Is it rude to be on your phone while someone entertains themself another way?

[SomewhatAnnoyed]

(NC bc as pathetic as this situation is I don’t want family identifying)

Ok, so before I say something I regret in the morning, please tell me if my reaction was OTT and I’m being unreasonable.

We are currently visiting my parents. There’s nearly always a row between my mum and me when we visit, but our relationship is such that it passes and we move on as if nothing happened soon after. It can feel pretty toxic but going NC isn’t an option right now. My DC loves visiting and I want them to be happy. They don’t witness the rows when they do occur and I make an effort to act normally in front of them after it has happened. It’s when my mum and I are alone these usually start, fed by a lot of resentment and other issues from the past. (I’ve tried discussing these but her go-to defence is attack and she won’t take any form of criticism). It doesn’t happen frequently but it depends on her mood when we arrive.

Anyway, she has several narcissistic traits and mostly puts herself front and centre. My dad enables this as he is used to living with constant flare ups and is basically of the anything for a quiet life attitude - I’ve tried to make him see reason, but it’s his marriage and ultimately his business.

One of the things that really pisses me off when we visit tho is the fact she will park herself in a chair and proceed to knit/crochet/ whatever she wants to do to pass the time, but will expect you to sit and entertain her while doing so. Before, I would bring something similar and could chat with her, as I would be doing something too which allowed me not to have to read or concentrate particularly, but with all the luggage etc, that comes with DC, bringing a load of projects and materials isn’t worth it so I will now usually pull out my phone when she starts hers and is concentrating, and look at articles or do some online shopping etc. that I don’t have time to when looking after DC. However, after a few minutes she will make comments that demand my response, as she wants my attention. I’ll answer and try to do both, but find it really difficult to concentrate on either so end up putting my phone down while she crafts away.

Last time we were here she was engrossed in whatever she was doing so me and my dad picked up our phones during the quiet time (DH was out getting some bits with DC). As soon as our phones were out my mum immediately starts to huff, making it clear she finds our behaviour incredibly rude and criticises us for being on our phones and ignoring her. She switches the tv on loud to make her point (so we can’t use our phones either way) as she doesn’t want to sit in silence. She then carries on knitting or whatever, having chosen what we watch on TV, and I say nothing bc it’s not worth it.

Until tonight. This time I thought - you know what, fuck this, shit, and tried to politely explain how this whole thing is unfair - that she gets to do something she finds relaxing but won’t let anyone else choose what they want to do - as she wants to have her bloody cake and eat it (put more diplomatically than that). I tried telling politely I can’t concentrate on talking with her while I’m trying to read articles and she inevitably gets indignant and pissed off. I try to explain again calmly, and her response is “But I can do crocheting AND still talk to you?” 🤯😤🤦🏼‍♀️ …. I mean JFC. How do you argue with that? Talk about missing the bleeding point.

We go round in circles where she accuses me of telling her to stop crocheting, twice. I didn’t, but I did say I’m happy to talk to her and want to, if she will put what she is doing down, as I will put down my phone, to focus on our conversation too. (Meltdown)

There is no talking to her, as I say, she refuses to listen to any criticism, gets angry, then flounces off when she cannot win an argument. It’s probably sensible as it ultimately ends the argument but it feels so bloody childish and allows her to leave without listening to the other side and rationally discussing a disagreement.

I hate myself for allowing her to make me get emotional, but it drives me insane the way she behaves at her age. She is on medication for her MH which I feel so sorry for her for, but ultimately that does not entitle her to be a dick or erases her dickish personality and attitude towards other people.

Am I in the wrong for feeling pissed off and trying to talk to her about this thing (which despite my intention escalated into a short but full-blown argument), or would most of you have just rolled your eyes, grinned and bourne it?

I know it sounds pathetic, and it is, but I stupidly thought I could calmly persuade her to listen to my POV and perhaps see a situation from someone else’s perspective. Obviously wrong

Sorry for the essay. Rant over.

My Mum is like this. Wants everything her own way, acts like a petulant child when she’s not, the floor is a stage.
Theres no reasoning with these narc types sadly you just have to go with it for an easy life without arguments otherwise you’re going to get “you’ll be guilty when I’m dead” comments.

I can be on my phone and talk. If it was a book you would all be saying something different. It’s snobbery because it’s a phone

This.

I agree with other posters that knitting and crochet are different. After all, whole groups of people get together for 'knit and natter' sessions where the whole point is to do both. A whole group of people sitting there glued to their phones would be a very different vibe!

However, your DM is obviously unreasonable in other ways, and your relationship as it is sounds untenable tbh.

There are a million small things you can bring to do that don't involve a screen. Being engrossed in a phone is also a terrible example to set your children.

So, I crochet and yes, it's easy to pay attention and crochet at the same time or x-stitch or embroidery.

I also use the phone.

Here's the thing: you're both being awkward by doing solo activities in the company of one another if undivided attention is expected from either/both parties.

So, I think you were reasonable to suggest she put her stuff down and you put the phone down BUT, she's your mother and you're in her house so, unreasonable because we have to make concessions for our parents, IMO, out of respect for their age and the relationship.

Not sure this is where I'd draw my battle lines but thought it might help to know someone sees your point of view!

Crochetting and knotting are not compatabale to being on your phone. These are activitues that pretty much happen on automatic mode and you can have a conversation with someone having your100% attention on them at the same time as doing it,whilst if you are on your phone, your brain is engaged with whatever you are doing on your phone.

You are not thinking of the next moveme t or what to do when you sre knitting, it just happens, it is like driving or walking, you can still do it and talk normally to someone.

