How can I stop hating being a parent

[imjustagirl13]

Hello,

I feel awful for admitting this but I hate every single moment of being a parent. I love my children more than anything and I would do anything for them…and I do actually, but if I could run away without guilt I would do it in a heartbeat.
I used to love being a mum. I’m a good one. I had a terrible childhood and I was badly neglected and emotionally and physically abused, so I go above and beyond and make sure my own dc never ever experience what I did or how I felt.

I understand that as a parent your whole life revolves around dc and you don’t get any days off, but I just don’t have anything left to give. My dh is more than hands on and an equal parent in every way and does more than his fair share of the house chores and mental load. That’s not the issue. It’s the relentlessness of it. There is not a minute of any day that I can sit uninterrupted. I am either at work or with dc and doing stuff for them. When I’m sat in the living room they are glued to me and constantly chattering. I know that I need to give them some time where I am fully present, but I am running on empty and I don’t have anything left to give, so I can never get enough energy to do it.

I see friends who have family help and they get nights away or uninterrupted time and they seem much happier. We don’t have anyone willing to have dc and have never had time away in 13 years. We paid for the odd babysitter a couple of times but it’s only for a couple of hours.
Even when dh is with the dc so I can get downtime I am so utterly exhausted and overwhelmed that all I can do is sit frozen and I don’t feel a benefit. I’m always anticipating the short time being over and being back to never getting a single second. Me and dh are no longer a couple, but simply two parents who happen to be married, I can’t remember the last time we had an uninterrupted conversation and by the time the dc are in bed we both crash.
No amount of sleep seems to be able to fix the level of exhaustion I feel.
I just want each day to end so I can sleep and I feel anxious about the next. The guilt I feel when I do sit down to do something for myself makes the time just as exhausting and not worth it. I can’t help feeling this way. I no longer take care of myself and I go days without showers as I simply can’t be bothered as a dc will inevitably shout to me through the door and I know they will be waiting there for me and follow me to my room. Every time I do anything, I have to break off a million times to do something for dc or watch them do something. I haven’t had an adult conversation in years. My dc are actually lovely and quite well behaved.

I have felt this way for so long. I am on antidepressants. I want to enjoy parenthood again but I can’t see a cure to this. I’m just so sick of it. So so sick of having to do stuff for other people day in day out without a single break in years.

I don’t actually agree with the statement that as a parent your whole life revolves around your children. For some parents, and it sounds like you might be one, having your own space and time (if possible) is essential. I don’t feel that centring your existence around your kids is good for you or for them.

This sounds extreme, such as not having had an adult conversation or time away with husband in years. How many children and how old?

Your unhappiness sounds deeper than finding parenthood tough. Could you access therapy for your tough childhood? Anti depressants are only part of the solution x

This sounds extreme, such as not having had an adult conversation or time away with husband in years. How many children and how old?

Your unhappiness sounds deeper than finding parenthood tough. Could you access therapy for your tough childhood? Anti depressants are only part of the solution x

How old are your children? If they are older than about 7/8 it seems very extreme that you never get a single moment alone or are able to have a conversation with anyone.

Mine are all 9+ and it's been a lot easier and less relentless now for a good couple of years

How old are your children?

And what is your set up? Do you work PT, FT, WFH or SAHP? That might help people advise.

First of all, I’m sorry you’re struggling.

Just from reading your OP I feel like gently, you and DH do both have opportunities to have time to yourself - you just choose to not do so or feel like you can’t. What I mean by that, is that once a week you and DH can absolutely have a night to yourself each. Every Wednesday for example you should be able to leave DH with the kids and go do something for yourself, wether that’s seeing friends, doing a hobby. Same to your DH.

Do you and your DH work weekends? If not, Saturday is your lay in slow morning whilst he deals with the kids! Sunday is his slow morning whilst you deal with the kids.

Use your lunch break at work if you have one to go on a walk, read a book or have some peace.

You mentioned friends, do you not have any friends who might look after DC’s for a few hours so you and DH can have a date night?

Once a month you should find a baby sitter and go out with DH even if it’s for a quick meal at a nearby restaurant.

