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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and Childcare?

66 replies

HideBehindTheShed · 04/08/2025 10:14

I need to start this by saying I’m currently 7 1/2 months pregnant so can’t quite figure out if I’m just being extremely hormonal.

Me and DH have a DD who is 2 1/2. I am very very fortunate to work in a school so I am currently off for 6 weeks. So I can cover childcare. Which I know is a fortunate position to be in.

DH has 5 days off work last week into this week. Thurs until today. I asked him if he wanted to do anything. When he was hesitant. I also asked him to think of something we could do because I’ve got to think of things for the next 6 weeks so any support from him would be helpful. I don’t mean big expensive days out. I am happy to bake, paint, jump in puddles, go the local park, play in the garden and I also think it’s important for our toddler to stay in, figure out what to do herself when she’s bored - obviously just not everyday. After what felt like me nagging he suggested one activity, it’s a climbing activity that we love doing as a family but obviously in my current state I can’t do - he wanted us to do it as a family. Today he suggested putting wet suits on and going the park. Where we live their is currently a weather warning - with risk to life. I don’t mind getting out in any weather just not dangerous weather.

This is what our week has looked like…
Thurs - went food shopping then stayed in.
Friday - stayed in
Saturday - stayed in (went out for a meal with family Saturday night - organised by me)
Sunday - stayed in.
Monday - after I’ve said no, because of the weather warning looks like we’re staying in.

Our toddler is definitely getting cabin fever now and she is staring to play up! I have told him I am not happy that he can’t think of anything to do and his answer is “I am not as good as you.” I’ve told him that’s a rubbish excuse and we both started without kids and he needs to learn like I did.

Am I being unreasonable for expecting some support planning things when he’s off? Or should I sort it all because I’m off longer? I realise I can just take our daughter out I just wanted to feel supported? Am I being a bit spoilt here? I’ve walked out the house because I just need to get out! HELP - please tell me straight.

OP posts:
Didimum · 04/08/2025 11:53

Mrsttcno1 · 04/08/2025 11:44

YANBU and I do sometimes think this is where maternity leave & then women working part time can end up shooting us in the foot a bit. Because mum’s (usually) end up having the maternity leave & part time hours we are the ones who have a lot of time to fill with young kids and so we’re the ones who do the research on what’s on where & at what day/time, we join the fb groups, make mum friends out and about who have suggestions, search the internet for things that might be going on or keep an eye on the local playgroups/museums etc because we have the time to fill. It means on any given day of the week I have a little mental list of options for what is on that day, where and what we could do. If you’re a dad who only has 1 day a week off with a child then you probably wouldn’t bother figuring all of that out because for the sake of 1 day, you can play/potter in the house, so it’s more effort for him to have to actually search and think of something to do. It’s certainly not an excuse though, we all have google, facebook etc he could absolutely have a look and I’m thankful my husband doesn’t do this because it would annoy me as well.

Yet when men like this have the incentive (work/something personal for themselves) they miraculously seem to be up to the task. It’s all excuses for bullshit men who put themselves first.

Batherssss · 04/08/2025 11:56

Bllody hell OP, but he is a lazy father.
Rethink any more children.
Start leaving him EVERY friday and be firm.
Men like this only get a lot worse, not better.

pushthebuttonnn · 04/08/2025 11:59

Even getting out for an hour breaks up the day for dc. Any soft play nearby? You can relax while she is in her element 🤗

Mumofoneandone · 04/08/2025 12:05

I'm quite severely disabled and whilst my husband is pretty hands on, I'm the one that does most of the planning and organising for our 2 children. He maybe the one who takes them to the activities, but I've organised and booked them.
Rarely have days out because I'm not physically able to and my DH just doesn't do it. And he only works part time!!
It's very frustrating.

WhereIsMyLight · 04/08/2025 12:42

The excuses for men not giving a shit in this thread are unbelievable. No wonder the bar for men is so, so low.

Yolo12345 · 04/08/2025 12:48

My partner prefers doing sweet FA if at all possible. Everything is organised by me. Kids adore him… I feel your pain.

Original poster
HideBehindTheShed · 04/08/2025 12:55

Thank you so much to all the amazing mumsnetters!

Although the reality of how much of a knob he is being is making me feel really shitty. I feel validated - thank you.

I am not going to rush home. Feeling quiet low about all this in all honesty.

OP posts:
BrendaSmall · 04/08/2025 13:28

99bottlesofkombucha · 04/08/2025 11:31

She doesn’t say he can’t read? Or talk to people? So why doesn’t he know these things? Do they all speak in a language he doesn’t know locally? Mystifying.

Show quote history

Not everyone has social media accounts to find where a majority of things are advertised to!
where I live unless you see it on there no one knows it’s happening!

Batherssss · 04/08/2025 13:34

Unless you leave him with his children regularly, he will neither appreciate you or the load involved.

Talking gets you nowhere.
No need to be angry with him.
Far better to be calm and tell him from now on he will be doing fridays and you will head out on your own, and you will do the same when the baby arrives.

