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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 6 year old daughter is a nightmare on playdates

86 replies

Joddlebod · 03/08/2025 16:10

The past 3/4 times my daughter has had friends round, she is an absolute nightmare, I am at the end of my tether with it. She always falls out with whoever has come round and thinks they are out to get her/ shouting at her/ they won’t play what she wants. This is with different children as well, so it’s not an issue with it being 1 certain child. They always seem bemused when she is saying things things, e.g. she came to me when her friend was last here saying they wouldn’t play with her/ were saying mean things to her sister - however they kept saying what shall we play/ what’s wrong etc, and her sister (3) was happily playing along with her.

it does subside and she gets over it, but
it will probably happen for 20 mins x 2, over an average 3 hour play date.

is this normal 6 year old behaviour or AIBU to stop any future play dates until this behaviour stops?

OP posts:
hoohaal · 03/08/2025 16:14

That must be really hard and people will likely want to stop playing with her.

I would stop the play dates, or could you invite a friend over and pre-warn your Daughter that they will be sent home if she acts up. Then actually do send the child home until she stops the behaviour? Could pre-empt it with the kids Mum so they know they may expect a call?

Fourteenandahalf · 03/08/2025 16:16

I wouldn't do play dates. Arrange to meet up at the park or similar instead. Less intense.
My dd is six and she has a friend who behaves like your daughter. I didn't realise she was having a horrible time going round to play until she had been a few times and finally told me. It's not enjoyable for either child.

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · 03/08/2025 16:18

When you play with her, do you tend to let her win/follow her lead? Maybe you could hold off the playdates for a while and spend some time encouraging turn-taking and sharing when you play with her? Don't let her hog the best role or take toys that you're holding because she fancies them - she'll need to learn give and take.

TizerorFizz · 03/08/2025 16:22

It’s not great and she won’t retain friends, unfortunately. Maybe do 2 hours and not after school. Take them out for a couple of hours. I had one incident like this with DD1 and it was with the child of a friend we hadn’t seen for ages. There seemed to be competition for supremacy. In your case I’d back off or do a very short activity at the weekend.

AragornsManlyStubble · 03/08/2025 16:28

My son can be like this and it is so difficult. He’s 8 and aware that his friends may choose not spend time with him if it continues. It happens any time we meet up with a friend anywhere. He gets so lonely but just can’t seem to manage his unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of other people.

Satisfiedwithanapple · 03/08/2025 16:30

TizerorFizz · 03/08/2025 16:22

It’s not great and she won’t retain friends, unfortunately. Maybe do 2 hours and not after school. Take them out for a couple of hours. I had one incident like this with DD1 and it was with the child of a friend we hadn’t seen for ages. There seemed to be competition for supremacy. In your case I’d back off or do a very short activity at the weekend.

Christ on a bike she’s 6 - it’s a phase for whatever reason.

OP just give the play dates a rest. They obviously aren’t working right now.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 03/08/2025 16:32

I don't think she will learn any skills if you just stop the playdates- could you do some intensive mediation at these moments and maybe start a reward chart to help incentivise her to master her emotions and give a prosocial response? You could validate whatever emotion she is feeling but also tell her firmly that the thoughts she's having which are causing the emotion are not based in fact- help her mentalise the other child and their intentions

Mayve · 03/08/2025 16:33

Yes mine did this a bit, he was very intense and hyped everything up in his mind and then reality hit. Can’t remember how we got through it really, lots of reinforcement of behaviour expectations, we had a code word I would use which meant he was spiralling and needed a reset. He’s 9 now and doesn’t have a huge circle of friends but gets on very well with those he does have. I was similar actually and hit my friend stride about year 10! And now have many many many friends.

Pancakeflipper · 03/08/2025 16:34

Make the play date shorter? 3hrs is ongoing when you are young.
Does she behave the same on neutral territory, like the park?

Createausername1970 · 03/08/2025 16:36

My son did this, or went completely the opposite way and got every toy out the cupboard and it was complete carnage.

I stopped doing play dates at home and stuck to meeting at the park.

(Age 20 he was diagnosed ASD, but that's by the by).

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 03/08/2025 16:36

No more playdates.

Meet up at the park or soft play etc. instead.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/08/2025 16:38

Createausername1970 · 03/08/2025 16:36

My son did this, or went completely the opposite way and got every toy out the cupboard and it was complete carnage.

I stopped doing play dates at home and stuck to meeting at the park.

(Age 20 he was diagnosed ASD, but that's by the by).

