Is it rude to be on your phone while someone entertains themself another way?

[SomewhatAnnoyed]

(NC bc as pathetic as this situation is I don’t want family identifying)

Ok, so before I say something I regret in the morning, please tell me if my reaction was OTT and I’m being unreasonable.

We are currently visiting my parents. There’s nearly always a row between my mum and me when we visit, but our relationship is such that it passes and we move on as if nothing happened soon after. It can feel pretty toxic but going NC isn’t an option right now. My DC loves visiting and I want them to be happy. They don’t witness the rows when they do occur and I make an effort to act normally in front of them after it has happened. It’s when my mum and I are alone these usually start, fed by a lot of resentment and other issues from the past. (I’ve tried discussing these but her go-to defence is attack and she won’t take any form of criticism). It doesn’t happen frequently but it depends on her mood when we arrive.

Anyway, she has several narcissistic traits and mostly puts herself front and centre. My dad enables this as he is used to living with constant flare ups and is basically of the anything for a quiet life attitude - I’ve tried to make him see reason, but it’s his marriage and ultimately his business.

One of the things that really pisses me off when we visit tho is the fact she will park herself in a chair and proceed to knit/crochet/ whatever she wants to do to pass the time, but will expect you to sit and entertain her while doing so. Before, I would bring something similar and could chat with her, as I would be doing something too which allowed me not to have to read or concentrate particularly, but with all the luggage etc, that comes with DC, bringing a load of projects and materials isn’t worth it so I will now usually pull out my phone when she starts hers and is concentrating, and look at articles or do some online shopping etc. that I don’t have time to when looking after DC. However, after a few minutes she will make comments that demand my response, as she wants my attention. I’ll answer and try to do both, but find it really difficult to concentrate on either so end up putting my phone down while she crafts away.

Last time we were here she was engrossed in whatever she was doing so me and my dad picked up our phones during the quiet time (DH was out getting some bits with DC). As soon as our phones were out my mum immediately starts to huff, making it clear she finds our behaviour incredibly rude and criticises us for being on our phones and ignoring her. She switches the tv on loud to make her point (so we can’t use our phones either way) as she doesn’t want to sit in silence. She then carries on knitting or whatever, having chosen what we watch on TV, and I say nothing bc it’s not worth it.

Until tonight. This time I thought - you know what, fuck this, shit, and tried to politely explain how this whole thing is unfair - that she gets to do something she finds relaxing but won’t let anyone else choose what they want to do - as she wants to have her bloody cake and eat it (put more diplomatically than that). I tried telling politely I can’t concentrate on talking with her while I’m trying to read articles and she inevitably gets indignant and pissed off. I try to explain again calmly, and her response is “But I can do crocheting AND still talk to you?” 🤯😤🤦🏼‍♀️ …. I mean JFC. How do you argue with that? Talk about missing the bleeding point.

We go round in circles where she accuses me of telling her to stop crocheting, twice. I didn’t, but I did say I’m happy to talk to her and want to, if she will put what she is doing down, as I will put down my phone, to focus on our conversation too. (Meltdown)

There is no talking to her, as I say, she refuses to listen to any criticism, gets angry, then flounces off when she cannot win an argument. It’s probably sensible as it ultimately ends the argument but it feels so bloody childish and allows her to leave without listening to the other side and rationally discussing a disagreement.

I hate myself for allowing her to make me get emotional, but it drives me insane the way she behaves at her age. She is on medication for her MH which I feel so sorry for her for, but ultimately that does not entitle her to be a dick or erases her dickish personality and attitude towards other people.

Am I in the wrong for feeling pissed off and trying to talk to her about this thing (which despite my intention escalated into a short but full-blown argument), or would most of you have just rolled your eyes, grinned and bourne it?

I know it sounds pathetic, and it is, but I stupidly thought I could calmly persuade her to listen to my POV and perhaps see a situation from someone else’s perspective. Obviously wrong

Sorry for the essay. Rant over.

I think that crocheting and phones are completely beside the point in this aggressive, resentful relationship. Wouldn’t it be easier all round if you just kept away from one another?

I can see your mum’s point tbh

She can crochet and still talk. You can’t look at your phone and still talk. Why should she have to put the crochet down for you to talk to her? It doesn’t affect you whether she’s crocheting during the conversation, does it??
If you prefer to be on your phone than talk to her, why can’t she put the TV on?