Unless there is a drip feed of you having 6 children under the age of 7 I do think you have opportunities to have you time, you just don’t take it

I think we do need more detail. As a mum of three with a partner who genuinely pulls his weight I have plenty of free time. I’m out with friends or family at least weekly. We both are. Plenty of time to talk once kids are in bed. If we want time together and family aren’t available to help we use a babysitter or book time off when kids are at school to connect. It really shouldn’t be relentless once the youngest kid is beyond the baby stage unless there are severe additional needs you’ve not mentioned.

You need to love yourself again. When you wake up shower every morning, you will be surprised at how being clean will lift your mood!
Start a hobby one night a week - anything netball, running, library club anything.
You need a new routine.
How old are the child. Put boundaries in place mine know if i have a book sat in a certain chair dont disturb me (unless life and death) as its my down time.
You and DP start having date night once a month or every other depending on finances.
Speak to the docs if you need a med check.
Good luck OP being a mum can be a wonderful experience but also hard and draining

Being brutally honest you sound like a martyr!
Go and have a shower or go all out and soak in the bath, if a kid knocks it gets told to go away and ask dad.
Same with the constant clingy chattering, you don't have to listen endlessly. Kids can be told to go and play.
Have a few says off when they are in school/nursery and enjoy the peace.

I understand that as a parent your whole life revolves around dc and you don’t get any days off

@imjustagirl13 I don't agree with this at all! You are still you and not just a parent. You don't have to be with your kids 24/7. Do you not have friends who would babysit for an evening so you can go out with your husband for dinner, and why can't you go out on Amazon evening with your friends?

How old are your kids? You need to put some boundaries in place, there is no reason for them to be attached to you all the time when you are at home, why aren't they off playing with their toys?

If you’re anything like me, the reason they’re so clingy is because you make everything about them and have completely erased yourself in the process and that’s all they know: that you’re there on demand and it’s fine to constantly interrupt you, even during something so simply as a shower.

You need to cut it out and relearn to allocate time for yourself. I went to counselling for a little bit (while I could afford it) and it actually really helped me understand that the root of my unhappiness (broadly) was simply because I didn’t have any time for myself as an independent human and it just got a breaking point where I had nothing left to give.

I would strongly advise counselling and then it will help you work out the rest.

Are you trying waaaaay to hard to make sure you're not like your parents?

I have a tendency to do this and it's no way to live.

You being so exhausted is not good for your children.

Hey OP! I’m a fellow mum with no family support nearby. My kids have never spent a night anywhere else, as nobody will have them (they’re 7 and 4, so too young for sleepovers).
HOWEVER, I do things for myself when DH has them, and vice versa. Admittedly, our marriage is a bit of an ‘existence’ at the moment, as the only way to do things kid free is to do them separately, BUT we know this won’t last forever! We also try to do things like have a takeaway now and again, find something nice to watch on TV etc when the kids are in bed.

First of all, how old are your DC? Do you work full time? If so, could you go part time? From September, both mine will be in school, and I’ll have two days to myself. I can’t WAIT for this. I feel like I’ll be getting my life back a bit!

Also, try and do something nice for yourself. I sometimes get myself a nice coffee, or organise a social outing with friends so I have something to look forward to.

This is very dependent on their age, but if they are old enough to understand, lay down some boundaries about your time. For example, my DDs are not allowed to interrupt my shower time unless it’s an emergency, like someone is hurt or poorly. This morning my older DD wouldn’t leave me alone when I was trying to get ready, so I said to her that her day out would be cut short, as we’d be late due to her constantly interrupting me. I didn’t see her until I was ready after that. 😂

Also, have you seen the GP about how you feel? I know you’re on ADs, but it may be worth a GP appt to review your dose, look at other options of making you feel better etc.

I do agree that help makes such a difference. We have none (my husband is from a different country and my parents live 4 hours away). Our experience is so different to friends with grandparents round the corner who are basically like a second set of parents.

I was nodding along until you said 13 years of parenting though. Mine are 2 and 5 so we are still in the tranches. But I am just now beginning to claw some time to myself. I was hoping this would carry on increasing - I’ll be surprised and totally burnt out if it’s still this relentless when they are 10 and 13. Do you have lots of kids or big age gaps?

