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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband meeting colleague

71 replies

everysunrise · 01/08/2025 18:35

Hi,
my husband has arranged to meet his female colleague on their day off with our 2 young children and hers (hers are 9+) at a pub with playground.
Would you be ok with this?

OP posts:
Foodieasfuck · 01/08/2025 19:45

Would he mind if the roles were reversed?

Original poster
everysunrise · 01/08/2025 19:46

Foodieasfuck · 01/08/2025 19:45

Would he mind if the roles were reversed?

I don’t think so. He’s quite chill about things

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 01/08/2025 19:48

Doubt they'll be shagging with four kids in tow.

Mumsnet at its best LOL @PerfectTuesday

ExtraOnions · 01/08/2025 19:48

I met two ex-colleagues for a drink earlier, two men .. I didn’t ask my husband for permission. He either trusts me, or he doesn’t.

Lavender14 · 01/08/2025 19:51

everysunrise · 01/08/2025 19:42

I’ll be working. I trust my husband but I guess I have a fear of something developing which is why I’d prefer he didn’t put himself in this position.
do I say something to him?

Show quote history

I think this is fair enough but it sounds innocent given the kids will be there. I would actually just be honest and explain that while you do trust him, you worry he's leaving himself open to blurred boundaries and you just want to put that on his radar so you're both on the same page. Then talk about what would need to happen to reassure you that this is fine.

I wouldn't tell him not to go, it's his choice who he socialises with and you can't control who he sees etc and ultimately if someone is going to cheat then that's a decision they will find a way to make, but you can tell him how a decision he takes makes you feel and then you need to talk it through like adults.

For example, is it that they meet for an agreed amount of time, there's full transparency in the conversation etc.

At the end of the day, while it's not for you to control him, it is also his responsibility to make sure that he's acting in a way that acknowledges your needs in the relationship and helps you to feel secure.

Thaawtsom · 01/08/2025 19:51

It would not be at all weird if their friendship is at "meeting the family" stage. I have a male work friend I might do this with and it would be appropriate and I'm certain his wife would be chill about it. But his DH has met him and his DW and we have all met as families. The friendship is definitely me and my colleague, but it was important to all of us to include partners IYSWIM.

Thaawtsom · 01/08/2025 19:53

Think I might suggest it would be good to get her and her DH / partner round for a meal (and/or BBQ with kids) or whatever ...

buswankerbabe · 01/08/2025 19:54

I’d be fine with that, but it would put me on red alert and I’d be watching closely. I trust my partner, but yoh never really know anyone. Mumsnet relationship board is testament to this.

Twodogsisbetterthanone · 01/08/2025 19:55

Well this was exactly what my boss and the office manager started doing 4 months ago, going places with the kids as ‘friends’…they moved in with each last week

Tartanboots · 01/08/2025 19:58

It depends. I'd be ok with it if that's all it is. Is anyone else going?
If you're not ok with it, say something to him.

Cheepcheepcheep · 01/08/2025 20:01

I didn’t feel weird about DH and his female friend meeting up with the kids when he was on paternity leave and she on mat leave, which feels kind of the same but I know her well.

Climbingrosexx · 01/08/2025 20:06

I would say absolutely not! But I had to learn the hard way with my ex. My current husband was burnt too by being too trusting. His motto is don't put fuel with the fire and im inclined to agree.

TokenGinger · 01/08/2025 20:16

I genuinely wouldn’t mind. My DP has done this before, he finds the day goes quicker when the kids have other kids to play with. I’ve also met up with dads of my kids’ friends for play dates. It honestly wouldn’t even occur to me that it could be an issue for DP.

TokenGinger · 01/08/2025 20:18

TokenGinger · 01/08/2025 20:16

I genuinely wouldn’t mind. My DP has done this before, he finds the day goes quicker when the kids have other kids to play with. I’ve also met up with dads of my kids’ friends for play dates. It honestly wouldn’t even occur to me that it could be an issue for DP.

I will just add to that though, that any female work friends that DP would be content meeting up with have generally become family friends. I’ve met them and we’ll meet up for the occasional bbq together etc., so they’re not complete strangers to me.

BluntPlumHam · 01/08/2025 20:23

No I wouldn’t be ok with it. He doesn’t need female friends. The kids aren’t even in the same age range which is bizarre. Pub setting as well so they can get chatting whilst the kids are busy playing. Yep, nope. Tell him you’re not ok with it. Also, if he doesn’t do play dates with other parents male or female I’d be concerned.

