Sister in law weird behaviour

[idontknowwhereiam]

To cut a long story short I have 2 sister in laws. One of them I’m really close with, the other completely opposite. I’ve been nothing but respectful towards the other one even though she’s always the one to cause a drama and make a problem out of everything. We have never really gotten along but I’ve always been there for her and my nieces and nephews despite not being her biggest fan of weird behaviour, she would throw digs here and there, talk behind my back to her sister, would have a problem with me without me doing anything like for example she had a problem I went on my own holiday with MY husband & MY child? 🤣 if I said no to babysitting (very rare I say no) but on this occasion I didn’t have my own son and I got hit with you don’t want to know my kids card. If I did things with my child and my other sister in laws children she would have a problem, even stuff like me just visiting her sisters house to pop in for a cup of tea and her sister messages asking why I am there, or if she knows I’m there she goes in a mood with her sister 🤷🏼‍♀️Recently I’ve been tipped over the edge of some stuff she’s been doing and saying as it’s always a toxic circle of her having a problem or making a problem and playing victim, me then apologising to keep the peace for her sister (enough though I haven’t done anything) and then going back to the start and I have decided to completely distance myself now as her behaviour keeps on getting worse. I still get her children birthday presents Christmas presents etc even though I never get a thank you I always do as the kids have done nothing wrong. She says to her sister that she doesn’t have a problem with me but her actions say other wise, not speaking to me in person, passive aggressive behaviour towards me and my child, the list goes on and her sister knows that. She recently removed me off social media (which is fair enough) but then complained to her sister that I didn’t message her son a happy birthday (I don’t have her phone number and I already dropped a present and a card off) her sister has a daughter who’s birthday is coming up this week coming and she’s invited everyone. The sister who has a problem asked if I was going (of course I am, I am really close to my other sister in law and her children and she knows this) and has made a big thing of it saying she’s not going if I go. Obviously that puts me in a uncomfortable position and it also puts her sister in a uncomfortable situation as she’s basically saying pick her or me. I just don’t know what to do about her, I’m still going to support my niece and her birthday, and I will always be respectful but I’m just so drained of it now I’ve put up with it for 7 years, but it just always feel like I’m made out to be a problem when I’ve kept to myself. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by distancing myself but the more I have distanced the more it seems to piss her off, but I’m constantly having messages off her sister complaining that she’s complaining to her. I just don’t know what to do. I recently went on holiday and turned my phone off for a week and it was so nice and calm I wish I could go back but the day I got back I got message after message of her sister complaining about her sister’s behaviour

Does sound weird. Does the SIL you are distancing yourself from get on with everyone else, maybe this is a pattern of behaviour? Or is this behaviour just aimed at you? Maybe she is jealous of the relationship you have with her sister?

I think if I were you, I’d be getting my partner to deal with this- his family, he can sort it between siblings. He should talk to them both and be clear to the SIL with the problem that you will be going to the party with him (unless when he talks to her she has a valid reason for not wanting to be with you that your partner then needs to sort with you) If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to go.

Seems to me her behaviour is getting worse because she has been kind of getting away with it. She sounds quite manipulative and you have been trying to keep the peace so apologising for things you haven’t even done. I think you are coming from a good place and distancing yourself is valid x

Thank you for your response! I would say the behaviour has been more recently aimed towards just me, but she doesn’t get on with everyone else either. She speaks to everyone horribly!

It took me some time - years in fact - but in laws are just people that come along with your spouse. You don’t have to like all
of them. Or like any of them and they don’t have like you.
Just blank it. Question whether being best buds with the other SiL is worth it and if not, move on.

You are too invested in what she thinks of you. I personally wouldn’t give a shit, she’s clearly got issues so let her get on with it. You don’t mention your DH once (presume it’s his sister) - let him deal with her.

Thank you for your response! It’s so hard isn’t it and can take time. Yes, I have considered possibly distancing myself for the both of them. I thought distancing myself from the toxic one who work and bring some peace. It’s sadly only made some things worse.

You have your answer , if she's like that anyway to everyone , then give her a wide space , she's just not a nice person .

Yeah, he’s not really interested in his family. He can’t stand any of them. He works quite a lot and hates going to family events, but does to support me where he can. It’s hard as sometimes he can’t make them, so when I go I do feel quite alone and out of place. Like I’m in a lion dens 🤣

You’ve every right to distance yourself from her. But I think you should also stop talking about her with the nice SIL. Nice SIL seems to be piggy in the middle, with both of you other complaining about the other to her. And she is doing similar by telling each of you what the other says, means, feels and does. It must be awful to be the nice SIL caught in the middle with all this drama around her.

keep a distance, be polite at nieces party and accept you’ll never be close. It’s up to er if she does the same.

