How can I stop hating being a parent

[imjustagirl13]

Hello,

I feel awful for admitting this but I hate every single moment of being a parent. I love my children more than anything and I would do anything for them…and I do actually, but if I could run away without guilt I would do it in a heartbeat.
I used to love being a mum. I’m a good one. I had a terrible childhood and I was badly neglected and emotionally and physically abused, so I go above and beyond and make sure my own dc never ever experience what I did or how I felt.

I understand that as a parent your whole life revolves around dc and you don’t get any days off, but I just don’t have anything left to give. My dh is more than hands on and an equal parent in every way and does more than his fair share of the house chores and mental load. That’s not the issue. It’s the relentlessness of it. There is not a minute of any day that I can sit uninterrupted. I am either at work or with dc and doing stuff for them. When I’m sat in the living room they are glued to me and constantly chattering. I know that I need to give them some time where I am fully present, but I am running on empty and I don’t have anything left to give, so I can never get enough energy to do it.

I see friends who have family help and they get nights away or uninterrupted time and they seem much happier. We don’t have anyone willing to have dc and have never had time away in 13 years. We paid for the odd babysitter a couple of times but it’s only for a couple of hours.
Even when dh is with the dc so I can get downtime I am so utterly exhausted and overwhelmed that all I can do is sit frozen and I don’t feel a benefit. I’m always anticipating the short time being over and being back to never getting a single second. Me and dh are no longer a couple, but simply two parents who happen to be married, I can’t remember the last time we had an uninterrupted conversation and by the time the dc are in bed we both crash.
No amount of sleep seems to be able to fix the level of exhaustion I feel.
I just want each day to end so I can sleep and I feel anxious about the next. The guilt I feel when I do sit down to do something for myself makes the time just as exhausting and not worth it. I can’t help feeling this way. I no longer take care of myself and I go days without showers as I simply can’t be bothered as a dc will inevitably shout to me through the door and I know they will be waiting there for me and follow me to my room. Every time I do anything, I have to break off a million times to do something for dc or watch them do something. I haven’t had an adult conversation in years. My dc are actually lovely and quite well behaved.

I have felt this way for so long. I am on antidepressants. I want to enjoy parenthood again but I can’t see a cure to this. I’m just so sick of it. So so sick of having to do stuff for other people day in day out without a single break in years.

Im also guilty of feeling like my parenting can never be good enough as a result of my own experiences. However, exhausting yourself is not giving your children the best. As they are getting older you need to create space for them to make mistakes and succeed on their own and discover confidence through independence. It’s important hey understand that you are a human woth your own needs and some of those do not involve them. Esther perel does a couple of really good therapy podcasts on how we can parent as a reaction to our own parenting- but still be caught in the same loops and not necessarily see clearly what is good for our children outside of our determined efforts to be different to our parents. Really helped me to se things more clearly.

Use your lunch breaks for me time

take a days annual leave when kids are at school

take turns with dad for time off

book a babysitter

put a Disney film on and go to another room to read a book with a cuppa

The over compensation because of your own childhood feels to be a big part of the problem.

Some parents would say - ' I really need some me time kids so can you pop off and stop chatting in my ear now. I'm reading / watching a program for an hour and need some alone time'.

And this is absolutely fine! I had a messed up dysfunctional upbringing and I overcompensated to the point I have been in hospital again and again with autoimmune diseases. Fuck that.

Boundaries feel needed here - get them out your hair in clubs, send them on a holiday for kids where they stay overnight. I did a horse riding holiday without any parents at age 13 for a week. Just tell them and give them a choice of trips but not going is not an option. I appreciate this costs money yet it is an investment in yourself.

You have got to put you first. It's absolutely miserable if you consistently sacrifice yourself. Your mental and physical health will suffer in the end. Become strong to guilt or any guilt tripping from anyone else, be it kids or husband when you start making changes.

I also don’t think your life should revolve around your children when you’re a parent. It’s a sickness of modern society!! Children used to bring themselves up a lot more alone than today. Now I think that’s also bad - there should be a middle ground.
Find a way to get time uninterrupted and don’t see parenting as a sprint. I get the impression you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a good parent because of your own experiences. Drop the pressure - you are a good parent without trying.

Your children should and are able to entertain themselves sometimes and it’s totally fine for you to say ‘I am busy now- we’ll talk about it later’ and mean it. You are still a good parent if you say that. You do not need to be so utterly present and give them all your attention, all of the time.

best of luck to you xxxxx

@JamesMacGill I had to laugh at this because it is highly relateable. My youngest also constantly grabs at my tits, and my oldest accidentally chinned me this week.

How old are they? I'm sorry but beyond the newborn stage, I don't identify with your post at all. Get a regular babysitter. Mine is only 1 and we go out together every other Saturday night. We also go out individually with friends every other week, at least (until recently we were too sleep deprived to go out more).

DH and I also alternate weekend mornings so that we each get a substantial break. Have you tried this? It's very freeing to know that you have Saturday morning to do as you please, every week.

Hi OP, firstly so sorry to hear you are feeling like this - it sounds awful.

I think it would be really useful if you felt able to come back to the thread and tell us how old your kids are, and also a bit more about your overall set up. (Your work, your DH's work etc).