Sorry, I'm with your mum on this. The point being that she is doing an activity where she can talk and concentrate on two things, and you can't. It is ok if you look at your phone here and there though

On the face of it, your mum is being reasonable for wanting to crochet and chat - although the loud tv was a bit passive aggressive. I think it's got to you because you've got a very strained relationship.

There are lots of things that people do to unwind (eg crocheting, knitting, lego, jigsaws, embroidery) that you can do while also chatting and being engaged with those around you.

Other ways of unwinding like using a phone or reading need you to disengage with those around you.

I'm guessing that if you're visiting your parents, they are looking forward to your company and being on your phone can look like a way of shutting people out. Maybe next time your mum gets on with what she wants to do and you want to get your phone out, say something to signal that you're doing something specific for a limited amount of time and then will be ready to chat.

I'm with your mum on this.

She can crochet and talk at the same time, unless you've got your head buried in your phone.

Also, I don't understand what you mean by I will now usually pull out my phone when she starts hers and is concentrating, and look at articles or do some online shopping etc. that I don’t have time to when looking after DC.

Do you go to bed and get up at exactly the same time as your DC?

Surely you can get a few minutes to whip your phone out and do these things when you're not visiting someone?

Nah that would drive me mad. I don’t blame you for losing your shit. She’s basically holding you hostage. No. I have a similar mother and I have to wrestle my boundaries back to keep my sanity even if it means getting snippy. YANBU.

I've said YABU because if I've gone to see someone I'm probably planning on engaging with them. Which you can't do while on a phone. But you can do while knitting. So I don't get why the knitting is an issue. Not to say one should never get ones phone out, but you choose your time. I have a friend who will get hers out at the dinner table and just scroll through Instagram which I think is really rude. Replying to a quick message/looking up something we are discuss I would view differently. It can be a slightly funny one to judge when staying with people as obviously you do want some reading time when you aren't all communicating.

Could you have chatted with your dad?

I can chat and sew at the same time, it’s different than looking at your phone. But I assume it is much more than about sewing and phones

I think you are in the wrong here OP. Whilst you should be able to do things on your phone occasionally without criticism, being on your phone is much more antisocial than crocheting/knitting which it sounds like she has chosen so she can chat with you. It is rude to browse in your phone at someone else's house imo. If you want to do that, go to the guestroom you are staying in.

Well she’s right, frankly. She can crochet and still talk to you. Sometimes DH and I will sit in the evening, him with an crossword and me with a jigsaw and we can still chat. Being engrossed in a phone (watching things with the sound on presumably, since the TV prevents that) is different.

My Mum was a big knitter... always sat in corner of sofa with her needles clacking away.. all of us siblings and Grandkids still talk about it to this day... what l would give to go visit my Mum for a good chat while l watch her hands going ten to the dozen .. knitting the most amazing garments.. we all have something still made by her.. if only a hat or a jumper.. I've kept some beautiful knitted baby clothes and my daughter is 40.
Be careful what you wish for... you only get one Mother.. you are being a selfish daughter.

Op im with your mum on this.
I knit and chat at the same time always have.
My nan mum and a lot of others i know did it as well.
Id never finish my blankets if i didnt.
My sister dose sewing while shes chatting its normal.
Better than being on your phone.

Another one who thinks you’re being unreasonable.

You can crochet and talk at the same time. It doesn’t prevent or hinder communication. Being on your phone does and is much more antisocial, especially by your own admission that you sit in silence. You can even maintain eye contact when crocheting which you can’t when on your phone.

Given that you have written this about a situation in which you feel you are completely in the right, you still manage to sound utterly unreasonable.

You know that there's a difference between crafting and being on your phone because you used to craft and chat, but now you have chosen not to bring a craft and instead want to either ignore your mum by going on your phone or insist that she doesn't craft just because you aren't.

I tried telling politely I can’t concentrate on talking with her while I’m trying to read articles and she inevitably gets indignant and pissed off. I try to explain again calmly, and her response is “But I can do crocheting AND still talk to you?” 🤯😤🤦🏼‍♀️ …. I mean JFC. How do you argue with that? Talk about missing the bleeding point.

What point do you think she's missing? What you describe is you digging your heels in over a false equivalence and then complaining that your mum won't listen to you. She has listened and she disagrees and you don't care and want to have it your own petty way or carry on arguing.