Yes I do feel really sorry for the sister in the middle and I’ve said it to her that’s she’s always in the middle and she makes her feel like she has to choose between us. I’ve not really spoken to her sister about her as I know what sisters can be like, fighting one minute and made up the next, so I am careful in what I say. It’s always her sister coming to me about her which is hard because I’m trying to keep my distance but she’s telling me all these things her sister has said. However, I don’t want to shut her sisters feelings down if she needs someone to vent to as she doesn’t really have anyone else but her sister.

Sounds like her DSis is stirring the pot a bit with constantly telling you what this sister-in-law is saying about you. This is childish behaviour on both of their parts and I doubt you’re as close to her as you think you are, otherwise she wouldn’t be telling you negative stuff all the time because that’s just shitty.

If she is as awful to everyone as you says she is then stop being so bothered both what she thinks, avoid being in her company, and perhaps tell nice sister-in-law you know her DSis doesn’t like you and you don’t want to hear anyone about it. And maybe get your DH to tell her to grow up and behave like an adult.

😂😂😂😂😂

Seriously, OP, why do you care? It all sounds like schoolyard nonsense, with one being nasty and the other telling you all about it. Don't engage in such childish game playing.

If your husband isn’t really interested in his family, I don’t understand why you give them so much time or thought. One sister sounds jealous of you and the other sounds like a wet lettuce. It isn’t worth it.

I think all you can do is ignore going forward. As for whether to stay in involved with "friendly SiL" this is possibly for her to take the lead on - ie whether carrying on seeing you means she gets extra grief. Probably she is happy to finally have a nice "sister" (you) in her life . I think nice SiL should probably grey rock her nastiness, but that's up to her and their family dynamics (which sound messy).

Ideally you dh could have a word with nasty sister but IME men aren't always so great at this. If you block her chances are he will be dragged in though!

It's a shame phones don't have a mute function to turn off notifications from a particular number and hide the messages - the ultimate electonic grey rock. But I would not put up with any more of her shit. You do not have to have it in your life.

A wet lettuce I love that 😂 yeah, i just do it mostly for the children as they are only pre school age and have grown up together, they all have an amazing bond but it’s so hard with the parents.

If she is doing it more towards you now but also does this to others’ I’d let her get in with it. It’s her issue. You can’t change her, all you can do is decide how you respond to her behaviour.

I’d draw a line in the sand and explain to my partner where I stood. I’d also make sure my husband knew that if anything else happens, he deals with it. Do not apologise anymore if you are not in the wrong. Like you I would always continue to send presents/ cards to the children for birthdays etc x

Yeah, don’t get me wrong I have questioned the “nice” sister’s behaviour before and still do at times! As when she’s told me something it’s sort of like well how’s that come up in conversation and have you said anything in my defence, if that makes sense!

Ah cross posted. Yeah it "nice" SiL.is bringing "nasty SiL's stuff to you, the that needs grey rocking too. What a shame! I guess you can try saying breezily "let's not think about her" and changing the subject every time but yes Id be cooling my involvement with the pair of them.as this aounds like a very ingrained pattern.

Subtly and discreetly distance yourself from both of them. They're a package deal. Grey rock.

yawn what a pathetic response. Hard to criticise someone else when you yourself have nothing intelligent to say.

Yeah my go to response is “oh right”. Or if she’s complaining about something she’s doing I just say “oh that’s not very good” so it leaves her open to vent without me having to say anything towards her if that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong it does piss me off the things she said & done as I am a person that things easily gets to sadly. She removed me off socials (I don’t really have anyone’s number apart from my husbands and mums as I just message people on WhatsApp or messenger) but then complained to her sister that I didn’t message a happy birthday, even though I went to see her son and give him his card and present a couple of days before his birthday as I was away on his actual birthday.

Ffs why do that? It was perfectly understandable.

I barely give my sil a second thought. You should do the same.

You really need to start respecting yourself a bit more.
My mental health has improved so much since I've started distancing myself from my 2 sils. It's not very hard to do either and my husband supports me.
If the nice sil doesn't want you at the party and chooses her sister, you have your answer.
I'm not really sure why you've let this continue so long, esp when your husband doesn't care.