Not sure what to do about dd’s boyfriend (17), he's being made homeless

[Mid40smum]

My dd is 18 and has been with her boyfriend for almost a year now but they’ve known each other a long time. He joined her school when they were 14 and they were just mates for ages before it turned into anything more. He’s had a rough time at home for as long as I can remember. He told dd that when he was younger his stepdad used to hit him and his mum would just brush it off or pretend it didn’t happen. Now he says if his stepdad ever tried anything again he’d hit him back so it sounds like he’s just had to learn to defend himself.

He has three younger siblings and they’ve been taken into care but he wasn’t. I think it’s because of his age maybe but not sure. He said he used to basically be raising them himself anyway. Buying food for them with his apprenticeship wages and feeding them and getting them ready for school. He also told dd once that he remembers watching his dad get arrested when he was little and his mum tells him it didn’t happen and that he dreamt it but he’s adamant that it did and to be honest it sounds believable.

He’s been coming to our house for dinner for a couple of years now. He never really had meals at home and I just wanted to make sure he was eating properly. He’s always been polite and grateful and he’s good with the baby too.

Back in March last year dd told me she was pregnant. I was shocked and upset at first but I told her I’d support her. She said her boyfriend was the father even though they weren’t together at the time. She said they’d only slept together once and he didn’t believe her at first which upset her because he was the only person she’d ever been with. A few days later he came round and told her he did want to be involved and that he wanted the baby and wanted to build a family. He said he wanted someone to love him and be there for him which was quite heartbreaking really. They got together properly in May and my gorgeous grandson was born in December.

He was still trying to care for his siblings after the baby was born but he started to realise he couldn’t be there for everyone. So he told the school everything and that’s how the siblings ended up being taken into care. His mum is furious with him and has told him she wants him out on his 18th birthday which is on the 12th so he’s only got 11 days left. He stays at ours most nights anyway but it’s different knowing he’s properly being kicked out.

He’s asked me to help him and dd get a place of their own. He said he’s going to be homeless and I don’t know if he meant to guilt trip me but it sort of felt that way. I do believe he’s scared though. Dd said she would like to help and told him they could look after his siblings if social services allowed it but she told me separately that she doesn’t think that will happen. She’s worried he’s getting his hopes up and she’s probably right. She’s only 18 herself and has a young baby and the youngest sibling is only 3.

I think the thing that worries me is how intense he is emotionally. He seems to need constant reassurance. Like all the time. He wants dd to be cuddling him or kissing him or telling him she loves him. If she’s focused on the baby too long he gets upset and says things like she doesn’t love him anymore or that he doesn’t matter. Yesterday I heard him shouting at her saying why don’t you love me and then half an hour later they were sitting on the sofa together like nothing happened.

I do think he has some serious attachment issues. I’ve suggested he speak to someone but he won’t. He just laughs it off or says he doesn’t need help.

I don’t really know what to do. He is a good dad and I do think he loves dd and the baby but I don’t know if they’re ready to have their own place and maybe be responsible for his siblings too. And I’m also worried that this constant need for love and attention from dd will end up dragging her down. She’s already tired with the baby and now she’s trying to carry him emotionally too.

Sorry this is all so long and messy just needed to write it all down really.

Some awful replies on here. it’s really sad that people see a young person whose had a rough start and doesn’t handle everything perfectly and think ‘red flag’ ‘kick him out’ ‘get rid’. Like it or not he’s the father of a child and that child needs him around and in good shape.

OP you sound like a measured and sensible person who wants to do right by this lad, your DD and DGC. The family social worker is probably a good place to start to understand housing options. If he can get his own place he has a better chance of getting some support rather than disappearing out of the system into your home. Be aware that hostel places, if he’s offered that, would likely mean he needed to sleep there a minimum number of nights.

He needs love and structure but he would definitely benefit from therapy. The suggestion of some that it be a condition of your support is probably not the way to go - for one thing, where will he get the money for that?! There may be some local charities or groups in your area that support young men with attachment/parenting/mental health problems.

People can become much more than their past, with help.

This is a terrible situation. The poor young man has had no support. He definitely needs therapy and this should be encouraged. But I don't think allowing him to move in would help. Your daughter needs emotional protection too ( and probably therapy). I do think you should still provide a safe space for them as a family though. I can appreciate how difficult this is for you but perhaps a regular weekly family afternoon meal etc. and then perhaps specifying a couple of nights a week for overnight stays. Good luck OP this will be so tricky to emotionally navigate.

This boy needs help, he's just a child who's had an awful start, but you are not the person to give it and neither is your DD. She's a child herself who has already had a lot to deal with. It's absolutely not ok for her to be put in a position where she's expected to 'save' him or look after him. Definitely don't let him move in with you or encourage your DD to move in with him.

I would encourage him to get his own place right now, but reassure him he can continue to come over as regularly as he is doing …(maybe even more?) and then you’ll help them move in together in a year’s time, once everything is a bit more settled. And could you maybe try to make it clear that he will always be welcomed by the family either as daughter’s boyfriend or simply father of the baby regardless of what happens. It seems like maybe he feels like he needs to ‘keep’ your daughter or he will lose your lovely family, when actually them just being friends might be a lot easier!

