Moody husband

[Costal1]

Had a great 5 days away with husband and kids, stayed with family so had no intimacy but been flirty with each other. Bought new underwear for when we got home. Arrived home tonight he was really tired with driving. We were all tired as drove about 12 hours over 5 days so I ordered a take away. Let him chill in bed whilst I bathed and organised the kids. Then had to see to my elderly mother whos needing help getting to bed after a fall. Was away 45 mins. He was angry when I got in asking if I threw away something of his. I said no why would I? He said youve probably done it on purpose.... I saod why are u thinking thr worst of me i wouldnt throw it out on purpose? But he accused me of doing it to annoy him which really hurt me him.saying that.
Earliee on i had laid out the underwear to wear later but presumed he was in a mood with me (I cant initiate sex when hes in a mood but hes now saying he wasnt in a mood) so I lay in bed in just a tshirt & pants not knowing what mood he was in... tried to make conversation a few times but I got 1 word answers so I just left it.. heard him.sigh a few times i felt a bit anxious that he was maybe in a mood with me but he has just told me he wasnt in a mood he was just looking at something on his phone. But I cant initiate sex when I feel anxious and feel like hes angry at me... then our son came through & asked for a drink i asked my husband if there was a bottle of water down his side of the bed? He got up and said ill get our son a drink i hope youre not as much as a let down as your next boyfriend??????
Basically saying im a let down because I didnt put on the underwear to bed and initiated sex. Said no other man will put up with that, ive to go and get another boyfriend hes done with me, hes way down the pecking order (because I had to see to my mum then sorted the kids and came to bed in a tshirt) and im a f***G let down . Also said ive been a passenger princess all weekend letting him do all the driving (we visited his best friend as well as my friend.. his granny his auntys uncles cousins, his mum his daughter his son his brother his nephew) i had requested we stop at a scenic point on our trip & to stop for our kids to strech their legs but hes saying I should have put the underwear on to bed to show my appreciation to him for driving me and our 3 kids about all week... But when I went to bed he was sighing , giving me 1 word answers and saying I was a let down. How do I avoid this situation going forward? As I want to avoid feeling this anxious and upset because ive really upset him and now hes not talking to me said ive to apologise to him, said he's got nothing to apologise for. In future to avoid the upset should I have just put the under wear on to bed to make him happy? And showed him how much i appreciated him for all his driving ? As right now hes upset upstairs saying hes gping to ignore me all week and im upset downstairs my chest is in agony & feel sick i really dont know what to do to get him out this mood? I feel like im in a lose lose situation Ive told him.to grow up & also said if he wanted me to put the underwear on to bring it down, cuddle kiss me say sorry and ill put it on and be his all night but he said hes done with me and no other man will put up with getting treated like this? Im basically a shit person and its me thats upset him and caused this tonight? My head is hurting so much as my intuition is telling me hes being childish & what woman would want to have sex with a man so moody? But hes telling me hes not moody & its me thats caused this so im so confused just wanted people's opinions thanks also this is a regular occurance.. if I mention i want to do something in bed then that night the kids are up till midnight or im exhausted and say no, this is what he does. Goes in a mood calls me a let down etc. We normally only have intimacy once a week due to young kids . Should I go upstairs and apologise to him????

He is horrible! Absolutely horrible! Do you really want to live like that or do you want to leave?

Wow! This is shockingly bad behaviour OP and it's definitely not normal. I couldn't put up with this. You need to tell him it's unacceptable and you won't be treated this way. The absolute cheek of him! Sex in return for him driving his family? Unbelievable. Please stand up to him or he will continue this awful behaviour endlessly. It's no way for you to live x

Im not sure as 90% of the time we get on , hes a hardworking, great dad, we have a great sex life, go away nice holidays, he takes us day trips all the time but its the 10% maybe a few times a month he will get inti this jeckle & Hyde mood- normally if ive promised sex or something silly he gets angry with me about -im not a bad person but the way he speaks to me is horrible like saying im a let down, a lying piece of shit(cos i forgot to tell him something not important) he would call me names when I was pregnant and levee me crying myself to sleep all night. He can easily ignore me for days which he doesnt do any more he just goes moody & says "im not ignoring you" but it normally lasts 3 days and I feel like im walking on egg shells. Every time he gets like this I want to divorce him but he does snap out of it aftee 3 days then we are happy again for weeks.. he normally does appologise and ive said 100 times dont argue with me about sex as that is an intimate nice thing i hate that its now associated wirh feeling sick walking on egg shells, getting called names & put down . Often ill be awake all night crying or thinking of how that coukd have been avoided but hes convinced I won't get anyone better, he says he deserves better than me. I tell him to go and he convinces me to stay with him things will get better and admits hes nasty at times but then a week or few weeks later he does it again . Im scared my kids will grow up thinking about girl should have sex with a man when hes in a bad mood just to please him and keep him happy as I think thats the only way to avoid arguments in this house and that breaks my heart if my daughter thought thats how men should treat women

Your husband is abusive. You have done nothing wrong. He makes you feel guilty to manipulate you.

Not sure which way the yabu/ yanbu vote is but he is comply out of order.

