My 6 year old daughter is a nightmare on playdates

[Joddlebod]

The past 3/4 times my daughter has had friends round, she is an absolute nightmare, I am at the end of my tether with it. She always falls out with whoever has come round and thinks they are out to get her/ shouting at her/ they won’t play what she wants. This is with different children as well, so it’s not an issue with it being 1 certain child. They always seem bemused when she is saying things things, e.g. she came to me when her friend was last here saying they wouldn’t play with her/ were saying mean things to her sister - however they kept saying what shall we play/ what’s wrong etc, and her sister (3) was happily playing along with her.

it does subside and she gets over it, but
it will probably happen for 20 mins x 2, over an average 3 hour play date.

is this normal 6 year old behaviour or AIBU to stop any future play dates until this behaviour stops?

How do you deal with it when it happens? Do you tell her off? I’d sharply say “don’t be so silly DD, if you carry on like this nobody will want to be your friend. Shall I take xx home now if you’re going to act silly?” That should snap her out of it.

Google 'social stories' - perhaps making one together in advance of the next play date might help? But if yoir still not getting anywhere I'd just have a break for awhile. My 7yo doesn't have many just due to logistical reasons but she's got loads of friends at school so it's not an issue.

in terms of when it happens, I’ve tried a few things. Spelling out that her friends will not want to play with her if she continues or trying to get involved and steering the playing, neither really work but then after a certain amount of time she snaps out of it. TBH I am not going to have one for a while, in the mean time work on the issue. We are on holiday soon for a few weeks so no doubt will make friends where we are staying so I can keep an eye on how things are going.

she is popular at school and her teachers have always said she is a kind and gentle child, it must just be play dates that bring out this side.

thanks to those posters who have provided links and articles I am going to spend some time looking at them after bed time.

It might be sensible to pause the home playdates for a bit, OP, but the way I would deal with this if it happened in our house (rather than sending playdate child home) would be to have a directed activity like cupcake making or decorating ready to go. Then if the playdate child was being unfairly treated by my DC, I would invite them to come and do it with me and the other DC and tell my DC to go upstairs and take some time by themselves and then they can come and join in when they're feeling more themselves and can behave nicely to everyone.

Playdates are generally ok in our house, but I've sent my DC upstairs to take some time out a couple of times when they've behaved badly. It's more "ok, this is not working, I think you need some time to regroup" rather than "go to your room!!" stuff. I think saying you'll send a child home due to your child's behaviour gives them too much power so I just try to make the playdate fun for the other child if mine's being a PITA. And I'd definitely limit to a couple of hours max.

I would use a doll house type toy to role play these scenarios with her, you coukd act out how she deals with these situations (talk to her how it makes her doll feel when your doll acts like that) and then roleplay other ways to manage it. But I would suggest doing it without mentioning it directly as her actions. Also role play breathing techniques, taking a time away to have a minute to calm down and then return to the fun.
I would also do some playdates at the park, if you can don't take the three year old. If you see conflict then talk daughter through alternative ways to manage it, if she continues with her choices then leave. But obviously have the expectations conversation before.
A playdate at something structured like a music class, or pottery painting type thing might be good too, the structure can help to build skills slowly.

This is me saying this if there are no SEND concerns. Stopping okaydates altogether does not help your daughter develop the skills she clearly struggles with.

I will join the ASD parent chorus and say DD did exactly this. Everything had to be her way, games should be played exactly so.

If I knew then what I knew now I would still invite kids over but have story time beforehand where we discussed all potential eventualities and sharing, and swapping turns and toys.

Most importantly I'd make every playdate a short one, 1 or 2 hours tops and tell her when the person will be leaving. I'd also keep playdates to once or twice a week and keep to just a few friends. Not new kids ever week.

Those are all helpful, and usual suggestions for children with SEND too.

Dd was absolutely adored by teachers in primary. Many ASD girls will pick the "fawn" option from " fight, flight, freeze, fawn" with teachers. She'd be distraught if she thought I was going to tell a teacher she'd been naughty.

Don't do this.

You'll make her feel shit and worry no one wants to be her friend and you'll hate yourself, and you'll really hate yourself if you find out she's got SEND and struggling with social issues and masking with other children.

I would do playdates but much shorter like 1.5-2hr max at the weekend and in neutral spaces for a while. I would also think about how you're setting her up for the playdate eg is she thinking what toys or games to show them and getting stuck on that 'plan' etc rather than focusing on being kind, sharing, taking turns etc maybe adjusting conversations you have in advance will help? I would also consider taking the lead on structuring the playdates and have some activities planned out for now until she's able to navigate free play socialising.

I think it would do no harm to talk to the other parent about it before their child comes round as well so both children are supported to navigate it all.

i have never really considered any additional needs, she seems okay at other kids houses but then im not sure how forthcoming other parents would be if there was an issue.

I asked another mum today who’s house
she has been to a few times and she said no
issues at all. She seems popular at school but i have noticed that she struggles to play when there is more than 1 child.

the main issue is she feels other kids are out to get her, but I am always in ear shot and can honestly say more often than not the other child has never done anything wrong. Same with her sister to be honest but I know siblings have a tendency to wind each other up.

going forward, play dates are absolutely on hold as it is no fun for any of us. Im not saying the entire play date is a disaster but a good portion of it is spent worrying about her behaviour. I literally felt after the last one like i
needed to lie in a dark room for a few hours to decompress 😂 lots of good ideas really appreciate those who have commented to give advice. Plenty to think about.

The reason I posted a link relating to ADHD is that my son has ADHD and also displays these tendencies.

