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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad's abusive behaviour. Talk some sense to me please

44 replies

freekeyfriday · 02/08/2025 00:39

I'm a bit shaken and would just like some views on this. I'm staying at my dad's right now with my dd10, we usually live abroad but back for some visa-related stuff (minus dp who is back home minding the fort) and dad and my stepmum offered for us to stay in the airbnb they run, for a week. Obviously very kind, I've been really looking after the airbnb and haven't asked them for anything else, we've had a couple of meals and things have been fine. I would say me and my dad have an ok relationship, he has always been emotionally distant and my lovely stepmom is the glue who holds us together. He also has a drinking problem, I see him drunk almost every time I visit and it makes him confrontational, and unfortunately he and a couple of my other siblings aren't very nice people if you get on the wrong side of them, so I tend to smile and nod a lot when I am with him which serves me well as I hate conflict.

Tonight when we came over for a planned dinner, I was a bit shaken up because an idiot walked out in front of my moving car while looking at his phone and I had to make a police report etc (the idiot is absolutely fine btw... I emergency stopped) - very stressful on top of the visa stuff. We sat down and my dad, who was about 3 JD and cokes in, started interrogating my dd about why she won't eat seafood. He was quite aggressive in tone, I could tell it was the alcohol, and scolding her. I just didnt like where it was going, and she was bewildered, so I asked him fairly calmly to just drop it as dd's eating habits are fine by me and it would be nice if we could have a chill evening. He reacted by getting in my face saying some pretty nasty stuff, then when my stepmom said we should all calm down, he stood up and launched his plate of food at the French doors behind my chair. Smashed plate, glass everywhere, food everywhere. He then told me to 'f* myself' and stormed out of the house.

All this in front of my dd who was shocked and really upset. She asked me if it was her fault for not eating the seafood. Her dad was abusive and everyone in the family knows that is why I left him as he did this stuff in front of her. My now partner of 2 years is the opposite, very gentle and himself survived awful dv as a child, and is absolutely furious this has happened to us. Dad hasn't texted me, called me or tried to make amends in the 4 hours since this happened. My stepmom just blamed it on Jack Daniels which I think is so pathetic. I found myself wanting to apologise to her which is stupid I know.

My dp suggested we leave tomorrow and he will book us an airbnb somewhere else. We dont need to be in London til next Wednesday for the visa appt and my dad's place is free to stay, but it is literally 2 doors down from my dads and I feel so upset, uncomfortable here now and I dont want dd to think this is alright or gloss it over. And tbh, this has made me want to go LC/NC with my dad as I recently did with one of my siblings.

WWYD? Leave tomorrow or stick it out for a few more days? I really need a sense check here.

OP posts:
Frozensun · 02/08/2025 00:45

Leave. The most important thing is to show your child that you will not accept this behaviour, and I think by removing yourself & child is a strong message to her. As to your future relationship with dad, if it were me I would be dialling it right back.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/08/2025 00:47

I would leave tonight, not tomorrow.

Brendahollowayreconsider · 02/08/2025 00:52

That's a insane reaction,no one should have to see that let alone a child.
Leave at earliest opportunity and cut contact.
Your dad's drink problem isn't your problem.

Eenameenadeeka · 02/08/2025 01:05

Absolutely leave.

RosaMundi27 · 02/08/2025 01:07

I would leave asap - for your own peace of mind, and to let your child know that there is an alternative to being trapped with an abusive relative, which is to remove yourself to somewhere better. No offence, but your father sounds like an abusive alcoholic. Until that's addressed, I don't think you should engage.

Temporaryname158 · 02/08/2025 01:11

Get booked into a hotel and move asap. Just lock up and stick the keys through the letter box for them.

i would block your father phone number and make no further contact. His behaviour was appalling, only made worse that he did this in front of a child.

remove him from your life and make sure your daughter sees and understands why this behaviour is never tolerated

Thedogscollar · 02/08/2025 01:14

You need to be the role model for your child.
Abuse is never excusable and should not be tolerated.
The only option is to leave asap.
Your father sounds like a nasty drunken bully. Definitely I'd be NC with him.
Look after yourself and your child.

Brendahollowayreconsider · 02/08/2025 01:17

Plus your daughter asking if it was her fault.
That's unforgivable to put a child in that position and state of fear.

ThatWhiteElephant · 02/08/2025 01:20

Leave first thing in the morning (if you haven’t already gone) just get your child away from that excuse of a father / grandad.
I would have left straight away tbh.

Sedgwick · 02/08/2025 01:22

As your partner suggests you should leave. I would also go NC. Your DD is your priority, she has done nothing wrong. You need to show her this is not acceptable behaviour. That’s really important.Your father is a nasty drunk. Wishing you strength. Just get out of there.

Ferrissia3 · 02/08/2025 01:36

OBVIOUSLY leave (although I can understand why it may not seem completely obvious to you op, given your background).

Zero contact with this dangerous man until he has been sober for a while and comes begging forgiveness. If that doesn't happen then so be it.

Protect your family (including yourself). None of you deserve this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2025 01:39

Another saying leave.

Your DD needs to know you will keep her safe. By leaving, and most importantly telling her why, she will know that you will always have her back.

