? You've not been specifically excluded so look at the dynamics of those 3 individuals and don't take it to heart.

You and the others can go out another time.

I think if only half of them went out it's not as bad. Do those 3 live closer together or are in the same life stage (i.e. all single/without dc?) or similar?

It can be an absolute faff trying to organise something with a larger group.
You send a message 'Hey, anyone fancy going for a few drinks Fri or Sat?'
Person A responds 'Yes! Definitely!' Then goes completely radio silent.
Person B says 'I can do Sat'
Person C says 'I can do Fri' so you're stuck trying to decide who to not offend.
Person D says 'I can come but can we please go to (place you don't want to go/can't afford/is a nightmare to get to).

You end up organising to go to Person D's place on Saturday, only for both person B and D to drop out last minute and Person C to be pissed off.

Have to admit I've created a few 'sub groups' from larger groups in my time - it usually ends up being less the people I like the most but the ones who aren't flakes! Then because we were the ones that kept going to stuff we naturally got closer, and stopped inviting others. I'm sure according to the ones who got left out we were being bitchy and excluding them but believe me we gave them LOTS of chances, ultimately there are only so many times people can be bothered.

Because people at work can be ruthless, they can backstab you for the promotion you want then businesses fold. Redundancy etc. You go to work because you want money, you're not friends with these people because money is involved. Money brings the worst in people.

Study = no element of money involved, you go there to get a certificate and qualification. There is competition though and people will keep their cards close to their chest.

If you live with someone, some people forget to pay rent or cause problems with cleaning etc. So many students complain about lack of cleaning.

Leave a job and see how many people keep in touch with you.

so basically no point in ever making friends with anyone then, as there is always the possibility you might fall out at some point?

So what if you lose touch with people? If you used that rationale there would never be any reason to make friends with anyone? Even if you don't see each other as much once you've left the same workplace (or uni/gym/whatever) doesn't mean the friendship wasn't worthwhile at the time.

I don't get this 'it's only real friendship if it lasts forever' rationale. It's normal to not have the same friends for your entire life - if anything it's probably healthier than only being mates with people you met in reception aged 5.

Most people have several different romantic relationships throughout their life - it doesn't mean that all of the ones before they met their final partner were pointless and they should have just stayed single until they met The One.