Need to offload from time with mother-in-law!

[MILsBeware1]

My mother in law is driving me nuts.

Every time she comes to visit she does nothing but gaslight me and criticize me!

Not long ago I had a baby with her son and this is the kind of stiff she says to me - constantly!

Why don't you just put him in a cot and leave him so you can come and sit with us to enjoy your dinner?
Why don't you just put him in front of the TV, he likes TV?
He doesn't like you reading books to him, he just likes to lift the flaps.
Why don't you give him milk with his food?
Why don't you warm his milk up?
Why do you put peppers in his food? Babies don't like peppers.
Haven't you ever looked after a baby before?
Why do you wake him up, you should just let him sleep as long as he likes?
Why do you feed him 3 meals a day, why not just feed him as and when he wants it?
Why do you have to open the windows? Why do you try to do everything by the book? I never bothered adjusting the temperature for my children.
Why don't you dye your hair, it looks awful grey.
Why don't you dress up like you used to when I first met you?
Why is your child so noisy?
Why won't you let me look after your son on my own? (she is mid eighties and has many health problems)
You don't trust me do you.
Why don't you just put the baby in a play pen?
Why don't you just let him cry things out?
Why are you so overprotective of your son, if you don't let him have accidents he will never learn.
Why are you still breastfeeding him?
Don't you think babies prefer bottled milk to breast?
Why don't you iron my son's shirts for him?

She also does stuff like this all the time: She told me to order a fish and chips for each person at the house then had a go at me in front of them later saying I should I ordered 1 portion between 2 and I had gone and got too much.

I don't want to say anything to her as I don't want the confrontation. I need to know how to just be like 'water off a duck's back' and ignore her without it getting to me. Also I don't really understand why she is like this.

BTW my son is really healthy, very happy and is so easy to care for. And I do do everything by the book but I care for children for a living so now want to put everything I have learned into raising my son well.

Help!!!

Darling, what are your plans for when MIL is staying next? Can we work out how you are spending your time with her?

Oh, you will be at work 12 hours a day for the whole week? Well it doesn't seem worth her coming then.

MIL comes for your benefit, not mine. If you aren't going to be with her, we'd best postpone to another time when you are available for her.

I would be synchronising her visits with having sil round also.

She sounds like she has balls...
You can learn some of her responses...

From experience, don't let it wash over you. I did it for 20 years and MIL became worse over time, as everyone tolerated it & DH didn't step up. Eventually people didn't. I told her 'im doing it my way, if I make a mistake, that's on me' or 'Well, my DS is thriving' or I'd just shut her down and say I'm not discussing it. Her friends & family disappeared as well.

She did once come to my house to tell me everything I was doing wrong. Not sure what that is as I asked her to leave as I wasn't interested. She went off yelling and that night DH finally stepped up. She had herself carted off to hospital with a 'heart attack'. She was fine, btw, but they took her because she had so many health issues.

You need to get your DH to stop going out. Next time, tell him he's not disappearing when she arrives, and can stay and manage her. Or you'll bring her to him. Or the next time you & your baby will go away when she visits. And be serious about it!!

Wow, she sounds like a toddler with all them questions. It would drive me mad. Maybe try and just completely blank every stupid question, she may get the picture. If she challenges it let her know you can't be bothered responding to all the questions about your parenting. Or maybe direct the questions to your DH, "DH, your mum wants to know why..."

The next time she mentions visiting- or even now as she has just left- say to your husband

"I'm sorry I am not entertaining her again - she is so rude to me. If you cannot be here for ALL of the time she is here then she cannot stay"

If he still let's her come then leave the house WITH him or ahead of him EVERYtime he leaves. Go somewhere different to him and make it clear she is not welcome to join you. Or just book yourself and your little one a few days away/ with your folks. If he questions it, you already told him that you would not entertain her again due to her rudeness. Let him deal with her attitude alone and hopefully he will think twice about allowing her to visit again.

I've got one like this too.
Something along the lines of (gently laughing) 'Oh MIL, we do things slightly differently now...' with a kind of head-tilted pitied look on your face.
And repeat as necessary 'hahaha MIL, I keep telling you, science has helped us move on now...'

Or if you want to get a little jibe in about your DH too...
'Thank you for the advice but I've seen your work (i.e. DH) and I've decided to make some improvements...'

Never mind you have a son. Your son's wife will be writing similar about you in a few decades.

Yeah I disagree, my mum isn't like my mother in law at all. She adores my brothers wife and my brothers wife loves her back. My mum doesn't interfere in any of her children's relationships or parenting choices, she's just very respectful and accepting of other people, she's supportive.