How many children and how old? I have two, one primary age and one pre school age and I'm not 'constantly' interacting with them. I'm around a lot because I work part time, and I do chat with them and cuddle with them etc... but I do expect them to entertain themselves for periods of time and that allows me to do stuff around the house or sit down in the kitchen and have a coffee. Also, when dh comes in from work we chat as we cook dinner and the children can join in, but they can't take over or interrupt.

I'm wondering if because of your upbringing you're over correcting and over compensating in terms of your parenting? Children don't need your constant, undivided attention and you can prioritise them, without sacrificing everything you want and enjoy.

You said you’ve never had time away in 13 years, is that right?
it seems extreme to me. My kids have ADHD and life is very intense with them, but this summer me and DH are going off to visit our respective parents for a few days, leaving the other parent to relax/work.

I know my daughter would much prefer me with her and it’s difficult; but I have 3 days that are kid free and it’s a lifeline. Unless yours have significant SEN and you are single parent, not sure why you’ve not built in more breaks?

You're very sweet, trying to avoid your children suffering like you did, but I think you set the bar too high for yourself. Maybe you could benefit from parenting classes, to help you to feel more relaxed about not jumping to attend their every demand

It’s very hard when your ‘village’ is non existent and you get no ‘down time’ as such, and I know it sounds cliche but this slog won’t be forever - your children will slowly start gaining independence and the days will get easier ❤️

I know they will be waiting there for me and follow me to my room.

How old are they? If over 4, don't allow this! My DC are rising 6 & 8 and if i want 20 minutes peace i send them off to play and tell them they are not to bother me as I'm having a minute for myself.

I came to ask the same thing, as my therapist actually said the same to me. If we had shit parents, we can end up overcompensating with effort and trying too hard not to be our parents.

I could’ve written this but my children are 6 and 2, so fairly little. How old are yours?

I too have an equal parent DH, he would take the kids anytime I wanted so I could go away for the night or whatever, but I think after a number of years the exhaustion you feel isn’t something that can be helped by a bath/night off/getting your hair done.

Of course I adore my kids but fucking hell, the mess, the noise, the touching. The youngest treats me as a climbing frame so I am covered in bruises, today my oldest accidentally kicked my foot so my toenail was pushed back and OMG it hurt. Every time I try to eat something they flock round and try to take it off me. If I try to have a phone call they climb me and scream down the phone. If I try to have a conversation they interrupt. I’m constantly heavily questioned on virtually everything I do, to the extent my brain feels like it’s melted. My oldest follows me everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE - to the toilet, in the shower, she won’t be on her own for 2 minutes, if I creep out when she realises I’m gone she screams and cries and runs to wherever I am (is this normal?). My body actually aches all over from relentless lifting, pushing, carrying, holding, bending, crouching, and broken nights sleep. My skin and hair are awful and I constantly look like I’m peering at myself, very jet lagged, in an unflattering brightly lit airport mirror.

I do have nice times with my kids, and my happiest memories are times we have shared, but the effort ratio to get these moments is enormous. Nothing bar a 2 week all inclusive on my own will help, and that ain’t happening, so on we go. But I do sympathise and I know it’s not the same thing as disliking your kids.

Sorry OP just read 13 years. At that age your DC absolutely should NOT be interrupting
you regularly. It’s nice they want to chat to you as teenagers (lovely, in fact!), but incessantly to the point you don’t get a break? Absolutely not. You need to lay down boundaries here. You’re doing an incredible job making sure their childhood isn’t like yours (so sorry to read yours was so horrible 😔), but at this age, they can’t be making you feel like this. Under 5, perhaps, but older children? No way.

You say 13 years so I assume some of the kids are over 7? Any child over 7 without SEN can be told that Mum needs peace and quiet for an hour and to entertain themselves. If they interrupt you they are given housework to do. I find that that always inspires their imagination to play by themselves! Also if they interrupt you talking to your DH you tell them not to interrupt and be completely consistent about not responding to them until you have finished your conversation with your DH.

You and your DH and your marriage matter. Find yourself a hobby outside of the house and commit to it, tag on going for a coffee in a cafe afterwards. Have a weekly home date night with your DH where the kids go to bed early.

I am a child of abusive parents and I can overcompensate for that sometimes but I have learnt that I have to carve out time for myself or I cant be a good parent.