Divorce or staying together what is best for kids

[2340728h]

Dh and I haven't had a happy relationship for a while. We are essentially coparents living in the same house. We don't argue much but it's not like we are a happy unit. Not had regular sex since youngest was born eight years ago. We are both in our 50s but live in London so costs are high. If we separated, at best I could manage maybe a tiny flat in a less than nice area. I earn 50k and Dh is on a bit more. Currently, am staying mainly because of the kids and I guess maintaining our life as it is. Moving to a worse area and schools, living in poverty doesn't seem fair just because we as adults dpnt jave much sex.

If you have kids or were a child of divorce - was it worth the family upheaval?

Does dh know your unhappy?

Plenty of adults live together without sex the main issue here is that you’ve said you’re not happy and it’s not a happy household, that is the issue.

Children would ratuer have two smaller happy homes than one larger unhappy home.

Yes, Dh is also unhappy but he is staying for access to the kids while I guess that am doing it due to finances plus I guess that I need his help with managing the kids around my job.

If you’re both unhappy could you afford a nest arrangement? Bedsit down the road and rotate weeks? I’m in a similar situation but thankfully only have one DS as college so kids not such a consideration for me as DS drives now and could flit between us as he chooses.

I am a reluctant divorcee (serial infidelity on the part of ex). Unpopular opinion, but in your situation I'd stay together for the children. Divorce is always awful for children. It just is.

I am a reluctant divorcee - I can categorically say it’s ruined my children’s lives - emotionally, physically and financially

if you get married and have children i wholeheartedly think you have a duty to stick together through thick and thin and put aside your own wants (sex) for the children you decided to bring into the world (that’s assuming that there is no abuse within the marriage of course)

kids always want parents together when they are young (even when they're unhappy), and then once they're older (think 18/19) can't understand why they didn't divorce earlier as they were obviously unhappy.

But this isn't just about the kids. You also mention financial circumstances, and his worry about access (I mean he'll get it so why is he worried?).

I'm not sure to what extent you can have an open, honest, and adult conversation with your husband but can you? And if so, can you agree to try to be good friends, and warmly friendly for the sake of the kids, but ultimate do things apart and with an aim to separate once the kids are older. Including acknowledging that may discreetly involve having sex with other people outside of the home? Rediscover one another as friends, and accept that's where you are in your relationship.

Alternatively, IMO you are wayyyyy too young to be hanging up your boots and just existing for the sake of the kids. If you can separate, go to a 50/50 arrangement, the freedoms are just incredible. There is life beyond divorce, and children quickly grow up.

ps I am a divorcee, and happily remarried, and I can categorically say that divorce is really bad for kids, but so would staying in an unhappy marriage have been.

It depends on the marriage. I kept mine going until the kids were grown, before I walked, but there was no abuse. Just outgrew each other.

I'm glad I did as they feel they grew up in a stable home with both of their parents. 👍

As an older mumsnetter I would never have said my marriage was awful, but over the years it has gone up and down. Especially when DCs were small and there was a lot of pressure around. Balancing work, life and children is not easy. It did come back though and so did the passion. My first inclination is always to work at it and see if you can find common ground. It might be that you cannot, but I think it is worth trying really hard before you conclude on this.

@Cyclebabble may I ask, what brought the passion back? Did you guys fake it til you make it intimacy wise or did you start hanging out together more and found it crept back in?

Well, look at it this way.
I have separated parents, ive known a lot of people who dont have parents together, and read a lot of threads on here from children of parents who divorced and I have only ever come across ONE solitary person who thinks their parents should have stayed together. And that was on here. I know a lot of people in varying circumstances in real life with divorced parents, and it is ALWAYS the behaviour of one or both parents during and post separation that causes the child lasting pain, not the fact their parents are no longer in a relationship. And from a lot of threads on here, people occasionally talk about hating being shuttled around between two houses, but thats it. They hated it. But hating something, while rubbish, is minor compared to some of the issues people end up with. And having seen the vast amounts of people who are fucked up from their parents demonstrating an unhealthy relationship to them, I dont really see how anyone could justify that someone feeling (understandably) upset over being shuttled around is better than the awful reality for most people where they end up in unhealthy and abusive romantic relationships as an adult due to the example set by parents. (Some of us end up going through both...)
The majority of people I know wish their parents separated sooner and didnt drag it out.

Thanks. I think the key thing is talking. Neither of us wanted to give up and we did do some couples therapy eventually. One of the things they did which was quite useful was to get us to talk about how we got together and what drove us to fancy each other then. The mood, the things each other did. Often quite small things which we had lost without really realising it. It was not an overnight fix but it did work. We did go through a dry patch prior to this where neither of us felt much like sex and TBH I would not force it. I cannot say that I have never had sex when I did not feel much like it, but if you do it too often it is a real passion killer.

You have to think about what you're modelling to your kids, in terms of a 'normal' relationship. They will learn how to navigate their own relationships through growing up in yours. So, if you and DH are unaffectionate, disdainful, etc - that's what your kids will learn is 'normal'.

My parents divorced when I was 12 and my dad fucked off to another country and I barely saw him for the rest of my childhood. It wasn't the divorce, per se, that messed me up. It was the way it was handled, the way my mum became bitter and my dad, in general, being a selfish arse. I think if you can manage it well, and be fully present and validating of your kids' feelings throughout, not bad mouth each other (or marriage in general), then it won't necessarily mess them up as much as you modelling a poor relationship model by sticking together.

