To want some time off?

[OneFancyRuby]

DH and I have got two children aged six and three. I work full-time in an office job that’s long hours. He works part time with a shift pattern of six days on and then six days off. The six days are on shift hours meaning he’s not really here at all except to sleep and then get up and go again at lunchtime. He often works shifts that end at 4 or 5 in the morning.

Since our second child was born, things have been harder. We found going from 1 to 2 children much more difficult than we expected which was coupled with losing family support completely when our youngest was around a year old. As a result, we have fallen into the habit of double parenting, I.e. At weekends we parent together both children or we take one each and do separate things with them to make it easier. At bedtime, we try to both be around because the youngest is very difficult and it’s much easier if there’s two people. I can usually manage this as I only do two days a week in the office and my commute is short.

The trouble is, I’m beginning to feel like I never get a break. I’m either solo parenting for six days whilst he’s at work or I’m trying to joint parent whilst he’s off. This means that I’m either working or parenting and I realise I now have very limited social life or any other activities of my own.

I’m five days in to a period of him being at work and I feel frazzled. I have juggled work and nursery/holiday club/being there to watch a drama performance in the middle of the afternoon etc and now doing the weekend on my own. I’m keeping my head above water at work by picking up in the evenings.

How do I get my act together? I feel really low tonight and have been impatient with the children and I can’t work out whether I need a break or whether I just need to give my head a wobble and buckle down. I feel like nobody else makes such a meal of parenting but I’m just so infuriated by the endless squabbling, shouts of mummy, demanding never-ending snacks and the crack of dawn wake up.

YABU - it’s just a couple of kids pull yourself together, woman.

YANBU - maybe take an afternoon out now and again on a Saturday have a coffee and go to a yoga class.

I think a bit of both. You have two children and a full time job so of course you're tired. I have full time job and one child and I'm tired. Can your husband do some solo parenting in his 6 days off? One day the weekend can he take the children out or can you go out for the day and leave them with him? Even some evenings out where you leave the kids with him or being able to have a lie in should help.

Edited for horrendous amount of typos!

Of course you should have a break, surely you can take a weekend day off when DH is around.

You can solo parent for six days while he works, but he gets to take six days off at a time where the kids are at school/daycare - but he still can't solo parent in the evenings/weekends as two kids are harder than one?

Tell your DH that you're burned out and exhausted and need a break - and then take one. He can do a full weekend day of solo parenting where you get a lie in and then get to either go out for a coffee with a friend and some yoga if that's what you want, or he takes both children out and you get to stay in a relax all day.

YANBU.

You wanted to ask how DH can get his act together, right? He has 6 days off, he should be giving you a bit of a breather.

@OneFancyRuby I work part time and am still frazzled so I’m not surprised you are struggling.

You need a break, otherwise it’s just constant.

Is there time for you to do anything for yourself once the kids are in bed? X

It doesn't sound as though either of you get a break.

Either he's at work, solo parenting while you're at work or tag-team parenting with you. For you, either you're at work, solo parenting while he's at work or tag-team parenting with him. Obviously, you're both human beings who need a break.

I'm confused when you say he works "part-time". He's working 6 days on and 6 days off, often working from lunchtime through until 4/5am. That doesn't sound like part-time. How many hours is he actually working?

You don't need a break. You need a lifestyle change to facilitate regular breaks for both of you (together and separately) going forward. I know it's not easy (we both work full-time and have a 3yo and a 6yo too).

I assume you're not rolling in cash so won't suggest getting a cleaner or paying for more childcare, have you considered:

1. On his days off, you go out after work - a hobby, a walk, a class, the cinema, etc. On another one of his days off, he does the same.
2. On his days off, you have a date night (in the house or going out). DCs in bed by 7, light a few candles, run a bath, whatever.
3. Mixing up your weekend activities a bit - I find DCs are far more manageable if we're out of the house.
4. Getting DCs involved in errands and chores. Even if they aren't helpful, it stops them making more mess and allows you to get things done while parenting (my two are great at "sweeping", "sorting laundry", "wiping" everything, etc). They don't actually help - but they don't hinder and they're kept occupied.

He needs to have the kids on his own. He gets a lot of time without work or any kids, you don’t, assuming the kids are at school/nursery on most of those six days when he doesn’t work. Yes two kids are harder than one a lot of the time, but one parent can manage to look after both. I have a 6yo and 3yo and DH looked after them all day today while I went for a day out with some friends. That happens pretty regularly. I’d do the same for him except he doesn’t have a social life!

Have you actually raised it with him? My DH is forever pushing me to go do things for myself. You might find he’s actually quite supportive of it. It’s not that hard to fill a couple of hours on a Sat morning as a start. By the time he’s taken them to the park, home, a snack, that’ll pretty much do it.

You’re right. The kids are in full-time nursery and wraparound care so when his off days fall during the week he has 10 hours completely to himself.

he doesn’t seem to mind me taking a break, I just feel guilty to do it because the toddler has been so challenging compared to our first child and I know how hard the days can be on your own. Also, because my only chance to see them is the weekends because I’m at work so much in the week I then feel bad if I choose not to be with them at the weekends! You just can’t win!!!! But I definitely have my own worst enemy in this I know that

He gets a break because the children are in full-time school/childcare from 8-6 so any time his off days fall on weekdays, he gets the whole day to himself.

His work is part time, he only gets paid 70% of his old full-time salary. The shifts are usually around 12 hours, sometimes a bit more and sometimes a bit less and then he commutes an hour each way.

