Would you be offended by this comment from DM?

[SeeTown]

We have a six year old DS and a six month old DS. It’s been lovely having our youngest and our eldest dotes on him. At the moment we are staying with my parents and my dad was reading DS6 a bedtime story and I was downstairs with DM and baby DS. I was saying to my mum about baby DS “isn’t he so cute!” And just admiring him and she said “he’s a good boy”. I said “he’s so cute though isn’t he?” And she said “I feel he’s in his big brother’s shadow a lot of the time.”

I was thrown by this comment, I was just having a lighthearted moment saying how cute he was and I felt like that comment was a criticism of some kind, it just felt so barbed. Why would someone, a grandparent, say that? What would you take that to mean?

I then had to go and do elder DSs bedtime and I took baby DS with me and came to bed. I couldn’t ask DM about it or she would immediately be angry and defensive. Would just love some objective opinions on how you would take that comment.

it sounds like she thinks you give the baby more attention than your 6 year old?

Could that be true, do you think?

eta; just re-read, I think that's the wrong way round, sorry.

6 year old has more of your attention than the baby?

I thought she meant the other way around. She said the baby is in the six year olds shadow?

yes, you're right, just edited my post @SeeTown

I think all subsequent dc are somewhat in the shadow of the eldest. Maybe she was just saying how much she likes your eldest?

Yes I think that’s what she meant too. I just don’t see how you can compare as the ages are so different. A six month old’s needs are totally different to that of a six year old surely

It sounds like she thinks your 6yo is the favourite.

It's possible you do the, totally normal, parent thing of making sure your 6yo doesn't feel pushed out by the baby, and she perceives it as favouritism.

The fact you can't ask her in case she goes off on one is very telling, and it probably means she makes bitchy remarks that seem normal to you now because she's been doing it so long. I would just ignore it, it doesn't sound like the discussion will be worth the bother.

You interpret the comment as being critical of your parenting, is she critical in other ways? I think it's fairly natural for babies to get less attention than their 6 year old walking talking sibling.

Did she mean "I think you give 6yo more love and attention than the baby/6yo is your favourite" or did she mean "the baby will never be as 'good' as the 6yo/6yo is my favourite"??

at this stage baby is just a feeding, sleeping wee thing.

Your six year old is so much more.

What is her agenda here, do you think @SeeTown?

With DS being an only until he just turned six I was very aware of trying to keep throngs as normal as possible for him when his baby brother came along, and baby brother has slotted in and comes along with all the things the six year old is doing, especially now we are in summer holidays. I would have thought this is totally normal as a baby who can’t crawl or talk isn’t going to get the same kind of activities as a six year old. We all dote on the baby by the way.

I saw the comment as a criticism of my parenting but also a dig at my six year old, maybe I’m reaching there I don’t know. I just don’t know what she expects me to do differently. I felt it was a deliberate attempt to hurt me sadly. Would like to know how others would feel.

@beetr00that was my initial thought. You just can’t compare the two. I’ve felt she’s moody with me a lot and I think she was trying to make me doubt myself and upset me. But I don’t know I could be overthinking it.

Has she said things to upset you before SeeTown?

It sounds to me like she was just in a nasty mood, and maybe looking for a fight? Of course a baby will be in the shadow of the older child in the early stages, if it's still the case when the now baby, is 6 and the other one 12, then that's when you should worry, if someone says something like that. Just ignore it OP.

He's 6 months old, by the time he is 2 with plenty of character and charm, he'll shine brightly.
Your DM is being silly.
I had a 6 year gap too. DD first, DS second, he took over the house.

Your emotions are still all over the place after the birth and will be for some months yet. I think you're tired and reading too much into grandma's remark. Perhaps she felt a bit ikky at your insistance on the new baby being 'cute' - not everyone finds newborns 'cute'.
I really don't think it sounds like a criticism and I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you like this.

On a different view, could she have meant she thinks the 6 year old is cuter but didn’t want to come out and say it? Like, he’s living in his shadow as he’s not as cute?

I wouldn’t have been offended but I’ve become relatively hard skinned with my MIL. (I also have two boys with a similarish age difference).

You're absolutely doing it right @SeeTown

Your baby's needs are being met AND more importantly, imo, your lad is still feeling the love.

I cannot fathom why your Mum would say such a thing, unless she's always been critical of you?

Either pay no heed, it would actually benefit you more though, @SeeTown, in the long run, that you addressed it with her immediately, so that's she is in no doubt that her nonsense will not be tolerated.

Could you do that?

I think she could tell from my behaviour and quick departure that she had gone too far. I just don’t know why she wanted to upset me. I don’t see how making that comment could have any other motivation.

I would have just asked her what she meant by her comment. 🤷🏼‍♀️

When you say you’re staying there, do you mean for a visit or are you living there? Just sometimes having so many extra people in your home,even when it’s your child snd grandchildren, can be very trying, so maybe I’d cut her some slack if you’re not Just visiting for a couple of days.

What's your relationship with her normally like? Does she have form for saying hurtful things like this?

I don’t think she meant this as a dig at your 6 year old in any way, I would say it’s a throw away comment and she didn’t mean much by it , or maybe your older ds is a strong character and the baby is just kind of ‘along for the ride’ and you know what there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s normal. You don’t want older ds to feel sidelined . When I had my 4th the midwife delivered him and we were chatting afterwards and I told her he was number 6 ( as I had 2 stepchildren) . And her words to newborn ds were “ oh you lucky boy” I obviously asked her what she meant and she said ‘ they learn SO much from older siblings and a busy house, the stimulation is great for their development.”
your baby will be constantly learning and soaking in information form his older brother. Each child in a family has its own different experience from its place in that family. Being ds number 2ay mean he gets less attention from his parents / or not, but he will be compensated in other ways. Il bet you will let him climb run and take more risks earlier than number 1 son ! Check out the memes for wild second children .

iI think you’re maybe possibly feeling a bit sensitive and maybe possibly your mum was a bit bold without meaning to hurt your feelings.

@statetrooperstacey

"a bit bold"? does that mean rude? Not sure if that's what you're implying?

I agree with you, totally.

Unless you ask though @SeeTown we can only "interpret" her comment from our own perspective, which to me, personally, was critical?

Also take note of what she said in response to me saying baby DS was cute. She said “he’s a good boy”. In the context of what she followed with, it’s as if she was trying to say “he tolerates a lot”.

I don’t think she would ever speak to my sister like this, it’s only me. We are staying for four nights and I think she finds the children in the house very difficult to be around. She likes peace and quiet and rest and finds us being here hard.