AIBU to think this is a huge overreaction over a little spider?

[Minimili]

I’m currently staying at a friend’s and sharing her room as we are going on a trip tomorrow (today now ffs) with a long drive and early start.

We went to bed early and she was sound asleep but I was just dozing as I struggle to sleep away from home.

She went to the toilet and upon returning noticed a tiny little spider on the bed, it was one of those little skinny ones with spindly legs, she started shrieking at me to kill it whilst doing a kind of panic dance with flailing arms and shrieking “GET HIM OUT, GET HIM OUT NOOOOOW”

I told her to calm down and said it was harmless and the only crime it had really committed was “breaking and entering, squatting and getting into bed with her uninvited” I was joking to calm her down but she was nodding in agreement.

The lights were on and she said she wanted me to kill it and show her the evidence, I said I wasn’t killing it and would put it outside, she opened the window whilst I cupped my hands round it and then as I put it outside I said “bye Nigel have a nice life, I hope you find alternative accommodation”
I told my friend as she’d referred to it as “him” I’d called him by a boys name as we couldn’t call him something like Shirley!

My friend now believes that I didn’t put the spider outside and as I’d named him I’d obviously chosen to “keep him and let him stay” she has been staring at the spot he previously occupied for 45 minutes and even called one of her cats in to attempt to get it to hunt and kill the spider.

I told her in a serious tone that I absolutely promise that it has gone and that I understand some people have phobias, my friend knows I’m terrified of rats, however this has done nothing to calm her down and convince her I’m telling the truth.

I could go and sleep on the sofa but she has 4 cats sleeping on there who wouldn’t want to share and I don’t fancy being covered in fur or sleeping where they have had dirty paws and bare bums all over.

I made one last attempt saying that even if there was a spider it would be far more scared of her then she is of him. She huffed at me “whose side are you on?!”
I think she’d have turned her back on me but she’s still posed in a vigilante position waiting for Nigel to make an appearance.

AIBU for being frustrated that this has the potential to ruin a trip we have had planned for ages? I have tried hard to sympathise but she seems convinced I have stashed this spider to keep as a pet. I really do understand how awful a phobia is but this is completely irrational and my friend is usually level headed and the last person I’d expect this from. If it had been a tarantula or even just bigger then a 5p coin I wouldn’t have made any jokes and could understand the paranoia, I’m actually offended she thinks that I’m so desperate for company that Nigel would have made a suitable pet 😂.

I have brought an eye mask with me so I’m tempted to just try to get some sleep seeing as the light will be staying on, at least she’s not making a noise in case it attracts Nigel’s attention!

Yep, that’s absolutely fucking ridiculous.

😉😘

The whole situation sounds a bit ridiculous tbh

I’m petrified of spiders but not tiny ones. She sounds like she may have some learning disabilities or does she have mental health issues of some kind? There’s definitely something going on there, poor woman.

You both sound a little bonkers! Her more than you

I have never heard of a cat having a ‘bare bum’ before OP 🤣

I think I'd have called him Sidney 🤔

Look mate I’m not taking you in no matter how much you struggle to find someone else to cock lodge (Spider willy lodge?) with.

I’ve already got pets and even if I didn’t you’ve ruined my trip and appeared to have turned a reasonably sane 43 year old woman into a paranoid gibbering wreck so who knows what other chaos you could create for me if I took you into my home.

The cat was allowed to stand down from hunting duties and go to sleep but I was accused of being unsupportive and selfish, luckily as you don’t seem to have made any more appearances and as my friend can’t keep her eyes open I might actually get some more sleep as long as I promise to “stand guard” as my previous promises weren’t believed I might as well agree to this one.

I wish you all the best and I’m glad I didn’t murder you in cold blood, I just hope you aren’t planning on climbing back up the water spout tonight because if I’m still awake I will not be responsible for my actions.

Well I haven’t come across many wearing underwear 😂

even just bigger then a 5p coin

Bigger THAN a 5p coin!

It's a bit early for creative writing isn't it? Get up and have a cup of tea.

Nope not everything can be excused or explained away by mental health or learning difficulties (speaking from someone neurodivergent.)

Sometimes people act out of character or surprise you and it’s just part of their personality you might not have witnessed. I’ve known her 30 years and knew she had a spider phobia but it’s obviously just a very severe one and even small ones are scary to her.

Apparently her brothers used to cup them in their hands and say they were putting them outside then throw them at her, that’s why she didn’t trust my hand cupping removal manoeuvre, I have also apparently made jokes (many years ago but stuck in her mind) about having a pet spider when one insisted on building a web on my car mirror every day. She thought I was maybe being serious caught up in the irrational panic that a phobia can bring on.

It was also the fact it was in the bed and the possibility there might be more there as well that was freaking her out, she said if it had been anywhere else she’d have been ok.

I have to admit I wouldn’t be keen on finding a tiny baby rat in my bed but could sleep if I’d discovered it in another room. Also I know my cat would actually do something to defend me and not just use it as an excuse to snooze on the bed.

