Husband and Childcare?

[HideBehindTheShed]

I need to start this by saying I’m currently 7 1/2 months pregnant so can’t quite figure out if I’m just being extremely hormonal.

Me and DH have a DD who is 2 1/2. I am very very fortunate to work in a school so I am currently off for 6 weeks. So I can cover childcare. Which I know is a fortunate position to be in.

DH has 5 days off work last week into this week. Thurs until today. I asked him if he wanted to do anything. When he was hesitant. I also asked him to think of something we could do because I’ve got to think of things for the next 6 weeks so any support from him would be helpful. I don’t mean big expensive days out. I am happy to bake, paint, jump in puddles, go the local park, play in the garden and I also think it’s important for our toddler to stay in, figure out what to do herself when she’s bored - obviously just not everyday. After what felt like me nagging he suggested one activity, it’s a climbing activity that we love doing as a family but obviously in my current state I can’t do - he wanted us to do it as a family. Today he suggested putting wet suits on and going the park. Where we live their is currently a weather warning - with risk to life. I don’t mind getting out in any weather just not dangerous weather.

This is what our week has looked like…
Thurs - went food shopping then stayed in.
Friday - stayed in
Saturday - stayed in (went out for a meal with family Saturday night - organised by me)
Sunday - stayed in.
Monday - after I’ve said no, because of the weather warning looks like we’re staying in.

Our toddler is definitely getting cabin fever now and she is staring to play up! I have told him I am not happy that he can’t think of anything to do and his answer is “I am not as good as you.” I’ve told him that’s a rubbish excuse and we both started without kids and he needs to learn like I did.

Am I being unreasonable for expecting some support planning things when he’s off? Or should I sort it all because I’m off longer? I realise I can just take our daughter out I just wanted to feel supported? Am I being a bit spoilt here? I’ve walked out the house because I just need to get out! HELP - please tell me straight.

YANBU.
It’s partly the ‘mental load’ thing, but also it’s better for his relationship with his kids if he can figure out things to do with them and also of course wants to spend time with them. I think many parents (of both sexes) can struggle when kids are very small, especially preverbal, but yours is at an age when they’re starting to be interested in so many things - often quite simple ones will do.

If you’re aware of all this going on why not suggest it?
Obviously your husband doesn’t know these things exist!
My husband would always take our 3 off for a walk or to the park and I’d take them to activities because I knew where and what time they were going to be happening!

Well presumably he can find out this stuff just like the OP did. It's not like only mums get memos about what's happening in the area for kids.

Why couldn't they go climbing while you watched? If the weather is a risk to life why have you gone out but said no when he suggested it?
Tbh if I had come up with two activities and been told no to both of them I wouldn't bother suggesting anything either.
Sounds like you were going to say no to everything so you could moan at him. And neither of you come off particularly well in this. You both know your child is bored being at home. You are bored being at home. You are an adult so able to go out but you have let your child stay at home bored for another day. I suspect if your husband does something with your child that will be wrong too.

No doubt she’s aware these things exist because she’s taken the time and effort to research it. Why can’t he do that?

He sounds useless. What had he planned to do with his five days off work? Sit on the sofa and watch you walk in and out of the door with DC? Or be ferried around as an extra child to the activities you'd planned.

I'm amazed you got to day five, to be honest. I'd take the day for yourself, go and get a massage, and meet a friend for dinner or go to the cinema. When you get back don't feel guilty, tell him that he is about to get the shock of his life if he doesn't come alive and pull his finger out, you are about to be parents to two children, and you need a partner not a sack of spuds.

Because while he spends his evening scrolling twitter and playing games on his phone I spend my evenings looking for things to do with a toddler in our area. I don’t see why he can’t help with this when I’ve asked him.

Sorry I don’t think I was clear. It is climbing through the hills and looking at the waterfalls by where we live not a climbing centre. So I said “You two go it’ll be fun, I can’t go climbing this heavily pregnant.” He replied “I don’t want to go without you.”

Taking a toddler outdoors to a park when there is a risk to life warning in place is dangerous. I drove to our local library.

She doesn’t say he can’t read? Or talk to people? So why doesn’t he know these things? Do they all speak in a language he doesn’t know locally? Mystifying.

Oh, that's a bit crap of him.

I assume you always do the planning? Does he normally do stuff with your child or do you do it all? If you do it, he probably hasn't got a clue what's on and what's suitable. You've learned how to find stuff out, he hasn't bothered.

For the time being, he probably isnt going to plan well enough. So you plan something for him to do and shove him out the door with child. Do it regularly and he'll start building up knowledge of what's going on locally so then in a few months you can step back on the planning.

Yes, it's mollycoddling him. But you probably don't want a massive row while pregnant, so I'd personally go for the smoother path.

