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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband meeting colleague

71 replies

everysunrise · 01/08/2025 18:35

Hi,
my husband has arranged to meet his female colleague on their day off with our 2 young children and hers (hers are 9+) at a pub with playground.
Would you be ok with this?

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 01/08/2025 21:45

I wouldn't like this. How old are your children if they're the same sort of age it's maybe not as strange

Silverbirchleaf · 01/08/2025 22:09

VeryStressedMum · 01/08/2025 21:45

I wouldn't like this. How old are your children if they're the same sort of age it's maybe not as strange

Op refers to her children as ‘young children’ and colleagues children as 9+, which suggests a disparity in ages.

cofffeeee · 01/08/2025 22:19

Is he not allowed female friends unless your with him.

brunettemic · 01/08/2025 22:21

Yep, absolutely fine. Believe it or not men and women are capable of being friends without shagging behind the nearest bush. Given that both DH and I have a couple of close friends of the opposite sex, yes I do know that for sure.

Mummypie21 · 01/08/2025 22:27

I've met my male colleague with our kids and my DH and his partner were absolutely fine with it. I think it would be different if we were going out to the cinema by ourselves.

Unsmart · 01/08/2025 23:07

everysunrise · 01/08/2025 19:38

I’ll be working, they both have the same day off in this week

Show quote history

I do find it strange when 2 people work together - presumably something like 5 days a week - they want to also spend their day off together.

As work colleagues they already probably spend more time in each other's company than they do with their partners and so meeting up outside as well really seems quite excessive.

I understand work colleagues also can become friends but it seems quite intrusive into your personal space if he is seeing her at work, now intending to socialise with her, and now your children are getting to meet her and know her. It makes her almost more part of his family than you.

Novanonplus · 01/08/2025 23:51

Jesus Christ MN is insane!

SmurfnoffIce · 01/08/2025 23:52

everysunrise · 01/08/2025 19:43

How would you bring this up with your husband?

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I wouldn’t. I’m not a control freak.

SmurfnoffIce · 01/08/2025 23:55

I do find it strange when 2 people work together - presumably something like 5 days a week - they want to also spend their day off together.

Why? Work isn’t a social occasion. They don’t spend those five days chatting.

They do, however, get to know each other pretty well in that time - hence they become friends. I’m not sure why friends you make because they live on the same street, go to the same gym, have similar hobbies etc. are somehow more valuable and acceptable.

SmurfnoffIce · 01/08/2025 23:55

VeryStressedMum · 01/08/2025 21:45

I wouldn't like this. How old are your children if they're the same sort of age it's maybe not as strange

Are you a control freak?

SmurfnoffIce · 01/08/2025 23:57

Pontoon10 · 01/08/2025 19:04

I dont get why people say 'I doubt they'll be shagging with kids there", well no obviously not, but that doesn't mean they never would.

Edited

So no one should ever meet their friends just because it’s theoretically possible they could have sex?

SmurfnoffIce · 01/08/2025 23:59

I don’t see the need to meet a female colleague out of work.

Massively controlling.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 02/08/2025 00:00

You haven't said, but is she a single mother or divorced or something?

It's just that your kids are very mismatched in ages, so they're not meeting up to the kids can play. They won't have anything in common

Redglitter · 02/08/2025 00:08

Iamtired123 · 01/08/2025 20:59

I don't care how this makes me sound but straight men and women can never just be friends, ever. Every single male friend I've had has ended up wanting more. It's just the way men are sadly

Yes they can. I've got several male friends and theyre friends and thats all.
I've got one who i whatsapped yesterday that I've been friends with for about 20 years. Our friendship pre dates him meeting his wife.

Its absolutely possible to just be friends

aWeeCornishPastie · 02/08/2025 00:10

It’s a nope from me. They must be close? Does he have other friends at work he hangs about with any male friends

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/08/2025 00:12

It’s really hard to tell op- I might do that with a colleague who has similar aged children to mine. If available our partners would prob come (they’ve met) but they could easily not be.

cofffeeee · 02/08/2025 00:13

SmurfnoffIce · 01/08/2025 23:55

Are you a control freak?

Show quote history

Most are on here but blame others for their mistakes.

gillefc82 · 02/08/2025 00:34

Lavender14 · 01/08/2025 19:51

I think this is fair enough but it sounds innocent given the kids will be there. I would actually just be honest and explain that while you do trust him, you worry he's leaving himself open to blurred boundaries and you just want to put that on his radar so you're both on the same page. Then talk about what would need to happen to reassure you that this is fine.

I wouldn't tell him not to go, it's his choice who he socialises with and you can't control who he sees etc and ultimately if someone is going to cheat then that's a decision they will find a way to make, but you can tell him how a decision he takes makes you feel and then you need to talk it through like adults.

For example, is it that they meet for an agreed amount of time, there's full transparency in the conversation etc.

At the end of the day, while it's not for you to control him, it is also his responsibility to make sure that he's acting in a way that acknowledges your needs in the relationship and helps you to feel secure.

Show quote history

This. A balanced and well considered post @everysunrise.

Notmyrealname22 · 02/08/2025 05:54

In the last 2 weeks I’ve been out to lunch with 1 male colleague and 2 male vendors that I work with, all separately one on one. Last night I got a lift home from work drinks with another male colleague because he lives close by (and is the father of my child’s friend). My direct report is male, so we regularly go and grab lunch together if we are in the office together. I also go out for lunch or coffee with female colleagues if we are in the office together. I’m meeting a female ex-colleague for brunch in a few weekends time. I’ve previously met up with a male ex-colleague and his child for coffee because he was looking after her the day we were meeting. None of which I consider to be a big deal or any kind of emotional infidelity.

My husband regularly wines and dines with colleagues and customers, many of whom I’m sure are female.
I don’t see how a single lunch meetup with kids in tow is a problem.

Needpatience · 02/08/2025 08:02

I’d be ok as a one off, or every few months, as long as you don’t have other suspicions ie other behaviour that has led you to think he could be too close to her.

I’d definitely want to get to know her too, eg by suggesting you do things with her (& her OH?) at the weekend, if it isn’t an isolated meet up.

Even is she is married, unfortunately that doesn’t mean it’s definitely innocent.

Foodieasfuck · 02/08/2025 18:29

Love the mixed responses here…
every situation is different, it’s hard to generalise

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