How I handled my autistic sons meltdown

[SNmum19620]

My DS is 7.5 with a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD.

His meltdowns have decreased in frequency over the last couple of years but whilst the amount has reduced, the severity is worse when he has one.

I had to remove his access to a particular YouTube channel today due to the videos containing swearing. When I gave him his tablet back after signing out of YouTube and putting him on a kids account he has gone absolutely biserk.

In hindsight he should have already had a child's account but we've never had any reason to worry about the content he has been watching until today as it's only ever train or bus related.

He tried to smash his tablet then attacked his father and I. We were being kicked, punched, things thrown at us. He was screaming like he was being seriously hurt - no exaggeration.

His younger (3yo) brother came in to see what was going on.

To prevent somebody getting seriously hurt I tried to get hold of his arms and somehow restrain him to the sofa. In the process of this, because he was thrashing about, he has ended up with a big scratch on his inner arm from my long nails 😔

He's calm now but with the amount of screaming he was doing beforehand I won't be surprised if the police turn up. If I heard a child screaming like that I would almost definitely report it.

My mind is now going ten to the dozen worrying that I'll get into trouble for the scratch and lose both of them.

We asked for team teach training on safe restraint and was told it isn't given to parents. What on are we supposed to do when he's endangering himself and other people?

Was I unreasonable for trying to restrain him in these circumstances? And am I going to lose my kids? 😔

You responded in the way you felt was best in the moment.

Ideally I would try to avoid restraining him at all unless he was at risk of hurting himself. Sometimes it safer to back away and let him safely calm himself. Easier said than done in the heat of the moment of course.

You did what was right in the moment. Looking out for your family and young child’s safety. Try not to worry. I know it’s a dreadful feeling but sometimes you’re backed in to a corner and don’t know which way to go.

Usually that's exactly what we do.

He was completely out of control this evening and it got to the point it was dangerous.

Dad was kicked in the face, I was punched repeatedly 😔

At school they do intervene physically when something like this is happening, but we as parents are told not to (I'm not referring to you here, but in general)

He can (and has) done a lot of damage to us and the home previously.

What would have happened if you just left the room?

Maybe it's time to now look around the house and start removing anything that is delicate or precious or sentimental. So that he can have a tantrum in any room without damaging your stuff. He will target the things you like the most. I have no idea how you'd do it in a kitchen though

Yes, I'd have tried restraining, and then left him alone first time he hit out. Tell the school so they are aware

He'd have continued to pursue me to attack. He'd have smashed up the room. Thrown anything that isn't bolted down. Probably smash the window, again.

6 televisions he has smashed, endless other electronics. He has hurt both himself and his little brother previously.

Dad has had a glass candle smashed over his head.

I could go on.

It doesn't happen often but when it does he's totally uncontrollable and endangers himself and everyone around him 😔

I’m really am sorry.

Your child should never have had access to YouTube, though. It’s a cesspit.

Thank you 🥺

His teacher is incredible and so supportive, I will let her know what happened.

What has he done to his brother? That would be a significant concern to me.

I'm inclined to agree with you after what I heard coming from it today.

Is there any room in your house you could make safe?
I'm no expert but when we had 2 children in the primary I work at that where autistic and could have serve meltdowns. They installed a charm down room, padding on walls, no windows and only soft furnishings so no risk they could harm themselves. They only restrained as a last resort.
You say they won't train parents in safe restraint but could you seekout training for yourself at all?

I’m sorry this happened to you OP, no real advice but try not to worry. Your kids won’t be taken away.

First, sympathy, it sounds horrendously difficult. Disclaimer: I have no personal experience, but a previous colleague went through something similar when her daughter was younger and I know she went on some kind of course she found really helpful I don't know exactly which one but it looks like HopeForFamiles run something similar.

it is so hard and I feel nothing but empathy for you as I understand what it is like. I have ended up in hospital with a broken elbow from being on the receiving end of my child’s violent rages.

I have found that restraint does not work with our daughter in terms of her calming down but sometimes it’s all you can do to try and protect siblings. We have been to Gp and school and early help workers as we were worried the neighbours would call the police on us (I wouldn’t blame them as it must sound awful, but all the violence is at us not from us).

if restraint is needed for safety reasons, the best method I have found is a large towel wrapped around them with their arms pinned to their sides. It may take two people to actually do this. This is the safest and least aggressive method we have found but mostly it does nothing to help the situation beyond giving time for sibling to get to safety.

I wish you all the best.

I am Team Teach trained, and I used to be a trainer. The first thing I’d say is that 90% of it is verbal behaviour management. If you haven’t already, try and get into a course for that. Non-physical courses are easier to come by.

Whether you’re meant to or not, I do use it at home. I use the guiding elements of it all of the team (that just involves gently moving someone in a certain direction) and we use the restraint element of it whenever it’s necessary for safety and to protect us.

The key things in TT are reasonable, proportionate and necessary. If he’s about to run in front of a bus, it’s necessary. If he’s hurting himself or others, necessary.

You may not be trained, but if you’re holding your child to prevent harm, and letting go as soon as that risk is either gone or lessened enough, you’re protecting your child.