For example, at Christmas time. We stayed with his family for a week, Our kids were in the same room as us and he got really angry that I wouldn't preform a sex act on him infront of the kids on xmas eve.. xmas day he was so moody with me, I was walking on egg shells feeling sick all day. The following day I tried to clear the air with him but he called me names got angry at me i was in tears boxing night all over me letting him down over sex . The last year my mental health had hit rock bottom. Im ashamed to say that when he gets like this I sometimes have a panic attack and want to have sex with him just to make him happy as I know whats what he wanted in the 1st place he ovb says no as im in such a state but my body goes in fight or flight mode when im in a situation I cant get out of as he won't snap out the mood for 3 days. The last few months ive been staying calm and walking away so proud of myself for that but tonight I had a panic attack again and started crying as he was getting louder with shouting

Basically he gets in a mood because he wants to make you feel bad, you start panicking because no matter what you do you’re wrong. Had you put the nice underwear on he would’ve told you he’s not in the mood now because you went to your mum’s, your walking on eggshells round him. He wants your full attention even if you had to lock your kids away in the shed to cater to him because he’s a cunt. It’s about control and you can’t win because he’s making the rules up no matter how many hoops you jump through.

When i say infront of the kids- it was innthe same room, they were asleep but I heard 1 of them waking up and I didnt feel comfortable so said no but this made Christmas unbareable although I put on a smile for the kids and got on with is especially as it was in my MILs house

Spycat this is exactly it but he will never ever admit it because im the bad person, hes done nothing wrong

Ive really tried to lock my feelings away & dont show him tears or panic as he just tuts and says im ridiculous anyway but ive had a feeling for a long time that he wants to see my reaction so he feels in control . For years I would cry myself to sleep and drive to work in tears and he wouldn't show any emotion just ignore me or call me names and say horrible things but im trying so hard not to cry although I feel so sick and upset that the man I love that ive been through so much with can sleep soundly knowing im upset and its all over something that could have been resolved but instead days of my life each month is wasted because of him.

You should never have to feel like you're walking on eggshells round your husband, you deserve so much better

You are walking on eggshells with an emotionally abusive man who will never be pleased no matter what you do. This marriage is unsustainable. It will ruin your mental health. Take steps to get free of him.

I'm sorry, OP, but this is coercive control. It's abusive and it's only going to get worse. You need an exit plan.

Oh, sweetie. My heart is breaking for you. He is never going to change. This is who he is- a mean, controlling bastard. I can see your mental health is deteriorating because of him and it will only get worse with time.
I bet you're right. He does want to see you cry, which means he is sadistic. Run before he gets physical with you. When abusers no longer get full satisfaction from emotional and verbal abuse, that's when the physical assaults start.

Btw, these are not moods, it's the cycle of abuse. They are vicious for awhile, then there's some peace for awhile, then it starts again. It's actually a deliberate strategy to control you. If they were vicious 100% of the time you would leave, so they throw you some crumbs to make you hope the abuse will stop, which convinces you to stay. Over time the vicious periods get longer and the crumbs get fewer until eventually they are constantly mean because they realize you won't leave no matter how bad it gets.

I think you need to get some therapy for yourself to give you tools to manage this situation, your self esteem and to teach your th best way to stick up for yourself

you need to leave this man he is a manipulator and has worn you down you’re 2nd guessing yourself when his behaviour is awful.

Our kids were in the same room as us and he got really angry that I wouldn't preform a sex act on him infront of the kids on xmas eve

I don't care if they were asleep. Seriously he is a completely abusive fucker.

Get some therapy. So you can leave this awful awful man.

IMO he was hoping the kids would wake up and see. It's his way of indirectly sexually abusing them. OP should find out if he has been directly sexually abusing them. I would tend to assume that if he hasn't yet, he will.

OP, this is extremely disturbing! It's a form of sexual abuse to have sex in front of the children. I would be concerned that he has done things to them but I certainly wouldn't stick around to find out. For their sake, please get away. There's a chance he hasn't touched them yet, but considering his behaviour that probably won't last. You don't want them scarred for life. Don't take that risk. Talk to the domestic abuse professionals, they will confirm that based on that incident and how sexually coercive he has been to you, he is a high risk for sexual abuse.
They can do a proper risk assessment which will really open your eyes and make it clear you have no other option but leaving.

He sounds vile.

As this isnt a one off, then I'd be questioning whether I'd want to stay with someone like that. He is abusive and is treating you like shit! I'd never have sex with someone who treated me with so little respect.

Him saying sorry wouldn't be enough. He needs to seek therapy.

Don't fall for the no other man would put up with you,the silent treatment and then dress for sex or have sex in unappropriate situations.
He's an abuser.

He is not a good dad (wanting to have sex in front of his DC), or a good husband (abusing you, making you walk on eggshells, shouting, calling you vile names, expecting sex as “thanks” rather than as a mutually enjoyable activity).

please divorce this man. It will be tough to do, but you’ll feel so much better physically and mentally when you’re away from him.

He's not grumpy @Costal1 he's abusive, he insults you and threatens you until you cry all night, that is not normal or natural in any way. It's evident it's always about sex, he doesn't think you should say no or have the right to change your mind and that's not going to change, he'll punish you all your marriage.
Your DC will learn about relationships from your DHs behaviour, would you want a marriage like yours for your DC?

He's not moody, he's abusive. He sounds vile.

You cannot and should not continue with this relationship. It won't get better no matter what you do because it's not you who is the problem.

Please seek help OP
You ( and your DC) deserve better

This is utterly horrifying. He is utterly abusive and has a frightening lack of boundaries around sex in front of the children, which social services would be very interested to know.

This is very, very serious. You are his victim, as are your children.