Checking child’s phone

[Takingthemic]

My DC always had a phone on the provision I could monitor it, know password at all times etc. I don’t check it often but do spot check every now and then.

Ex husband is now saying he doesn’t support and that I’m totally invading DC privacy. He has told the kids this. Says I need to trust them.

It’s not that I don’t trust them, but at 12, one of them is still a child and I feel I need to protect and educate from potential risks.

YABU - Stop checking
YANBU - Its fair to check your child’s phone

Incidentally, we more parallel parent than co-parent and have a poor relationship.

Your ex husband is an idiot!

They are not entitled to online privacy. You are doing the right thing and school would support you.

Do you have more than one DC? Your post reads as if you have older DC too. You are doing the correct thing either way the 12 year old.

It is the height of irresponsibility not to check your child's phone,

you are an adult, it is your job to keep them safe as far as you can.

Online "privacy" SHOULD be invaded. Children are ignorant about the evil in the world and don't have adult judgement, they rely on your judgement

• not only that but they moderate their own behaviour if they know they will be seen,

and also you give them a face saving "out" in front of their peers - "no, I can't be sent this sort of thing, my mum checks my phone".

Checking my DD's phone led me to the discovery that a school friend was taking over doses and gradually increasing them to try and find the fatal dose. When I called the school with the information she was admitted to hospital. I came across a conversation with another friend in which my DD and another friend had tried to discuss what to do for best, and decided that if they ignored her she would stop. They were too young to make that judgement, and by the time she was in hospital she was in a bad way - thankfully she survived and recovered, and she owes that to the fact I was doing spot checks on the phone

You're doing nothing wrong. If your DC accuse you of not trusting them, explain that's not the case. It's other people you don't trust. You're not concerned that your DC will use the phone to be unkind to others or do other things they shouldn't, you are worried other people will send messages or show them things which will upset them. Also, with my DD 12, there were things we hadn't thought to tell her not to do, like make videos on her phone while walking along, so checking her phone meant we could see she had done dangerous/ wrong things and warn her not to before it became an actual problem. So that idea is about keeping your DC safe, not 'checking up on them' or 'telling them off'.

Your Ex is a fool.

And is willing to risk your child ls well being because he is not prepared to do the hard work end of parenting.

At 12 parents should be overseeing their childs social interactions and this included monitoring their phones.

If you have not done so already you need to explain the my house my rules applies to both homes but that breaking the rules in one home can result in a negitive impact in both homes (in real life that means you will be the mean supervising parent while the Ex is undermining you because he is too lazy to safeguard his child).

I was going to say:

• Give your kids a choice. Checks or no checks.

• No checks, no phone. No money for phone payments from you. Phones go in locked boxes when at your house.

Then i re-read your post and realosed that actually you need a stock answer for your kids and ex that works for everything. Something along the lines of... mum's house, mum's rules.

If they want to move in with him, let them. Don't let fear make you pander.

You are right to check your child's phones and electronics. I was groomed as a 13-14 year old online, and I wasn't a stupid kid - groomers know how to manipulate children into thinking everything that's happening is fine. I wish my parents had been checking.

He had told me he was a teacher and would help me with my coursework. I believed him 100%. We chatted everyday over MSN chat.

Thankfully, nothing awful happened. I did meet up with him in public in my home town (he was in his 30s, and yes I was 13). He gave me a bag of skimpy clothes and asked me to wear them at home and send him pictures. I felt pressured into doing it, but majorly uncomfortable because... I thought he was going to help me with coursework at the library, not give me clothes and try to kiss me at a bus stop (I made excuses to leave the visit when I realised we aren't going to the library...) . Thankfully I had opened up to a friend who agreed to come with me to meet the "teacher" off the bus.. So she had witnessed it all and was right there when I had to escape. With her support, blocked him on everything immediately... Never told parents, I didn't have the type of parents I could talk to (they didn't care) . She was only 13/14 too. The experience also fucked my school friend up, which I feel terrible about, she doesn't let her kids online at all now I've been told by mutual friends (don't speak to her anymore) ... No one knows why, think she's being dramatic... but I think I know why.

It was only years later I realised the weight of it and what had happened , but by then I realised I didn't have any evidence of who he was. Just a first name I remembered "Jasper" which I'm sure now was fake.

Anyway, sorry for ranting. I'll be the first to stick up for the privacy of kids and teens, but yeah please check any social media etc they have, or who their messages are from. If you know the messages are from a friend from school, perhaps you don't have to read them.. But the messages could be from a "Jasper" offering to help with homework.

The dad is being stupid of course you should be checking a child’s phone regularly! Don’t listen to the idiot . Your protecting your child at the end of the day

It’s a condition of having a phone here, that we have free access. Our child is fine with that and understands we will check messages etc.

He is totally wrong. You have to check phones. There is so much risk anything else if negligence.

Tell you’re ex that you’re doing it to protect them not invalid their privacy!
Stick to your guns OP!!

At this age you NEED to be checking their phone. Modern phones are rife with grooming/predators so long as your child has any access to the internet. My daughter was groomed online a few years ago. It absolutely impacts the whole family. More should be done to protect kids.

The amount of predators online is worrying especially on the apps available (you dont always need permission to download), games such as roblox etc. its full of them!

If I didn't check my child's phone, I would have missed the fact that someone had started sexting them and was pressuring them to send photos and videos. My child was 12 at the time.

Your ex is an idiot. The whole internet in all its nasty glory is on your child’s phone, and anyone can message them.
Check check and check again, and use parental safety apps - they aren’t full proof but definitely help to weed out unwanted porn etc popping up and help manage which apps they can download on phone and screen time.

This - and it’s not going to be some stranger, it’s likely to be another child close in age to them.

Please check your child’s phone. Not just for their own safety, but their friends too.

If it wasn’t for another mum checking their child’s phone, my best friend may have lost her amazing, seemingly very happy and content boy to suicide 😔
And my friend WAS frequently checking her boys phone - but he was deleting everything.

She was completely blindsided by it but was able to step in and give him the support that he so needed but didn’t know how to ask for.

I dread to think about the alternative.

Thank you so much for all the replies, I really needed to hear this. He makes me doubt myself.

A bit of history - DD12 has recently decided she no longer wants overnights with him due to his behaviour towards her (swearing at her etc). He is trying to twist things to make me the bad guy, rather than take on board what she is saying.

No child should have any expectation of privacy on their phone. Zero. You pay for it, yo own it, they are young, impressionable and at high risk of abuse, grooming, dick pics, everything.

EVERY PARENT SHOULD TREAT THEIR KIDS PHONE LIKE A POSTCARD THEY READ ANY TIME THEY LIKE

If all you're doing is checking, then you are wasting your time. You won't have a clue what apps are hidden.

If you buy a brand new phone, set it up, Install remote monitoring software, then give your child the phone, you have a chance at seeing what's going on. Assuming they don't just use a burner or a phone given to them by one of their friends.

This nonsense of "checking" phones really has to stop. Unless you are extremly competent in the use of surveillance tech, you're just wasting your time.

How old are the kids who are not 12?

What sort of remote monitoring software?

She has to ask permission before downloading new apps so I don’t think anything hidden.

Older child 15. He doesn’t use his phone much though. I check his internet search history etc but not really messages.

we just had the standard child safety which meant all apps and internet use, etc was recorded on my computer - checking phones physically was specifically for messages, etc

I imagine your ex wants to send your child messages slagging you off and he doesnt want you to see them.