My dad's abusive behaviour. Talk some sense to me please

[freekeyfriday]

I'm a bit shaken and would just like some views on this. I'm staying at my dad's right now with my dd10, we usually live abroad but back for some visa-related stuff (minus dp who is back home minding the fort) and dad and my stepmum offered for us to stay in the airbnb they run, for a week. Obviously very kind, I've been really looking after the airbnb and haven't asked them for anything else, we've had a couple of meals and things have been fine. I would say me and my dad have an ok relationship, he has always been emotionally distant and my lovely stepmom is the glue who holds us together. He also has a drinking problem, I see him drunk almost every time I visit and it makes him confrontational, and unfortunately he and a couple of my other siblings aren't very nice people if you get on the wrong side of them, so I tend to smile and nod a lot when I am with him which serves me well as I hate conflict.

Tonight when we came over for a planned dinner, I was a bit shaken up because an idiot walked out in front of my moving car while looking at his phone and I had to make a police report etc (the idiot is absolutely fine btw... I emergency stopped) - very stressful on top of the visa stuff. We sat down and my dad, who was about 3 JD and cokes in, started interrogating my dd about why she won't eat seafood. He was quite aggressive in tone, I could tell it was the alcohol, and scolding her. I just didnt like where it was going, and she was bewildered, so I asked him fairly calmly to just drop it as dd's eating habits are fine by me and it would be nice if we could have a chill evening. He reacted by getting in my face saying some pretty nasty stuff, then when my stepmom said we should all calm down, he stood up and launched his plate of food at the French doors behind my chair. Smashed plate, glass everywhere, food everywhere. He then told me to 'f* myself' and stormed out of the house.

All this in front of my dd who was shocked and really upset. She asked me if it was her fault for not eating the seafood. Her dad was abusive and everyone in the family knows that is why I left him as he did this stuff in front of her. My now partner of 2 years is the opposite, very gentle and himself survived awful dv as a child, and is absolutely furious this has happened to us. Dad hasn't texted me, called me or tried to make amends in the 4 hours since this happened. My stepmom just blamed it on Jack Daniels which I think is so pathetic. I found myself wanting to apologise to her which is stupid I know.

My dp suggested we leave tomorrow and he will book us an airbnb somewhere else. We dont need to be in London til next Wednesday for the visa appt and my dad's place is free to stay, but it is literally 2 doors down from my dads and I feel so upset, uncomfortable here now and I dont want dd to think this is alright or gloss it over. And tbh, this has made me want to go LC/NC with my dad as I recently did with one of my siblings.

WWYD? Leave tomorrow or stick it out for a few more days? I really need a sense check here.

Definitely get yourself booked in elsewhere and leave. Don't teach your daughter that when abuse happens it's fine to stick it out, teach her when abuse happens you leave.

This.

Your step mum might be lovely but she’s an enabler - you need to steer clear of them both.

Put your DD first and get away from them.

Leave, and also talk to your stepmother about leaving - tell her how you've been happier since getting out of your abusive relationship, offer her what practical support you can and so on.

First post nails it. The most important thing here is a very strong message to your daughter about this being entirely unacceptable and a lesson in keeping yourself safe in the face of abusive behaviour.

I would leave his Airbnb asap and set an example to your DD that his behaviour was unacceptable and will not be tolerated. I would also go very low contact and be honest with him that his drinking and aggressive behaviour when he's had alcohol is the problem. Your poor DD having to experience that. I hope she's ok.

He never apologises? Narc tendencies so. Leave for sure.

I have a dysfunctional family like this OP so my heart goes out to you.

(I left my family. The future can be better)

Holy fuck, you poor thing x

That is absolutely terrifying as an adult but especially as a young child. Stuff happened in my house as a kid (not quite as bad as your plate smashing but perhaps it was in a different way). And I still can rewind in my head to bring all the emotions back of the events.
Definitely leave, you can’t risk this happening again

Ditch your family. They all sound deeply unpleasant.

Get your visa sorted out and then go home ensuring they are all blocked. Focus your life on your DC and partner - walk away from this abuse.

Leave NOW and find a travelodge or whatever as far away from your father as you can. Tell DD none of this is her fault, and apologise to her for exposing her to this. Block him from your life, he is not worth it.

Yes this. The messaging to your daughter is the most important thing. This is unacceptable behavior from a person, and we wont accept it and will remove ourselves from the situation.

If anyone I knew did that in front of my child, they would be permanently out of my/their life, parent or no parent.

Get out and never let him near you or your DD again.

*If he reached out years later having done tonnes of therapy and apologised, I would consider hearing him out. Otherwise never again.

He sounds exactly like my Dad, when we were kids. I'd leave and go No Contact. My Dad is now 83, and can't do anything for himself, so me and my sibling are his carers. Don't get stuck with that shit. I bet your step mum will be long gone by the time he needs care. Run! Don't be me!

You can stop anytime you know? Why feel loyalty to someone who did that?

Easier said than done. He did mellow in his twilight years. We have carers going in, but it's still a huge amount of work. 😰

Definitely leave now. As others have said, it’s important to teach your daughter that you won’t tolerate abuse. I would wait for him to contact you to apologise (if he’s the type), not that any apology would be good enough of course, but at least it’ll open a conversation about his drinking and abusive behaviour. Is this the first time he’s done something this bad? If he realises he has a problem, both with drink & his behaviour, is apologetic, and willing to get help, I would put a LOT of time between us, maybe years to see if he actually does make any changes. If he does and continues to be apologetic and regretful then I would probably give him one last chance, on the condition he stayed sober during the visit. However if he doesn’t reach out to apologise I would say that the relationship is over.

Your poor DD. Absolutely get yourself and DD to a safe place and make a police statement. He shouldn’t be running an AirBnB if Jack Daniels has this effect on him, and you were both at risk of serious injury. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the family think.

This.

It's very very difficult being the cycle breaker... those who haven't don't like it when we are no longer towing the line and making life easier for them.

💐 Well done OP.