Not sure what to do about dd’s boyfriend (17), he's being made homeless

[Mid40smum]

My dd is 18 and has been with her boyfriend for almost a year now but they’ve known each other a long time. He joined her school when they were 14 and they were just mates for ages before it turned into anything more. He’s had a rough time at home for as long as I can remember. He told dd that when he was younger his stepdad used to hit him and his mum would just brush it off or pretend it didn’t happen. Now he says if his stepdad ever tried anything again he’d hit him back so it sounds like he’s just had to learn to defend himself.

He has three younger siblings and they’ve been taken into care but he wasn’t. I think it’s because of his age maybe but not sure. He said he used to basically be raising them himself anyway. Buying food for them with his apprenticeship wages and feeding them and getting them ready for school. He also told dd once that he remembers watching his dad get arrested when he was little and his mum tells him it didn’t happen and that he dreamt it but he’s adamant that it did and to be honest it sounds believable.

He’s been coming to our house for dinner for a couple of years now. He never really had meals at home and I just wanted to make sure he was eating properly. He’s always been polite and grateful and he’s good with the baby too.

Back in March last year dd told me she was pregnant. I was shocked and upset at first but I told her I’d support her. She said her boyfriend was the father even though they weren’t together at the time. She said they’d only slept together once and he didn’t believe her at first which upset her because he was the only person she’d ever been with. A few days later he came round and told her he did want to be involved and that he wanted the baby and wanted to build a family. He said he wanted someone to love him and be there for him which was quite heartbreaking really. They got together properly in May and my gorgeous grandson was born in December.

He was still trying to care for his siblings after the baby was born but he started to realise he couldn’t be there for everyone. So he told the school everything and that’s how the siblings ended up being taken into care. His mum is furious with him and has told him she wants him out on his 18th birthday which is on the 12th so he’s only got 11 days left. He stays at ours most nights anyway but it’s different knowing he’s properly being kicked out.

He’s asked me to help him and dd get a place of their own. He said he’s going to be homeless and I don’t know if he meant to guilt trip me but it sort of felt that way. I do believe he’s scared though. Dd said she would like to help and told him they could look after his siblings if social services allowed it but she told me separately that she doesn’t think that will happen. She’s worried he’s getting his hopes up and she’s probably right. She’s only 18 herself and has a young baby and the youngest sibling is only 3.

I think the thing that worries me is how intense he is emotionally. He seems to need constant reassurance. Like all the time. He wants dd to be cuddling him or kissing him or telling him she loves him. If she’s focused on the baby too long he gets upset and says things like she doesn’t love him anymore or that he doesn’t matter. Yesterday I heard him shouting at her saying why don’t you love me and then half an hour later they were sitting on the sofa together like nothing happened.

I do think he has some serious attachment issues. I’ve suggested he speak to someone but he won’t. He just laughs it off or says he doesn’t need help.

I don’t really know what to do. He is a good dad and I do think he loves dd and the baby but I don’t know if they’re ready to have their own place and maybe be responsible for his siblings too. And I’m also worried that this constant need for love and attention from dd will end up dragging her down. She’s already tired with the baby and now she’s trying to carry him emotionally too.

Sorry this is all so long and messy just needed to write it all down really.

I have a background of shit parents. If this weee me now I’m with one of my children’s friends/more than friends, I would help. Unless you’ve lived it most do not understand the huge disadvantage a shit start imposed, how hard you have to work to overcome it, and how easily it all tooled without decent family support. I have literally noting now - I’m looking at being in deep poverty for my retirement. I’d open my door to young people struggling - I know what it’s like

I think to call someone who has grown up in an abusive home ‘nasty’ really isn’t very nice and it’s clear to see some of you are speaking from a place of privilege.

He'll convince her to get pregnant again as a way to get a place of their own. What a mess.

Can you let him move in on the condition that he goes to weekly therapy? Because ultimately he will be in your daughter’s life in some form or other, so it’s much better he gets his attachment stuff sorted sooner rather than later. You could also try explicitly modelling behaviour to him to show healthy attachment, and giving him some insight and tools.

And that's a fact is it?

‘Needs to try and sort out his own issues’ - he’s a soon to be homeless child with no family support, do you have a teenager? Most couldn’t dig themselves out of that hole!

This is the answer.

I would follow @Crazyquilter’s advice and tell him to get in touch with his family’s Social Worker ASAP and see what can be arranged for him.

Your DD needs to focus on getting back to college and your grandson -setting up home with him or having him move in will just add stress. Eventually they may move in together, but not right now.

Are you saying it’s not possible for someone who grew up in an abusive home to be nasty?

How odd.

His awful mum almost definitely had an abusive childhood. She didn’t gain the tools to do better and did such a shit job she had 3 of them taken off her. Was she not nasty because she had a good excuse? How about his criminal dad and violent step dad? Just poor victims?

Surely he will have a social worker? Can you get him to arrange a meeting and for you and your dd to be present to discuss things?

But the OP has already said that he’s a polite boy who’s in an apprenticeship programme and appears to be good dad? Most neglected children (and adults) are terrified that people will eventually leave them, it’s a trauma response. I just think quite a few people on this thread sound heartless and dismissive.

I do worry about the jealousy side of things though. It’s not constant but if dd is cuddling the baby for too long or really focused on him he’ll start asking her to cuddle him instead

You don’t say what she does when he says these things. Or what you do? He needs telling to knock it off and remember he jointly brought a baby into the world and that baby has needs and rights and he and your daughter have responsibilities - to the baby. Is she putting the baby down to pander to his attachment issues or telling him not to be so selfish?