Your stepmother may be an enabler, but you shouldnt be.

Jux · 02/08/2025 01:45

Leave, yes absolutely. You need to do this for yourself, but also to show your dd how to behave should she ever find herself in a situation, or god forbid a relationship, like this. You would want her to pack up straight a2ay and not tolerate it at all, wouldn’t you? Show her how to do that.

Original poster
freekeyfriday · 02/08/2025 01:45

I do agree, it's tough because this trip is financially tight anyway but we can manage an airbnb or hotel in a pinch, I just cant believe this has happened. I know he won't apologise, he never has in my life. But I know I can't just stay here after such a shocking incident. It is so unacceptable, I'm in my late 30s and a mum. I cant believe I am dealing with this after a shit marriage I had to walk away from. Mealtimes were battlegrounds with my ex-h too, but this time I stood my ground and it made my dad go from 0-100. I've been kind of 'black sheeped' by members of my family since I left my H and it's incredibly painful and this is just the icing on the cake. We are jet lagged on top of everything, trying to get this thing done next week so we can fly home and now this. It's so upsetting.

OP posts:
Ferrissia3 · 02/08/2025 01:50

Cycle breaking is hard and ongoing work. Keep it up and don't forget to congratulate yourself for doing so well 💚

Velmy · 02/08/2025 01:56

Stay strong and get out. If he drinks a lot, then 3 JD and Cokes isn't going to get him drunk enough to lose control. That's the real him you're seeing, even if he does try to blame the booze.

He sounds like an absolutely pathetic man, only getting brave enough to shout at women after a drink. Neither you nor your daughter deserve to be exposed to that.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/08/2025 02:01

Definitely leave OP. What an awful incident, just horrible. I really feel for you and your daughter.

I haven't voted as I'm not sure if you're asking if YANBU to stay or leave.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/08/2025 02:05

I've been kind of 'black sheeped' by members of my family since I left my [abusive] H

When I read things like this @freekeyfriday I truly despair of humanity. How fucking dare they! 👊🏻

Original poster
freekeyfriday · 02/08/2025 02:13

sad but true @Isittimeformynapyet . My older brother and my younger sister have tried to make me into some kind of pity case or train wreck depending on their moods... My sister also kicked me out of her house last year, and my older brother ignores me to the extent he left a close family funeral without saying goodbye to me. All because I left my H and found my strength, finally. It hurts - but my dad has never kicked off at me like this before and its so out of the blue.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 02/08/2025 02:22

freekeyfriday · 02/08/2025 02:13

sad but true @Isittimeformynapyet . My older brother and my younger sister have tried to make me into some kind of pity case or train wreck depending on their moods... My sister also kicked me out of her house last year, and my older brother ignores me to the extent he left a close family funeral without saying goodbye to me. All because I left my H and found my strength, finally. It hurts - but my dad has never kicked off at me like this before and its so out of the blue.

I think it helps to remind yourself that there’s something wrong with your family and how they view abuse. That might be because they’re so immune to it that they don’t see it as a big deal, or that they’re abusive themselves, or a dozen other reasons. Essentially, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you know you did the right thing by getting out of that relationship.

And it’s time to do it again. It’s shit that it has to be this way, and that he can’t control himself or take responsibility for himself; but you’re not his verbal punching bag and neither is your DD. You can do this. You’ve done it once, and you were fine. And you will be fine again. And your DD will learn a very valuable lesson by seeing you do it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2025 02:24

freekeyfriday · 02/08/2025 02:13

sad but true @Isittimeformynapyet . My older brother and my younger sister have tried to make me into some kind of pity case or train wreck depending on their moods... My sister also kicked me out of her house last year, and my older brother ignores me to the extent he left a close family funeral without saying goodbye to me. All because I left my H and found my strength, finally. It hurts - but my dad has never kicked off at me like this before and its so out of the blue.

You know why they are so angry with you?

Because you are what they wish they could be. You have a strength that they dont have. They want to be you yet know that they arent prepared to do what it takes.

By standing strong you are showing them that they can do it too. That the suffering is hard but survivable, that the rewards of walking away are worth the short term pain. If they choose to take the easy but worst route, well that is on them. But you shouldnt back down just because they cant or wont stand their ground. You scare them as you have a courage that they dont have.

You are a hero. There is one in every disfunctional family, the person who breaks the cycle, who says "ENOUGH!" and thats you!

Morningsleepin · 02/08/2025 02:40

Sounds like he is the reason you ended up in an abusive relationship. That is so hard

pikkumyy77 · 02/08/2025 03:17

The violence was bad enough but you and your daughter could have been seriously injured from flying glass as well. You must leave. Its too dangerous to stay.

cafenoirbiscuit · 02/08/2025 03:44

Oh love. So sorry this has happened to you and your DD.
I’m estranged from a difficult dad and for years I tried to justify or understand his very difficult behaviour. In the end I couldn’t any longer. Walking away has been really hard so I do get how tricky your position is, but your DD will never forget how you put her first, and drew a line in the sand. I wish my mum could have done that instead of turning the other cheek.
All will be good x

Valeriekat · 02/08/2025 07:38

Is your stepmother also a victim of his abusive behaviour?