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Original poster

Need to offload from time with mother-in-law!

50 replies

MILsBeware1 · 04/08/2025 20:56

My mother in law is driving me nuts.

Every time she comes to visit she does nothing but gaslight me and criticize me!

Not long ago I had a baby with her son and this is the kind of stiff she says to me - constantly!

Why don't you just put him in a cot and leave him so you can come and sit with us to enjoy your dinner?
Why don't you just put him in front of the TV, he likes TV?
He doesn't like you reading books to him, he just likes to lift the flaps.
Why don't you give him milk with his food?
Why don't you warm his milk up?
Why do you put peppers in his food? Babies don't like peppers.
Haven't you ever looked after a baby before?
Why do you wake him up, you should just let him sleep as long as he likes?
Why do you feed him 3 meals a day, why not just feed him as and when he wants it?
Why do you have to open the windows? Why do you try to do everything by the book? I never bothered adjusting the temperature for my children.
Why don't you dye your hair, it looks awful grey.
Why don't you dress up like you used to when I first met you?
Why is your child so noisy?
Why won't you let me look after your son on my own? (she is mid eighties and has many health problems)
You don't trust me do you.
Why don't you just put the baby in a play pen?
Why don't you just let him cry things out?
Why are you so overprotective of your son, if you don't let him have accidents he will never learn.
Why are you still breastfeeding him?
Don't you think babies prefer bottled milk to breast?
Why don't you iron my son's shirts for him?

She also does stuff like this all the time: She told me to order a fish and chips for each person at the house then had a go at me in front of them later saying I should I ordered 1 portion between 2 and I had gone and got too much.

I don't want to say anything to her as I don't want the confrontation. I need to know how to just be like 'water off a duck's back' and ignore her without it getting to me. Also I don't really understand why she is like this.

BTW my son is really healthy, very happy and is so easy to care for. And I do do everything by the book but I care for children for a living so now want to put everything I have learned into raising my son well.

Help!!!

OP posts:
StrawberryCranberry · 04/08/2025 20:59

I recognise some of these from my MIL but yours sounds much worse! What does your DH say? He should be standing up for you.

ByLimeAnt · 04/08/2025 21:02

I've got a lovely MIL.

BUT...

I have a friend like this. I play a game called "What an I really saying?", so

"All my married friends say I'm so insightful about relationships" (I'm insecure because I've never had a LTR)

Etc. It makes it easier to nod and smile.

carkerpartridge · 04/08/2025 21:03

She sounds irritating and probably very out of touch with bringing up a baby if she's in her 80s. Where is her son when she's saying all this stuff? I would ask him to entertain/distract her as much as possible.

rubicustellitall · 04/08/2025 21:05

Time to loose your head OP do it once,do it effectively and you won't have to do it again.
I suggest Sit down and shut up with your advice and critisism no one wants to hear of or go home. I am sick of hearing you ok?

Original poster
MILsBeware1 · 04/08/2025 21:06

He says she is difficult with everyone and everyone knows what she is like so just ignore it. Her other son's partner avoids her like the plague and the one time we did all go out together, my mother in law turned to my sister in law and said 'Don't you think she should be feeding the baby solids by now?' and my sister in law smiled at me then said to my mother in law 'no, everyone knows you don't feed a 4 month old solids, the NHS says 6 months'. My mother in law's daughter calls her Hitler and shuts her down whenever she starts. What I find hard is the frequency of the insults, it goes on all day and she stays with us for up to a week at a time (several times a year). My partner usually finds excuses to go and do things so I get left with her a lot, she really ramps up the criticism when it is just me and her. Part of me feels sorry for her. It just gets quite exhausting for me though and I somehow end up feeling disorientated after being around her too much.

OP posts:
rubicustellitall · 04/08/2025 21:07

Well theres your answer then OP ..she does it cos she can and its tolerated.Therefore she has no reason to stop.

StrawberryCranberry · 04/08/2025 21:08

Why does your partner get to escape and leave her with you? I'd put a stop to that for sure!

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 04/08/2025 21:10

you have a dh problem. ffs he doesnt get to disappear

Lavender14 · 04/08/2025 21:11

Where is your dh when she's making these comments? What does he do to stand up for his wife?