My mum is the same @MILsBeware1 let's them all get on with it keeps opinions to herself. Not all MILs are hellish.....just some. 😂mine was hard work at times but I miss her now she's gone.

Yeah I will miss my MIL when she's gone, I actually love her to bits, think she is lots of fun and interesting to talk to. I am just finding the constant criticism difficult and it annoys me as really I just want us to get on and have a nice time :(

I would be tempted to be honest and tell her you don’t trust her because all she does is criticise and contradict your parenting so you have little faith she will follow the. Correct advice and be safe with your child. When she gets all defensive you can be clear and say well at least I didn’t tell you to fuck off like Janet did!

i know many people say you have a dh problem but you actually need to stand up for yourself to - you are an adult who can clearly (from your posts) communicate. No one likes conflict but start now so your child can see that you have self worth.

and if you want to be cruel ask if she is having memory problems with the fish supper because she was either gaslighting you or you’re concerned that she may have dementia and should get that checked out.

oh and you should never accept behaviour just because ‘that’s the way they are’

I don’t understand.
How can she be both insufferably rude and critical AND fun, interesting and lovely?

That makes literally no sense whatsoever

When she does it you need to respond assertively

"Why do you x"

You respond

"Do you mean to be so rude?" Keep doing it.

Don't entertain her criticisms.

Thanks for the question, its a good question. I think people have many sides to them. I have danced with her at a music festival and it was fun, we have eaten too much cake together and it was fun. There are many things I could write here that I like: memories, funny stories she has told, nice things she has bought for my son, hear to heart things she has told me, she has even said nice things to me too. BUT the post I wrote tonight was really for advice on how to cope with the other part of her character which is very critical, and I am on the other end of it atm x

Well if you have shared all those lovely experiences and have an overall warm and loving relationship, then surely you could approach the subject with her and explain how it makes you feel? Not in an argument during the heat of the moment, but over coffee and cake at a more neutral moment

If he isnt around i would just say fuck off then deny it to his face tell him you know what she is like perhaps it's time to get her assessed especially if she is hearing things

But I'm not nice

Hi Lavender, that sounds really tough and I get it. I have heard my MIL speak badly in front of my partner's son and it really hurt. I did speak up and contradict her in that moment and I spoke to my partner's son after and got his dad to speak to him too to explain that nanny had problems due to her age. I think if she does behave badly to my child as he gets older I will shut her up or ask her to leave. I have tolerated it now myself but I don't think I will be able to do that with my baby. Also thanks for pointing out that my partner may of thrived despite his mum x I think you may be right x

I wish there was a laughing emoji on here, some of these responses have been hilarious x love it x thank you for making me smile x

Yeah I think if it gets to the point where I just want to avoid her, I will opt for this x great suggestion, thank you x I think this approach would be inline with who I am as a person too x thank you x

Personally, she wouldn’t be staying in my house. Life’s too short.

yeah but that is also the reason she is, she is old, I'm not that old, so she is staying because she is old and life is short x

Let me clarify- your life is too short to entertain her nonsense.

Our of interest OP - how old?
96 and frail? yeah cut her some slack

otherwise age doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be rude and opinionated imo. Besides, at her age, she’s old enough to know better!!😂

Really relatable post OP as I had a difficult MIL too. She was never mean to my husband though; she worshipped him. That could be annoying mind you!

Lots of criticism; my clothes, my little girl's clothes (dungarees were not acceptable) , the state of the house (it was fine but I let the kids play pretty freely, paint at the kitchen table etc whereas my husband as a child was only allowed to play outside because he made the place messy), my cooking ( al dente vegetables - not OK) the fact I didn't work when they were tiny "my son has to earn all the money", the fact I went back to work "why do you bother, my son earns plenty" .. it was exhausting.

It's interesting that you say you've had good times with your MIL. I can't say that exactly, but she could be very sharp, amusing and entertaining. She was a big personality and people loved or hated her. She was never dull. But she was bloody hard work.

It took me ages to stand up to her and I wish I had done it earlier. For the last few years of her life I just stopped being intimidated. I was polite but I stood up for myself. It is possible to say calmly "I don't agree with you" or " Please stop criticising" without being dragged into an argument or being rude. Keep it simple. Really calm, really firm, really in control. You can do it.

Oh, and she didn't want my husband to come to the birth because he was too sensitive , and apparently he was potty trained at 12 months and she washed ten wee pairs of trousers a day (logic wasn't her strong point)
I mean it would have been quite funny if it wasn't so infuriating.