AIBU to find this a horrendous situation with in-laws?

[Poppy800]

I’m sorry this may be a long one but desperate for some advice .
Remarried 14months ago after 10months of dating the love of my life. Which may seem fast for some but we knew it was the right thing for us. We both have two children each, DH is 52 and I’m 44. We love each other loads and the kids get on very well however this hasn’t come easy but we’ve stuck at it and proud of what we’ve achieved. My family have all been very supportive of the change and welcomed DSC as their own.
my issue is with my SIL , DH younger sister (she’s married with three kids and is 47)
she lives two hours away from us including DHs parents as we all live in within about 30 mins of each other but expects everyone to travel to her for everything . Initially SIL and I I thought would be friends and we got on despite her basically interviewing me when we met up however these things have happened since we’ve been together, she’s hounded DH for personal information on our life, sent him pictures of her new hairstyle, clothes for a wedding etc wanting flattery , we’ve had questions over everything from which house we were going to buy if we werent buying one why not? to general info about what we are doing. She told DH she’d been all the way through my social media posts and laughed it off when he said jokingly seems abit mad why are you stalking to that degree? When he hasn’t responded to her texts. he travels a lot with work and newly married) she’s then continued to send him demanding messages to her texts things such as memes with clocks on trying to get a response and ‘????’ We chose to get married just us and two witnesses however all family were made aware and at the time seemed happy. On our wedding day she knew what time we were getting married and then inundated DH with texts for info when he didn’t respond as he was getting married and didn’t check phone she then started to send ????? Messages on out wedding day. When he did check later on he was then forced to respond. DH told me when we were in the early months of our relationship she hounded him for info and when he didn’t respond as he was with me and doesn’t check phone a lot she wasn’t happy and made bitchy comments like ‘right I’ll leave you to it then ‘They only became close when he got divorced after his wife had affairs, however although they text more he only saw her a few times a year. This is just some of the issues. There’s been issues with money DH has leant her and she didn’t pay back as she said she would so that also caused issues. She then made a very expensive house purchase she didn’t need whisky owing thousands .He found out via in laws . She can’t afford to buy where she lives and her job although decent isn’t on par with DH and she calls him the golden one. I have since found out from DH as kids she used to hurt herself and tell their parents he had done it which he got into trouble for , she admitted years later she’d made it up which PIL were furious about. This behaviour has really unsettled me also. She’s very spoilt by her father who sees no issues with her behaviours , she calls herself a daddy’s girl despite being 47. FIL said she’s over protective of her brother thats all which has infuriated DH.
DH has distanced himself from her and here is the issue. Shes gone to her parents upset so when DH explained what had gone on they said you know what your sister is like we will sort it out. However now this seems to have changed and FIL has demanded DH attends their house without me there and want to sort it out just them four and if he doesn’t then they leave the relationship all together. MIL is being very quiet and she and DH have always been close. I’m fine with being told not to go however DH is refusing to go saying he won’t be bullied and wants to see them but not his sister as she’s done loads of strange things which don’t add up. Because DH has refused I am now being accused of isolating him from his family and basically turning him against his sister . Some of his relatives have not bothered with a recent birthday of ours and they suspect involved themselves in our Facebook posts but haven’t so it now seems they are ganging up. DH tried to talk to his sister some months ago about her behaviour and she got defensive and turned it onto him then said she felt I’d taken her brother off her even though they speak once every week to two weeks and see each other rarely . This situation has affected both mine and DH health and he collapsed with the stress recently. His employer is now involved who have been very supportive. His eldest birthday was recently and she contacted his ex wife ( who SIL hated) and sent gifts to her house for eldest to get when she was at her mothers house. When DH told SIL the affects all this was having she accused him of blowing it out of proportion and pointed the blame to me saying all she’s ever wanted was for him to be happy. He’s told her a million times he’s happy it’s just her who is making him unhappy but she won’t listen. She has to know everything in PIL life and prys into their medical things etc MIL told DH that she probes into their life a lot and also they’ve given her a lot of money which DH isn’t supposed to know about at FIL request. It’s a mess. I’m starting to feel guilty for marrying DH and I love him very much however I can’t take anymore of this. To be accused of isolating him has really affected me as it’s not the case. Has anyone else had anything like this? Can you advise? I now feel that maybe i didn’t include her enough when we first got together but working full time, integrating four kids who all have after school clubs and just enjoying new married life a has taken over. I should probably mention FIL dotes on her kids and not DSC. This is very clear to see there’s favouritism . I feel terrible about the whole thing and it’s making me so unwell. My family are furious and have been very supportive to DH thankfully . DH had a recent birthday which PIL sent a card only and when he text to say thanks they didn’t respond . He said he feels he can’t see his parents unless he agrees to see her please advise am I being unreasonable to think this is horrendous?

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Block SIL's and PILs numbers from your phone and social media. Leave your husband to deal with this batshit family. Support him. Explain to him that he can also block them. Life is too short for this level of unnecessary drama.

You will instantly feel better.

OP its time to stop going over this rubbish. Tell dh your done ,not getting involved and he goes to sort it. Leave inlaws to him and concentrate on your marriage and kids. Do not be involved with sil or inlaws at all. Then all will be ok

Yes I don't see it either, I just see a wall of text rushed out in a stream about how much you dislike his sister; reading it all makes me think you are threatened by her very existence in his life, lack self esteem and are probably breaking him down by the amount you go on about it. I'd be interested to hear what your ex would say about the breakdown of your last relationship. You need to gain some self insight. And if you were that happily 'newly wed' then much of what you describe would be water off a ducks back.

