Is this a red flag?

[Nomad111]

My husband of 5 years will often say to me 'you just need to focus on keeping me happy and you'll have everything you ever wanted' at the end of a draining discussion/argument. Is this a red flag or a genuine thing a spouse says to their spouse ?

My DH has never said that to me. I'm thinking red flag, but kinda need some more information on your relationship generally.

It's a very odd thing to say. It's like he's saying you should only be interested in his happiness.

My husband does say things like this as a joke and I say similar to him. It's jokey conversation. Not at the end of a row though that means he's telling you if only you'd stop being argumentatibe and do as you're told life would go easier for you.

so yes in this instance yes it's. Red flag in my opinion

There is the saying happy wife happy life. Both spouses/partners should be keeping each other happy, unless there is something quite serious that needs to be addressed.
This is why CBA with relationships.

The marriage/ Relationship is not easy. I'm starting to think he's a covert narcissist but am starting to doubt myself now and keep thinking if I'm over reacting in feeling uneasy and suspicious about our relationship. It's both our second marriage and we both had trauma that we brought into our marriage but I'm starting to question whether or not I'm being gaslit or infact am the problem? I often hear your the only woman ever to get me this angry, or speak to me the way you do etc and lots of comparisons about how I am the difficult one (I do agree to an extent) and how his ex was the one who knew him best.
ie I am often being compared to the ex - how im
not spiritual enough or talk to much and sometimes I bring her up to ask how she would deal with a situation when he says I'm over reacting or am being called argumentative or won't let things go when I feel they are unresolved. He often says I've never been disrespected by a woman before like I do and he's never met a woman like me (in a bad way) and that I've catfished him with all my trauma. Often I do wonder if I'm being irrational even though somewhere deep down I know most women would react like me or have issues with things that have happened in our marriage but if he thinks my reaction is not justified that's the only thing he will focus on and consider. And then those words follow how if I only focused on him I would get what I want. Clearly I'm questioning my sanity hence this post.

Yes it’s a red flag.

Its a very weird thing to say and deeply unsettling.

It's a strange phrase and it feels red flag to me. He's saying don't argue with me and put me first, he expects you to put his happiness before your own feelings, a bit put up and shut up

Well if his ex was so much better why isn't he with her still? Off he fucks.

He is telling you to put up and shut up. This is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship. Whatever his trauma, that's not an excuse to be a dickhead.

she cheated on him after 7 years of being togther, he forgave her but she kicked him out another 7 years later. According to him.

Relationships are meant to be based on trust, respect, common core values, communication & friendship. What you are describing however is a pattern of bullying, disrespect & contempt.

I would if possible try to talk to a counsellor (alone) about how you found yourself in this position, ie how it came to seem almost normal, the ways in which this man has undermined you, & how you can best safely extricate yourself from it.

You are sane. The problem is him. I was once in an abusive relationship. Trust yourself & what your instincts are telling you.

Is he joking? Otherwise it isn’t great, just say ‘What if I said that to you?’

OP, everything in your posts is a red flag. Let's break them down a bit:
1 - Your happiness is dependent on his happiness - "you just need to focus on keeping me happy and you'll have everything you ever wanted"
2 - You're the one to blame if he ever gets angry (i.e. he's not responsible for his own reactions/emotions) - "your the only woman ever to get me this angry, or speak to me the way you do etc and lots of comparisons about how I am the difficult one (I do agree to an extent)"
3 - He compares you to his ex who "knew him best" - why isn't he with her then? My guess is that she got out of there as fast as she could!
4 - He's demanding respect from you and blaming you for your own traumas instead of respecting you as a person and maybe supporting you and helping you work through the trauma you've been through. "He often says I've never been disrespected by a woman before like I do and he's never met a woman like me (in a bad way) and that I've catfished him with all my trauma."
5 - He's gaslighting you and twisting things to shift his own discomfort so you're the bad guy/irrational one - "Often I do wonder if I'm being irrational even though somewhere deep down I know most women would react like me or have issues with things that have happened in our marriage but if he thinks my reaction is not justified that's the only thing he will focus on and consider"

OP, this is straight up abuse and I strongly recommend you get in touch with Women's Aid for further support here!

"According to him" being the key part of this post. I'd get in touch with her maybe for clarification.

Well I did speak to her 3 years into our marriage and she did confirm this as I asked her outright why did she ask him to leave and then why did she cheat? As I wasn't sure how he could push someone so far - I told him we spoke. He went away and spoke to her and came back to me and said I crossed a line and should never have asked why she cheated and I was in the wrong. Despite her dropping some information that she knew would drop him in it about his character. He told me then that he would always believe her version of events over mine any day as I over exaggerate and how when we argue and I tell him what he s
has said/done/made me feel. He would always says considering how you get me so wrong in our relationship and I'm here I can't believe any of your narrations of anything.

LEAVE!

@HappilyDivorced89 is absolutely right, there are many red flags in your posts, not just that one strange comment. Your husband is trying very hard to convince you that you are the problem, and that you are responsible for all his moods and behaviour. He wouldn't be good for any woman, but especially one who has already experienced trauma. You'd be much better off without him.

Of course it's a red flag - it's an insane thing to say and he's a complete cunt.

I'm starting to think he's a covert narcissist

There's nothing 'covert' about it. He's being about as openly narcissistic as it gets.

I just thought he meant I don't give him enough attention and or the fact I don't really take his advice in everything. And that's what he meant as in his advise would be the way I get less drama according to him.

Yes red flag, but next time he says it

just retort "Happy wife, happy life".

He's a numpty.

But surely you can see that what you're describing is insanely egotistical and controlling on his part? He's telling you that you have to devote yourself to making him happy and doing what he tells you at all times, and that if you don't, he'll make your life difficult. You must be able to see how wrong that is??

It’s creepy.

What an odd thing to say. Does he think you're still living in the 1950s?

Have just read your new comments. Yeah, sounds like he's a massive arsehole.

OP have you asked him why he hasn't left if you're apparently so awful and don't measure up to his ex? Do you want him to? He says you need to focus on making him happy but what does he do to make you happy?

Girl…..