And to answer your question - maybe if someone had have given a shit about his mother, this wouldn’t have happened. This is an opportunity to hopefully break the cycle.

He would be much better with his own place. He really needs to grow up now, tough as it sounds. Your daughter also. She already has far too much for an 18 year old and he sounds (maybe through no fault of his own) like a needy child-man. It's sounds much too intense already. If their relationship goes wrong, and it sounds really claustrophobic, where does that leave your daughter and grandchild?

Can he move in with you?

Thank you again for all the replies. It really does help to read through and get other points of view. I feel like I’m constantly second guessing myself.

Yes the college does have a nursery which is part of why dd picked it, but she doesn’t know her timetable or days yet – she won’t find that out until enrolment later this month so we’re a bit in limbo with sorting childcare until then.

Her boyfriend’s doing an electrician apprenticeship, he started in September just before the baby was born. I actually think knowing the baby was on the way gave him a real push to get into something steady. He gets up early and is doing well as far as I can tell.

Dd’s dad lives abroad so he’s not really involved in her day to day life, it’s just been me here for her and the baby.

I do think his siblings are a massive part of everything he’s dealing with. For so long they were kind of all he had and I think he saw himself as responsible for them. He admitted to dd that before he started earning, if there was no food in the house he used to shoplift to feed them. He’d go without meals himself a lot. Looking back I remember he was very skinny then and I did worry – that’s why I was always happy to have him round for dinner. I feel a bit guilty now that I didn’t do more but teenage boys can just be slim and he never told me much at that time. If I’d known what was going on I would’ve gone to the school straight away.

He’s told dd and me that he feels like he failed them. That he should’ve just kept quiet like his mum always told him to and waited until he turned 18, then got a place and taken them in. It’s like he’s built this picture in his head where that would’ve worked out. But realistically that wouldn’t have been so simple. Still I can see it’s eating him up.

He does have contact with them still but apparently someone (he just said “they” – so not sure if it’s social services or the foster carers) mentioned that contact might stop because the kids get really upset when he leaves. He was really upset about that. Since then he’s been saying more and more that they’d be happy and settled with him instead.

Dd has said she would try to get custody of them with him if they got their own place, but she’s admitted to me privately that she knows social services won’t allow it – not with them both being only just 18 and already having a baby. She’s tried to gently tell him the kids are settled and doing OK and that he can still be part of their lives. He did seem to accept that at first but now that contact might be stopped he’s digging his heels in again.

He has a really hard time trusting people. He didn’t even really open up to dd until quite a while into their relationship and with me he was polite but kept his distance for a long time. I think that’s why he doesn’t want therapy – to him it probably feels like being told to spill his life story to a stranger and I think that really scares him.

I just hope we can find some kind of stable ground for all of them.

This

As as former SW said up thread... The more you do, makes it less involvement from social services... And crucial lly the support he needs..

This sort of relational trauma needs specialist input.

You sound like a really lovely person OP - I hope he is able to get his own place

I would encourage your daughter to wait until the boyfriend has finished his apprenticeship and she's finished college before they look to move in together. I would help him navigate the process of presenting to the council as homeless and getting his own room. Shelter can likely help with this if you get in touch with them, they know the right things to say and what the council are legally obliged to do.

Help and support him to contact the right people at the council to find housing. Moving in with you has disaster and red flags written all over it.

Jesus Christ. What a fucking mess.

Your daughter will now be tied to this person for the rest of her life.

I feel sorry for him, what a shit life he's had, but honestly I would not be encouraging this relationship.

Due to his parents fucking him up, he has red flags all over the place.

Fucking hell. I feel so sorry for your DD.

Not only that, her child will be tied to this person for the rest of his life.

This guy is manipulative, and has threatened suicide. It's not his fault, but it's also not the responsibility of a teenage mother to manage him too.

If she d never met this guy, she would be single or with somebody decent and looking at going to uni.Or entering work and having a whole life ahead of her and now look at the mess she's in.

And the mother's even considering moving this guy in. I actually don't believe this.

he’s told dd before that the only reason he’s still here is because of her and the baby. That properly scared me if I’m honest

Oh my god. It really does keep getting worse.

I wouldn’t be encouraging the relationship either. Your dd will feel trapped if he moves in and unable to break up with him. She needs space from him

That’s a fair point and to be honest I don’t always know exactly how she responds in those moments if I’m not in the room.

Early on when he started saying things like “can I have a cuddle instead” or “can I have one too” she used to think he meant with the baby and would pass him over thinking that’s what he wanted. But I think she’s realised now it’s more about wanting her attention.

For example earlier tonight when he got here after work, she was in the living room cuddling the baby. He asked for a cuddle and she said “later” and he sort of just leaned his head on her shoulder while she kept cuddling the baby. I’ve seen her respond with a kiss or a quick cuddle too depending on what’s going on. But again, I’m not always in the room so I don’t see all of it.

I did speak to dd today about what I overheard yesterday when he was shouting “why don’t you love me.” I said it worried me and she said they’d had a bit of a disagreement and he got upset. She said she reassured him and he was fine after that. She didn’t seem shaken up by it but I did tell her that it’s not OK for him to be shouting things like that at her and that she shouldn’t feel responsible for keeping him steady all the time. She said she knows and that she’s trying to help him feel more secure but she understands she has to put the baby first.

I’m trying to keep an eye on things but it’s difficult when emotions are running so high and everyone’s still so young.