Your DH has to disconnect from his DSis.
This ‘situation’ has to end so mayaswell end SIL constant contact now.
Absolutely block any no that she uses!
We’ve only 1 life, SIL isn’t your responsibility.

OK, quick summary.

OP and DH met about ten minutes ago and decided too get married in the first flush of lust/love/lovebombing/dependency despite there being children involved --or perhaps because children were involved (and he appears to have a good income).

DH and his sister have always squabbled about who was the favourite but had been getting on better since his wife dumped him - until he disappeared and resurfaced with a girlfriend with children. She checked out the new girlfriend's social media and when they married a few days/weeks later, she texted him on the day.

He's basically gone off the radar since and his sister isn't happy about this. She's sent a birthday present for one of the children to their home/via their mother and he doesn't like that.

His sister thinks that the getting married so quickly, maybe buying a house for this new woman and her children, not being in contact, refusing to visit and then freaking out over a birthday present is a sign of a obsessive, controlling, lovebombing type relationship. He has freaked out about this.

His parents have suggested they meet up. He has freaked out again and refuses because he has fixated solely upon the OP.

OP is not happy about this apparent threat to the bubble of obsessive, overwhelming lovebombing relationship she has got herself and her children into.

@Poppy800

They all sound mental - just walk away. If your husband isn't bothered about seeing them, then just follow his lead. Stop engaging in their madness & leave them to it - it doesn't sound like you get anything from the relationships anyway. 🤷‍♀️

What a horrible post. Why should people wait to live their lives incase someone's dickhead family turn out to be arseholes? You're horrible and need a head wobble.

Only read first bit

So sil texts dh lots?

OP anyone commenting harshly here hasn’t read your full post. It’s a bonkers situation and not normal.

Sounds to me like SIL has used your DH and her parents for a lot for money is this right?
Then hasn’t let you get on with newly married life despite being married herself with her own DC? Personally, I wouldn’t dream of sending a photo of my new hair do to my big brother lol!

As others have said you only have one life so live it. You’ve done the right thing saying you have no issues with DH going to family on his own but I do agree with the poster who said he shouldn’t be summoned like an infant when he’s in his 50s so not shocked he’s refusing to go.

You’ve married HIM not his ridiculous sister!

Also, she used to hurt herself as a child then blame your DH then admitted she did it herself ? Wow! I’m not surprised PIL were furious. At least they sided with your DH!
Can I ask OP has she paid your DH back the money she owes him ?

No. A lot more than that.
OP you maybe need to reword this post and post again as it’s so long you’re not getting the right feedback

This. The sister sounds batty. What adult sends messages with just "????" My ds used to do that when he was about15 if he didn't get an immediate response. He was a twat and so is she.
Ignore the people saying you have rushed into it, I would assume at 44 you know what you want in life.

@NeverDropYourMooncup When they married a few days/weeks later, she texted him on the day.
She didn't just text once, she did it over and over again. Clearly he would have been occupied. She's batshit.
Nobodies business how long they'd been together.

Oh it really isn’t “the end”

None of the adults in this scenario come off well. Mainly the OP and her DH for being so selfish and self absorbed in getting married within 10 months of knowing one another when there are 4 innocent kids being dragged in to all this

People with young dependents should wait more than 10 months before marrying someone and blending families.

I dread to think how soon after meeting the Op moved him and his kids in to her kids home

She's the head of the family, the organiser, a strong character, sometimes nosey.
I wouldn't have got involved in the family dynamics, they aren't going to change for you. I wouldn't like to have a bossy SIL.

People are focusing on the marriage but this isn’t a post about getting married too quickly is it? OP has said she’s happy with her husband and marriage and the kids are happy. At their age they should know?

The issue is the SIL?

If an OP doesn’t want comment on a particular details, then shouldn’t include it.

It wasn’t necessary to the situation was it? So OP needn’t have included. But she did. And so absolutely reasonable for posters to pick up on it

There isn't an issue really, the man's sister is his problem (or not) to manage his interactions with her. OP can just not think about her.
Rushing into marrying a brand new boyfriend means they didn't properly know each other or their relatives. The kids best interests are the most important thing, for anyone dating who has a kid.

I pressed YABU not to put paragraphs in as I gave up after the first few lines!

The sil definitely appears to be too enmeshed with her brother but some of your points about her I disagree.
I would be worried about my brother and his children if he married another woman in 10 months who also had children. You never included family at your wedding and he is backing off from his family, including extended family. Maybe they have every right to be concerned you are isolating him?
He needs to go to that family meeting and start acting like a responsible adult, he sounds childish, actually both of you do.
You have 4 children to consider, please start putting them first. Don't make his children lose contact with his family, they have enough change to deal with.

Completely disagree with you. People should wait to live their lives because their decisions have consequences. Two families are affected here. Four kids are now in a blended family because their parents didn't consider them when making their choices. Its not an ideal situation, but it is one that would have become apparent if they had slowed things down a bit and looked to see what might affect their relationship before hurtling into choices unnecessarily quickly.

And if you don't like people looking at it, lock down what you can and come off everything else.