To be honest, I don't think you need to just let this wash over you. There needs to be a boundary set and tbh I think your dh should be the one to set it. "Mum I've heard all the critical and questioning comments you keep making to my wife. I'm telling you now that it's disrespectful and it needs to stop. She's an excellent mother and does her absolute best for our son. You are a guest in her home and you need to start behaving more respectfully because your comments to date have been unacceptable. "

Then the next time she does it you say "this is how I'm choosing to care for MY child. You may have chosen to do things differently with your children as is your right, but MY parenting choices are not open for debate. I hope you can respect that so we can have a good relationship moving forward".

United front will be important in this and you deserve your dhs support and backing. Eventually your ds will grow up and will understand granny's criticisms and negative comments about his mummy and it will make him uncomfortable and will undermine your parenting. It also has the potential to destroy your marriage because you'll feel continuously resentful and unsupported by the man who is meant to defend and care for you. Start as you mean to go on op. You don't need to be harsh or rude you are best being calm and direct.

Cutleryclaire · 04/08/2025 21:11

Your DH shouldn’t be buggering off and leaving you to handle her! That’s incredibly rude.

regista · 04/08/2025 21:11

I'm sorry but to get past this you will have to learn to snap back, otherwise she will wear you down. Your SIL has is down well by the sound of it.

Start by getting yourself a few stock phrases:
Works for us...Mum knows best
What a funny thing to say
What a strange idea, I don't think that would work
Oh, MIL, what a rude thing to say
Why would you say that?
No, I don't think so MIL

Don't be polite and smile and nod as she will continue as she is and it sounds as though she is relentless.

Also consider how you can minimise time with her, if she complains tell her it's because she is always so critical and it's not that great to be around her.

Original poster
MILsBeware1 · 04/08/2025 21:11

Yeah I agree, there is nothing I am doing to stop her. My partner's ex wife did just tell her to 'f*off' and that was the end of their relationship. I don't want to do that as I do feel sorry for her (I know not many people like her). I don't understand why she is the way she is but she did raise my partner who is wonderful in so many ways and she is getting on so I don't know how long we will have with her, also I do want my son to know her...although things will probably change if she starts insulting my son when he's old enough to understand. Sorry to post here, I just needed to put this down and share it to stop myself from feeling completely crap or from losing it with her or my partner.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 04/08/2025 21:12

Also, why are you hosting her when he skives off. That's really shitty behaviour from him. You need to be really clear that if he wants her to stay he needs to be there to host and manage her, or else she doesn't come to stay. End of.

regista · 04/08/2025 21:13

I don't think you need to tell her to fuck off and end the relationship, but the fact that she ramps up when your husband is away means she knows how to keep a lid on it, so show her politely that you will not tolerate it.

CalishataFolkart · 04/08/2025 21:13

I have done this with a serial moaner before:

”<big sigh> Oh Mary, would you ever just give it a rest?”

The weariness means it doesn’t lead to an argument because you haven’t got the energy, but indicates you’ve heard quite enough of them. It also means you don’t identify which comment exactly is the problem, just the sheer number of them.

Lavender14 · 04/08/2025 21:17

Also op I think (for you and probably your dh) it will feel really uncomfortable the first few times you talk back. Because generally we want to be respectful towards elders and especially to the family of someone we care about as you do want people to like you at the end of the day. But your dh has had a lifetime of normalising negative comments and probably not really talking back instead using avoidance etc, so this will naturally be difficult for him and you. But the more you do it, it will definitely get easier and she'll come to expect it so her reactions will become less the more she gets used to it as well.

Original poster
MILsBeware1 · 04/08/2025 21:18

I've never been particularly good at coming up with clever responses to this kind of behaviour but I loved some of your suggestions:
Works for us...Mum knows best
What a funny thing to say
What a strange idea, I don't think that would work
Oh, MIL, what a rude thing to say
Why would you say that?
No, I don't think so MIL
I don't know if I'd have the balls to say any of them.
The trouble is she's old and I feel sorry for her :( Have I got stockholm syndrome?

OP posts:
carkerpartridge · 04/08/2025 21:19

She sounds very set in her ways and won't change at her age. What can change though is how you and especially your DH manage the situation. Cut down the frequent visits, let him go to see her, get him to pull his weight when she's at yours... She obviously alienates other family members so there's no reason why you should be the one who puts up with her unpleasantness especially when her own son escapes.

regista · 04/08/2025 21:23

Remember she doesn't have sympathy for you like you have for her. So don't feel at all bad about snapping back when she has a dig. It's hard but if you want to maintain a relationship with her and not have it blow up - you need to show her that you won't tolerate her constant criticism.

