To think my almost 13yr old dd is absolutely fine.

[namechangediscount]

I have recently been told my dd is behind for her age by mil. My dd is a intelligent kind and funny girl. All her teachers tell me she is great and doing very well in all her subjects at school. She plays football at lunchtime at school with her friends . She still plays with lego but mainly builds sets and displays them same with toy cars She displays in her room.
When I take her younger brothers to softplay she still enjoys going in and playing with them ( this is allowed as she is a sibling supporting younger siblings)

My niece is the same age and into makeup her phone etc She also is a smart funny girl who gets along with dd well despite being so different to eachother.

Mil thinks dd should be more like niece and dd is behind. Apparently I'm doing her no favours. All this was said after I told mil I'm taking dd to the lego store as a treat as she's being a absolute star recently

Clearly my nieces who liked hair, makeup AND Lego would have blown your MIL's mind.

One of them is now very happily studying engineering. Perhaps your MIL would rather girls stuck to hairdressing?

Maybe an eyeroll and hinting to MIL she is oldfashioned would work.

Believe it or not you can be into make up and fashion and into sport and Lego and engineering

It's disappointing to see people on this thread (and elsewhere) reduce this to some kind of binary. That's a harmful type of stereotyping in its own right.

Exactly, it's weird and misogynistic to imply it is somehow "lesser" to be into things like makeup and fashion that Lego or sport.

And it's also hugely reductive to assume this is an either /or set of interests

As a teen I could look glammed up and clubbing ready one day and be out on the water holding my own in rough weather in sailing races against men and boys the next.

I loved makeup and fashion, I also nerded away reading geology books for fun.

I never saw any of my hobbies as inherently better or worse

Both your DD and your niece sound totally normal.

One of my own nieces was very like your DD at 12/13. Her little sister is now that age and is much more like your niece. Different strokes and all that - it’s all good.

This too.

I guess there's a lot going on, incorrect assumptions and prejudice wise, in the MIL's criticism. The confusion about gender stereotypes and misunderstanding of what constitutes maturity is a lot to unpick.

In the end, both girls sound as though they are lovely and doing fine - neither one "better" or more mature than the other, from the little snapshot offered.

I agree 100% Both girls are a delight to be around. One thing both girls have in common is the ability to get along with people so different to themselves
Same can't be said for some adults.

Next time she says anything, just eye roll and say “yeah whatever” and don’t give it a second thought. Let your DD be whoever she wants to be.

You sound as bad as the MIL.
Why would the OP need to drag her neice down to lift up her daughter?
Just because the niece likes make up it doesn't mean she's not self confident or is less mature. Both girls are different and that's ok.

It could be genuine concern. I think she sounds fine but maybe your MIL has noticed several other little things? The reason I say this is my bf has a 12 nearly 13 year old and I am concerned that he has additional needs that haven’t been picked up on yet by parents. Many reasons for this. I haven’t told my bf as he will be deeply offended but it’s genuinely coming from a place of concern and because I am worried he is missing out on extra help he may need at school. I have suggested he looks at the school report (which he hasn’t yet- long story) to see how he is getting on. Without seeing the report he won’t know if the school have raised anything.

If you and the school have no concerns I wouldn’t worry but I would always listen to someone raising concerns in case there is more behind it than they are initially saying.

if your MIl is usually malicious then this advice won’t be relevant!

As a 53 year old mum of a DS13 and DD16 I think your MIL is just a dixk! Sorry but children don’t all want to wear makeup to try and pull a partner or use phones - my DD and DS both do loads of other things, Dd isn’t interested in make up etc and these days it’s bait all about shagging like it often was in the 80’s … you’re a virgin was a no-no … now
the kids don’t care … thank god! Your MIL is a dinosaur

I think all girls mature differently. My eldest is 12 and she still plays with her Sylvannian toys but she does have a good group of friends. She isn’t obsessed with her phone so we let her play. She’s also very bright so we leave her be. I have introduced her to a skincare regime that is appropriate for her but that’s about it.

Dh was about 12 when he told one of his friends he still played with his childhood toys and they laughed at him. MIL said to him, please don’t think you are ever to old to play! He said it is one of the most salient memories of his childhood. (And he kept playing).

Your dd sounds perfectly fine. My 12 year old dd jumps on the trampoline with her friends and builds dens and rides her bike and builds big hotels for snails. She would definitely go in soft play with her brother. One of her friends is really into Lego and has a whole room full with Lego sets he’s built.

There are 12 year olds growing up too fast. One of her friends is into skincare and has a TikTok with lots of creepy pervs following her and is allowed to drink cider at home. It’s not something to be aspired to.

MIL better keep those comments away from DD ears! There is no normal, they are just two different human beings. I would have to chase my 13 yo down to get make up anywhere near her. Most of her friends would probably be the same.
I actually remember being 12-13 and still playing with toys at home but feeling forced to grow up too quickly when I was at school. Make up, worrying about my appearance, attention from boys all came too quickly.
Even when all my friends got phones I remember secretly not really wanting one because I wanted a break from all that pressure when I got home.

Shrug and say different personalities and different interests - be boring old world if we were all the same and give it no more thought.

There is not some set of evolutionary stages all teens girls go though in order involving phones and make-up. I did like PP wonder if she was hinting at ND but if you've no worries and no-one else has mentioned anything - I think that would be less likely.