AIBU for telling partner I love my ex

[DeadSouth]

Me and my Ex husband share kids, we divorced just over unresolvable differences but he was more hurt than me.

I have a partner of almost a year and he is aware of how my divorce went down and how all happened, My ex has been losing weight since the divorce and I hadn’t noticed until he was collecting the kids one day. When he left I was upset, I hadn’t realised how badly he’d been affected. I called my partner and was discussing plans and he asked why I sounded sad so I explained my exes weight loss and how I just felt bad he was never overweight and he now looks a bit frail, he does see a dr and there’s no medical worries so at least that’s a bonus.

My partner got really agitated and asked why I would even care and I said I may not be in love with him but I’ll always love him as the father of my kids.

Now for reference this happened a couple of months ago but he keeps bringing it up and wanting me to take it back.

I’m not sure I want too as-
1 it would be a lie
2 it feels really manipulative,
3 it’s not relationship love it’s that of a family member and I think it’s healthy for my kids to see us as a team even if in separate houses.

I don’t know what to do I understand it’s not a good thing to say in a relationship but is it this bad?

Your partner sounds emotionally immature but maybe you could explain that you are referring to platonic love and there are no romantic feelings.

Why take it back if you won't mean it? How stupid. What a petty little man. Will you take back everything he doesn't like? If you can have been married to someone and have children with them and not have a little bit of feeling for them when they look ill, you're not a good person. This says a lot about him beyond how controlling he has been to you

Why should she have to explain normal human concern to him?

.....at some level. it's inevitable I think. It wouldn't upset me at all.

I'm with you, OP. I've said to my BF in the past that I love ExH like family and always will. He's said the same about the mother of his DC. Neither of us feels threatened by it.

You have framed this to make yourself sound so nice. But it isn't very nice to muck around with your boyfriend's head by saying things like, "I still love my ex." Nor for that matter to claim to care so deeply for the ex who was so unhappy at your marriage dissolution, according to you, but who has to keep dealing with you until the kids turn 16 or whatever.

You're not Scarlett o'Hara. Stick to loving one man at a time, preferably an available one, and stop the game-playing.

You phrased things badly.

I care about my ex and loved him but I would never say that I love him. I think he’d probably say the same about me.

Did he leave the relationship or did you? If he left then that will be adding an extra layer to current partner’s insecurity about what you said.

I am autistic too and “love” (present tense) is for my super close family and friends. I know some people throw it around my casually but my ex ia definitely one level down and “care about” tier

How confident are you that the weight loss is the divorce affecting him rather than the very common weight loss because people want to find a new partner or they are happier so eat better? My ex is always on diets like keto now (my kids told me) and he’s medium build so not overweight or anything.

When I questioned him about it as it looked like a lot of loss he said he’d been having bad bouts of depression and anxiety since the divorce and was under drs management.

If my partner told me he 'loved' his ex I'd be really hurt and would be rethinking my relationship.

'Care about' - fine. But 'love'? Yeah, I'd find that hurtful and quite humiliating.

I think using the word live would annoy most partners. Care for him as he is my kids dad would have been more kind

I’d be devastated if my DH told me he still loved his ex and I would never tell him I love my ex! No wonder your partner is hurt. I wouldn’t be controlling about anything but I’m not sure I’d get over it either. It was a silly thing to say. You could’ve said you still care about him but love is completely different.

I also think it could have been phrased better, that you are concerned about him as the father of your children
I am not a controlling childish person however I wouldn't like it if my partner said this.

I hate my ex and would be very unhappy if i heard my partner say this about his ex! But my ex was an abusive arsehole! I wouldn't say this in front of my kids though.

If you didn't have a fractious divorce of course you could feel kindly and wish the best to your ex.
Marriages fail.
People can still be decent towards each other.
My friend was devastated when her ex husband died. Devastated that he was taken early and that their children lost their kind loving father.
She was with a new partner who was so kind and supportive of both her and her children.

You need to lose the controlling manipulative boyfriend.

Keep him the hell away from your children.

Yeah I'm fond of DSs dad . We actually get on quite well. He also gets on with my current partner, in fact spent Xmas with us last year.

Maybe the e OPs partner doesn't get the e difference erence as bing $" in love" with someone relationship style or living them another way.

I can’t definitely see both sides to the coin, it’s not something that most would like to hear and yet I couldn’t have held it if I tried at the time.

I'm working on thinking before I speak but I’m going to have to chalk this error up as something I can’t take back and see where the stones land.

Yeah no one would have sympathy if a guy said he still loved his ex wife.