House Valuation in Divorce

Aliceindaftwonderland · 2025-08-09T07:14:21+00:00

I am divorcing ‘D’H. He repeatedly lost his temper and engaged in verbal abuse towards me and DC. Got Social Services involved and he’s better with DC now. He knows they are old enough and will talk if it gets bad. We are living separately but staying at the family home when we are looking after DC. We need to get a valuation for the house. I want to divide up the Estate Agents and each show different ones around. I don’t want to see him in person if at all possible. I’m happy to pick which EAs we show round randomly and insist on all communication being done via email for us both to see. Im happy to have a witness there to oversee me. I’ve told him this. He is insisting we both be physically present to show the EA round. I am noticing that not seeing him is leading to me feeling much more settled. When he sends me nasty messages (blaming, critical, name calling, involving others who he says all agree with him that I’m this/that or the other) I get a physiological response. Seeing him does the same. Having had several weeks now without seeing him all of my digestive symptoms have gone. They briefly return at every nasty message but I can manage it better when it’s just written. I haven’t told him this (just said I’m prioritising my wellbeing) but in the past I have told him he scares me because of his very rapidity escalating rages over small things. He says I should just be ‘adult’ about it. He is accusing me of being up to no good and that it’s controlling and is insisting we are both there. He says the norm is to both be there. If you know people that have divorced or you have, did both of you/them show the agents around? AIBU to keep my boundary and not join him at the house?

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:16

PS, forgot to say thanks in advance for any feedback and I’m a long time poster (Pom bear, Mexican house thief, washing darked on to name a few older threads I’ve been around for) but have obviously name changed.

OP posts:

HappilyUrbanTrimmer · 09/08/2025 08:20

You do not use estate agents to value the house. They are trained to lie and inflate the value as a method to get a customer contract.

Remember when you buy a house, after you have agreed a price one of the things the bank requires is a surveyor valuation? These surveyors, who get a fee to calculate a realistic value and are not going to benefit from lying, those are the people you need in order to get a valuation if one or other of you is going to keep the house for the stability of the children. It is not unusual to pay for more than one independent surveyor and take an average.

Or if the houseis going to be sold to split them money, you wait and get the actual sale price and split that rarger than an expected future theoretical amount.

GRex · 09/08/2025 08:22

I agree, pay for a surveyor, no need for either of you to be there just a neutral third party you both agree on.

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:22

We have been advised to get three EA valuations and take the mean in order to complete the form E. It’s common practice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:23

We have ruled out paying for a valuation at this stage and have agreed to the mean average of three EAs. It’s a common practice, but thanks both.

OP posts:

HappilyUrbanTrimmer · 09/08/2025 08:25

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:22

We have been advised to get three EA valuations and take the mean in order to complete the form E. It’s common practice.

Yes 3 valuations is fine. Just not estate agent valuations. Actual professional surveyor valuations.

You get what you pay for. Estate agebt valuations are free and are therefore worthless and unreliable.

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:26

GRex · 09/08/2025 08:22

I agree, pay for a surveyor, no need for either of you to be there just a neutral third party you both agree on.

He wont agree to a neutral third party. He says I’m creating drama. I suspect he doesn’t want anyone to know that I don’t want to be at the house with him as he is spinning his ‘I’m a good guy’ narrative.

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CakeIsNotAvailable · 09/08/2025 08:26

Sorry but I think he's entitled to either be there with you, or be present for at least one of the valuations instead of you (if you're happy to pop out for an hour). It would be very easy for you to influence the EA's valuation and I've heard stories of this happening from friends' divorces. Can you have another person present as well, if you're nervous about being alone with him - a friend or relative? Though hopefully he's unlikely to be abusive with the EA there?

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:26

HappilyUrbanTrimmer · 09/08/2025 08:25

Yes 3 valuations is fine. Just not estate agent valuations. Actual professional surveyor valuations.

You get what you pay for. Estate agebt valuations are free and are therefore worthless and unreliable.

Show quote history

We are following advice. Three EAs and using the mean average is very common practice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:28

CakeIsNotAvailable · 09/08/2025 08:26

Sorry but I think he's entitled to either be there with you, or be present for at least one of the valuations instead of you (if you're happy to pop out for an hour). It would be very easy for you to influence the EA's valuation and I've heard stories of this happening from friends' divorces. Can you have another person present as well, if you're nervous about being alone with him - a friend or relative? Though hopefully he's unlikely to be abusive with the EA there?

Yes. He would show his EAs round in his own and I would show mine round in my own. We would choose which randomly. All communication would be requested via email and to both of us.

OP posts:

Meadowfinch · 09/08/2025 08:30

There is no need for both of you to be there. That is nonsense. He's trying to be controlling and manipulative.

If he is determined that both parties should be present in some way, can you ask your dad or brother to be there instead of you. A trusted friend?

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:30

CakeIsNotAvailable · 09/08/2025 08:26

Sorry but I think he's entitled to either be there with you, or be present for at least one of the valuations instead of you (if you're happy to pop out for an hour). It would be very easy for you to influence the EA's valuation and I've heard stories of this happening from friends' divorces. Can you have another person present as well, if you're nervous about being alone with him - a friend or relative? Though hopefully he's unlikely to be abusive with the EA there?

He never kicks off in public. I don’t want to set my health gains back by being in his presence. I get a strong fight or flight and it sets me back emotionally each time - I’m getting stronger and stronger the more I’m away from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:32

Meadowfinch · 09/08/2025 08:30

There is no need for both of you to be there. That is nonsense. He's trying to be controlling and manipulative.

