Would you be offended by this comment from DM?

[SeeTown]

We have a six year old DS and a six month old DS. It’s been lovely having our youngest and our eldest dotes on him. At the moment we are staying with my parents and my dad was reading DS6 a bedtime story and I was downstairs with DM and baby DS. I was saying to my mum about baby DS “isn’t he so cute!” And just admiring him and she said “he’s a good boy”. I said “he’s so cute though isn’t he?” And she said “I feel he’s in his big brother’s shadow a lot of the time.”

I was thrown by this comment, I was just having a lighthearted moment saying how cute he was and I felt like that comment was a criticism of some kind, it just felt so barbed. Why would someone, a grandparent, say that? What would you take that to mean?

I then had to go and do elder DSs bedtime and I took baby DS with me and came to bed. I couldn’t ask DM about it or she would immediately be angry and defensive. Would just love some objective opinions on how you would take that comment.

It’s a weird thing to say. It sounds a bit like she’s taking a side. How is she with your 6 year old? Is she the sort who wants more attention from him but he goes to you instead? Is she someone who struggled with multiple children? Or wanted more than one but didn’t have them. I think children can stir up weird things for grandparents.

I definitely felt that with my mum she did a lot of projecting her own stuff as a parent on my dc. Doing things like screaming and crying when one of them was struggling to fall asleep for me. I had to be like, cut it out, go back to reading your bloody book in bed and let me get on with putting my child to sleep. But she used to make a big fuss about everything and how hard it all was. And I had to be like, it’s not, you’re not doing it, and I don’t find it hard, so settle down. But I think she found it hard as a parent and it all came out like that.

@SeeTown

"I don’t think she would ever speak to my sister like this, it’s only me"

So now you are a Mum of two, can you find the courage to advocate for yourself?

You've already done the really hard bit; grown, given birth and raising your children, your Mum should be a piece of cake 😉

Find your warrior within lovely, first few times may be scary but the rewards will last a lifetime.

@mindutopiaShe can be a bit short with my six year old. I can be feeding the baby and if the six year old wants to colour or play I’ll ask her to help him and she will say no she wants to rest etc. I find this upsetting because I see my six year old being rejected by his grandparent over and over again. Usually she will say no if he asks her to play. me and my six year old are very close and have a lot of fun together, I also parent differently to how she patented me. She was very strict, a bit controlling, said no to lots of things although she did love us. She had a bad temper and I was scared of upsetting her. As a result I don’t shout at my children because I know how scared I was as a child. Maybe this is triggering for her.

@beetr00The sad thing is I really want my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents. We don’t live locally so it’s a few visits each year and I try to keep the relationships as strong as I can for their benefit.

I do understand, I do, @SeeTown

You teach people how to treat you, so every time your Mum is out of order and you say nothing, you are complicit.

You said, "I was scared of upsetting her" do you really want that kind of relationship with her, for your own children?

How does your sister deal with her that gets a different result?

If said in a neutral tone, I wouldn't read a criticism into it, personally. That's just the way it is with a baby with older siblings.

I'd say that my toddler granddaughter is in her sister's shadow too a degree, even though the little one is bouncy little thing. The verbal sibling will always, and quite naturally, be the centre of attention, because that's how it is. A baby doesn't bring itself to the attention of adults, while the older one chatters away, involves adults in their play, and often has something to show them.

The older granddaughter gets to come to mine for sleepovers, but her little sister isn't quite ready. Much as I love them both equally, the older one often gets more attention, and sometimes I need to be proactive in remembering to involve the little one. And of course the same applies with their mum (and applied to me when my kids were that age).

So unless there was more to the tone than I got from the OP, I'd assume that she was just observing the natural scheme of things, and feeling mildly sorry for the baby.

Of course there's an upside that the younger one has the older one's entertainment value! I'm pretty sure that my youngest GC wouldn't think she was missing out at all. She adores her sister and watching it being involved in her antics. And when the older one gets to the sullen or stubborn she, the youger one will get the more positive interactions!

She said it to be mean. The normal response is to say back (to the cute comment) 'adorable' or similar.

Keep up the visits but get an air b&

Have your own space

Could you visit but stay somewhere else? My dad was really difficult to share space with, despite being the more active parent I had growing up. He just wants to spend his retirement as he likes, which is his right, but it didn't work well when he stayed with us.

He was fine on trips out, but indoors he was impatient and had zero interest in playing with the DC. So B&B was the best option, we'd go somewhere early (his preference) then drop him back to his B&B for a rest, then come back to us for dinner.

