getting cousins to get along

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My brother and I have one Ds each with a five year gap. I was really please when DB had his kid who is now two and a half. Unfortunately, Ds seems totally disinterested in his little cousin to the point of mostly ignoring him when they come over. Now granted a seven year old might not be that interested in a two year old, but it upsets me and the rest of my family. Has any one else had something similar in their family, what has worked to make them closer?

What a weird thing to get upset about. Five years is a big gap at that age and they will have very little in common. Hopefully as they grow up they will develop some common interests and grow closer. You can't force it though.

They've got nothing in common at their ages atm.

If you try and force your 7 year old to be anything other than kind and polite (and kind doesn't include endless amounts of playing with the toddler!) then you'll set them up to have no relationship when they are older.

Let the relationship develop naturally as they grow and have things in common

You can't make 2 children get closer if they don't want to! A 7 year old is never going to want to play with a 2 year old.

There seem to be a lot of threads on here just lately where the OP is trying to force a relationship with some relative or other because they are family. Two people may be related by blood or marriage but that does not mean that they have to like each other or get along like best pals.

Wow. Your whole family is upset over this??? That is extremely bizarre.

You can't force it.

My dd is super close to one of her cousins who is very similar to her in age and interests etc, but a 5 year gap when one is 7 and one is 2 is huge.

It's a huge age gap at that age ,I have loads of cousins some of them seemed a lot older to me when i was a child and i probably seemed a lot older to the younger ones obvious we are all adults now, and the age gap is irrelevant but a two year old and and a seven year old will have very little in common.

I think you need to reframe your expectations. A 7 year old is not going to want to play with a two year old. I cannot see why it is upsetting you and the extend family. Maybe as they get older they might become a bit closer but they will at different life stages when they are children and teens. They probably will never be best friends.

You and your family are being totally ridiculous to be upset over this. Stop pressuring a 7 year old to try and be friends with a 2 year old! 2 year olds don’t even understand what ‘friends’ are and do their own thing a majority of the time.

The age gap isn’t big but at the ages they currently are it’s huge! They have nothing in common. I doubt the 2 year old is even out of nappies yet and can also not hold a conversation where as the 7 year old is starting junior school (if in uk), so is at completely different stage in development.

We have 2 boys in the family and there is 5 years between them and even now 1 is a teen and one is junior school they have nothing in common. Maybe when they are 18 and 23 they will have a little bit more but I don’t expect it and won’t be upset if it don’t happen.

stop pushing this.

Thank you everyone. Clearly I needed it to be spelt out. My main upset is that my kid appears rude and a bit uncaring not to be playing or being that interested in their little cousin. We are a very close knit family but this makes meeting up awkward.

Yabu to expect more than the 2 year old following the 7 year old around and copying stuff he does. For example a 2.5 year old would probably go down a slide after watching a 7 year old do it but it’s not old enough to really play together. 2.5 year olds are doing well if they play alongside someone and don’t do something antisocial like grab something they like.

You’re being massively harsh on the 7 year old. School has him strictly in a class with kids that are very similar in age and he’d see someone who is 5 as babyish and not someone to play with. Is the 2.5 year old talking clearly and do the boys prefer group or solo activities? If the 7 year old normally does solo stuff like reading then the idea that he might chase each other round a garden is unrealistic.

I have 2 sons with that gap and they’ve gone through periods of playing together but fundamentally it’s a big difference and they both feel it. I’m not saying that they will never be friends (their age gap won’t feel so big when they are adults ) but whether it’s 2 and 7 or 12 and 17, life is very different for them. I hope that the 7 year old isn’t aware how upset you are- the language is overly dramatic and unfair on both boys.

This is the age gap between me and one of my cousins. I was closer to their older sibling growing up and had absolutely nothing in ccommon with my younger cousin. I pretty much ignored them until they were about 18.
Now, as middle-aged adults, I am much closer to the younger cousin than the elder.
I was never really forced to play with my younger cousin and I think that helped.

Your DC needs to know not to be rude but you can't expect to chuck a 7 year old and a 2 year old together at a meet up.

Both families need to be prepared to engage their own kids who have totally different needs.

Well tell your son not to be rude
But aging you can't force him to want to play with a much younger child

If your son is just playing with toys for his age and making up his own games then it’s quite extreme and harsh to call him rude? If he’s obviously pushing past or being mean to the 2 year old then you correct that behaviour but if it’s more they don’t play the same games then I don’t think you’re reasonable to think at these ages they’ll have much in common play wise. Forcing it will likely be much harder work for you and result in lots of push back from your 7 year old I imagine.