Original poster
MILsBeware1 · 04/08/2025 21:25

I wouldn't know how to raise the fact of my hubby disappearing when she comes to stay. I only just realised now why (from one of your responses), its his way of dealing with the barrage of criticism. I actually heard her one day in the other room with him and she was laughing at his hands and saying how ugly they were, it really broke my heart as he has terrible eczema. Also, her parenting advice all sound awful to me and it makes me sad to think what kind of an upbringing he must of had. One thing I have noticed that he does do when she is here, is always try to gain her approval. He cooks amazing 3 course meals, plays beautiful pieces he has learned for her on his piano and tells her all of our latest achievements. He has been very successful in life, part of me thinks maybe much of his life has been about trying to please his mother.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 04/08/2025 21:42

My Mil is lovely but.. she's very stubborn and have set ideas about how things ought to be "because that's how I did it". Like baby sleeping on the tummy because my son only slept like that. Well, Mil, it has been proven that infant death decreased when we put babies on their back so their airways are free. Etc etc. Like she's telling her doctor she needs antibiotics for something viral "because that's the only thing that works".

My children are teens now but she still has got her ideas on how to best bring them up. I usually tackle this with laughter "Did you really do this back in the days?" . I detach from her so she becomes the funny granny from prehistoric times. I no longer try to give her scientific facts because she prefers personal anecdotes. To be fair she has always respected my authority about how things should be done with my children even if she hasn't agreed with it.

CrispieCake · 04/08/2025 21:47

Why don't you take a leaf out of your partner's book?

Just leave the room when she starts up. Tell them you're tired and going for a nap.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 04/08/2025 21:51

MILsBeware1 · 04/08/2025 21:06

He says she is difficult with everyone and everyone knows what she is like so just ignore it. Her other son's partner avoids her like the plague and the one time we did all go out together, my mother in law turned to my sister in law and said 'Don't you think she should be feeding the baby solids by now?' and my sister in law smiled at me then said to my mother in law 'no, everyone knows you don't feed a 4 month old solids, the NHS says 6 months'. My mother in law's daughter calls her Hitler and shuts her down whenever she starts. What I find hard is the frequency of the insults, it goes on all day and she stays with us for up to a week at a time (several times a year). My partner usually finds excuses to go and do things so I get left with her a lot, she really ramps up the criticism when it is just me and her. Part of me feels sorry for her. It just gets quite exhausting for me though and I somehow end up feeling disorientated after being around her too much.

No no no no no!!! Why the fuck isn't he entertaining her? She's not your bloody mother, she's his. Stuff like this makes me so angry on your behalf. You need to tell him if you want her to come and stay for a week, you need to be around more than you are. Give him an ultimatum. She is his problem not yours!

Lavender14 · 04/08/2025 21:52

You mentioned about her having done something right to raise your wonderful dh. It sounds like he's thrived DESPITE her rather than because of her. Which is why he still feels the need to try to get approval he won't ever fully get.

I understand feeling sorry for her and worrying about her age, because you're empathetic and compassionate and treat people with respect - but even though she's old she can still do a lot of damage. My mum is difficult and I find it hard to cut her off because of her age, but I know she really affected my neices self esteem with nasty comments about her skin and her teeth when she was only 8 years old and now I know she'll be in my life up until the point where I am worried about her impact on my ds and I really limit the amount of contact she has with him and call her out every single time.

CalishataFolkart · 04/08/2025 21:53

MILsBeware1 · 04/08/2025 21:25

I wouldn't know how to raise the fact of my hubby disappearing when she comes to stay. I only just realised now why (from one of your responses), its his way of dealing with the barrage of criticism. I actually heard her one day in the other room with him and she was laughing at his hands and saying how ugly they were, it really broke my heart as he has terrible eczema. Also, her parenting advice all sound awful to me and it makes me sad to think what kind of an upbringing he must of had. One thing I have noticed that he does do when she is here, is always try to gain her approval. He cooks amazing 3 course meals, plays beautiful pieces he has learned for her on his piano and tells her all of our latest achievements. He has been very successful in life, part of me thinks maybe much of his life has been about trying to please his mother.

“Husband, I’ve noticed when your mum comes round you make yourself scarce. Please don’t do this anymore.”

Next time she comes round and he makes himself scarce you go and find him and say, “I asked you not to disappear when your mum comes round and you’ve done it again. Please come back in the room.”