Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to ground DS16 and take his phone over vaping?

32 replies

QuaintQuoter · 05/08/2025 14:50

I found out recently that DS16 has been vaping occasionally. I spoke to his friends because I had a feeling something was going on and they admitted he does it when they’re together. I confronted him and he eventually told me the truth.

I’m honestly enraged that he’s been doing this and hiding it from me.

He’s not allowed to see his friends for a while and I’ve taken his phone. How else should I punish him and make sure this actually stops? Have I gone too far?

OP posts:

Dartmoorcheffy · 05/08/2025 14:53

Hes 16, not 12. You cant control everything he does anymore and if you want to end up with no relationship with him you are going the right way about it.

He wasn't doing coke or joyriding. He's a teen doing what the vast majority 9f teena do.

Original poster

QuaintQuoter · 05/08/2025 14:54

Dartmoorcheffy · 05/08/2025 14:53

Hes 16, not 12. You cant control everything he does anymore and if you want to end up with no relationship with him you are going the right way about it.

He wasn't doing coke or joyriding. He's a teen doing what the vast majority 9f teena do.

The vast vast majority of teens do not vape. He's 16 not 18 and so I'm still responsible for his health.

OP posts:

Dartmoorcheffy · 05/08/2025 14:56

You carry on then. But it won't end well.

Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 14:58

. I spoke to his friends because I had a feeling something was going on and they admitted he does it when they’re together

You contacted his friends unbeknownst to him? How?

Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 14:59

You have handled this badly from start to now Op

there is little point is advising because the fact you’ve leapt to this kind of knee jerk reaction would indicate that there is no hope for you changing

bellamorgan · 05/08/2025 15:00

The punishment is worse than the crime. He used a vape here and there with his friends at 16 and you want to take his phone and stop him seeing his mates.

One, you went to his friends ouch that’s a punishment alone.

Two, there isn’t anything you can personally do to make him not vape anymore than you could make him not smoke or drink. If his going to do it he will. So best chance is an open honest conversation about health risks.

Original poster

QuaintQuoter · 05/08/2025 15:21

Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 14:59

You have handled this badly from start to now Op

there is little point is advising because the fact you’ve leapt to this kind of knee jerk reaction would indicate that there is no hope for you changing

How should I have reacted then. I have to place firm boundaries and make it clear that this is unacceptable.

OP posts:

Zanzara · 05/08/2025 15:24

I wouldn't be happy and we'd be having a serious discussion about it, but "I'm honestly enraged", OP? Really?

In two years he'll probably be off to Uni, able to do whatever he pleases. As a parent who's raised children all the way to adulthood, I'd advise keeping your powder dry for when you need it. If you go immediately to high doh when he's vaping, where have you got to go if he dabbles with drugs, or engages in seriously dangerous behaviour? Save your strongest reactions for these occasions, because otherwise when you get there, he just won't listen.

These are the years where he is separating from you before he launches out into the world, and in my experience they can be some of the toughest of all. If you can keep a calm head and provide a steady hand on the tiller it will really help.

Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 15:24

I’m still curious how you contacted his friend
and they just said …. Yeah he does it with us? Or on his own.

as for how to handle… talk to him first. Talk about the consequences IF he carries on. You HAVE to give him a chance. How is he funding it?

Ponderingwindow · 05/08/2025 15:25

I would cut off his access to money as well.

A 16 yo vaping should be taken seriously.

LittleBoost · 05/08/2025 15:28

I think he's been punished enough with his mum contacting his friends to ask about his vaping habits.

Jesus Christ.
How embarrassing.

I'd have been planning to emigrate to the moon if my mum did that to me at 16.

Minnie798 · 05/08/2025 15:28

You shouldn't punish him, you should be guiding and supporting him.
The consequence of taking his phone away doesn't even make any sense- it doesn't fit with vaping, which has nothing to do with phone use.
Talking about why you don't want him to vape and the possible health concerns would make more sense. The aim is for him to develop his own self awareness and ability to make sensible choices for the future.
He won't do that if he's being punished like he's a 10 year old.

Radiatorvalves · 05/08/2025 15:32

I’d be equally upset OP. Can you sit down with him and explain why you’re so concerned… the health issues etc? Do you have any medical friends who could speak with him?

I think you’re getting a really hard time here. It’s illegal to vape under 18 and you have responsibility for him and his health.

Timeforaglassofwine · 05/08/2025 15:35

It is something that should be taken seriously, but hands up everyone who smoked occasionally as a teen ✋️.
Taking away his phone, contacting his friends and cutting him off during the holidays is ott. He is going to be starting 6th form or college presumably in September, so you've got to let go a little. Yes there do need to be consequences, maybe cut off money, make him get a job (or try), make him do extra chores?

Chompingatthebeat · 05/08/2025 15:36

Grounding is such an archaic form of punishment

Zanzara · 05/08/2025 15:37

Radiatorvalves · 05/08/2025 15:32

I’d be equally upset OP. Can you sit down with him and explain why you’re so concerned… the health issues etc? Do you have any medical friends who could speak with him?

I think you’re getting a really hard time here. It’s illegal to vape under 18 and you have responsibility for him and his health.

It's not a hard time the OP is getting, though, it's the voices of experience. The boy is 16, and the issue has to be dealt with in that light. He has to be taught to make better choices going forward, given the level of autonomy he has now and is soon going to have. Treating him like a naughty ten year old will achieve nothing except to put his back up and make sure he doesn't listen in the future.

VaseofViolets · 05/08/2025 15:38

You’re going about this the wrong way. He’s not a little child - stop punishing him. Talk to him about the health consequences and explain your concerns. In a couple of years he’ll be an adult and you’ll have no control. Help him to make good decisions for himself and think about why he shouldn’t be doing it, instead of just telling him you don’t want him to and he must obey you.

My sons experimented at that age, it’s natural, it’s what young lads do. Their friends vaped and they were curious. I didn’t go off the deep end; they came to their own conclusions (with guidance and encouragement) that it wasn’t a smart decision to pick up the habit. Neither of them vape or smoke now - they’re in amazing shape, always at the gym and take their fitness, nutrition and health incredibly seriously! So help them make good choices, don’t punish them, would be my sincere advice.

GasPanic · 05/08/2025 15:43

In less than 2 years he's going to be able to do what he wants outside the house irrespective of your opinion.

Make sure he understands the health impacts and what it will do to him. Then hope he is smart enough to make his own choices.

JoyDivision79 · 05/08/2025 15:44

It's nice to see that you care enough OP. I was smoking with the family at 15; great 🤔.

I agree that you're going to struggle to control this. I would say to him that you accept you can't control his vaping choices. I'd ask if he feels addicted to it. If he wants to stop even. It has to be genuine and from a place of concern not punishment. Because you can't stop him starting up when he's out again.

I would restrict his access to money that I provided. I'd say that you can't be involved in financing this choice. He will therefore need a part time job.

I would offer to support him in any way with handling the addiction; if he's addicted and this is more than just a choice. I sense it might be more than choice. For example, are they all vaping together as a social thing?

Find out exactly why and then you can respond. If he decides to continue, you're limited as you can't keep him indoors forever at this age.

Pricelessadvice · 05/08/2025 15:45

He is 16. Make it clear you don’t agree with it and won’t tolerate it at home, but Im not sure what more you can do when he’s 16 if he’s out and about.

JoyDivision79 · 05/08/2025 15:46

GasPanic · 05/08/2025 15:43

In less than 2 years he's going to be able to do what he wants outside the house irrespective of your opinion.

Make sure he understands the health impacts and what it will do to him. Then hope he is smart enough to make his own choices.

There are a few horror videos on YouTube about acute lung injury etc. I believe they're worth watching.

We also have the long term unknowns and I'd push on that.

alwaysstressed · 05/08/2025 15:47

I’ve been through this with my now 15 year old DS.
I caught him with a vape last year and initially lost my shit!! I grounded him, phoned his dad, took his phone, everything I could think of.
Maybe a month or two later found out again punished him again.

It kept happening and eventually I valued my relationship with him over his vaping.
He is going to do it behind my back no matter what and I just couldn’t keep having the same arrangement with him over and over again, each time I feel like I was chipping away at our relationship more and more.

I don’t think much of his friends though if they could so easily throw him under the bus to his mum. I would’ve been furious if my friends had done that to me at that age! Where’s the loyalty

VaseofViolets · 05/08/2025 15:48

Ponderingwindow · 05/08/2025 15:25

I would cut off his access to money as well.

A 16 yo vaping should be taken seriously.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Kids experiment.

My mum hit the roof when she found out I’d smoked a cigarette as a teenager. I was just curious - it didn’t mean I wanted to take it up! But she couldn’t let it drop; the she was absolutely hysterical and her punishments were so disproportionate I just got angry and upset, shut down and stopped listening to her. And started smoking in defiance of her 🤷♀️

We all want to guide our children, but sometimes they can be pushed so far they go the other way.

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/08/2025 15:51

QuaintQuoter · 05/08/2025 15:21

How should I have reacted then. I have to place firm boundaries and make it clear that this is unacceptable.

Show quote history

He’s 16, you can’t control his behaviour any more than you can stop him buying chips for lunch every day.

Your relationship needs to move to one of guidance and support rather than control. You can choose not to finance his habit, and be clear about your concerns, and not allow vaping at home. More than that and you’re setting yourself up for endless battles that you won’t win anyway.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 05/08/2025 15:53

Radiatorvalves · 05/08/2025 15:32

I’d be equally upset OP. Can you sit down with him and explain why you’re so concerned… the health issues etc? Do you have any medical friends who could speak with him?

I think you’re getting a really hard time here. It’s illegal to vape under 18 and you have responsibility for him and his health.

It’s legal to leave home at 16. Grounding a 16 year old is ridiculous, and unenforceable.

Flip

1 2