Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surprise girlfriend

64 replies

denpark · 06/08/2025 22:07

I had a fling with a guy a few months ago. It was a brief friendship that resulted in a one night thing and I haven’t seen him since.

This week I had a call from a woman who told me that she was his girlfriend. She knew the date we’d been together, she knew my name and she was yelling down the phone at me that I was a bitch and that I’d ruined her life.

I had no idea that he had a girlfriend. There were no photos on show around the house. I feel awful but from my perspective, I met a single guy…

What do I do now? I have her number. Do I contact her? Do I leave it? I’m so upset that someone has been hurt when I had zero clue that she existed.

OP posts:
Elizabeth1000 · 07/08/2025 13:46

I'd just message back saying: I had no idea he had a girlfriend - if I had known, I wouldn't have got involved.

hydriotaphia · 07/08/2025 13:47

I think you should send a single message explaining that you had no idea he was in a relationship, would not have done anything with him if you had known, and will not be having anything more to do with him, but that you will not be having a conversation with her due to how she spoke to you, and do not want to be contacted further. Then block her.

hydriotaphia · 07/08/2025 13:48

Sorry that happened by the way, sounds awful.

Zonder · 07/08/2025 13:52

Elizabeth1000 · 07/08/2025 13:46

I'd just message back saying: I had no idea he had a girlfriend - if I had known, I wouldn't have got involved.

This is a perfect response. There's nothing more you can say.

Hayley1256 · 07/08/2025 13:53

I would tell her what you've said here. You didn't know, there was no sign of a GF at his house etc. I would probably message her 1st saying that you know she's upset but you haven't played a knowing part in any of this and you don't want to talk to her if she's just going to yell at you

Whiningatwine · 07/08/2025 13:53

I would message her and say "hi, I just want to say how awfully sorry I am for your hurt. I met x on this date, we had a friendship of a few weeks and then that led on to a ONS. At no point did he ever mention that he had a girlfriend or did I suspect that this was the case. I am also hurt by this, but know it doesn't come close to the betrayal you are feeling. I don't see there is any value in us having a conversation, but wish you all the best"

Send that then block her and don't engage any further.

Silverbirchleaf · 07/08/2025 13:56

If she was planning to move in with him, then it was a long term plan for her which has now gone up in smoke. She obviously feels hurt and betrayed (by him).

i’d send the message by @Whiningatwine . Gives closure for her.

KhakiOrca · 07/08/2025 14:00

Just tell her the truth. Tell her that you've been cheated on before so would never put someone through that.

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/08/2025 14:02

I would talk to her. You don't owe him any loyalty at all.

Ucantfixstupid · 07/08/2025 15:07

I would send her a message - "This is as much a surprise to me as it is a shock to you. He told he he was single and I thought we were having no-strings attached fun. I have no invested feelings in this so I'm sorry for what you're going through and I wish you all the the best with this man."

BySassyGreenPanda · 07/08/2025 16:01

It's easier for her to believe that you knew. It needs to be your fault, so that it isn't his fault. The femme fatale that tempted him. That way she can comfortably ignore the fact he's a lying, cheating pig,

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 16:05

Arlanymor · 06/08/2025 22:42

Her behaviour wasn't fair but I think you owe it yourself as to much as her to tell the truth in whatever way keeps you safe but gets the truth out. Her behaviour was not ok, but people do mad things in the heat of anger.

I would text and say: I had no idea he was with anyone, he certainly didn't tell me. I will tell you anything you need to know that might help but not if you are going to scream at me. Do you want a telephone call?

You've done nothing wrong, but the best way to walk away from this is to be upfront and give her the information she needs. Unless she's a total lunatic, in which case the telephone call works and if she's over the top you can hang up and block.

I agree with this.

