Divorce or staying together what is best for kids

[2340728h]

Dh and I haven't had a happy relationship for a while. We are essentially coparents living in the same house. We don't argue much but it's not like we are a happy unit. Not had regular sex since youngest was born eight years ago. We are both in our 50s but live in London so costs are high. If we separated, at best I could manage maybe a tiny flat in a less than nice area. I earn 50k and Dh is on a bit more. Currently, am staying mainly because of the kids and I guess maintaining our life as it is. Moving to a worse area and schools, living in poverty doesn't seem fair just because we as adults dpnt jave much sex.

If you have kids or were a child of divorce - was it worth the family upheaval?

Totally agree. I see so many unhappy children products of divorced parents. And then the cycle continues. The children and their lives / needs always seem to come last. And that’s before we get on to the horrors of so called ‘blended’ families.

In your shoes I would definitely stay married for the sake of the children and the comfortable lifestyle you have. I had a few tough years with my husband but feel a huge sense of relief that we stuck it out. Our two children are adults now and I am proud that they went through their school years without the disruption of having divorced parents/two homes/possible disharmony between their parents.

I'd say divorce is best done early, I can honestly say that the best decision I made for all of us, and the DC are as happy and balanced and well adjusted if not more so than many of their peers who's parents are still together.

It's not as simple as parents togther = good vs parents divorced = bad. There are so many factors involved in the outcome for children, and the marital status of their parents is only one of them.

However if you feel dread at the thought of managing childcare alone in a tiny flat in a shitty area, then there's your answer. I would say if you really wanted a divorce, a garden shed in the arse end of nowhere would seem preferable. Until you have done everything, tried every avenue possible to improve your relationship, it's the last resort.

It might not be a popular opinion, but I think in some cases it is better to stay together for the children. If parents can be respectful and considerate towards each other, even if they aren’t in love and can’t show children a model of a perfect relationship, then it is enough.

Everything that goes along with divorce from the perspective of the children can be horrible. Moving house, possibly school, all the emotional uncertainty, having to cope with step parents and the risk and upset that goes along with that in the majority of cases, having to shift between homes and fit in with your parents chosen childcare arrangements, all horrible things for children to have to cope with. It is not worse than living with parents who have a less than perfect marriage.

Plenty of parents will tell you otherwise because they think they have more right to be happy than their children do and they convince themselves that children are resilient, but if divorce can be avoided while children are still growing up then it should be.

^ I was just coming on to post exactly the same. Not a popular view these days, but please do consider.

I am part of a blended family (multiple times over) and move it.

They are not inherently negative.

I’m a children’s mental health professional and was in a long and committed marriage. For years, I bore the weight of keeping the family together practically, emotionally and financially. When his mental health and employment began to unravel after Covid, I stepped in even more, taking on extra work, covering all household and child-related expenses and doing everything I could to maintain a sense of normalcy and stability for my children. Throughout it all, I wrestled with the heavy burden of holding the family unit intact despite the growing cracks in the marriage. I remained committed, not just out of duty but from a deep need to protect my children from the pain of a broken home (I came from a broken home too) but over time, it became clearer that what they were witnessing wasn’t a picture of stability, it was a model of emotional absence, imbalance and self-erasure. Despite the emotional loneliness and imbalance, I stayed. Not out of denial but because I love my children and believed in the family I had built. I wanted them to grow up with both parents and to feel secure. I thought if we could just hold on a bit longer, there might be space for things to heal but ultimately, he ended it.

Has it been easy? Fuck, no! Do I wish I was still married? Sometimes, yes! Have things become easier- mentally, yes. Physically, financially and practically NO! Are my children happier- mostly, yes but that’s taken A LOT of work on my part reassuring them, loving them, telling them the truth at a level they understand and can process. Would I recommend someone to fight for their marriage- ALWAYS! We’re going through a horrendous divorce at present and one I can’t afford to fight but i have hope that things will come out right in the end. What I will say is to prioritise your own mental health as well as the children’s. Nothing is clear cut when it comes to marriage and divorce- every person will have their own threshold of pain/hurt/betrayal/resentment and you’ll need to do what’s right for you.

I will say this is another thing I appreciate (selfishly) about my parents separating young. They were able to move on and find new partners. I have friends whose parents stayed together till they were adults and now my friends are performing a lot of emotional labour as a stand-in partner for their single parent. Whereas for me - my mom’s husband / dad’s partner performs that role!

And as a single woman without kids having a larger extended / blended family is an incredible support as I age.

My parents stayed together in a marriage marked by a complete and utter failure to communicate with each other or play as a team.

It was awful. I am one of three. None of us are married or have children. We all attribute this to the terrible relationship role modelling we witnessed.

Quite a few of my friends have divorced parents, some divorces were really messy with infidelity etc, all of those friends are in outwardly appearing functional adult relationships.

i’m strongly against “staying for the children”.

@GoldDuster

It's not as simple as parents togther = good vs parents divorced = bad. There are so many factors involved in the outcome for children, and the marital status of their parents is only one of them.

This is so true and I wish more people understood. And even leaving aside other factors not ever divorce / marriage is the same.
Divorce healed my broken home but I know other people who were irreparably harmed by their parent’s divorce.

It was awful. I am one of three. None of us are married or have children. We all attribute this to the terrible relationship role modelling we witnessed.

This is my experience. My younger siblings with no memory of my parents being together have always had healthy happy committed partnerships (though one is reluctantly divorced now).

Those of my siblings with a clear memory of our parents awful marriage have zero kids and zero long lasting healthy relationships of our own. It’s like the toxicity that was modelled to us became the blueprint for our own attempts at relationships.

my parents divorced when I was about 14. They never really spoke again. I “sided” with my DM as DF left to be with another woman. Neither parent helped me or my DBro with our feelings about it. I’ve spent my adult life suffering as a result.
So its not just the divorce but how it’s handled and how the Dc are helped through it that matters imo.

I'd say divorce is best done early, I can honestly say that the best decision I made for all of us, and the DC are as happy and balanced and well adjusted if not more so than many of their peers who's parents are still together.

exactly @GoldDuster . My child is happy, healthy, sociable and thriving. Some of her friends in houses with unpredictable grumpy dads (and there are a lot of them!) and mums trying constantly to placate their moods are not doing so well. Insecure, shy, low self esteem.

Yeah - this was how it was for me. The divorce wasn't that acrimonious for my parents (although my dad behaved terribly and my mum was sad, lonely and a bit bitter as a result. I don't think she's ever got over the rejection of it), but there was absolutely zero acknowledgement of our (the children's) feelings in the situation. We just kind of got on with it.

So in terms of my own challenges with being in a relationship and being a parent, so much of it comes from the failure to ever recognise or validate our feelings, rather than the divorce in and of itself.

Would you give the same advice to your daughter? Remain in an unhappy relationship, for the rest of her life, and the only excuse for end it would be abuse?

I’ve know a few that have stayed married but have mastered being friends, so has worked out well.
If you can do that then keep with what you are doing.

Yes absolutely my DM too spent the rest of her life angry and bitter.

And I’m still not over the consequences. I resent being “the last man standing” in her life. He married her - then pissed off to another woman (who he’s been happily married to for 45 years now!) leaving me to grow up with, and stay in a relationship with, a woman who he had found he did not love.

I think it depends on the level of resentment. If you are happy together generally, apart from the lack of sex, I'd say stay. It sounds like that might not be the case though.