I don't mean to say this means your DD has ADHD. Someone else mentioned a child with ASD who presented similarly, so I think what (all three of us) are seeing separately is basically a child who is becoming overwhelmed with a situation and then becoming hypervigilant as a response. DS definitely does this - when he's wound up and overstimulated (which happens more when there are more people around) he becomes massively reactive and whatever happens to him it's almost as though it's magnified x10. So his brother might go to touch his train track and DS will react as though he's just smashed the entire track with a mallet - because it feels that intrusive to him.

He doesn't do it so much any more but it used to be as well that to try and cope with the confusion of other people he would be controlling and try to tell them what to do.

I think it's possible that having a general tendency towards becoming overstimulated by a certain scenario would have a similar result, which might or might not be part of a wider SEN profile. It could just be a weak area where she'll catch up.

yeah makes sense, what do you do in those scenarios to calm things? I think I need to re think how I handle the situation and try and be a bit more sensitive

My son has adhd. Generally okay with playdates now, but i do a few things before it starts:
-explain the plan: I set the scene in a short, succinct way. I usually tell him the end phrase I will use and what we will do to end it. When it is our house he tends to be far more excited/harder to manage his feelings. So i encourage him to put special toys that he isn't willing to share in my room, kids aren't allowed in my room during playdates. I also suggest an activity before the other child arrives, usually something they have in common, or water play or something general. This helps to structure the playdate. I then have a snack prepared before so I'm nearby if he struggles. I also have a backup activity in my head incase free play doesn't happen naturally, or they aren't agreeing so I distract with the new thing.
I also consistently use the same plan no matter where if he starts to feel 'fizzy'. He's used to it now. I take him by both hands, bend down for eye contact, and i ask him to come with me to just 'have a minutes peace because your feeling a bit fizzy right now'. We then go and do breathing exercises. We practice these breathing techniques like blow the candle out, box breathing etc when he is completely calm so this has really helped when the feelings begin to build.
We roleplay, but I do it with what he likes (cars, tanks). I read books and we talk about the characters, and if I can't find a book that fits the scenario then I make up 'once upon a time' stories which for my son includes robots, army, aliens but always has a moral or story to support his learning about social situations.
I used to have to hover a little when we were having playdates, no distractions for me. Now I rarely need to involve myself. And he has great playdates inside and outside of the house.
It's tough, but every emotion is your child trying to communicate with you, whether they are or are not SEN. What is your child trying to tell you? That she struggles with these social interactions. If, and i mean if, SEN is a part of it then I think it's the same process but take it slower, it may take more understanding, time and calmness from you, and the more it links to the kid's interests then the better.
How can you teach her? What does she need to learn, break it into little chunks and not one big problem..

If she’s ok at school it’s not send! They really will have spotted issues and they haven’t. Every single issue is a sen red flag these days. Poor child! It’s more of a my house, my way. She’s immature at playing. It’s not that unusual either. So change interactions with others and do shorter bursts.

Would it be worth trying a short play date at a weekend? If she is holding it together in school all day, a play date afterwards might be a step too far.

Agree.

All six year olds have dubious social skills at times because they are six.

@Satisfiedwithanapple Exactly. We have such a rush to label dc. It’s utterly wrong.

At that age I used to limit free play unless they could cope with it and played nicely. In a few years you'll have play dates where all you have to do is provide snacks, but not at 6. You need activities that are fun that you run. Time in the garden or park is great but again I'd try and direct activities. A drink and a snack to break up the time. A craft activity or baking or drawing etc but I would be supervising closely. If you think your DD needs a little downtime cartoons for 15mins with a hot chocolate just to chill. Really try and make sure her friends enjoy coming to your house even if your DD isn't why they had fun.

Shorten the play date. And finish them before she gets tetchy.

firm rules before eg you are the host they are the guest. You are rude to them you will go to your room.
let her temper tantrum and send her to her room and ignore

Playdates can be really overwhelming for little children they don't know what to do with themselves so it ends in "tears" i was never a fan when mine were young, we would go to neutral territory like the park or soft play and just a few times a month the back and forth reciprocating also can be never ending and stressful.

OP just stop them for a while or cut down she isn't coping with friends in her space touching her stuff and I don't think it is fair on any of them she might be branded as "difficult " and she is only 6.

And as a pp said you need to run the activities.

Role play, role play, role play.
It is likely that your little girl is a bit overwhelmed on playdates. It could be the sense of other people in her space, or playing with her belongings, or if she is the oldest child, not having had play dates role modelled. When my girls were that age, if problems arose, we would concentrate on the skills needed for playdates. 'It sounds like playing with the jigsaw with X was hard earlier, what happened?' Get a sense of the trigger and then say 'Okay let's act out how to sort that out.' and let her go through all the scenarios. Ask her how she feels (angry) and how the other kid feels (hurt, bit afraid in new house, feels she does not like them) and get her think of the best way, you could role play the other kids. This is all a skills development thing, role play and using play in general, was a game changer for us, we played out everything, problems, if kids were going to something new, i.e. hospital appt etc. Play is the language of kids. Hope it works for ye too

Kindly meant, but my autistic daughter was never spotted in school. Neither was her profound dsylexia....because she is very bright and very good at masking, with a photographic memory.

We only realised at 14 when I joined a lot of dots.....eventually.
She is high achieving in every area, sports, academics, music, beautifully behaved in school, great friends.
She is still autistic and dsylexic.
Girls get missed all the time.

OP, maybe play dates after school are too much.
Fresh air and exercise might be better.
Play dates at the weekend for a while.
School can be tiring if she has been masking.

Neither was mine. Then she went into burnout during A levels. And that was the end of A levels.

She was quiet and compliant at school. Schools don’t pick up female presentations because they hide it so well.