Hopefully we can still get some sleep and set off a little bit later and hopefully Nigel has found someone without a phobia to lodge with. I just hope he didn’t leave a family behind because that would be quite sad.

She’s being OTT but honestly if you saw she was so scared I don’t know why you were making jokes and not just getting rid of it. You’ve contributed to making it a bigger issue than it was as much as she has.

It doesn’t really matter if you think the spider was small, she has a phobia and that’s that.

Well yes… this was smaller then a 5p coin so I set the bar at that.

I’m going to sleep now things appeared to have calmed down so no cups of tea required.

Feel free to check my posting history if you believe this was simply a “creative writing exercise” I deliberately didn’t name change so people could see I was a genuine poster who had just ended up in a bit of an unusual situation.

Maybe you didn’t find much humour in it, sorry if that’s the case. I have to admit my jokes haven’t landed well tonight and so won’t be attempting any more in future. Next time I will respond with the gravity the situation obviously requires.

A spider in the room I’d chuck it outside as I wouldn’t want it crawling on me. But wouldn’t be freaked.
A rat in the room I would move house.

Whilst I get your friend is scared of spiders the behaviour was ridiculous and selfish. Understandable she wanted the spider out but to keep you awake and not believe you is pathetic. I’d be really irritated with her by now.

Yes I know and I did realise and try to reassure her when I saw how scared she was.
I have also apologised and said it was just to try to make her smile and stop panicking but it was the wrong way to deal with it and after talking more I understand why now.

It was just the middle of the night and out of character.

I actually appreciated your humour!

I've got a little campaign running to try and teach the English speaking world that it's bigger THAN and not THEN but I decided to limit my help to every 100th person - you were just a lucky number!

Hope you get back to sleep.

Honestly that’s exactly how I felt.

After talking a bit more I understand why she was so freaked out now.

I’ve waited for her to fall asleep and she is now so I’m going to hopefully try to get some myself.

I think I would burn my house to the ground if I found a rat in it so I do understand the fear.

The irony is I actually posted a while back about one of her cats bringing a rat in her house with a photo from her doorbell camera.
She was reasonably calm whereas I’d have not be sitting keeping watch - I’d have legged it!

Aw thank you! I kept writing “than” but it autocorrected back to then so I gave up out of exhaustion.

Shes gone to sleep so I think it’s safe to also try to get an hour myself…

Well, I can see that my assistance was not needed here! As you were, OP.

Have a lovely getaway 😊

My DD 24 can be a bit like this, but not quite as bad. Even those minute ones we call money spiders will be referred to as 'huge' if she finds one, and she'll scream and make a huge fuss. I'll go in to capture it, expecting to find a bloody tarantula! I don't know why she's like it as I never showed a fear of them while she was growing up. I always remain calm and while I won't cup the bigger ones in my hands, I'll put a plastic cup over and slide a bit of paper underneath so that it's unharmed and can be released.

I'd say your friend's fear has been exacerbated by her brothers catching them and throwing them at her. If you're scared of something then that isn't going to do anything to help your phobia.

This. Also, with the history with her brothers I can completely relate to the apparently OTT reaction. I had a similar situation, with me being your friend's character not too long ago and my friend's reaction triggered an old childhood memory which set off some form of PTSD and it destroyed the friendship. My friend of many years made no allowance for the fact that she had been at the least insensitive, or that I was clearly having some form of mental health episode.

At the end of the trip she told me that the friendship was over and frankly I wasn't sorry. I could not get over how she had treated me, failed to make any allowance. We have not spoken since.

I am glad to know you will be kinder in future. I hope you can retain the friendship.

I'm an arachnaphobe so she has ny sympathy but her reaction was extreme.

I occasionally give spiders a name, especially ones I can't catch. Most go though.

There was once a spider in the bathroom, I called him Boris, as it kept coming out at night to scare me, then running off and hiding before I could get rid of him. It was during covid so actual Boris Johnson was out every night scaring us into staying indoors.

There was one outside our landing window for ages, he was called Steve, he was one of those big black and yellow garden spiders. He was okay as long as he never came indoors.

Yes, it's irrational, but phobias are usually irrational. It's the nature of them. If she didn't see it go out, she might be worried you were trying to make her feel better by pretending.

Whilst i would not have responded in the same way as your friend i think u need to accept that some people hsve a completely irrational fear of things and you cannot change this.

I've never liked spiders, even when I lived in Spain, and they were as tiny and harmless as the one you found. Your friend reaction was a lunatic reaction, way over the top.

The first time I saw a huntsman spider in my bathroom in Australia, I almost had a heart attack. I'd never seen anything like it and I bolted, closed the bathroom door and got the insect spray from the kitchen. Armed with it and reasonably safe, I sprayed the whole can on the poor thing, feeling ecstatic when it shrivelled and died.

These days if it's an adult huntsman, I get a tea towel, gently grab it and put it back in the garden. If it'still a teenager I don't bother - he/she will eat any mosquitoes trying to drink my blood which I truly detest.

media.australian.museum/media/dd/images/Some_image.width-1200.cfebc9d.jpg