AIBU to ground DS16 and take his phone over vaping?

[QuaintQuoter]

I found out recently that DS16 has been vaping occasionally. I spoke to his friends because I had a feeling something was going on and they admitted he does it when they’re together. I confronted him and he eventually told me the truth.

I’m honestly enraged that he’s been doing this and hiding it from me.

He’s not allowed to see his friends for a while and I’ve taken his phone. How else should I punish him and make sure this actually stops? Have I gone too far?

It's legal to vape at age 16, it's illegal to purchase a vape product. My local 6th form college has a vape shelter.

Does he fully understand (what's known about) the health implications, and also that it's anti-social behaviour? I'm not sure the vaping alone (although I assume he'd been previously forbidden to do it) merits a punishment versus just an investigation to find out why he does it and help him stop. It sounds like he also lied to you when you first asked about it, so I can understand wanting to impose consequences for that but for a 16yo maybe economic consequences would have more force and make more sense to him.

My DD is 17 and whilst i’d be far from happy, she is a young adult now and no amount of grounding (which I never use anyway) is going to stop it. I’d just warn her of the dangers and advise her nicotine addiction is incredibly difficult to stop.

Vaping really isn't seen as antisocial behaviour, certainly not by teens. If anything it creates a social circle as they all compare vapes and the flavours.

Personally I think its a bad thing as there isn't enough data on the long term effects on health. We all know that cigarettes are bad, but im not convinced that a vape is any better.

But...

He is 16, he could join the army, he can leave home if he wants to and there's nothing you can do about it. You really need to approach this differently. Grounding and phone removal, sneaking around checking up on him with his friends is absolutely crazy controlling behaviour.

Yeah, but you could do that by talking about it. Explain that you're disappointed that he's risking his health. Or take away some of his privileges but by going straight to grounding and taking his phone away all you're doing is making sure he's more careful about keeping it a secret next time rather than being someone he comes to for advice or help.

I would have been furious too OP. I think taking his phone for a limited period ie a week is quite acceptable to make him understand how serious it is. Is he a young 16? To get his phone back I'd make him research the harm vaping can cause him.

There is literally a tonne of research available on addictive/health risk behaviours. You will be lucky to find a single study, anywhere in the world that suggests you will modify those behaviours with any degree of long term success through punishments. What you are suggesting will just isolate your son from you and drive his behaviours to become more secretive.

I also find it very odd that 16 year olds will tell tales on each other like your son's friends have. I'd bet anything they are all vaping too!