LittlleMy · 01/08/2025 20:33

@everysunrise YANBU. I’m surprised how many people saying they’d be fine with it. Personally I think if actually came to it they wouldn’t be. I know I wouldn’t be. Yes of course men and women can be friends but in my experience in the workplace, men with families rarely even make plans with other men so for a male to arrange a social with a female out of work is quite unusual. In my 30 years virtually on all occasions it was clear that an affair was occurring.

Also, I’d be nervous if I don’t even know the woman I’d just be worried about something developing. I also would never do this myself as I know my OH would be uncomfortable. Why introduce unnecessary stress to the relationship?

gannett · 01/08/2025 20:47

MN is absolutely batshit about male-female friendships.

Of course I'd be OK with it. I have male friends and colleagues who I frequently meet without DP for all sorts of normal platonic activities, including lunch and dinner. He has female friends and colleagues and does the same. The same is true for everyone we know because it is ridiculous and regressive to think you can only be friends with your own sex.

bjkhilg890 · 01/08/2025 20:50

nomas · 01/08/2025 19:03

It could be innocent and could be not. In an ideal world it’s innocent but sometimes affairs do start this way, for a minority of colleagues. There are quite a few couples at my company.

I can see why you don’t like it.

Why aren’t you invited?

I also find it odd that OP isn’t invited.

Icanttakethisanymore · 01/08/2025 20:52

bjkhilg890 · 01/08/2025 20:50

I also find it odd that OP isn’t invited.

Show quote history

She’s working.

Iamtired123 · 01/08/2025 20:59

I don't care how this makes me sound but straight men and women can never just be friends, ever. Every single male friend I've had has ended up wanting more. It's just the way men are sadly

steff13 · 01/08/2025 21:28

When my boys were little I had a male co-worker who had kids the same age. We worked in an office, so were off on weekends, but my husband and his wife had jobs where they worked weekends. We got together occasionally with the kids for to play. It was completely innocent.

TheRealGoose · 01/08/2025 21:36

I’d be totally fine, I work with nearly all men so I go out socially with them a lot. I’d not be still married to my husband if he said I wasn’t allowed friends of the opposite sex, he has a couple of female friends at work, who he’s gone out for drinks with, I couldn’t care less, but I am not of the opinion men and women can’t be friends and that they will start shagging, I also am not of the opinion that banning friends if the opposite sex will safeguard your marriage, it will just piss your spouse off if they don’t feel like that and cause damage, and if your spouse is going to cheat, coming over all controlling, jealous and insecure is not going to stop then, more it will make them hurry up and do it faster.

WithOnlyTheMemories · 01/08/2025 21:37

gannett · 01/08/2025 20:47

MN is absolutely batshit about male-female friendships.

Of course I'd be OK with it. I have male friends and colleagues who I frequently meet without DP for all sorts of normal platonic activities, including lunch and dinner. He has female friends and colleagues and does the same. The same is true for everyone we know because it is ridiculous and regressive to think you can only be friends with your own sex.

This 100%

So glad I am married to a normal person. I'd go mental married so some of the posters on here. I have a diverse range of friends and colleagues, as does DH. We don't ignore 50% of the population in case we accidentally end up shagging.

Silverbirchleaf · 01/08/2025 21:37

You say her children are 9+ and yours are young, so not same age children. If they were, then it would make sense, and maybe woukd have come about from a ‘our children are the same age, must together for them to play’ type conversation.

However, the face that the children are Different ages, and they’re meeting in a Pub, changes the situation, and I’d feel uneasy as well. I’d be tempted to say that you managed to get the day off to join him, to see his reaction - panic or not.

WithOnlyTheMemories · 01/08/2025 21:39

Silverbirchleaf · 01/08/2025 21:37

You say her children are 9+ and yours are young, so not same age children. If they were, then it would make sense, and maybe woukd have come about from a ‘our children are the same age, must together for them to play’ type conversation.

However, the face that the children are Different ages, and they’re meeting in a Pub, changes the situation, and I’d feel uneasy as well. I’d be tempted to say that you managed to get the day off to join him, to see his reaction - panic or not.

Jesus no. If my DH came to check up on me it would be game over. Either you trust your partner, or you don't.

If someone is going to cheat, they will. If DH is so determined to cheat he will arrange a playdate with someone in a soft play in a pub, well 🤷🏻‍♀️