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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this controlling ?

28 replies

greengocart · 02/08/2025 15:43

For a while I have not felt like a “ partner “ to dp more like I’m seen as another “ child “ I’m nearly 40 🙄

I’m not sure if he’s controlling because it’s not the obvious control like stopping me going out or what I wear etc but this morning there’s been a few times I’ve felt like he’s shutting me down, I’ve had surgery and not able to drive for another week ( 8 in total ) today I asked him when he was shopping to get the toiletries ready for holiday on Saturday to which he said “ why don’t we get them in the week nearer the time” ( so I can pack last minute 🙄 ) then I asked whist we were out if we could pop and get our sons feet measured but he said to me “ we can do them at home with a tape measure “ then I’ve realised I’ve put a top in the dryer that shouldn’t have gone in there so I’ve emptied it out but it was wet and absolutely boiling so I left it to cool down before I checked for said top I go back out in the kitchen to do this and it’s all back in the dryer ! Apparently he’s trying to be helpful but I find it so draining ! Is he controlling ?
he also when I asked to pop to the shop for a card says oh we’ve got one upstairs ( not the one I wanted to use for this occasion ) he also has a go because a family member gave our son a tiny bit of fizzy but then he’ll go and buy our dd a massive bottle of coke !

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 02/08/2025 15:45

It doesn’t sound controlling to me. If you’re not happy, talk to him.

rubyslippers · 02/08/2025 15:46

None of what you describe sounds controlling
yoh don’t sound happy and that’s a different matter

R0ckandHardPlace · 02/08/2025 15:47

Irritating yes, but not controlling.

Swiftie1878 · 02/08/2025 15:51

The sooner you can drive again, the better. You’re in a vulnerably position atm, needing him to do things for you or to ask his permission for you to do things.
Get control back asap, and you’ll feel much better.

Unicornsandprincesses · 02/08/2025 15:55

hmmm maybe try the “toddler choice” approach until you can drive again.

”I need something from the shop, shall we go now or after lunch?”

lol

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 02/08/2025 16:00

How is he when you’re fully independent? The same , or does he just let you get away with things? Have you been seriously ill before? Was he the same?

Dartmoorcheffy · 02/08/2025 16:02

Im just confused by the boiling hot wet washing. I have never known this to happen when I have used a tumble dryer.

Original poster
greengocart · 02/08/2025 16:03

Not unwell at all and yes like it when I’m capable he does it with most things xx

washing wasn’t dry so still wet and hot xx

OP posts:
SquirrelRed · 02/08/2025 16:06

Doesn't sound controlling to me, in fact some of what you've said sounds like he is actually trying to be helpful.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 02/08/2025 16:07

He just sounds like a man trying to get out of chores, but not aggressive or controlling.

I wouldn’t want to go to the shop to get one card, and you can order and pick up toiletries at the airport. You possibly can’t measure your kid’s feet accurately though, so just tell him no, you need to go do that.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 02/08/2025 16:09

Dartmoorcheffy · 02/08/2025 16:02

Im just confused by the boiling hot wet washing. I have never known this to happen when I have used a tumble dryer.

I’m staying in a cottage and they have a washer/dryer (one that actually works well)…the dryer part is absolutely boiling when it’s been going for a while. I usually have to open the door and let it ‘air’ for a bit before touching the stuff inside.

OP, it doesn’t sound controlling on the face of it. More like laziness/can’t be arsedness. What’s he like at other times, like when you’re fully fit and functional?

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 02/08/2025 16:30

greengocart · 02/08/2025 16:03

Not unwell at all and yes like it when I’m capable he does it with most things xx

washing wasn’t dry so still wet and hot xx

Fair enough. When you’re ok to drive though , do you just get on with things when he says no/offers an alternative that doesn’t work for you?

Do you think he’s just lazy? A procrastinator? Tries to get involved but not quite hitting the mark?

Tbh OH can be like that sometimes, I just tell him that no, that it isn’t what I want , I want it done at this time and in this way. If he wants to do his thing that’s fine, but he’s taking full responsibility for it. Funnily enough, that’s enough to sway him over, mostly because he knows there’s usually a method to my madness. Plus, I’m always right.Grin

Pointynoseowner · 02/08/2025 16:33

Not at all .

HÆLTHEPAIN · 02/08/2025 16:35

Adding to say I’ve just seen you said he’s like this all the time. Hmmm. It could still be ‘just’ laziness but I think it depends on how much of an impact it has in general. Does this attitude mean you’re left to do (more than your fair share of) things because he’s like this? In which case it could be a sort of weaponised incompetance.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 02/08/2025 16:35

No, he doesn't sound controlling.

You both sound like you're maybe getting on each others' nerves a bit though - probably because you can't drive and are a bit stuck.

EfficientWordsmith · 02/08/2025 18:38

Why are you asking him? I'd start there. Youre not a child and he isnt your father

AprilShowers25 · 02/08/2025 19:28

So when he said can’t we get the toiletries next week couldn’t you have said, I would prefer to get them sooner so I can pack and not be worrying about forgetting anything?

Original poster
greengocart · 03/08/2025 18:15

Another example tonight he asked me if I wanted a pasta dinner this evening and I said no I wasn’t keen on it the last time I had it ! ( he had over cooked it so it was sloppy it’s put me off for a bit ) he then goes on to say “ what pasta sauce do you want “ as he proceeds to go to make the pasta meal !

OP posts:
Runningismyhappyplace50 · 03/08/2025 18:21

He sounds more selfish and lazy. I agree that you both appear to be irritated with each other.

EfficientWordsmith · 03/08/2025 21:04

Do you really want to be 80 years old, regretting all the years you wasted on him? Life is short. You only get one chance at it. Divorce him.

Nugg · 03/08/2025 21:06

Irritating and lazy not controlling

Notmyreality · 03/08/2025 21:09

Sounds like you need to advocate for yourself more.
Calling him controlling is trying to make him out to be the problem when really it’s you.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 04/08/2025 07:00

greengocart · 03/08/2025 18:15

Another example tonight he asked me if I wanted a pasta dinner this evening and I said no I wasn’t keen on it the last time I had it ! ( he had over cooked it so it was sloppy it’s put me off for a bit ) he then goes on to say “ what pasta sauce do you want “ as he proceeds to go to make the pasta meal !

So you reply with “whatever YOU want, because I’m not eating it.” and then you don’t. He needs to learn to listen and that you are your own person, with your own wants and needs and as such you will do what you want/need to do.

nomas · 04/08/2025 07:05

I’ve had surgery and not able to drive for another week ( 8 in total ) today I asked him when he was shopping to get the toiletries ready for holiday on Saturday to which he said “ why don’t we get them in the week nearer the time” ( so I can pack last minute 🙄 ) then I asked whist we were out if we could pop and get our sons feet measured but he said to me “ we can do them at home with a tape measure “

I can see why this may sound controlling as you’re not able to do these things alone at the moment because you can’t drive at the moment.

Can you take a taxi? It would make the point to him that you won’t wait around for him.

PixiePuffBall · 04/08/2025 07:06

Exasperating I'm sure, but none of the examples you've given indicate a problem with control. I'd stop worrying and maybe try and arrange a nice couple of date nights for the two of you

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