Marriages don't survive if the load isn't shared.

Resentment and dislike seep in and its the beginning of the end.

He needs to understand this.
This is why every single Marriage I know that ended in divorce, ended.

Not cheating, but wives not wanting to live with selfish useless men.

Brefugee · 04/08/2025 14:01

SomeOfTheTrouble · 04/08/2025 10:38

He’s not the sole earner, the OP stayed clearly in her post that she works in a school.

Show quote history

she's going on mat leave soon presumably, and i was giving examples

Brefugee · 04/08/2025 14:02

HideBehindTheShed · 04/08/2025 10:39

Thank you for your reply. I work in a leadership role in a school. I earn significantly more than DH. (I didn’t think this was relevant so kept it out) He works part time as a result. He does not work Fridays anyway so does childcare Fridays. They normally stay in the house on Fridays, local park or a play center we have visited as a family.

Edited
Show quote history

so you are a bright woman. Tell him to step up.

don't put up with the idiocy and the laziness.

SomeOfTheTrouble · 04/08/2025 14:08

Brefugee · 04/08/2025 14:01

she's going on mat leave soon presumably, and i was giving examples

Show quote history

Most people get mat pay.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/08/2025 18:04

He's lazy

Could have done cinema, soft play etc

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/08/2025 18:17

HideBehindTheShed · 04/08/2025 10:14

I need to start this by saying I’m currently 7 1/2 months pregnant so can’t quite figure out if I’m just being extremely hormonal.

Me and DH have a DD who is 2 1/2. I am very very fortunate to work in a school so I am currently off for 6 weeks. So I can cover childcare. Which I know is a fortunate position to be in.

DH has 5 days off work last week into this week. Thurs until today. I asked him if he wanted to do anything. When he was hesitant. I also asked him to think of something we could do because I’ve got to think of things for the next 6 weeks so any support from him would be helpful. I don’t mean big expensive days out. I am happy to bake, paint, jump in puddles, go the local park, play in the garden and I also think it’s important for our toddler to stay in, figure out what to do herself when she’s bored - obviously just not everyday. After what felt like me nagging he suggested one activity, it’s a climbing activity that we love doing as a family but obviously in my current state I can’t do - he wanted us to do it as a family. Today he suggested putting wet suits on and going the park. Where we live their is currently a weather warning - with risk to life. I don’t mind getting out in any weather just not dangerous weather.

This is what our week has looked like…
Thurs - went food shopping then stayed in.
Friday - stayed in
Saturday - stayed in (went out for a meal with family Saturday night - organised by me)
Sunday - stayed in.
Monday - after I’ve said no, because of the weather warning looks like we’re staying in.

Our toddler is definitely getting cabin fever now and she is staring to play up! I have told him I am not happy that he can’t think of anything to do and his answer is “I am not as good as you.” I’ve told him that’s a rubbish excuse and we both started without kids and he needs to learn like I did.

Am I being unreasonable for expecting some support planning things when he’s off? Or should I sort it all because I’m off longer? I realise I can just take our daughter out I just wanted to feel supported? Am I being a bit spoilt here? I’ve walked out the house because I just need to get out! HELP - please tell me straight.

I don’t think YABU for suggesting going out but he obviously isn’t that good at planning and doesn’t have imagination, so sounds like you need to take charge and plan what you’re doing as a family.

Straycats · 04/08/2025 18:18

Agix · 04/08/2025 10:31

You're an adult and can decide what you want to do.

You're not trying to get him to entertain his child, you're trying to get him to entertain you because you're bored.

He suggested climbing, for the kid. You cant do that, so you don't want to go and watch from the sidelines. You are not thinking about the kid, you're thinking about you.

He probably wants to chill and enjoy the short amount of time off he gets without having to entertain another adult.

Im not saying he is being responsible here, but just want to put it bluntly - don't pretend it's the child you want activities for. It's for you. Else you'd have gone to watch them go climbing, for your kid.

Next time, you think of something you want to do. Tell him you're leaving the kid with him to take care of whilst you go and entertain yourself out the house. Meeting a friend or something.

It's win-win - you stop being bored if it all goes ahead, and I bet you he'll end up thinking of appropriate family things to do together anyway and suggest those instead of you going out alone, so he's not left alone with her.

You are part of the problem, accepting male incompetence/laziness and laying blame on the wife!
My husband and millions others take their families out, to activities that the whole family can enjoy. Neither of us would have enjoyed being cooped up indoors, good or bad weather.
It’s being part of a family and being considerate.

Spies · 04/08/2025 18:30

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/08/2025 18:17

I don’t think YABU for suggesting going out but he obviously isn’t that good at planning and doesn’t have imagination, so sounds like you need to take charge and plan what you’re doing as a family.

Show quote history

Why do so many people think this is acceptable. Nobody is that poor at planning or lacking imagination that they can't find something to do with their child for a few days. Those that want to will and those that don't simply won't bother. It's not a he can't problem it's a he can't be arsed problem. Imagine if the OP wasn't bothered and decided to stop planning stuff.

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