My dd is 18 and has been with her boyfriend for almost a year now but they’ve known each other a long time. He joined her school when they were 14 and they were just mates for ages before it turned into anything more. He’s had a rough time at home for as long as I can remember. He told dd that when he was younger his stepdad used to hit him and his mum would just brush it off or pretend it didn’t happen. Now he says if his stepdad ever tried anything again he’d hit him back so it sounds like he’s just had to learn to defend himself.
He has three younger siblings and they’ve been taken into care but he wasn’t. I think it’s because of his age maybe but not sure. He said he used to basically be raising them himself anyway. Buying food for them with his apprenticeship wages and feeding them and getting them ready for school. He also told dd once that he remembers watching his dad get arrested when he was little and his mum tells him it didn’t happen and that he dreamt it but he’s adamant that it did and to be honest it sounds believable.
He’s been coming to our house for dinner for a couple of years now. He never really had meals at home and I just wanted to make sure he was eating properly. He’s always been polite and grateful and he’s good with the baby too.
Back in March last year dd told me she was pregnant. I was shocked and upset at first but I told her I’d support her. She said her boyfriend was the father even though they weren’t together at the time. She said they’d only slept together once and he didn’t believe her at first which upset her because he was the only person she’d ever been with. A few days later he came round and told her he did want to be involved and that he wanted the baby and wanted to build a family. He said he wanted someone to love him and be there for him which was quite heartbreaking really. They got together properly in May and my gorgeous grandson was born in December.
He was still trying to care for his siblings after the baby was born but he started to realise he couldn’t be there for everyone. So he told the school everything and that’s how the siblings ended up being taken into care. His mum is furious with him and has told him she wants him out on his 18th birthday which is on the 12th so he’s only got 11 days left. He stays at ours most nights anyway but it’s different knowing he’s properly being kicked out.
He’s asked me to help him and dd get a place of their own. He said he’s going to be homeless and I don’t know if he meant to guilt trip me but it sort of felt that way. I do believe he’s scared though. Dd said she would like to help and told him they could look after his siblings if social services allowed it but she told me separately that she doesn’t think that will happen. She’s worried he’s getting his hopes up and she’s probably right. She’s only 18 herself and has a young baby and the youngest sibling is only 3.
I think the thing that worries me is how intense he is emotionally. He seems to need constant reassurance. Like all the time. He wants dd to be cuddling him or kissing him or telling him she loves him. If she’s focused on the baby too long he gets upset and says things like she doesn’t love him anymore or that he doesn’t matter. Yesterday I heard him shouting at her saying why don’t you love me and then half an hour later they were sitting on the sofa together like nothing happened.
I do think he has some serious attachment issues. I’ve suggested he speak to someone but he won’t. He just laughs it off or says he doesn’t need help.
I don’t really know what to do. He is a good dad and I do think he loves dd and the baby but I don’t know if they’re ready to have their own place and maybe be responsible for his siblings too. And I’m also worried that this constant need for love and attention from dd will end up dragging her down. She’s already tired with the baby and now she’s trying to carry him emotionally too.
Sorry this is all so long and messy just needed to write it all down really.