Would also be nice if you could ‘mother’ him a bit by going to see where he lives and helping him settle in/ buy some bedding or something nice.

You could also offer to allow his contact time with siblings to be at your house so they could meet the baby and feel a bit more connected all together.

Oh this is a hard one, you can see him as a young person who’s been through an awful time but you also need to protect your daughter

the jealousy of the baby - I think this is happening because he’s seeing how much your daughter loves her baby and it’s bringing it home to him that his own parents weren’t like that. And now he’s lost his siblings. It’s sad and unfair for him but obviously this is a worrying situation for your daughter to be in because it’s not her job to fix it all.

What kind of money does he make?
Could you help him find a place of his own , even a room share type thing and keep things the way are now : he comes over and sees the baby, has dinner, stays over X amount of nights as long as your daughter is ok with that. If it gets too much and the relationship breaks down at least he’s set up with a roof over his head and your daughter can put boundaries in place

They’ll boot him out at 18 I suspect

This is such a horrible post.

I had the same childhood as this poor guy. My parents physically fought all of the time, alcohol and drugs involved etc.

I’m now 32 with qualifications, a Husband I’ve been with since I was 13 and still very much in love, we have a beautiful 2 year old and one on the way, a lovely home. I broke the cycle and the only way I could do that was with support!

I could have quite easily ended up down the homeless, addiction route thanks to my parents.

This guy is crying out for love by the sounds of it and I’m so glad that OP sounds like a wonderful person who is trying to support him. I’m also not saying it’s ideal to move him in. But support him? Encourage him to be an involved and loving father? Absolutely.

@Mid40smumyou sound amazing and kind, thank you for helping him because you are likely to be the person that sets him up for a stable life. X

this

Sadly this is exactly what my parents did in the 90s. Both came from extremely similar circumstances to this boy, 3 kids and over 20 yrs together. Domestic violence, abuse, neglect, refuges, jealousy. All 3 of us have severe MH issues and 2 adult kids no contact with 1 parent and 2 no contact with the other now.

Very sad situation for everyone in this family. I hope youre doing okay op

This^ absolutely especially that your daughter would be very vulnerable if they moved out together.
She is so young herself and now she is responsible for her child, she won’t cope with so many responsibilities, it’s too much for one person.

How is the contact managed. All the kids need the contact unless theres unhealthy behaviours going on eg saying you’re coming home with me. It’s important for the children to have contact, but mum may not be happy about or saying things to the other children. This is something the family social worker needs to help with and you may help by being a supportive adult and helping him explain what he wants in conversation with them.

Foster carers/social workers will want to vet you and contact is usually in neutral location. If formal there may be a contact supervisor.

He is the father of your grandchild so even if the relationship fizzles (probably) being a positive influence will help your grandchild and daughter and their life chances.

It sounds like you're doing all you can to support your daughter, her boyfriend and your grandchild. I suspect you'll let him move in for now (I'd likely do the same so I could keep an eye on things), but I'd caveat that with saying that in order to do so he needs to seek therapy and actually do it. It sounds like he's had an incredibly troubled life and I suspect this'll be necessary for him to get over the jealousy that he's exhibiting. He's had years of not being the focus - or even on the periphery - of his mother's love. He needs to understand that your daughter doesn't care for him any less now there's a child to consider too. That said, if your daughter has any reservations at all and wants to focus on her child, that's got to be your priority.

I think because of his past he is leaning on your DD for love and comfort and not providing them will look like a rejection for him, and he sounds like a person who might react intensely to rejection.
I would discourage her to move out. She feels confident now because she is with you in her own home. She would feel differently with him shouting at her when it’s only them and a small baby. And his jealousy is nothing normal and might be very dangerous for the baby.

This depends on your finances, but I would sit them down, and tell them what a wonderful job they’ve done, and say we would be happy if you moved in for, let’s say a year, and we can see where you two are going with regards to your own place, and we do have one condition. We’d like to pay for (I can’t decide if just him, both separately, or the couple) to do therapy. You’ve had a very difficult life (to the boy) and done an exceptional job, and we are so proud of you thinking about how you cared for your siblings, but that leaves you with stuff to work through in how relationships work. I think you might need help learning you can have a great relationship and argue, or not be cuddly all the time- if <daughter> wants to go out with friends that’s normal, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. And also, you’re both so young that while you seem amazing right now, you will grow and change, which is harder to work through with a baby too. So we’d like you to go and talk with someone.
and some other house rules maybe!!

so that’s if you can afford the therapy, that’s what I’d do. And help what sounds like an amazing young man.

Based on your post, I would feel sorry for the lad and want to help him if possible... but your first loyalty must be to your DD.