Your mums right she can crochet and chat. You can’t talk to someone when you are reading. It would be different if you had some sewing yourself. If it’s you guys all doing your hobbies then fine but if it’s time to chat then yes it’s you thats being rude.

Saying that I also got ‘told off’ for this by my mil. We were watching tv at hers she didn’t like what we )me, dh and fil) had chosen so decided we needed to change the channel. She put something on id have no interest in watching so I picked up my phone. But id argue we weren’t chatting and me being on my phone didn’t stop them watching the tv.

I think if you pulled a book, magazine or newspaper out I bet she wouldn't have an issue with those. You are not being rude or doing anything wrong but people have this idea that being on your phone is rude and you must be ever present.

I can relate to the parents being like that, particularly the anything for a quiet life dad who else will lead a life of misery for speaking up.
Maybe placate her by crocheting for a given amount of time, 15 mins plus natter, TV then phone time?
Then again, if you were reading an article in a magazine I expect her reaction will still be the same. She sounds emotionally immature too.
When I visit mine, there is no discussion about evening Tv choice, they carry on the series they are on and get irritated when we go on our phones. We try to go to bed early now.

I voted YANBU as I think it’s quite rude to knit or crochet or whatever in front of guests. Just gives off a vibe of being bored with the conversation, I don’t care if you can technically do both at the same time, surely the crochet is not so urgent and you are not so busy that it must be done while guests are around. Fine if it’s family but then it should be fine for you to be on your phone also.

I’ve spent many companionable hours with people knitting, crocheting, embroidering or whatever. These are activities that lend themselves to social communication. Phones do the opposite. Your mother rightly perceives that you are uninterested in conversation with her. YABU.

You are there to spend time with, interact and engage with your mum.

You are the one choosing not to. You are the one scrolling instead.

She can engage with you while she crochets. You are being rude and refusing to.

Why can’t she crochet while she chats with you?

Team Mum too. I can knit/crochet etc, and talk to people or watch TV at the same time - I would never sit in silence whilst doing such things. On my own, I would put the TV or music on. I am also extremely confused how you are unable to use your phones if it is silent when she puts on the TV; and how the TV being on stops you being able to use your phones. If you are are using your phones with the sound turned up then I am doubling down on Team Mum - it is extremely rude to be using a phone with the volume turned up when there are others in the room.

It’s when my mum and I are alone these usually start, fed by a lot of resentment and other issues from the past. (I’ve tried discussing these but her go-to defence is attack and she won’t take any form of criticism). It doesn’t happen frequently but it depends on her mood when we arrive.
So basically you bring up past grievances (valid or not) when you visit - which you don't seem to undersatnd is an attack on her, but you seem to be astonished that she fights back.

To be honest, you sound very much alike.

"Before, I would bring something similar and could chat with her, as I would be doing something too which allowed me not to have to read or concentrate particularly, but with all the luggage etc, that comes with DC, bringing a load of projects and materials isn’t worth it..."

This speaks volumes to me. It's not worth it to you to bring something that allows you to converse with you mother. You'd rather disengage and scroll on your phone. A craft project doesn't have to take up a lot of space, I don't understand why you can't still bring one. I'm with your mum on this one.

I also echo @DysmalRadius's question... What point is she missing when she says she can crochet and still talk to you? I don't think she's missed the point at all. She understands that you'd rather scroll on your phone than talk to her, she just finds that rude when she is trying to make conversation. Again, she's right.

I think a lot of people need some time alone when visiting relatives. The expectation of nonstop social interaction can get a bit much. I would tell her this and would probably visit someone who wouldn’t allow me time to myself less. Usually I go to bed early and/ or get up late though to give me time unless we are going out. If she wants to watch TV you could take headphones or if TV loud go into another room. The relationship sounds fractious so I would visit less anyway as no one seems to enjoy the visits

if it’s that she’ll pick up knitting and insist you go sit with her and chat for ages rather than doing something else together that’s annoying. And I’m a big fan of companiable silent craft/phone/reading so no chat would be ok with me too.

But yeah phone is different to knitting, and she’s right that she can chat while doing it and you can’t.

I’d either turn something mindless on telly and watch/chat together or find an activity as well to chat over. She wants your attention. Mine is like that too and it is annoying, but I try to remember she won’t be around forever

My grandmother could knit and converse at the same time or interact with television quizzes. Like many things it doesn't require all your mental capacity. Playing on your 'phone is entirely different.