You may haveissues with your mum and she may have narcissistic traits, I don't know, bit I also think it is rude and the comparison is ridiculous.

I crochet. It doesn’t take much concentration at all other than occasionally having to count stitches so I do it while listing/watching a YouTube (usually a crocheter) or TV. But if I had a person in the room with me I can easily carry on a conversation at the same time. This is not the case with a phone, which requires your full attention.
But there is such a thing as companiable silence where you are together but doing separate things like reading and being on your phone or knitting or whatever. Your mum needs to let that happen too - not every minute of the day needs to be taken up with chat.

Yabu. I can knit without even looking at it or thinking much about it. Crochet, I need to look but I can still hold conversations , watch tv or do anything, really. It’s not comparable to being on your phone.

From the background you have provided, I don't think YABU, at all. Your mother is toxic, narcissistic and controlling. You are trying to make things work for everyone and end up doubting yourself. Don't allow yourself to do that x

it is extremely rude to be using a phone with the volume turned up when there are others in the room.

I totally agree with this. Reading articles and Internet shopping doesn’t require volume so I never do this myself.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies.

Unfortunately I think the majority have sadly missed my point. If there are a couple of ppl sitting in a room and one person gets out a phone to browse (which she has done on numerous occasions while we’ve been visiting) I agree that’s extremely rude.

My point, that I probably made really badly, is that she has purposefully chosen to do an activity she enjoys, to unwind. Yes we are visiting, she is hosting. When I have guests I put their comfort above my own. If they want to watch a film or an episode of a tv series I don’t particularly like or have never watched, I will watch it with them. My mum won’t, because she values herself more than other people.

I won’t go into her negative traits bc it will cloud the issue that I wanted to get advice on.

Basically, why should her choice of activity take precedent over someone else’s? Regardless of being able to happily hold a conversation during it. Thats a coincidence. Her other interests don’t involve not being able to speak while doing them. Mine do. But why should she get to do hers but get angry when I, or anyone else, want to do theirs? I agree with a PP who suggested going to the guestroom - but that would be seen as more rude I think.

We are visiting, I do want to catch up, but we spend a lot of time together throughout the day where we are able to talk.

I’m probably being very unreasonable, which I accept, it just wrankles that she’s happily engaging with an activity she loves, while being productive, and getting to chat while she does it and expects her conversation to be enough for me. And I’m not doing this every night by any means - this was night 3! I have a list of things I need to do - email replies for medical issues for DC, things I need to research and buy, articles I’d like to catch up on etc - but I would put them off to chat with her if she had nothing to do herself - and she’s the one that picks something up the second we sit down, she isn’t responding to me being on my phone, which I wouldn’t do.

As I mentioned before, she uses her own phone to play games, browse, text while I am sitting with her on my own or with DC in the lounge and she could be engaging with me/us/them - but that’s not seen as rude for some reason.

I guess the majority have spoken and I’ll just tell her I’m buggering off to bed 🩷

Cheers everybody!

I think, in the days before phones, it would have been perfectly acceptable for a person who, say, crochets or knits, to do this in company.
The existence of phones has changed things. Your mother grew up before phones. I imagine your behaviour and your reaction to hers mystifies her

Did anyone else read the title and think the 'other form of entertainment ' was going to be something completely different?

or was it just me 😀

You are so determined to find fault with this despite the whole thread telling you that YABU. It sounds like the issues with your mum are complex and this is one thing that is pissing you off, but when visits are shorts and fall outs happen each time, I would say pick your battles.

You’ve posted about her before. You should cut contact.

I wondered too, after all this is Mumsnet where AIBU can feature almost anything.

I’m with your Mum I’m afraid. Not the same at all.

I think it’s fine to look at your phone but not take calls or watch videos in the same room

i do crafts so would do the same as your dm but not be worried if you were doing stuff on phone itms. I would chat to you at same time

I can tell there’s a lot of history here.
But with this issue alone, I’d say you should both be able to chat and relax while crocheting and using phone to browse.

Have you heard of Knit and Natter groups? They are for people to have a chat while enjoying creating. You can not have a chat while looking at your phone can you?

People who knit, crochet do seem to just do this whenever and expect people to just accept it. Meeting around a friend's house, a woman is there knitting whilst the rest of us are chatting, choosing when to join in.

But at the end of the day I don't think this is about the knitting or phones. It is just a reflection of the relationship you and your mother have (and I too have a difficult mother so I get it).

I'm with your mum on this, sorry. I think getting a phone out when you're in a social situation (beyond a very quick review of messages or to check something) is beyond rude. No excuse for it whatsoever.

Crochet is different: she can do it and speak to you at the same time. The phone point about phones is they prevent people from thinking/speaking.

She may be a pain in the arse and there are clearly other things going on in your relationship, but she's right about this.

Can you sit in a dining room / kitchen, away from her - to reinforce that you are 'working' rather than 'playing' in a way that's socially acceptable to interrupt.

Or go out by yourself for a drive (supermarket car park maybe?) for some time alone.

As PP say, it's quite normal for people to do something with their hands (eg crochet) while they chat and there are even groups to encourage this. Some even find it easier to concentrate on the conversation if their hands are occupied.

You say yourself that "I can’t concentrate on talking with her while I’m trying to read articles". So you are doing something that prevents you interacting with her, while she does something that may enhance her ability to interact with you. Very different.

I think your mum has a point.

I agree that giving yourself time away would be better, either stay elsewhere and just visit or visit but say you have stuff to do so will need to be in your room for a bit. There is a middle way between staying in the same house for days on end and not seeing them. You need to put up some boundaries