Moody husband

[Costal1]

Had a great 5 days away with husband and kids, stayed with family so had no intimacy but been flirty with each other. Bought new underwear for when we got home. Arrived home tonight he was really tired with driving. We were all tired as drove about 12 hours over 5 days so I ordered a take away. Let him chill in bed whilst I bathed and organised the kids. Then had to see to my elderly mother whos needing help getting to bed after a fall. Was away 45 mins. He was angry when I got in asking if I threw away something of his. I said no why would I? He said youve probably done it on purpose.... I saod why are u thinking thr worst of me i wouldnt throw it out on purpose? But he accused me of doing it to annoy him which really hurt me him.saying that.
Earliee on i had laid out the underwear to wear later but presumed he was in a mood with me (I cant initiate sex when hes in a mood but hes now saying he wasnt in a mood) so I lay in bed in just a tshirt & pants not knowing what mood he was in... tried to make conversation a few times but I got 1 word answers so I just left it.. heard him.sigh a few times i felt a bit anxious that he was maybe in a mood with me but he has just told me he wasnt in a mood he was just looking at something on his phone. But I cant initiate sex when I feel anxious and feel like hes angry at me... then our son came through & asked for a drink i asked my husband if there was a bottle of water down his side of the bed? He got up and said ill get our son a drink i hope youre not as much as a let down as your next boyfriend??????
Basically saying im a let down because I didnt put on the underwear to bed and initiated sex. Said no other man will put up with that, ive to go and get another boyfriend hes done with me, hes way down the pecking order (because I had to see to my mum then sorted the kids and came to bed in a tshirt) and im a f***G let down . Also said ive been a passenger princess all weekend letting him do all the driving (we visited his best friend as well as my friend.. his granny his auntys uncles cousins, his mum his daughter his son his brother his nephew) i had requested we stop at a scenic point on our trip & to stop for our kids to strech their legs but hes saying I should have put the underwear on to bed to show my appreciation to him for driving me and our 3 kids about all week... But when I went to bed he was sighing , giving me 1 word answers and saying I was a let down. How do I avoid this situation going forward? As I want to avoid feeling this anxious and upset because ive really upset him and now hes not talking to me said ive to apologise to him, said he's got nothing to apologise for. In future to avoid the upset should I have just put the under wear on to bed to make him happy? And showed him how much i appreciated him for all his driving ? As right now hes upset upstairs saying hes gping to ignore me all week and im upset downstairs my chest is in agony & feel sick i really dont know what to do to get him out this mood? I feel like im in a lose lose situation Ive told him.to grow up & also said if he wanted me to put the underwear on to bring it down, cuddle kiss me say sorry and ill put it on and be his all night but he said hes done with me and no other man will put up with getting treated like this? Im basically a shit person and its me thats upset him and caused this tonight? My head is hurting so much as my intuition is telling me hes being childish & what woman would want to have sex with a man so moody? But hes telling me hes not moody & its me thats caused this so im so confused just wanted people's opinions thanks also this is a regular occurance.. if I mention i want to do something in bed then that night the kids are up till midnight or im exhausted and say no, this is what he does. Goes in a mood calls me a let down etc. We normally only have intimacy once a week due to young kids . Should I go upstairs and apologise to him????

FYI, he gets a real thrill out of seeing you upset. It makes him feel powerful and in control and he fucking loves that.

That’s not love. That is unadulterated abuse.

It is clear from the way your OP is written that you are tying yourself in knots trying to second guess what he is thinking, what he will do next, what you have done wrong (nothing) and what you need to do to appease him. Its called walking on eggshells and it is what all women in abusive relationships do.
Don't settle for living your life this way, you deserve better.

And he is not a great dad, great dads are not vile to their children's mother, great dads model good behaviour and show that you respect and care for the people you are supposed to love.

This. OP this man is dangerous. He's not who you think he is. You won't win because the game is rigged against you. He enjoys abusing you more than he would ever enjoy making you happy.

The nice version of him is part of the push-pull dynamic in abusive relationships.
It keeps you hanging on in the hope that if you're the perfect wife/partner you can draw out the nice version permanently. You can't.

These men don't think like we do. That's why you don't see what they're really doing, it always looks like something else.

He’s an abusive prick

There's a reason he chose to do that on Christmas Eve and spoil Christmas Day. Yes, he chose to pick that fight. That didn't just happen organically. He'll have had that planned from the outset.

Christmas Day was spoiled because you wouldn't perform a sex act in front of your children.

I'm going to say that again OP.

