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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit put out with my friend..

34 replies

PinkMoonRising · 03/08/2025 08:54

This isn’t a friendship ender or deal breaker, but just want to know AIBU with these thoughts?

I booked a caravan holiday with my 2 kids, costing £400. I invited my friend and her children. I didn’t expect nor would’ve taken it but when I invited her there was no “wow thank you, are you sure you don’t want anything towards it?” No offer at all.

I bought all the food which cost close to £150. I paid for the activities.

the children were not sleeping and she had other plans which I knew about anyway, so she left early.

i didn’t get a thank you, any offer towards anything, nothing. To be honest she moaned a bit about the kids, the price of the activities, the site. Didn’t even buy my kids an ice cream, and as she left she bought her own kids some toys and nothing for mine.

I feel awful saying this as otherwise she’s such a brilliant friend. AIBU?

OP posts:
Oldjumperfluff · 03/08/2025 08:58

“Don’t cast your pearls before swine”. I had to learn the hard way that you can’t control people’s behaviour through kindness. You assume that people are automatically motivated towards being grateful but they are not and you can’t make them.

Some people are never grateful and are unlikely to change. She does seem rude and ungrateful, don’t do anything like that for her again.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/08/2025 09:01

That's pretty poor. I wouldn't offer again and it would change my opinion of her.

Is she really a brilliant friend? Is this out of character?

Geneticsbunny · 03/08/2025 09:04

She should have said thank you and offered to share the cost of food and treats but I think it is fine for her to just buy toys for her kids. Sounds like neither of you communicated the rules of the trip very well and both had different expectations. She might have thought she was doing you a huge favour by coming to keep you company?

RabbitsRock · 03/08/2025 09:04

That’s poor OP & I’m with DisplayPurposesOnly - is she really a brilliant friend?

TwelvePercent · 03/08/2025 09:05

It's really rude. Do the kids say please & thank you?

Challk it up to experience and don't ask her again. Hopefully all the kids had a great time together.

Chamomileteaplease · 03/08/2025 09:06

As a PP, it is hard to believe that she is normally "brilliant" and then suddenly becomes rude, ungrateful and grabby! Are you sure she is normally a decent friend??

Also, I could understand you offering her accommodation as you are paying anyway and invited her later but why on earth would you pay for her food and activities??

I am sorry your holiday was spoiled.

Katflapkit · 03/08/2025 09:08

I think the wording is key here. YOU booked a holiday and INVITED her and her kids. She doesn't feel she needs to offer anything as it was an invitation.

However, she is a CF to turn up empty handed, not go halves on a shop or pay for a kid's activity. She could have got everyone a take away etc. She would have still been paying for food back home, even if money was a bit tight. Does she have form for being a CF?

I would also be miffed. You may not see it as friendship ending but it would put an end to me inviting the Moaning Minnie away in the future.

StrawberryCranberry · 03/08/2025 09:10

That's very rude! She sounds entitled.

MyOliveStork · 03/08/2025 09:11

Remember the fun parts of the holiday, put the negative thoughts away somewhere so you don’t continue to feel bitter towards her if you want to continue the friendship. However make a mental note NOT to be generous towards this friend and her children again and certainly don’t invite her to share anything like this with you again.
We’ve all been there and learnt the hard way about a friendship at some point. Just learn from the experience and don’t repeat it!!!!!

LegalllyBrunette · 03/08/2025 09:15

Chamomileteaplease · 03/08/2025 09:06

As a PP, it is hard to believe that she is normally "brilliant" and then suddenly becomes rude, ungrateful and grabby! Are you sure she is normally a decent friend??

Also, I could understand you offering her accommodation as you are paying anyway and invited her later but why on earth would you pay for her food and activities??

I am sorry your holiday was spoiled.

This

Bearhunt468 · 03/08/2025 09:16

Have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar. Unfortunately some people do see it as you "hosting them" for all of it when you invite them somewhere.

