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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling partner I love my ex

43 replies

DeadSouth · 08/08/2025 10:54

Me and my Ex husband share kids, we divorced just over unresolvable differences but he was more hurt than me.

I have a partner of almost a year and he is aware of how my divorce went down and how all happened, My ex has been losing weight since the divorce and I hadn’t noticed until he was collecting the kids one day. When he left I was upset, I hadn’t realised how badly he’d been affected. I called my partner and was discussing plans and he asked why I sounded sad so I explained my exes weight loss and how I just felt bad he was never overweight and he now looks a bit frail, he does see a dr and there’s no medical worries so at least that’s a bonus.

My partner got really agitated and asked why I would even care and I said I may not be in love with him but I’ll always love him as the father of my kids.

Now for reference this happened a couple of months ago but he keeps bringing it up and wanting me to take it back.

I’m not sure I want too as-
1 it would be a lie
2 it feels really manipulative,
3 it’s not relationship love it’s that of a family member and I think it’s healthy for my kids to see us as a team even if in separate houses.

I don’t know what to do I understand it’s not a good thing to say in a relationship but is it this bad?

OP posts:
AnOldCynic · 08/08/2025 10:57

No, it’s not bad. I feel the same. If I have to try and explain it it’s like a fraternal love. Would he question you saying you love your brother?

Hoppinggreen · 08/08/2025 10:57

I have no idea why you think your current partner would be happy to hear that.
You can be concerned about someone without still loving them, especially if their health could affect your DC.

Original poster
DeadSouth · 08/08/2025 11:00

Hoppinggreen · 08/08/2025 10:57

I have no idea why you think your current partner would be happy to hear that.
You can be concerned about someone without still loving them, especially if their health could affect your DC.

I didn’t think he would want to hear it but it just came out while he was pressing on my concern I already knew ex had seen drs and all investigations were clear but I’d never seen the evidence of the weight loss until a random hot day,

It hard exactly as a previous poster referenced like a brother.

OP posts:
Ilovemychocolate · 08/08/2025 11:01

I feel the same way about the father of my child!
And we split up 20 years ago.
Your partner is being a jealous knob IMO.

Icanttakethisanymore · 08/08/2025 11:02

I guess I might not have used those words but it's perfectly reasonable to feel that way. Very weird that he wants to force you to 'take it back' as if what you say out loud has any bearing on how you actually feel. You are co-parenting with this man so I would be very wary about being with someone who couldn't be mature about the nature of that ongoing relationship you have with your kids Dad.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 11:02

Ilovemychocolate · 08/08/2025 11:01

I feel the same way about the father of my child!
And we split up 20 years ago.
Your partner is being a jealous knob IMO.

So you'd like to hear that your partner still loved his ex of 20 years ago?

Swiftie1878 · 08/08/2025 11:03

I assume your partner is not used to dating someone with “baggage”?
He needs to get over himself. Your feelings are normal, and he either accepts your history or ships out.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 08/08/2025 11:04

It doesn't sound like you and your new boyfriend are compatible. Would you not rather enjoy the peace of being free of a man instead of fighting with a guy?

I wouldn't be particularly impressed with my spouse loving their ex.

PollyBell · 08/08/2025 11:06

There have been posters on here who cant handle when men admit to loving theit ex partners and the women are told to break up with them

But yes he sounds just as controlling as the women who can't handle it either, in this case

Ilovemychocolate · 08/08/2025 11:07

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 11:02

So you'd like to hear that your partner still loved his ex of 20 years ago?

Show quote history

As the mother of his children, that he loved her FOR that, and was not in love with her…absolutely no problem!
Love has many different forms you know!

OldLondonDad · 08/08/2025 11:09

Can’t believe anyone thinks the partner is in the wrong for being unhappy about that! It’s potentially relationship ending. It may be complicated when you have a child from another relationship but there are some basic expectations and boundaries in a new relationship that come first. And some things that are just never a good idea to say…

I’m sure it would be considered such the other way around.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 08/08/2025 11:11

I feel the same way about the father of my children. My partner gets it because he's not a jealous child.

WrylyAmused · 08/08/2025 11:19

I find it a red flag that your current partner is so jealous, dogmatic & controlling about it.

I still love (nearly) all my exes, since we didn't end for abusive type reasons, just drifted apart or wanted different things.
And my partner still talks about loving his ex wife and other exes. Since we're neither of us insecure in the relationship, it's not at all a problem.
I think it's a great sign of maturity to still be caring and compassionate about an ex and wanting the best for them.

I would be having a serious talk with my partner and saying he doesn't get to police my relationships and family, that it's a familial type love, not romantic or sexual, but it's real and it's not something I want to change, so he can work on getting to be ok with it, or he can just choose not to mention it, or he can decide that's not ok for him and he can leave. Up to him.

DeedlessIndeed · 08/08/2025 11:24

I think you could have phrased it a bit better.

I think I'd feel a bit iffy if my husband said he loved his ex, even clarifying that he isn't in love with her.

Just one of those things it's not nice to hear, you know? And maybe your partner's reaction is a petty and based in insecurity. But sometimes people are insecure and a bit jealous. It's just about being a bit sensitive to your current partner and their feelings.

Summerlilly · 08/08/2025 11:36

I think it’s also really concerning he got agitated at you for showing concern over your DC’s father’s health.

He definitely sounds like an absolute red flag. Especially because he keeps bringing it up.
It feels like he has zero relationship experience because of course you would still have some sort of love for your ex. You built a life together, had children and experienced a lot of life milestones.

I don’t normally jump to LTB but if he keeps bringing it up, then you need to leave. He sounds like he holds a grudge easily.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/08/2025 11:50

Everything else aside, this sounds like a lot of involvement in things it’s really best to keep a new boyfriend at arms length from. Knowing the ins and outs of your divorce and talking about the love you feel towards your ex with a boyfriend you’d only, when this conversation happened a couple of months ago, been dating for a few months is fairly intense. New boyfriend sounds like a knob with his sulking and pestering you to “take it back”, and I’d end the relationship for that because it gives an indication of how he’s likely to respond to other things he doesn’t like or which you disagree on; but I also wonder if he feels a bit like your rebound and that you aren’t entirely over your ex, which is going to create understandably insecurity.

I care for and massively like pretty much all of my exes, they are genuinely great men and women, and DH is likewise with most of his. But I don’t think I’d have gone into the ins and outs of my relationship breakups and feeling about exes with DH when I’d only known him a few months, and even as somebody who is pretty secure and not prone to jealousy, I can’t pretend I’d have liked to hear DH as a new boyfriend telling me about loving his most recent ex, it would have given me the impression he hadn’t quite moved on.

Original poster
DeadSouth · 08/08/2025 11:57

I didn’t mention it cause it’s not completely relevant but I have autism and do tend to say things exactly as I think them so it kind of slipped out and once it was there I’ve not been able to make it right.

DP does know this and I’ve told him I’m completely platonic with my ex and I more want to make sure he’s there and a great father to the kids but I’m not sure he’s ever going to be okay with me having my ex in my life at all.

OP posts:
SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 08/08/2025 12:02

not sure he’s ever going to be okay with me having my ex in my life at all.

As you share kids with your ex, he has to be in your life to share the parenting, so the boyfriend will need dumped.

He has no business dating a parent if he can't cope with a girlfriend co-parenting.

Steffie2 · 08/08/2025 12:20

I’m not controlling and not with someone controlling. Neither of us would like this. When exes have had serious issues we have felt sorry for them and our stance has been we support the ex as the parent of our children and nothing else. But we view it that you can only be intimate and love one person at a time - we’re comparable on this.
It doesn’t necessarily mean your current partner is abusive or controlling! Simply to him it may be impossible to love 2 people at once that you’ve been romantically involved with. For him he may not be able to reconcile your statement with his own views on love and so revisits the issue to seek reassure.
Talk to him! Explain how for you it is platonic love. However if it is actually some old romantic feelings then honestly I don’t think that is ok and doubt he will either!

Vastimir · 08/08/2025 12:25

Massively unreasonable. You can be concerned for someone’s health (because it’ll affect your children) without telling your partner you love them.

Mycatsrulex2 · 08/08/2025 12:29

I still love my ex h as the father of my children and I would be devastated if he became ill as I'm sure my Dh would be should anything happen to his ex w. Not all divorces are due to one or the other being horrible.

PinkFluffyVulva · 08/08/2025 12:29

I wouldn’t have used the word love . I would have said I still care about him as the father of my kids. I would be upset too if I was In a LTR or marriage and my partner said they still loved their ex .

DiscoBob · 08/08/2025 12:30

How childish does someone have to be to demand a person 'takes back' an honest expression of how they feel about someone or something? It sounds like what a four year old would say?

You've done nothing wrong. If he can't handle it then he is not emotionally mature enough.

purpledaze24 · 08/08/2025 13:03

That’s not unreasonable at all and like you said it’s healthy for your kids to understand. Your partner sounds immature and insecure. Don’t take it back just to make him feel secure

Endofyear · 08/08/2025 13:17

I think it would probably have been better to say you still care about your ex as he's the father of your children, rather than that you still love him. But I don't think it's a good enough reason for your current partner to give you such a hard time over it, especially as you've tried to clarify what you meant. If he's going to have a problem with you having an amicable relationship with your ex as a coparent, maybe he's not the one for you?

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