My dd did it too,Layet diagnosed ASD and ADHD

Original poster
Joddlebod · 03/08/2025 16:39

thanks for your replies and helpful suggestions. She is a sweetie at school - good reports etc, but can argue a lot with her sister (normal sibling type fights). Someone has said their child was intense, my daughter can also be intense and if we are going somewhere / we have plans it’s like she loses her mind and cannot wait, we have to set timers and things so she knows how long she has to wait otherwise she will literally ask every 1 min 😂

OP posts:
popcornpower2025 · 03/08/2025 16:40

Yes my DD is the same so we've really cut back on playdates tbh and I'm very clear that people won't want to come and play if she's like this. She even manages to argue with children I know to be extremely placid and chill

Notquitegrownup2 · 03/08/2025 16:41

My son was similar too. He loved the idea of playdates, but couldn't play. He was too excited/ had very clear expectations of how it was going to be and was so disappointed with the reality.

As others have said, outdoor activities - lots of clubs - and something more structured helped him a lot. Once he got to ten or so, he had worked out how to be.

Also suspect he has ADHD or ASD, but very high functioning and never diagnosed. . .

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 03/08/2025 16:42

Ds is 10.. Been to 1 play date and we have hosted none.
He isn't showing any signs of disadvantage..
Just stop them op.

Original poster
Joddlebod · 03/08/2025 16:45

Notquitegrownup2 · 03/08/2025 16:41

My son was similar too. He loved the idea of playdates, but couldn't play. He was too excited/ had very clear expectations of how it was going to be and was so disappointed with the reality.

As others have said, outdoor activities - lots of clubs - and something more structured helped him a lot. Once he got to ten or so, he had worked out how to be.

Also suspect he has ADHD or ASD, but very high functioning and never diagnosed. . .

This is exactly what it’s like

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 03/08/2025 16:45

They are learning all the social skills they need and for some it's harder than for others. I'd take the 3 year old out of the mix and suggest an activity for the two to do together. My son always wanted friends round, then didn't seem to know what to do with them or had enough quite quickly and wanted them to go home.

BarnOwlFlying · 03/08/2025 16:46

Have you spoken up her about her behaviour? Explained how she needs to think about others feelings? At 6yrs old she should understand that.
Could she have a shorter play date with you closer at hand and a positive reward for leading with kindness?

TizerorFizz · 03/08/2025 16:46

It is a disadvantage not to be able to cooperate or rub along with others. Everyone should help dc to have friends even if they just watch a film!

InfoSecInTheCity · 03/08/2025 16:49

3 hrs is too long, same with parties, the peak time is 2 hrs with some kind of snack/lunch in the middle to give them a few minutes to cool off and refocus. I always tried to include a walk to the park but it’s only 5 mins away so was easy to get to and gave them plenty of space to get away from each other a bit if they needed to. This time of year blackberry picking always went down well for a few minutes, then when we got home they’d wash and eat the scrumped berries.

JiminaSlump · 03/08/2025 16:59

Could it all just be a bit overstimulating for her? I remember having people over in my teens and being really grumpy with how unreasonable they were and it wasn’t until I found out that I’m a massive introvert with a huge need for space away from people to decompress fairly regularly that it all started to make sense. Having people in her space might just be a bit much for her and she doesn’t have the capacity to understand that her frustration is more about her than it is about her friends at the moment.

BertieBotts · 03/08/2025 17:01

This approach will probably be the most helpful, it has helped my son a lot.

I know it says it's for ADHD but I don't think it would be bad if she doesn't have ADHD - it's just a very focused way to coach social skills within the environment, which is needed for ADHD because they find it difficult to bring skills they learn in theory into the environment, so traditional social skills as taught to autistic children through books/courses/therapy often don't work as well.

If you click on the download PDF it opens the article.

chadd.org/attention-article/how-you-can-be-a-friendship-coach-for-your-child-with-adhd/

Namechange2700000 · 03/08/2025 17:02

Some people just don’t like play dates.

Particularly straight from school.

My DS could not handle play dates at all. He just wanted to come home, relax and do what he wanted to do without the pressure of entertaining a friend.

3 hours after school, if that’s when they are happening is also too long….. 2 hours maximum.

Also, are you giving a drink, snack at pickup? This helped my DS to be more balanced before we just stopped altogether.

parietal · 03/08/2025 17:43

Keep the play dates short and highly structured. You can almost set out a timetable like school. Eg.
snack 10 minutes
draw pictures 15 minutes
play with Lego 15 minutes
tidy Lego 5 mins
etc

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