Sassybooklover · 07/08/2025 16:27

I'd simply reply back 'I'm sorry you are hurting. However, I was not aware X had a girlfriend, as he didn't tell me and gave me the impression he was single. There was no sign of a female living in his home, and therefore I had no reason to suspect he'd lied to me. If I'd known he had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have ever got involved with him. It was a ONS, and we've not seen or messaged each other since'. There's nothing else to tell her, other than the truth.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/08/2025 16:28

I think I’d just send her a message stating that I thought he was single and would never have gone near him had I known otherwise. Then ask if she needs any more details eg when and where to check if he’s lying to her. I’d be inclined to avoid an actual conversation after the way she behaved before. I get that she’s very upset, but she was out of order. Also, if she was knowingly the other woman to start with , I have little faith in her ability to behave like a decent human being. I think she’ll just be throwing accusations at you.

Coconutter24 · 07/08/2025 16:38

denpark · 07/08/2025 00:28

It was all done safely and I’ve since had STI checks anyway so I know I’m all ok. I’m furious with him and really feel for her but I don’t think I can message her as she was so aggressive. We seem to have mutual friends so I’m going to have to get the message across via a grapevine, I think.

I wouldn’t do it through the grapevine, things will become unclear what your actual message is. Text or message her with everything you want to say that way even if she’s angry she can read and re read what your saying.

TheStateofRoads · 07/08/2025 16:47

denpark · 07/08/2025 13:44

She has contacted me today more calmly, wanting to talk. What do I do? She doesn’t deserve to be with a cheat but I don’t want to be slap bang in the middle of all of this.

Do you want to talk to her?

niadainud · 07/08/2025 16:49

PollyBell · 06/08/2025 22:27

I would block her and move on neither of you have good taste in men so be thankful you are not her it may help to get to know people before sleeping with them first?

Edited

If someone is determined to hide something about themselves, trying to get to know them won't necessarily make any difference in this respect.

sameshizz · 07/08/2025 16:53

denpark · 07/08/2025 13:44

She has contacted me today more calmly, wanting to talk. What do I do? She doesn’t deserve to be with a cheat but I don’t want to be slap bang in the middle of all of this.

Tell her exactly what happened and that you thought he was single . Then I’d block her. Not your circus not your monkeys

KitsyWitsy · 07/08/2025 16:57

I had similar a couple of years ago. Tons of furious messages from the girlfriend of a guy I slept with once and had no intention of repeating it. She was convinced I wanted a relationship with him. He was horrible and I absolutely didn't. I regret the whole thing. She'd apparently been messaging while I was at his house and thought it was some kind of victory over me but I was on my phone most of the time too and was only there to have sex. They weren't actually together but were 'on a break'.

She kept messaging for a while and I didn't block her but I probably should have. Oh god, I'm having awful flashbacks of the whole thing.

Tablesandchairs23 · 07/08/2025 17:06

Block and ignore. You've done nothing wrong

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 17:08

I'd do absolutely nothing. Just act as if these people are so asinine as to be below your level of annoyance.

There is a dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey. Say nothing and block the pair of them everywhere

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 17:09

When this happened to me I actually went to meet the girlfriend as I lived in a very small town at the time and I was a bit concerned that our paths would cross at some point so I would rather preempt a nasty surprise - having already had one nasty surprise!

She was actually very nice and apologised to ME for HIS behaviour - which of course I told her she didn’t have to do. She didn’t want chapter and verse of what happened, she just wanted to know how we had come to know one another (it wasn’t a ONS random thing, I knew him through work) because in the words of Van Morrison, she wanted to get a sense of how long it had been going on. She had been planning on moving in with him so it made a difference to her as to whether it had been a drunken one-off.

But it was clearly a longer term betrayal and that helped her to make up her mind. We ended up having a couple of wines and having a good old rant about him which I think helped her. In fact to this day I think of him as ‘Wonky Willy’ - not kind or mature but he was a wanker and she and I felt he deserved a nickname in the moment…

AxolotlEars · 07/08/2025 17:14

I would message back explaining what happened. I would also say that I wanted no further contact. If she doesn't respect that then you can block

Timeforabitofpeace · 07/08/2025 17:16

Don’t bother. She has decided that it must be your fault, because otherwise she’d have to blame him, and she’s reluctant to do that. Stupid, but there you go.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 07/08/2025 17:19

If it was me id message her saying he never said anything about a girlfriend, you thought he was single and to please tell him from you hes a lying sack of shit and you hope his cock drops off.