Christmas Day was spoiled because you wouldn't perform a sex act in front of your children.

We ask women on here to take a huge leap of faith based on internet strangers' advice. Every poster here knows what we're looking at. If you can't leave for your own sake, please do it for your children ❤

Right. What he's doing is operant conditioning. He hurts her and then he throws her some crumbs of niceness so that she becomes reliant on the crumbs and lives in hope of getting them if she does this, that or the other thing. Operant conditioning is so effective that it's used as a form of state sponsored torture.

You're essentially addicted to your feel good hormones. They ration that and you keep chasing it. That's why it's so hard to leave an abusive relationship. It's almost like going cold turkey.

It's hard to grasp that people like this really exist.

Your mind interprets things in relation to the way you think, not how they think. That's why it goes unchecked for so long. OP might think he was reckless and stupid to want that on Christmas Eve because the children might wake up. It's not a logical step for most people to think that's possibly what he did want.

Imagine thinking you can hear Santa quietly rustling about, setting out presents. Then you sneak a peek to discover it's actually Mummy giving Daddy a blow job or whatever he wanted.

I'm guessing blow job too. 🤮

Couldn't agree more with all your points.

He’s tired after driving 12hrs over 5 days? The commute in my previous job was more than that! Pathetic.

He deliberately chooses to spoil celebrations or when he knows you are going to be busy so he starts flirting with you, giving you the come on and as soon as you leave to tend to your mum or refuse to give him a blow job because the kids are in the room asleep but starting to stir he makes you feel shit for not performing a sex act when he clicks his fingers! He is using sex as a weapon to abuse you with if you don’t satisfy him when he demands it. He wants the children to witness you sucking his cock! If they got upset he would’ve held your head down to his crotch till he was spent, or he would’ve raged at the children! He may start sexually abusing the kids next and tell you it’s because he felt horny and you wouldn’t satisfy him.
He doesn’t love you or the children, you are his victims that he controls.

OMG! I am SO sorry that he is treating you like this OP, and totally agree with everything that's already been said. He's a nasty, manipulative bastard, who gets off on upsetting you.

THIS IS ABUSE!!

I'll say it again, so that maybe you'll believe it when you read it a second time.

THIS IS ABUSE!!

And you need to get yourself, and your children away from him, as quickly as you possibly can.

Take no notice of him saying you'll never find any other man who will put up with you. I can assure you OP, that there are many GOOD and DECENT men, who would be only to pleased to have a partner who wants to dress up for them and have sex if they're treated nicely.

This man IS NOT one of them!!!

Run while you still can!!

Sorry but this story is not convincing me.

Oh my goodness, he’s horrific. Sulking - abusive. Igniting you - abusive. His behaviour - he’s a sex pest. Shouting at you and name calling - abusive.

He sounds absolutely awful. Can you leave?
Or ring Women’s Aid for advice?

I’m worried about you. he makes your life so stressful, it must be terrible.

Ok so hes a nasty pig for saying those awful things. And ifits a regular thing im not sure id want him. But if hes this angry about driving its probably not about driving

I suspect promising him intimacy and they repeatedly changing your mind (which you are beyond entitled to do) probably makes him feel teased. And then your response tonight (you do deserve an apology) may make him feel like hes only getting intimacy if he begs for it. Inadvertently youre both treating sex like a reward system. He doesnt deserve sex for driving, you should both be wanting to enjoy sex and it to happen as part of the intimate side of your relationship.

Id when he stops huffing talk to him about it and say like you have here. When I say ooh tonight I mean it but if I struggle with the kids, and it gets late and im exhausted and dont feel them same. Then tell him what help you need with them to ensure you can get an evening together to be intimate if you want

Your husband is not just moody ( though I could not put up with a moody man) but an abuser. Get out now.

This is the stone cold truth.

You really haven't clued into the reality that this guy is an abuser and will never be satisfied, no matter what she does? Teased? Are you kidding? He deliberately spoils opportunities for sex so he can bitch about it and hold it against her. Did you not see the post where he demanded she do it in front of the kids, figuring there was no way she would, so he could use that against her, and also hoping she might give in so he could scar the kids for life. Either outcome would have suited him. He's playing sick, horrible games. She is not "teasing" him in any way shape or form.

Talking to an abuser about your feelings only gives him another way to manipulate you and an excuse to scream at you and call you names. So please, no more "talk to him and ask him for help" advice. It's not just useless, it's dangerous to do this with an abuser.

Another thread where a woman is desperate to keep a man at a cost of her mental / physical health and her children safety. Tell about being brainwashed by society to be a good girl..