But to your actual AIBU, her response does sound like a dig as it bears no relation on what you'd said, and I'd be hurt too.

I would have asked her "what do you mean by that?" I'm wondering if from your previous responses it sounds like you feel she is critical of your parenting. I think you don't need her approval, because you didn't agree with parts of her parenting either.

She doesn't sound genuinely concerned for your DC but sounds like a person with pent up negativity, a tendency for passive aggressive control - a manipulator.
Try to step back and see the role she takes and how it makes you doubt yourself and others.
If this is normal for her, then it's her normality and she won't want to change. I'd limit my time around her particularly with DC.

My mother would have said something like that as a passive aggressive way of not confirming what I'd said, implying the opposite. "Isn't he cute?" Normal response: "He is." PA response that implies hes' not cute: "He's a good boy." I'm sure you son is adorable but some people just like to bring others down. My mother will say things like how nice all the children are looking then very pointedly avoid saying I look good too. There's no other reason for it other than to be mean.

You could have asked her. If you feel you can't ask her, that's the bigger issue.

But there are reasons she could have said it that are not connected to you - it could be about her personal sibling history for example, or just a worry she has based on nothing.

Whatever the reason, you can just disregard the comment if she's wrong.

There doesn't need to be anything wrong with this, could she be right and can you do something about it? I wish I had enough guts to say this to my sister and how she treats one of her kids tbh. Instead of being defensive, take it for what it is

Im guessing that time spent with DM has been limited in last 6 months so maybe she's not got a wider view of your family dynamic. Does she dote on 6yo and was he the first grandchild, perhaps?

I think we all read too much into other people’s comments to us! Especially when it’s about our kids. But look how much thought and time has been given to this one thing?? What a waste of your time? Let it go! Let her think what she needs to think, who cares? U are doing an amazing job with your kids and u can chose to let the comment slide of your back. U will be happier not being dragged down by someone else’s opinion.

I think maybe this is the issue. I am guessing you are feeding the baby and she feels she is needing to entertain the older child which is tiring and she doesn't want to do all the time. I think she is feeling that this is overshadowing the baby - you both can't sit and enjoy baby cuddles at the same time as someone needs to occupy older child, and maybe because you are worried about the older child becoming jealous if this does happen and ignored it told no to play by himself this is where your mum feels like the baby isn't being given as much attention. Having two can be stressful and I imagine you are currently trying to make the most of an extra pair of hands by asking the grandmother to help more with the older one (as maybe you are breastfeeding so she can't do that). Can you at other times switch it so she is with the baby and you do more with the older boy?
Do you have to stay with your parents when you visit? Or can you in future plan to meet out somewhere?

Some telling me over and over and that their baby is “cute” would annoy me too, sorry OP.

Why are you staying? I assume she says stuff as she gets pleasure from having a go at you. But you were also fishing for compliments, perhaps because she isn’t nice and you want her to be proud of you and the children. But the main question of course is why are you giving it so much headspace? I’d work on that. It’s hit a nerve.

Why are you putting your child in that situation? Come on op, I know it’s really hard when you’ve had a controlling parent but be the advocate for your child that you didn’t have when you are a little girl.

Depends on your relationship with your mum and her character. If she's generally critical, looks for ways to put you down and makes snide comments, then it wasn't nice, but typical of her. If she's generally loving, supportive and kind, I'd say she's a little concerned that DS2 will not recieve the attention DS1 recieves, either because DS1 has a very big personality, or she's noticed a dynamic that means there is more focus on DS1, or she's seen it happen with younger siblings before and is projecting. She's your mum. Ask her. You'll get a better insight than speculating to strangers about whether it was mean, and feeling attacked.

Honestly, your mum doesn't sound very nice. She was strict and controlling when you were a child and is still like that. Her behaviour towards your six year old is concerning as she is constantly rejecting him which he is old enough to realise and be upset. She already seems to favour your younger child and this will become more obvious as he gets older. I would forget about your children having a good relationship with your mum as she doesn't sound capable of it. Reduce contact to protect your kids.

This is OP talking to her mum about her grandchild. If her mum finds it annoying, she's horrible.

Sorry she's being so mean OP. I'm sure she'll regret it once you've gone and try to tell you it never happened if you ever take it up with her again. She could have just agreed with you (even if she doesn't think he's cute 😆) your dc are your pride & joy and their grandmother should feel the same about them, not be a nasty old grump.