If it helps, we recently had Early Help Social Services involvement, and they were supportive of us using TT at home to the point they looked at funding training for my partner… before telling us it’s not fundable through the LA. But they’re aware we use it, and nobody has taken anyone anywhere.

I restrain my DS during meltdowns. He pulls chunks of his own hair out, bangs his head against the wall and bites himself. Both of his arms are currently black and blue from bite marks. He tries to bite us, hit, spit at us, scratch, anything. I definitely TT him. He needs to be safe, and that's my job as a mam. You did the right thing OP. Don't feel bad, and hand hold 💐

Small screens are addictive (large ones can be, but concentration is far easier to break so it’s easier for them to come away from them.) YouTube kids or anything where they have physical (and psychological/literal) control over changing channels or games is a big part of that addiction. (I’m not saying you’re wrong for having iPads btw!) If possible either remove YouTube and replace with an app that is only vetted positive content or just get a dvd player and buy a tonne of child appropriate dvds and let him have control of changing it/choosing wha the wants (child friendly player so it doesn’t get broken in a meltdown). It will be a good while before his addiction tones down to the constant flipping and he’ll be agitated and upset about it but it will pass - lie, if he is someone who will accept things you tell him, (YouTube kids is now not for under 12s or the app is down but YouTube is working on it) or distract (whatever else he likes to do book it in all day every day until the initial addiction phase has passed). Of course, I know having an autistic child makes this a million times harder than with a NT child and he’ll hate you for a while but basically while you have any child addicted to something, you’re going to get addiction behaviour coming from them.

and no you won’t get your child taken from you! It was an accident and this happens. You’re doing wha thou can and more!

@SleeplessInWhereverexactly. I am also team teach trained and the majority of the (very useful) training is all around de-escalation and avoiding getting into a situation where restraint is necessary.

I also have an autistic little boy who was non verbal until very recently. He also watched YouTube for train videos and airports. We have now banned this, it has caused some massive meltdowns.

The way of dealing it that works for us is when he asks for it to very quietly say no and then walk away or change the subject. Might offer a desired activity such as tickles or bubbles.

I completely understand how you feel, it’s so hard. Don’t beat yourself up about it, you are doing your very best.

The only, gentle, advice that I do have @SNmum19620 is please - cut your nails.

Keep nails short, hair out of the way, and anything that can be pulled/choking hazards removed. I take my glasses off for meltdowns, for example.

Like others have said, please don’t beat yourself up. You’re trying your best, in a difficult situation, and are just trying to keep everyone safe. You sound like such a caring mum, they’re lucky to have you.

Oh OP, what a rough day you've all had.

Social services will not be removing any child for one scratch, particularly not a complex needs child - they'd struggle to place him for one.

As others have said, be kind to yourself- youre doing your best in extremely challenging circumstances

Sorry you are going through this. Fwiw we lost 5 tv's and I've been injured lots of times.
I asked for safe restraint techniques and was told parents couldn't have them. I had to make it up as I went along.
If it's any consolation I've just had a lovely evening chatting with my now teen who was so violent for so long. Now school is behind her, and she mostly dropped out, she is a different person.

Thank you so much for the helpful and supportive replies, it means a lot. I've taken on board the suggestions and taken heart from knowing I'm not alone.

It's exhausting isn't it?

It was only the other day I was telling a new-ish friend that it will get easier as her ASD little one gets older, as most of the time it truly does feel that way for us, then something like today happens and it feels completely overwhelming.

It is.

Our 8y/o got back from a lovely day grandparents at 3:30 today. By 4pm I had my first scratches on my hand, and by 5pm I’d been nearly knocked off my feet.

Lots of it does get easier. Communication for us definitely has. But the bigger he gets, the more his physical challenges… challenge.

It was easier when he was tiny, but those kicks and scratches hurt now, and the bigger he is then the bigger the meltdowns seem.

It’s tough, and it’s exhausting, and the bad times are bad. But all days aren’t like today, and the 6 weeks holidays will end 😂🎉.

Sorry that you're going through this. Even kids youtube was having an awful effect on our AuDHD DD's behaviour - and even kids youtube wasn't really that kid-friendly particularly for a ND child. So we removed YouTube altogether and while the ensuing meltdown was predictably huge, there wasn't vastly more pushback afterwards. She won't admit this side of the heat death of the universe that she's happier without it but she is calmer, more capable of self-regulation, and has definitely lost that awful zombied-out look that came with watching it.

You won't lose your kids for restraining one of them during a violent meltdown. And your neighbours are unlikely to call the police - do they know he's autistic? My DD's meltdowns involve hours of distressed screaming, at least one a week, and frankly I'm astonished that the police have never been out to us as a result.

I'm so sorry you've had such a crap day of it too 💐

Coming back from grandparents is 100% a trigger for our DS aswell. Transitioning has always been tricky for him but coming back from a quiet environment (GP's) back into a louder, more chaotic one (home with a boisterous and very loud 3yo who is also being assessed) - it's a recipe for meltdown.

Solidarity and wishful thinking that the next 4 weeks go quickly 😂