Most posters will be sympathetic and keen to help (just ignore any twats) and if you tell use that we can maybe offer useful suggestions for ways you can carve out more time for yourself and create more peace.....

Oh I feel this post so much. Every word. People used to have so much more help and community than we do now. I would love that 2 week all inclusive too...

Your eldest luke go.in s weekend away with PGL holidays. Mine went at six and had a good time.
Just because you haven't got family dosent mean you can't have a break.

Just wanted to give you a hug and tbh a weekend off. I used to feel it was pointless to have an hour to myself because it would feel so bad when it ended, a day off because I would want a weekend, a weekend because I would want a week, a week because I would just walk away forever.

But there is one thing I definitely would do, and that is to go to your GP and get your medication reviewed, and ask for a therapy or MH referral. You do sound very depressed.

Other stuff can come after that. I hope you will reconnect with your husband, take a day off work when the children are at school/holiday club and just go to bed for the day. I hope your 13 year old could go to a youth club every week, maybe sports clubs and you could start having some reliable time. Those islands of time really could help, though I think there’s also a risk your depression won’t let you relax at those moments yet - hence the GP.

Thank you all. I’m going to read through the replies later. I do think some of you have hit the nail on the head that I have created this and over compensated due to my own childhood

Hi all

I have managed to read through all your replies. Thank you for taking the time to do that.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way too @JamesMacGillI really feel you described the level of exhaustion well. You get so exhausted you can’t even do anything in the couple of hours downtime and you can’t even think straight enough to carve out that time. It’s being stuck in survival mode.

You are all right my dc are very much old enough to know that they must not interrupt me and such like. I only have two dc, eldest has various Sen and disability needs so that does contribute to her need to be glued to me and never shut up. But she is more than able to learn and understand this is not ok. I have just never been strong enough to put any boundaries in place. I am so scared of them feeling even slight discomfort due to my own childhood that I have spoiled them in every way. Like a pp said I have been at their beck and call their whole lives and everything is about them and their needs and wants. Youngest dc still sleeps in my bed for gods sake, it means I’m kept up with her wriggling around and kicking me all night. It’s crazy, and I have discussed this with dh many times, I’m not blind to it. It’s so hard to stop because when they inevitably get upset when I finally try setting boundaries for my own time, I seem to go back to being a child again and it hurts, so I give in and feel enormous guilt and pressure.

I work almost full time but I can work less hours if I want to a certain extent. I have a very stressful job working with people and I rarely get a break or lunch break. That’s not good enough but it’s sadly a standard in my profession and something which can’t be helped. The burnout rate for my job is extremely high and staff turnover is ridiculous. It does not help that I can’t switch off from work either, that is also completely normal in my profession, so the stress of that never leaves. I still end up answering calls or working on my day off. I have started to apply for other jobs that are related but different so that I can get a better work life balance.

All your replies have really solidified what I already know and so tomorrow I’m going to start with a new routine. I’m so busy being tired that I put stuff off and then it prolongs the process. I’m going to be proactive in spending the morning with dc as I have an activity planned. Then I’m going to use the afternoon to do something like tend to my garden alone. Dc usually follow me out there but I’m going to make it clear that they can’t. I have also seen a club I’m interested in m, so tomorrow I might message the organisers and see if I can go along next week. I think this along with eating better will make a big difference. I do have a shit diet and shit sleep because as a pp said I have erased myself into motherhood.

You sound so burnt out. I understand what you are saying, I relate to the feeling of making everything about them. You need to take care of yourself because you need it, you deserve it and also, it benefits them as well. If you take care of yourself, you will be better at taking care of them. It also models to them how they should look after themselves as they grow. If they are being cared for by someone else (dad or a babysitter or someone trusted) it's okay if they want you, they can wait while you take a shower or exercise or do something for you. They will be okay and you will have better interactions with them when you are around rather than being with them all the time but constantly frazzled or exhausted

Erasing yourself and allowing your children uncontrolled access to you does them no favours long term.

Parenting is about gradually preparing children for adulthood and independence and they need space for that development. Physical and mental.

With SNs in the mix that can go at a different pace to average and take more effort but clear boundaries are even more important.

It's just me and DH (who works long hours) but I have retained my interests. Some like parkrun are shared family interests, but it is still something for me. Since secondary age, despite high functioning SNs, I am able to leave my now 14 & 12 yo for a few hours- I appreciate that not all SNs are equal in impact, but if they do have the capacity to be left, it's fine and healthy for them to get used to their own company and for you to get out solo be it for chores or pleasure, and it's something that's built up gradually over time at a pace that matches their needs.

OP my mum had a horrible upbringing and she behaved similar to you. She kept all of us in her bed, because it was what we wanted as small children. She never said no to us, as it was too difficult for her, never went out, gave everything to us...

She was a good mum, but she was always insanely stressed and unhappy. I used to see friends parents having nights out together and giving less to their kids, being way more chilled, and wish my mum was like that. I didn't care if she left us for an evening to do her own thing, I just wanted her to be happier.

Doing things for yoursel/setting boundaries will also make your kids happier. If you take bed sharing as an example ... studies show kids also get better sleep in their own rooms, as parents also wake their kids in the night from moving around - so setting boundaries around kids being in their own rooms results in better sleep for everyone

So OP, if you do more things to make yourself happier, take breaks/set boundaries etc - it will benefit your kids too.