Once the kids are in bed, I usually open my laptop again and carry on working or catch up on various other stuff around the house that needs doing tbh. I think I need to get a life! 😂

Right, then he gets quite a lot of time for himself. If he's off work on half of days, he gets 25 hours per week child-free and work-free. Obviously, his sleep schedule isn't the same as DCs (whereas I assume yours would be more similar because you work 9-5?) so some of that is for sleep. But, at minimum, you should get one day entirely for yourself on weekends that he isn't working (which is about 1/3 weekends) and a weekday evening a week when he's not working (which would be almost every week).

I can't see any reason why, if you can do a whole evening shift alone while he's at work, he can't do a whole evening shift while you rest/socialise/etc. Same applies to if you can do a whole weekend day while he's at work, he can do that while you get some time for yourself.

I still don't see how he's not full-time. 12 hour shifts half the time (six days on and six days off) is 42 hours per week on average. Some weeks is obviously more and some obviously less but, on average, that's a full-time job.

Essentially, you both need to work, childcare and rest. He gets his rest while you're at work and the DCs are at school/nursery. You get yours while he does childcare. The only other part to address is how to carve out time to relax together.

It’s quite a niche industry (I’m only not saying what it is as it’s quite outing) so that’s just how it is. It’s also quite seasonal so in January this year he only worked 3 days

It’s all good advice you’re giving me though @DressingFrown I need to carve out time that’s not work or kids.

I just look around and think everyone looks like they’re enjoying parenting more than I am, today has been a slog!

I think people don't work as much, in general. It's not common for both parents of young children to work as many hours.

At DS's class at school, there's only one other mum who works full-time. I work very long hours and then it's home, bed, logging back on, laundry, dishwasher, hoovering, log back on, sleep, wake up, walk dogs, hoover, dishwasher, dressed, commute/drop-off, work... I get it. Someone in my profession (a very successful woman) said that women who succeed in our industry either have no partner or a very supportive partner. I'm lucky to have a very supportive partner. But, he also works full-time - so there's not much time to go around!

I think getting out of the house with DCs is a game changer for us. They're entertained just by existing out of the house sometimes. They can't mess up a house if they aren't in it. There are loads of free and fun things they can do (happy to send ideas of things we've done recently if you'd be interested). Sometimes DH and I will pack all four of us in the car and drive around - we'll talk and listen to music while half-listening to DCs playing some car game. It gives us a small break to actually talk and spend time together without them being able to make mess or complain that they're bored...

It’s really funny you say that, I took them out to a further away park this afternoon so I drove there. We usually walk almost everywhere. On the way back, they were singing to a kids playlist and quite happy looking out the window. I found myself deliberately taking the long route home and enjoying the five minutes of no squabbling and a bit of peace slowly cruising around the back roads of our neighbourhood.

Felt a bit silly thinking how nice it was until I read your post above! now thinking maybe the odd car journey is a good shout for a change of scenery. Means we go somewhere a bit different so more of a change of scenery and I get the peace of the journey! You are a genius!

If you can manage to do all the parenting alone for 6 days, surely he can manage an evening or 2 when he's off so you can get a break. Why do they stay in childcare for 10 hours a day when he is off work??

It sounds like your partner needs to do some solo parenting on the weekend but it also seems like you are making choices that are leading to you not having a break. I use the time after the kids have gone to bed as my alone time. It's not much and often ends up with me going to sleep too later but if you're choosing to work or do chores then that's more fool you. I also get wanting to be with them at the weekend when you work all week but you can't do that and complain you don't have a break.

I could have written this post. My DH does encourage me to do things alone when he’s home and can have the children but I do actually want to spend time together as a family as it’s rare we get the chance with his shifts. But then I’m not helping myself. I’m trying to find a balance as I am absolutely burnt out and it’s not good for anyone (me, the kids as I lose my patience easily, my DH as it’s putting pressure on our marriage).

It’s bloody difficult. Sounds like you’re doing amazing, OP, and I hope your husband sees it and appreciates it.

You have to drop the guilt of “making” him parent properly while he’s not at work. And by properly I mean alone, just like you do.

why should he get 10 hours a day free at least 6 days / month and you get none?! On those days he should be doing childrcare runs so you can work effectively and have an evening out / go to a yoga class on the way home.

and then when he’s off on a weekend you split the time fairly between family time and free time for you (priority) but also him to see friends etc who presumably aren’t available midweek.

Her DP works 72hrs every 12 days. Which is the same hours as 42hrs every 7 days. Thats more than full time.

Both OP and DP need time off and time to do chores etc so they should sit down and work out when when but its not all on DP.

100% this! I feel burnt out. Day 6 solo parenting today and I feel so infuriated this morning I can barely interact with the kids without snapping at them. This current set up is doing none of us any good.

I'm planning to go to the gym later when DH wakes up but I know he’ll be complaining about tired he is and how badly he’s slept this week so I’ll end up not going

I think everyone needs to get away from the hours he works. What I said relates to the worst case scenario (I.e. this week) and not every week and includes commuting time. Some times he does a short day which is only 5 or 6 hours. But because it’s very early or very late he’s constantly tired.

Guilt is your enemy and unwittingly perhaps, his tool.

Don’t feel guilty about carving yourself some time because you’ll be a better mum
and wife if you’re less stressed. He’ll get better at managing both children together solo which will have the knock on effect of making you more comfortable about having a bit of time to yourself.

Bin the guilt!

You HAVE to go to the gym. You NEED to have this time. Take it. Guilt is your worst enemy, it really is. Because along with guilt comes resentment, and that's really bad for everyone.