I make a point of regularly pushing my DH out with the children. Honestly he'd just sit on his laptop all summer otherwise. Generally i make a suggestion but he's able to make a counter offer if there's something he'd rather take them too. He hates soft play so I suggest that to make him put thought into alternatives!

You should have gone out and left him to it with the toddler!

So the 2 things he 'suggested' are things you can't really do: climb or put on a wetsuit yourself.

He really is leaving it all to you to sort, isn't he.

I'd leave him with the DCs for the rest of the day and go out and get some you time.

He's lazy and stupid. You should have married someone on the same level as you, emotionally, intellectually, and in terms of career ambition/progression.

I wouldn't be happy with his sub-par contribution to family life.

When I get time off work, I don’t want to do stuff and go places because that’s normal life. I want to get up slowly, wear PJs, and potter catching up around the house.

But-

I don’t have a toddler. So either tell him the toddler needs walking so get her out and about while you stay in and rest, or go out and leave him to it so he ‘gets’ it.

He is the at home parent for a day a week while the op works :(. But I agree- you should come up with something for him to do with the child on his own, and say I’m going to rest, my blood pressure went through the roof at you making not one but two completely unsuitable suggestions- that your heavily pregnant wife go climbing near waterfalls, and that your wife and your toddler go out to ‘danger to life’ conditions. You go out and practice keeping jsut the 2yo alive, you clearly can’t possibly keep both of us safe and alive so I’ll stay here and look after myself.

Hmm I am split on this. When my kids were younger I always wanted to be doing something and taking the kids out. I also only work term time so I am home with the children throughout all the holidays. I don't think I appreciated the fact that my husband only gets 22 days off a year, so while I was keen to always be out and about, he was quite happy (and still is) to be at home.
Mine are now older and it's more of a challenge to get them out, but I can see it from his perspective that with his limited time off he doesn't want to be doing things.
Also I feel like I am more of the planner and will find things to do, but there are other household things he will do that balances things out.
You say he would normally do something on a Friday, so why didn't he do that last week?

I work in a school too...massive perk when it comes to childcare costs but when do you get a break? Dad can take his AL when he wants to get a day to himself, why hasnt he suggested you have some time to yourself during 5 whole days?!

YANBU and I do sometimes think this is where maternity leave & then women working part time can end up shooting us in the foot a bit. Because mum’s (usually) end up having the maternity leave & part time hours we are the ones who have a lot of time to fill with young kids and so we’re the ones who do the research on what’s on where & at what day/time, we join the fb groups, make mum friends out and about who have suggestions, search the internet for things that might be going on or keep an eye on the local playgroups/museums etc because we have the time to fill. It means on any given day of the week I have a little mental list of options for what is on that day, where and what we could do. If you’re a dad who only has 1 day a week off with a child then you probably wouldn’t bother figuring all of that out because for the sake of 1 day, you can play/potter in the house, so it’s more effort for him to have to actually search and think of something to do. It’s certainly not an excuse though, we all have google, facebook etc he could absolutely have a look and I’m thankful my husband doesn’t do this because it would annoy me as well.

YANBU he has to step up ASAP. He sounds lazy and useless from what you have said. There will be nowhere to hide with 2 children and he needs to sort himself out

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. Just to clarify a few things…

I have walked out, I left just after 9am this morning.

The activities he generally does on a Friday are things we’ve previously done or things I’ve arranged - this has not rubbed of him as he’s not been proactive in finding anything else to do.

I assume he didn’t give this Friday a thought because I was off.

Since we’ve been together he’s never worked Fridays so he used to get a very long weekend with lots of time to himself. Although he was very proactive at cleaning and fixing things around the house. Toddler still naps so even though I get long periods of half terms of he’s off Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I am not on maternity leave. I went back after 9 months. I work full time. He works part time.

Your son is 2.5 and you're pregnant with a second and you've only just noticed this now?

@HideBehindTheShed he being lazy and taking it for granted you will sort it out.
On the other hand he suggested going out and you said no and went out anyway ?
Id have out the suits on and taken the chance while you can before locked in the rest of the day. .
I wouldn’t make this afternoon easy though . She’s him to the shop and gets. Family “Sunday” roast on all pitch in mainly him and chat around the kitchen table and play snap cards. .
no tv .
Then later a movie before bed . And he does the pots

Funny when people like this are faced with an unfamiliar work task they suddenly gain the skills to be able to tackle it. Same very likely goes for your DH.

YANBU and with now two kids in tow, he will had to learn how to become a better parents or you will have a very unhappy and resentful marriage on your hands. He very clearly sees it as women’s work.

My DH organises a great deal with our twins. But he did do 6 months parental leave with them so he is every bit a primary parents as much as I am.

Of course he doesn’t want to go with you . He needs his childcare around. .
nope I’d be telling him he needs to step up and do stuff alone as you need rest .

I wouldn’t do a water all walk with the weather warming but you can go somewhere local even around the village

Bloody hell. All sympathy I had for him goes out the window.