Screamingabdabz · 03/08/2025 09:19

I couldn’t be friends with someone like that. She sounds selfish and grabby.

Moonnstars · 03/08/2025 09:19

Depends on the expectations of the trip and how you offered it to her - 'I have booked a holiday and have room for extra people as part of the cost' or 'I have booked a holiday, would you like to come and split the costs?' As you had already paid for the van she might have assumed on that part that you would be paying the price regardless of her and her kids being there so might have felt that she didn't need to contribute to this part.
I do feel like she was cheeky not contributing to food and activities - how was this organised though? Did you do a shop together? Did you say you were getting food in? Ordering out? This you could have organised better - 'I am going to buy some bits for breakfast and lunch, do you want to stop off and buy some too or are you planning on eating out for all meals?' If you were eating out, just order at the bar your own meals and then let her order hers and her children's.
Same with activities - 'my kids really want to do the craft activity. Would yours want to do it too? It's £5 per child if you want me to book them onto it'.
I think you needed to make things clearer that you were doing things for you and your children and setting out the expectation she could be part of that if she wanted, but she would need to pay.

Endofyear · 03/08/2025 09:23

She doesn't sound like a brilliant friend - she sounds like a cheeky fucker! You are at fault too though - why did you buy all the food and pay for activities? I would have just told her to chip in.

Tablesandchairs23 · 03/08/2025 09:25

I get her not offering to pay towards holiday you said it was ok. She should have definitely paid towards food and activities. She's a cf. Don't be so generous with her in future.

Fountofwisdom · 03/08/2025 09:28

In what ways exactly is she otherwise a ‘brilliant’ friend? Because she’s clearly a selfish cf in this instance.

In my long experience, people who are tight with money are tight in every other aspect of life too, practically and emotionally.

Praying4Peace · 03/08/2025 09:29

I understand where you are coming from OP.
It seems her expectations differed from what you expected of her.
I know some people who come across as entitled and unappreciative and it is difficult to change that mindset.
In your friend's place, I would have been extremely appreciative and would have bought a load of groceries at the least

Tagyoureit · 03/08/2025 09:32

That would annoy me too. Not even paying for a lunch out to say thanks or even buying your kids an ice cream!! So wrong!

janehopper · 03/08/2025 09:39

Didn't this happen ages ago and you posted about it before?

Wishimaywishimight · 03/08/2025 09:44

Why didn't you share the cost of food and activities? She sounds awful but you could have opened your mouth and said "I got the last shop, you can get get this one" or whatever. Did ypu just meekly pay for everything while she stood by?

She sees ypu as a mug and I very much doubt this is the first time.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/08/2025 09:46

Doesn't sound a "brilliant" friend to me!

Tollington · 03/08/2025 09:47

It would be the first and last time she was invited to join

PinkyFlamingo · 03/08/2025 09:48

But why on earth didn't you speak about the cost of food in the first place! You invited her to stay not fund her and her kids food! Let me guess ...you don't like confrontation and are a people pleaser. 🙄

pictoosh · 03/08/2025 09:59

I kind of agree with Pinkyflamingo there - I'm bemused as to why you just took on the spending on food and activities? A discussion about who is paying for what is normal.

Original poster
PinkMoonRising · 03/08/2025 10:24

No I’ve never posted about this before. It’s the first time I’ve had any kind of break away in a couple of years since separating from my ex husband. It’s not even that I’d have taken the money from her, it’s just a half hearted “are you sure you don’t want anything?” Would’ve been nice? I said I was getting the food before we left and it wasn’t a case of ok you get this and I’ll get that, she just said “oh I don’t need to bring anything then” it just got me when she turned up back at the caravan with toys for her kids and hadn’t even bought mine a bar of chocolate.

other than this she IS a good friend. She’s supportive, caring, a friend you can call at 2am and she’d be there at 2.30.

OP posts: