AIBU to think this is a huge overreaction over a little spider?

[Minimili]

I’m currently staying at a friend’s and sharing her room as we are going on a trip tomorrow (today now ffs) with a long drive and early start.

We went to bed early and she was sound asleep but I was just dozing as I struggle to sleep away from home.

She went to the toilet and upon returning noticed a tiny little spider on the bed, it was one of those little skinny ones with spindly legs, she started shrieking at me to kill it whilst doing a kind of panic dance with flailing arms and shrieking “GET HIM OUT, GET HIM OUT NOOOOOW”

I told her to calm down and said it was harmless and the only crime it had really committed was “breaking and entering, squatting and getting into bed with her uninvited” I was joking to calm her down but she was nodding in agreement.

The lights were on and she said she wanted me to kill it and show her the evidence, I said I wasn’t killing it and would put it outside, she opened the window whilst I cupped my hands round it and then as I put it outside I said “bye Nigel have a nice life, I hope you find alternative accommodation”
I told my friend as she’d referred to it as “him” I’d called him by a boys name as we couldn’t call him something like Shirley!

My friend now believes that I didn’t put the spider outside and as I’d named him I’d obviously chosen to “keep him and let him stay” she has been staring at the spot he previously occupied for 45 minutes and even called one of her cats in to attempt to get it to hunt and kill the spider.

I told her in a serious tone that I absolutely promise that it has gone and that I understand some people have phobias, my friend knows I’m terrified of rats, however this has done nothing to calm her down and convince her I’m telling the truth.

I could go and sleep on the sofa but she has 4 cats sleeping on there who wouldn’t want to share and I don’t fancy being covered in fur or sleeping where they have had dirty paws and bare bums all over.

I made one last attempt saying that even if there was a spider it would be far more scared of her then she is of him. She huffed at me “whose side are you on?!”
I think she’d have turned her back on me but she’s still posed in a vigilante position waiting for Nigel to make an appearance.

AIBU for being frustrated that this has the potential to ruin a trip we have had planned for ages? I have tried hard to sympathise but she seems convinced I have stashed this spider to keep as a pet. I really do understand how awful a phobia is but this is completely irrational and my friend is usually level headed and the last person I’d expect this from. If it had been a tarantula or even just bigger then a 5p coin I wouldn’t have made any jokes and could understand the paranoia, I’m actually offended she thinks that I’m so desperate for company that Nigel would have made a suitable pet 😂.

I have brought an eye mask with me so I’m tempted to just try to get some sleep seeing as the light will be staying on, at least she’s not making a noise in case it attracts Nigel’s attention!

Of course it’s an overreaction but that’s what a phobia is. I used to be as bad (I’m a LOT better now) and of course I knew I was overreacting, of course I knew it wouldn’t hurt me, etc, etc. I have absolutely no fear of any other living thing, and a huge curiosity for nature both here and abroad and I can never resist touching and picking up insects and reptiles, so it’s not about being squeamish. The reason she didn’t trust you is because you made jokes and she can see you’re not taking her fear seriously. If you’re genuinely worried about a trip and care about your friend speak to her about how to deal with this in the future.

Good luck on the holiday

YABU a bit to be honest. Phobias aren’t only activated for the type or size of trigger that is easy to understand.

It’s like how people have phobias of things like buttons and even if others can’t understand it it causes really intense panic and terror.

Arachnophobia is extremely debilitating and the fact that spiders are everywhere and you can’t avoid them makes it hard. My mental health has been very bad before with it and I’ve had some really really dark thoughts.

There was a time it was bad enough I wouldn’t have been able to go on holiday, would be scared of ever staying alone, had to check every room as I went in, got terrified of bits of fluff or hair, would not be able to go into the garden etc. Nobody wants to live like that. Knowing it’s irrational or even ridiculous doesn’t help.

I wish I could explain how severe the fear is with a phobia. It’s not being silly and shrieking and trying to get attention. You’re on alert constantly and it really sends you into this fight or flight that feels like you’re in genuine immediate physical danger even when you know you are not logically.

The reason I think YABU is because of all the joking and delaying and rationalising. If this is your friend and she was genuinely terrified, I think you should have just immediately taken the spider outside.

However I think it would be very reasonable to sit down with her and explain that you won’t be killing any spiders and that you’ll take any out but you’d prefer her to try her best not to scream AT you and just to tell you if she sees one. I’d also think it would help to say that you won’t try and convince her any more that she’s being irrational and that you know how terrified she is and you can promise you would not do that to her (keep it as a pet) but that you want to start again and enjoy your time.

I think all the joking and the telling her how irrational she is hasn’t helped because it’s the kind of thing people say when they refuse to remove the spider or even think it’s funny to mess with you by putting it near you.

So yes she’s not being great but also if she’s otherwise a normal person and good friend I think you should try and empathise with how hard dealing with it is and try and move on from this. Once you are home I’d talk to her about getting help with it - it should be treated as a mental health issue because it is.

Why didn't she go and sleep on the sofa.

https://britishspiders.org.uk/spiders-in-the-house
Carefully sweep up the spider and put it outside, or better still put in an outside shed, garage or similar place as the 'outside' is not their habitat and it is a bit cruel. They can eventually find their way back inside.

I think a lot of them have evolved to live in houses and actually just die outside, so it's not exactly kinder to put them out, and it's really shitty to tease your friend with a phobia. See how nice she is next time you guys have a rat in the nearby vicinity.

She sounds unhinged or arguably traumatised by being teased as a child about her phobia. Hopefully she’ll recover and not spoil the holiday.

Phobias are completely irrational, as you would have realised if there had been a rat in the room.

This ^ absolutely and even more. You were mocking your friend deliberately for far too long, it wasn’t an attempt to calm her down. You basically tried to show how witty and brave you were at her expense.
Tbh I would not only kill the spider I would help her to turn the bed and check that there were no others and that would be reassuring action of a true friend.

By the way when I read your post my first thought wasn’t that your friend had mental health issues but that you had autism or ADHD. Just the way you put it.

Obviously it’s OTT but I don’t think you were particularly empathetic about it either. Phobias must be awful. Joking around and being a bit patronising isn’t going to help anything and it wasn’t a very nice way to behave to a friend IMO when you saw how scared she was.

Absolutely utterly ludicrous.

Buy the spider killer a copy of Charlotte’s Web for Christ-almighty-mas!

I have a totally irrational fear of spiders. I was also teased with them by my brothers as a small child.

I would like to think that I wouldn’t have been so OTT but I admit that I would not be able to get into a bed if there was a spider anywhere near. No matter how small it may be.

I know they live in my house but if I see one in the living room say, and it escapes from sight, I cannot sit comfortably in the room for days. It makes me feel on edge. I know it is not rational but I cannot help it.

I would be less bothered by a rat, as at least you can see where they are!

I have a serious spider phobia caused by events in my past life. I'd prefer not to have it, but that's the way things go. It makes life difficult at times and is not helped by people mocking me for being scared of such a little thing.

Whereas I have opened a cupboard in my kitchen (while the house was being completely renovated meaning a lot disruption) and come face to face with a large rat working his way through an old bag of flour. Didn't bother me in the slightest, but I am not so fucked up as to mock people who are scared of rats/mice etc.

Phobias are not simply 'being scared'. There is often a serious background to any phobia and I judge no one for being scared of rats, snakes, worms, enclosed spaces whatever.

And anyone who bought an arachnophobe a book about spiders, would be as cruel and vindictive as someone who giving a book about the pleasures of sex to someone who had been raped.

For all of you with spider phobias you do know you can be cured, don’t you? I remember a strapping young guy who was working with our horses - former military police - who wouldn’t sleep in a house with a spider in the spare bedroom.

Her amygdala is wired to see spiders as a serious threat to life. It happens. The reaction I have makes me want to slap myself. The dance is the body trying to get away quickly.

People who touch them with their bare hands, name them, and say they are happy to share space with them freak me out no end.

Your reaction was just as OTT as hers with the anthropomorphism, only yours was totally under your control.

People have phobias of spiders, the whole point of a phobia is that it’s irrational, you can’t control your body’s reaction.

This brilliant post has made me want to start a petition to MN, to put the laugh reaction back At Once.🕷️

Hilarious!! (Sorry OP, was responding to NigeltheSpider's name)

Dead 🤣🤣