If he is determined that both parties should be present in some way, can you ask your dad or brother to be there instead of you. A trusted friend?

I am not scared of what he will do. He is Uber charming and lovely in front of others. It’s more my physiological response. I’m getting so much stronger and more healthy with not seeing him. I don’t want to go backwards.

OP posts:

NestEmptying · 09/08/2025 08:35

I'm a valuation surveyor and agree that a mean of 3 EAs is good enough. They will all be wanting to get your business so you ask them all to provide an asking price and an eventual sale price -Then you take a mean of the lower figures.

When it comes to showing them round, no one way is normal, some do it together, some leave it to one party alone and some couples split it.
So basically, he's talking nonsense about you having to be there - it doesn't matter.

WellIquitelikesprouts · 09/08/2025 08:37

This man is going to be very hard to deal with. It’s good that you are starting divorce proceedings.
if he refuses to continue without being preset for all the EAs, would it help for you to have a friend there for support?
Of course it’s not a reasonable demand of his BTW. He’s trying to intimidate you.

Backinajiffy · 09/08/2025 08:45

HappilyUrbanTrimmer · 09/08/2025 08:20

You do not use estate agents to value the house. They are trained to lie and inflate the value as a method to get a customer contract.

Remember when you buy a house, after you have agreed a price one of the things the bank requires is a surveyor valuation? These surveyors, who get a fee to calculate a realistic value and are not going to benefit from lying, those are the people you need in order to get a valuation if one or other of you is going to keep the house for the stability of the children. It is not unusual to pay for more than one independent surveyor and take an average.

Or if the houseis going to be sold to split them money, you wait and get the actual sale price and split that rarger than an expected future theoretical amount.

Edited

OP please take this advice.
Use a chartered surveyor. They are independent, they perform matrimonial valuations, provide comparable evidence, and owe you both a duty of care.

Three random unqualified estate agents, who you do not intend to remunerate, will lie through their teeth to get your business.

GRex · 09/08/2025 08:47

Given you still live there, assume you are buying him out? A surveyor is about £500, honestly can't see why you would want estate agents when their pricing will be too high, and you'll pay £'0ks more for "saving" the surveyor cost. You can also have him chat via the solicitor so you don't have to think about it all. Is your solicitor not advising you on this stuff?

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:48

NestEmptying · 09/08/2025 08:35

I'm a valuation surveyor and agree that a mean of 3 EAs is good enough. They will all be wanting to get your business so you ask them all to provide an asking price and an eventual sale price -Then you take a mean of the lower figures.

When it comes to showing them round, no one way is normal, some do it together, some leave it to one party alone and some couples split it.
So basically, he's talking nonsense about you having to be there - it doesn't matter.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:51

WellIquitelikesprouts · 09/08/2025 08:37

This man is going to be very hard to deal with. It’s good that you are starting divorce proceedings.
if he refuses to continue without being preset for all the EAs, would it help for you to have a friend there for support?
Of course it’s not a reasonable demand of his BTW. He’s trying to intimidate you.

Thank you. Having a friend there, sadly, won’t stop my fight or flight response. I’m so clear now that some of my health problems have been linked to the dynamics and the constant eggshells I have been walking on. I don’t want to risk a relapse.

OP posts:

Minnie798 · 09/08/2025 08:51

Is the valuation for one of you to buy the other out? Or to sell the house. If to sell, just leave him to deal with the estate agents. If it's for a buy out, take a family member with you.

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:52

Backinajiffy · 09/08/2025 08:45

OP please take this advice.
Use a chartered surveyor. They are independent, they perform matrimonial valuations, provide comparable evidence, and owe you both a duty of care.

Three random unqualified estate agents, who you do not intend to remunerate, will lie through their teeth to get your business.

Show quote history

The house will go on the market I think but if one of us buys the other out then we will.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aliceindaftwonderland · 09/08/2025 08:53

GRex · 09/08/2025 08:47

Given you still live there, assume you are buying him out? A surveyor is about £500, honestly can't see why you would want estate agents when their pricing will be too high, and you'll pay £'0ks more for "saving" the surveyor cost. You can also have him chat via the solicitor so you don't have to think about it all. Is your solicitor not advising you on this stuff?

We both still live there but stay elsewhere when the other is with the kids. I assume it will get sold. We just need a valuation for the form E. Obviously it might not achieve the valuation when sold but we need a ballpark figure to start discussing finances.

OP posts:

GRex · 09/08/2025 08:59

You need to decide if the value matters or not. Let him organise estate agents and you just take the funds at the end if an extra £100k is not relevant because the rest of the financial split is even. If the amount really matters for balancing other finances, then get a surveyor.

Bikergran · 09/08/2025 09:01

What a load of bollocks. I have, through my lifetime, sold 8 different properties, and I have always been the one solely dealing with EAs etc, just husband around to sign forms when necessary. If this is something that's holding events up, agree, but take someone else with you (parent/sibling/friend?) with instructions to stay between you. Hopefully he won't kick off in front of EAs. Alternatively, ask your solicitor to write to him saying it is not necessary for both parties to be there for the valuation. Frankly, if I was in the house, I'd just get them done, don't tell him, and present him with a fait accompli.

Bikergran · 09/08/2025 09:02

Oh, and show your solicitor his nasty emails.