Also - I've had these thoughts about my own marriage and I'm glad I've stuck with it. Counselling helped a bit. But partly it's just realising that I'd rather be with him than not...

I am glad you are getting some balanced views here OP, sometimes the cavalier approach to divorce on Mn is very wrong.

I feel like I'm only a step ahead of you, there was rare sex (reluctant on my part if I'm honest) and lots of tension over silly life stuff while kids were younger. The last few years things improved in every respect and as we move into having teen DC I am much happier about my life. I also do a lot without DH including going on holidays or mini breaks alone. I often long for freedom but the stakes are too high for me. At my most miserable I did contemplate a separation and decided I couldn't live with the guilt, I guess i wasn't at breaking point yet. I would have to be sure life for everyone would be better to separate, not just for me. If you are at breaking point mentally then sometimes you have to hurt others, i guess thats different, thats desperation. I think I came close but not quote there. When DC are raised I think its ok to look more at your own happiness and well being but for now I think you need to look at it collectively.

I feel for you, I hope you find happiness, whichever way it goes.

I instigated my divorce because being married to my ex was like having a third child. I didn’t want my children (boys) to grow up thinking that it was normal for the woman to do everything (and I mean literally everything - be the breadwinner plus do most of the parenting, mental load, life admin and housekeeping) and the man to do nothing. My hand was forced by his behaviour and him being on dating sites etc.

My children were much younger so was easier for them than it would be for older kids. I wouldn’t say they love us being divorced, but they are used to it. I will live with the guilt forever probably, but I have got used to that feeling too. I know people judge.

Being a single parent is very, very hard in many ways. But my decision was heavily influenced by my own childhood, where my dad was the same character as my ex. Worse in fact as my dad was abusive. I didn’t want my children exposed to constant arguments or having to act as mediator at a young age like I had to do with my own parents.

I was privileged in that I was able to buy out my ex so the children were not uprooted. I realise in worse financial situations the decision is more difficult.

All the best OP

I'd have preferred my parents to divorce straight away rather than drag it out for years.

There was always tension especially at occasions like birthdays/Christmas and as the oldest daughter I felt such pressure to play happy families. It was awful

As there is no abuse why not try some marriage counselling, it’s not going to cost that much compared to the divorce. Then reconsider a few months down the line. You need many chats about this, make some time for it and don’t expect it to be all lovely straight away. DH and I had a rough patch we talked over many months and sorted it out.

How old are the children (aside from the 8 year old). I’m guessing if you’re both in your 50s they aren’t particularly young?

My answer to questions like this tend to differ based on the age of the children involved.

Just catching up on all the posts. Our kids are 8 and 9 and half.
There is no abuse though but quite a lot of resentment. Our sex life has never been great. If am honest, not sure we were ever all that compatible in that dept but I guess both thought at the time that it didn't matter too much. Dh is certainly resentful about it now and blames me for not being more open about it while I just think that we never really clicked in the first place. So am not sure whether we can rediscover something that wasn't there in the first place. However, the resentment also builds up around other issues in our family life. By now, we mainly function independent from each other.

However, even I feel a bit forlorn that this might be it. But mauve not enough to force the kids to move to a tiny place and rubbish schools, no holidays or other stuff.

What about keeping the kids in the present house and you adults taking turns living in one bedsit and the house. Although that doesn’t give much needed separation and could be complex in other ways. Might make a good trail separation without making the full jump into divorce

I stayed for 2 years after I first got the feeling that my marriage was dead….and I regret those two years.
I kept talking myself out of it, how much harder it would be on the children if I left, trying to convince myself of the idea that kids always do better in a two-parent household….very rose-tinted glasses.
It became very apparent that when the subject of how unhappy I was came up, I was the only one willing to put in any effort to attempt to fix it. My eldest and middle DCs were also very much aware of the atmosphere between me and exH - and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back as it were.
I didn’t want them growing up thinking that’s what a marriage looks like. They never saw exH and I being remotely affectionate with each other. All conversation between me and him was about the practicalities of the household stuff. And the kids knew. They didn’t see us as a family unit, and that’s fair because we weren’t functioning as one 🤷🏻‍♀️ I did everything - every school run, every doctors appointment, I went to all the school functions without him, football training, football games etc it was all me. He wasn’t there for any of it. So when we did divorce, it actually wasn’t that much of a change for the DC’s anyway.
Children know when their parents are unhappy, and they are better off having two happy parents who aren’t together than two utterly miserable parents who stay together for the sake of it.

I am a child of divorce and my parents’ separation is my happiest childhood memory with the only downside being that it did not happen early enough, so the siblings who remembered my parents relationship were scarred by it for decades.

But yours sounds a little more mundane. If you get on, the kids are doing well etc and financially a separation would be challenging, I would stay put.

And when you say “unhappy” what does that mean? Is it a high conflict household or just you have separate lives?

Say you stay for the kids. What happens when those kids become adults who leave home and then it’s just you and your DH say in silence staring at each other with no one else around. You will realise you don’t want to be there just the two of you and that you’ve wasted precious years that you can’t get back living with him and not being happy.

Divorce isn’t bad for children @curious79 @UsernameMcUsername. Long term studies have shown conflict in divorce is negative. Divorce itself isn’t.

I am divorced. Me and my child’s dad get on well, are good co parents and do lots together still. Our child is very happy, at 12 years old (divorced at 5) and says it’s not impacted her at all beyond she gets two summer holidays!

Yes, she definitely lives in a smaller house than some of her friends but kids don’t really care about those things. They care about being loved and secure.