She sounds to be at serious risk of coercive control. Your grandchild is also potentially at risk. You have witnessed him getting jealous about the attention she gives their child, demanding constant reassurance and telling your DD she must not love him. These are potentially very worrying behaviours and you've already picked up on the burden on your DD here. She could well end up feeling trapped with this man or going around forced to constantly walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off, and the idea that their child is being framed by him as a rival is especially worryingly.

Yes, he's been through terrible things and is a victim of his circumstances, but the reality of the world is that a lot of controlling and abusive people are themselves victims and have experienced terrible trauma. People are not good or bad; victims or villains. Most people are a bit of both.

I would recommend that whatever help you give to them, you always stick to two rules. 1. Don't give so much to them as a unit that you could no longer afford to support your DD separately if she wanted or needed to leave him, and 2. Always give your DD the consistent, clear message that no matter how much you might like and respect her partner, she is your concern and you would support her whatever she decides.

Hmm, I'm torn.

It sounds like your family is a positive influence on him. Would it be possible to let him move in but on the condition that they both take parenting classes?

Like it or not, he's in your daughter's life forever now. This may be a chance to help steer him toward a more positive outcome.
It would be hard work, but could really change all their lives for the better.

It is awful that he is so needy, however it takes real character and a good, good heart to do what he was for his siblings.

A lot of green ones too!!

He's working
He's a good, reliable dad
He looks after his siblings

All that in spite of being abused.

I agree with everything you say...but something about writing off an 18 year old because they've had a shit upbringing feels very dark. A lot of people use their bad starts as fuel to break the cycle. I think they owe him a chance.

My worry is the jealousy though. Everything else aside, what happens if in a few years time OPs daughter decides that this isn't the man she wants to grow old with, for whatever reason? If he can't deal with his own child being fussed over by its mother for five minutes, how will he deal with rejection? He must go down the therapy route to address that.

Do not move this boy in.
Your daughter is not a rehab centre and neither are you.

I have been in a similar situation-DD a bit older, violent abusive partner, and pregnant. He lived at home with a difficult background but not on the scale you describe. At the time she got pregnant they lived with his mum, he had never had a job, no qualifications etc. He didn’t want the baby but stuck with DD (very much a double edged sword)

I work for a children’s charity (now, not then)

We decided to keep DD close-they moved in with us- we had more room. He was horrible. Abusive (also to me) but if we kicked him out, she would go too, and we wanted to make sure the baby and DD had support. After 2 years he was working, and they moved out together. 10 years on he has a steady job, they have another child, stable housing and he has changed a lot. He has learnt a lot. He is not violent.

I tell you this because if they want to, people can change. But also because whilst none of this is ideal, sometimes you have to work with what you have and just aim to keep your Dd and your grandchild as safe as you can. It’s likely if he gets accommodation, DD will go with him isn’t it? I’d try and keep them at home if you can. It’s safer for her.

As to housing, 16 year olds can leave home. However housing and benefits broadly start at 18. It’s right that you should talk to SS but I’m not sure they will give him somewhere safe to live (a hostel or similar when he is so vulnerable seems like a bad idea). And DD may go with him, with the baby.

Im not saying take him in it will be fine. I am saying, he is a vulnerable young man and your DD is tied to him. In similar circumstances I just tried to protect DD. It was horrid and many times I bloody hated him and her and was scared for all of us. For us, 10 years on, he isn’t brilliant but he is better than I imagined and a better dad than I thought possible. And the DGC I have such a special bond with, all those happy happy times with him as a baby are irreplaceable.

All this, you must do this and you must insist on that is great in theory but you cannot insist, you have no power here. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and hope like hell. And sometimes it turns out ok. Best wishes to you all.

Oh bloody hell! Taking a violent abusive man into your house in the hope that it may all turn out right. I don't think OP should do this.

If I've understood the situation correctly, the daughter and her boyfriend have never been in a relationship as such and the baby is the result of a one-off event?

In which case, why would they want to move in together? That would be like an arranged marriage.

They can be good friends, respect and support each other and be loving co-parents without forcing themselves to be a couple.

OP, you could help and support the boyfriend to find his own place and welcome him into your home as a visitor and your grandchild's father. If, further down the line, the daughter and boyfriend decide there is love between them and they want to be together, it will happen naturally.

OK your priority has to be DD.
My heart goes out to this young lad, he's had a very tough upbringing and no wonder it has left emotional scars.
He does need support, counselling, security the question is how to achieve this?
I'm not an expert.
Are there any charities that support young people/offer advice?
Can social services help? Tbh it may have been better if he had been taken into care I guess they didn't as he was nearly 18.
He needs to go to the local council for housing advice and he should also go to GP to see if he can get some counselling.
You sound very very kind and you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, the motherly instinct would make we want to offer him a roof over his head support him. BUT a stronger motherly instinct would make me protective of DD, this relationship will be hard work and drag her down. Not through any fault of his own but because of the emotional issues he has understandably been left with due to his traumatic upbringing.
So I would be very reluctant to to offer him a permanent home as your first priority needs to be DD and DGS.
No easy solution, I really feel for you, DD and the boyfriend.