I find it weirder this is so upsetting to the adults in your family though, have they never been around children or do they expect to just leave a seven year old in charge of a toddler and babysit?

There is a five year age gap between my DS and his little sister (both adults now). He adored her from the minute she was born and did play with her a lot. He was a very kind and caring boy. BUT even he (and I'd say he was unusually patient and kind with little ones) didn't want to play with her all the time and needed time to play with friends his own age without her.

There's nothing remotely abnormal in the way your DS is behaving, he's simply not interested in a much younger child, why would he be?, they have no points of connection of interest. It may well always be that way because of the age gap, or by the time the cousin is 5/6 your DS may find they can play some things together. They might become good friends as adults. But don't force it, your DS is not obliged to entertain a much younger child, as long as he is not deliberately unkind or rough that is fine.

And tell the rest of your family not to be so ridiculous, you DS is his own person he's not there to entertain his cousin just because adults think he should. If you want to provide opportunities for interaction, then you could put out craft activities, or games for the little one and your DS might want to join in, and they can play alongside each other if not necessarily with each other. But if he'd rather play with his own toys, thats fine and he should be given the space to do so.

You have to think logically, they are at two very different stages in life…they have nothing in common except the fact that they are related. Leave them be..

I agree with everyone- your expectations are out of sync with the reality of their ages right now. They may develop a relationship and equally they may not, Just because they are related does not mean anything other than that they might be thrown together over the years. They will develop their own relationship- and it may not be the one you prefer.

But I am worried that your main concern (using your words) is how your child appears to others- that they 'appear' rude and uncaring. In other words you are concerned mostly about appearances and what will be said or thought by the rest of your family. I'm not entirely sure that is healthy. However- to be totally transparent- I am talking through the lens of a person who grew up with a mother who sought approval from her mother and sisters and who rigidly imposed her expectations on my father, my siblings and I to achieve that. It was quite damaging. The words 'close knit family' make me shudder as just from your post it seems that you see the individuals within the family having to meet a pre-defined role.

I'm not sure I explained what I meant very coherently. Just- don't force it. Remember your child and their cousin are individuals. They may get on, they may not. It will likely wax and wane as they grow up. But just let it be.

My 2 siblings and 2 cousins had I a relationship forced on us. I never liked either of my cousins as kids and the way they have turned out as adults reinforces I was right not to like them. As the youngest I was treated appallingly by them. It was clear they never wanted me around.

There is a 10 year age gap between my daughter and her cousin. They have loved each other since my daughter was born. We never forced the relationship, particularly when she was a toddler and he was a teenager.

Your son will only seem rude if he is being asked to do something and refusing, otherwise, enjoy your guests when they visit and let him do his own thing.

Agreed. Why would it be upsetting?

You need to take the fact that they’re cousins out of the equation and think about why you’d expect your 7yo to want to play with a 2yo.

Is he actually being rude or is he trying to do 7 year old things and the 2 year old is being annoying ? For example if the 7 year old is playing with Lego then 2 year old can’t join or he joins in a way that’s annoying (say picking up pieces then throwing them) If the 2 year old is following 7 year old around out of curiosity but older one wants to go to the loo in peace or something then it’s normal for him to be annoyed.

It’s easy for your brother to have an image of how he thought the boys would be but he’s clearly unrealistic if he thought that 7 year old would teach him stuff or whatever.

You need to accept that few 7 year old boys are interested in playing with much younger DC - and advocate for your DS!! I didn’t expect my DS1 or my DNs to play with DS2 - age gap is 7-9 years older than DS2.

DNiece did - but I did not expect her to, and would not have thought it strange if she hadn’t been interested in him.

If your parents or DB are criticising your DS you need to push back on that firmly.

^^ This

Does he know how to play with a 2 year old when he might not know anything about 2 year olds in the first place?

If a random 7 year old came round to play, how would your Ds react? Would it be like school and he’d try and play with whoever?

Best to set up some situations where they can play alongside each other. For example both boys might want to go under the sprinkler but they are unlikely to play together.

To answer a few question. Ds isnt overly rude but he basically just ignores his cousin. He either reads or talks to the adults when they come over. in terms of expectations, my brother and I have a similar age gap and I was definitely expected to entertain him and his friends when they were little. The adults did their own thing, the kids entertained themselves. There is certainly an assumption in the family that Ds does the same.

Feel sorry for your DS.

Sounds like people are expecting him to be a baby sitter.